By tease_ftx

Who run the world? Cats!

Today, as I was laying down to sleep, I grabbed my covers and realized the cat pissed on them and on my body pillow. Now I'm up at 1 a.m. doing laundry so I can have clean bedding and my kids are awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3117

You deserved it

414

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Animals

There's no helping some people

Dementia or hate? You decide

Not now, mom!

By Al - Australia - Turramurra

Today, I walked into pawn shop and found a nice laptop which I inspected after I thought I lost mine months ago. Turns out my ex pawned it after having it at her place all this time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13243

You deserved it

1234

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By Tanny

Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and shoot, I farted on the face of the person behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4594

You deserved it

627

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after taking my girlfriend on a date, she invited me back to her place for "hot coffee and dessert". Excitedly, I said yes. When we got there, we actually had coffee and dessert. When I told her this wasn't what I'd had in mind, she kicked me out for being a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11111

You deserved it

67795

Favorite

By penguinsfan - Canada

Today, I had to pee badly. I went into a stall and sat down. Only until after I'd peed, I realized that I didn't have any toilet paper. I waddled to the next stall with my pants down to get more toilet paper, believing that the bathroom was empty. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18078

You deserved it

53685

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Carmichael

Smelly Finger Nights

Today, I learned that not only do I have bacterial vaginosis, but I ALSO have gonorrhea from a hookup. The only symptoms I'm having? Anal itching. FML

I agree, your life sucks

582

You deserved it

1000

Favorite

By Marjo86

Man vs. Wild

Today, I got stung by a hornet. I asked my mum to pass me my allergy medication, but she refused, because they were my brother's, saying "he's allergic to bees and wasps!" No mum, wrong kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1895

You deserved it

Favorite

By Eric

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because I added an old high school friend on Facebook. She claims this person is getting in the middle of our relationship. I haven't talked to him in years, and he lives across the country. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1810

You deserved it

147

Favorite

By two-hours-to-pick-up - Australia

Today, I was in a fancy department store. I was wearing my travel backpack. I was turning around after paying at the checkout and my backpack hit a metre-tall display covered with necklaces. It went crashing to the floor, hitting another display table laden with jewelry that collapsed under it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29979

You deserved it

10746

Favorite

By kellthryn

Stop! Thief!

Today, during my work shift, my car got stolen and I had to walk home on the rain. While I was walking home, my stolen car drove by. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1932

You deserved it

205

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By Hannah - 27/3/2021 05:01

Size zero

Today, I have been trying for 5 days to gain weight. Which for me, requires stuffing myself to the point of exploding. I haven’t slept in days because I'm constantly digesting food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

616

You deserved it

220

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By ohgod. - United States - Daytona Beach

Today, I found out that my daughter's "pen pal" is really a 58-year-old man in prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29143

You deserved it

3156

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By Matt - United States

Today, I realized that choosing to live in the honors dorms was a terrible mistake. Quiet hours start at 6 PM and the only exception is if you are a member of the university marching band, which means you can practice your instrument at anytime in the lounge... located next to my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32043

You deserved it

4573

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By drunkluv - Australia

Today, my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she hadn't been drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34962

You deserved it

4161

Favorite

By brawl y’all - 31/10/2020 09:04 - United States

Some winners…

Today, what started as a family gathering turned into an all-out brawl. I saw my son’s wife punch him, so I hit her. Her mom and sister jumped me. My husband was pulling them off when the other husband thought he was attacking them and jumped in, so my son jumped in as well. We won, at least. FML

I agree, your life sucks

573

You deserved it

1016

Favorite

By darn it. - United States

Today, I was at a bar with a friend. A guy came up to me, took my drink and drank it. I laughed and jokingly said "now, you have to buy me a drink." He said "I would rather buy your friend a drink." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51943

You deserved it

4136

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By ekaay

Today, whilst cleaning the living room, I heard snickering coming from my bedroom. My two nephews had found my "play cupboard" and were blowing up condoms like balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3972

You deserved it

957

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By AMIGODO - Netherlands

Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38695

You deserved it

5086

Favorite

By JEalmon12

Today, I was bored at my office, so I started flicking my pencils at my door. My boss walked in right then to give me a raise for my "outstanding" work. She scared me so much when she walked in that I flicked a pencil right at her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

781

You deserved it

1690

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my husband has always been clumsy, but am I alone in thinking it takes a special level of clumsy to trip over while naked and land with his penis in the mouth of the village slut across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3368

You deserved it

260

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By Anon - United States - San Antonio

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. As we waited for our food he took my hand and said, "I think we should break up." When I got outside, my tire was flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20948

You deserved it

1373

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By interphaseprophasemetaphase - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I took my laptop to I.T. to fix my internet. Only after I left did I realise my memory technique for remembering the stages of mitosis (Iraqi penis man anally transmits chlamydia) was left as a sticky note on my desktop. The guy definitely noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37446

You deserved it

11871

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By Dlord357 - United States

Today, I had to deliver pizza to a nudist colony. I got an eyeful of more than I needed to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33968

You deserved it

3986

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By Anonymous - United States - Battle Creek

Today, I tried role playing with my boyfriend. As I came out in sexy lingerie, I announced, "I'm Natalia, a Russian spy fluent in 2 languages: Russian and your cock." He laughed so hard he practically pissed himself. The night ended in me doing his laundry. Alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36857

