Today, I went back to my doctor because I had an ear infection in my left ear. Not only do I now have an infection in my right ear as well, I also I have a yeast infection from the antibiotics. FML
Today, I got turned down for a home for low income people because my income was too low. FML
Today, I had a horrible headache on my way home from lunch. I pulled over and vomited so forcefully I peed my pants, a lot. I had pee in my shoes. FML
Today, I thought my boyfriend was kidding when he said he'd dump me if I actually ate pineapple on pizza. I ordered it. I ate it. I'm now single. FML
Today, while making out with my boyfriend of a month, he started rubbing my boobs. He told me that he wanted to get some action before he broke up with me. FML
Today, my 80lb black lab decided that the moment I start doing pushups is her cue to mount me. FML
Today, after my husband applied for a VA loan so we could move out of our ridiculously overpriced apartment and into our first home as a mortgage would be significantly cheaper, we were denied. If we can afford $1400/month in rent, we surely can’t be trusted with $1000/month for a mortgage, right? FML
Today, after watching Shrek, my little brother started collecting his earwax to make it into a candle like Shrek did. I can’t get him to throw it away even after bribing him with bags of candy. FML
Today, the handle on our front door broke, leaving us unable to open it. We got a guy to come to sort it out, but all he succeeded in doing was completely wrecking the door. He says he can come back next week. We have no other way out of the house. FML
Today, as I sat on the toilet, I heard a noise outside. I peered through the window and found myself staring directly at my neighbor. FML
Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML
Today, I flew cross-country. Since the movers with my furniture and car won't arrive for 2 weeks, I packed several bags with most of my clothes and charging cords. The airline lost them. FML
Today, the police showed up at my door asking if I told this creepy guy stalking my girlfriend that I'll chop him up and bury each piece in a different country if he doesn't stop bothering my girl. I told them I did, along with an explanation. Turns out, he's been missing since that day. FML
Today, I was in band rehearsing for a big concert coming up. Since the band was practicing with the orchestra and there weren’t enough seats, we had to stand. My back was facing everyone when my friend tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to my ass. I got my period and everyone saw the stain. FML
Today, my wife told me that she isn't in a place where she can have a physical relationship, that if I want us to have a physical relationship then we need to start from the bottom up, and work on building a friendship. I'm like, we've been married 15 years, and we're not even friends? FML
Today, as I was laying down to sleep, I grabbed my covers and realized the cat pissed on them and on my body pillow. Now I'm up at 1 a.m. doing laundry so I can have clean bedding and my kids are awake. FML
Today, I spilled my guts out to my fiancé about some insecurities I've been having. I then turned to look at him through tears at his expressionless face as he texted someone. FML
Today, the AC broke in the car I bought brand new last August. My 3.5-year-old hates wind, even from the sunroof being open, and there's no fix for the "manufacturing defect" so far. FML
Today, I found out that, while not exactly probable, it is definitely possible to squirt yourself in the eye with breast milk. It burns. FML
Today, I rushed to catch my bus and arrived as it pulled up, but one of the tires threw a rock at my head and knocked me out. I missed my bus and the final that I am not allowed to retake. FML
Today, during harvest, I got out of my tractor and promptly fell down the stairs, peed my pants, and stepped ankle deep in a mud hole. I sat in wet pants for the next two hours. FML
Today, I moved in with my in-laws and don't yet have money to pay rent, so I'm keeping to myself and staying out of trouble. While trying to write a thank you card, I spilled black ink all over the new rug and it bled through to the carpet. I might need to find a new place to live. FML
Today, my husband started a new job as an OTR truck driver. He was assigned one week of home time each month, which happens to be the same exact week my period comes every month. FML
Today, I finally managed to kiss the guy of my dreams. We pulled away and looked into each other's eyes, and he softly said, "You know I'm dating another girl right now, right?" FML
Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML
Today, a customer walked up to me with a dog toy and said, "I knew one-stop shopping was a thing, but I didn't know you guys carried dildos." FML
Today, my boss asked me to talk to the HR manager to see if I was happy about my pay, which made me think I was going to get a raise. Turns out they paid me nearly twice as much as they should have for the last 2 years and I owe them over €5000. FML
Today, I got the results proving if my ex-girlfriend's kid was mine. The results came back negative and I can't have kids. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have 3 kids with my wife. FML
Today, I twisted my ankle and fractured my wrist while dancing. I audition for a performing arts school in one week. FML
Today, I was matched with my boss on Tinder. FML
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