You deserved it

20466

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By thefriedman - United States - Perris

Today, I realized that the air freshener in my bathroom and the air freshener in my girlfriend's bedroom are the exact same scent. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I get an erection, and every time my girlfriend and I have sex in her room, I think about shitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44415

You deserved it

8640

Favorite

By jayden5 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting next to this really cute guy in choir class. Trying to make conversation, I asked him what his favorite song was. He replied "Leave Me Alone". I asked him who it was by and he said, "It's not a song, I just want you to leave me alone". FML

I agree, your life sucks

34251

You deserved it

9210

Favorite

By Brrrb - Singapore

Today, I passed by a small shop and decided to go in to look at the jeans. Before I could even step in, the shop owner told me expressionlessly, "All the sizes here are too small for you". FML

I agree, your life sucks

60944

You deserved it

8069

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29618

You deserved it

7217

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, my fiancé told me that it would be okay with him if I got plastic surgery to make my boobs larger. It would also be okay with him if I didn't get the surgery, but he would call off our engagement and never talk to me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57506

You deserved it

6505

Favorite

By onefmlafteranother

Vicious dog

Today, I was laying my head on my dad's dog when he walked in. I jokingly asked my dad, "I'm cuddling with your dog, are you jealous?" At that moment, the dog lets a massive, earth-quaking fart and my dad promptly responded, "Nope!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1595

You deserved it

539

Favorite

By ellen77 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I had to babysit two kids. It all went well until one of them duct taped a knife to a toy machine gun, lit the barbecue on fire, and ran around like a wild banshee screaming obscenities. The other one got scared and climbed onto the roof of the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48910

You deserved it

5410

Favorite

By mommy - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my ex husband calls my son anymore, is to ask him to send him things on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27422

You deserved it

2512

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By Anonymous - United States - Depew

Today, I parked my car in the company lot and walked down the street to a mandatory company training. While I was at the training, everyone back at the office decided to leave early and locked the company lot. My car is now stuck there for the night and I'm walking home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19832

You deserved it

1517

Favorite

By ballerphilip23 - Austria

Today, I was standing on the packed bus home when I had a speck of dust in my lenses. As I couldn't rub it out, I tried blinking it out for the next five minutes. Then the hot girl opposite me screams "Stop winking at me, you bastard! Don't even think about it, you ugly fuck!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

39808

You deserved it

2942

Favorite

By Username - United States

Today, I was so broke that I paid for a $0.28 candy bar with my credit card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29219

You deserved it

12751

Favorite

By panos016 - United Kingdom

Today, after 14 rice-filled days in China, I came back home. What's for lunch? Rice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32500

You deserved it

9860

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 17:00

Bird's eye view

Today, I found out that my shower area is in direct view from my neighbours' balcony. I realised this when I caught my neighbour and his wife watching me while I was getting dressed. I've been living here for 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1499

You deserved it

513

Favorite

By Veronica - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad if he thought my dress was nice, and if guys would go for me. He replied, "Shit, depends on how drunk they are." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35302

You deserved it

4770

Favorite

By Marcella_03 - United Kingdom

Today, my family and I noticed that our Christmas tree had been stolen from our front garden. Last night, a group of girls from my village posted a status on Facebook stating how drunk they were, and how they had stolen a Christmas tree. I "liked" it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27675

You deserved it

15931

Favorite

By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, at a party a fly flew into my mouth. I spit it out, and in an effort to wash out my mouth I grabbed the can of coke that was on the table next to me. Apparently people had been spitting in there and using it as an ashtray. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35619

You deserved it

9769

Favorite

By Thai that on for size - New Zealand - Silverdale

Today, a guy kept flirting with me despite all my hints for him to kindly fuck off and die, so I lied and said I'm a lesbian. This didn't stop him. It got so bad, I had to claim I was born with a dick and say that's why I like girls. Only then did he say "Eeewww..." and back off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26308

You deserved it

2647

Favorite

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Top comments

By TempestXO | 14

#7535971 - Thursday 31 August 2017 13:13

How do you know for sure it was the cat? Maybe it was your kids.

By Akitakat | 31

#7535978 - Thursday 31 August 2017 13:31

Cats urine has a very distinct & pungent odor. Trust me, there is no mistaking it!

COMMENTS

By TempestXO | 14

#7535971 - Thursday 31 August 2017 13:13

How do you know for sure it was the cat? Maybe it was your kids.

Akitakat | 31

#7535978 - Thursday 31 August 2017 13:31

Cats urine has a very distinct & pungent odor. Trust me, there is no mistaking it!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7536015 - Thursday 31 August 2017 15:52

Pussy is pissed.

Glowworm56 | 25

#7536031 - Thursday 31 August 2017 16:45

So are the sheets and body pillow!

By Norja | 33

#7536196 - Friday 1 September 2017 1:25

Do you only have 1 set of bedding? You may wanna invest in more.

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7536545 - Friday 1 September 2017 23:04

You only own one set of bedding? You couldn't have just changed your sheets and done the laundry in the morning?

By Regulate | 21

#7536557 - Friday 1 September 2017 23:34

What is a body pillow?

Regulate | 21

#7536935 - Sunday 3 September 2017 5:04

Thank you for the down-thumb without giving me an answer. I genuinely have no idea what it is. I guess I'll go to google instead of relying on some sort of human interaction. Cheers, chum.