Today, I flew cross-country. Since the movers with my furniture...

By screwedflyer - 3/10/2018 14:00 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I flew cross-country. Since the movers with my furniture and car won't arrive for 2 weeks, I packed several bags with most of my clothes and charging cords. The airline lost them. FML

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Transportation

Capitalism kills

Thanks, I'm cured!

Doomed

By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, a repairman woke me up so he could change the filter in my furnace. This would have been fine, except he didn't wake me up until he was already in my room, where I was sleeping naked. FML

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By mainlaw - 4/12/2009 17:33 - Ireland

Today, I found out that just because you're drunk, it doesn't make it okay to call your mother-in-law a fat slag. However, it does make it okay for your wife to knee you in the snow globes. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann - 12/7/2020 08:01

Boom!

Today, I was laying with my cat when someone set off a firework next to my window. Now I have stitches and a bed covered in blood. FML

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By just me - 13/5/2012 18:54 - Germany - Overath

Today, I argued heavily with my dad over being dragged to a family game of lacrosse. All through the game, he kept "accidentally" hurling the ball straight at me on the sideline. After he eventually nailed me straight in the heart, he screamed at me to "get out of the fucking way". FML

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By uglyswimmer - 23/4/2009 01:58 - United States

Today, I was talking to a swimmer I just met. I saw a cute guy and whispered to her "that guy is hot." She asked "Who?" I pointed at him. She turned to see him, then turned back to me and said "Ew, thats my brother." She went to him, whispered something. He turned around to see me and said "EW." FML

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By Victoria - 21/10/2010 18:10 - United States

Today, I got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. When he saw I had something in my pocket, he began to ask if it was a weapon. After arguing for a few minutes I was put in handcuffs. I was too embarrassed to pull the tampon out my pocket. FML

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By Creep - 15/7/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, I discovered my new plug-in air freshener smells exactly like my ex-boyfriend's cologne. My friends noticed this, and nobody will believe me when I say it smelled different on the scratch-and-sniff. Now I'm considered a creep. A nostalgic, obsessed creep. FML

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By NotSoComfortable - 17/12/2015 09:10 - Italy - Pontecchio Polesine

Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML

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By Bonding_boys - 17/12/2012 16:21 - United States - Elk River

Today, I came home to find my husband and our 4-year-old son simultaneously peeing off the second-floor balcony. My husband was giggling like a little girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2012 07:00 - United States - Valencia

Today, I was pulled over. The cop stated that he "couldn't see" me because I had "blended in with the dark car background", and that it looked like no one was driving. I was literally pulled over for being black. FML

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By yosmurf - 11/3/2017 18:00

They're perfect for each other!

Today, I took my brother to the ER. His bimbo girlfriend told him he has "ironing board abs" so they had the bright idea of ironing her clothes on his stomach. When the Dr. asked him why he didn't stop if it burned, he said he didn't want to look "like a pussy". He'd have likely drowned if she'd gotten it right and said "washboard abs". FML

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By shugberry - 1/9/2019 12:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my mum on the London Underground. We were standing on the platform, when she suddenly bought up a load of phlegm in her mouth. Instead of trying to find a bin, she just full on spat out the biggest green pile on the floor next to people. FML

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By sdeeter - 29/4/2013 13:39 - United States

Today, I had a job interview at the local donut shop. It turns out I misunderstood the position, and that the job was actually to wear a donut costume and wave at cars outside the shop. I was told this after I got hired. FML

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By Stuckinbed - 19/3/2020 21:00

Hippity hoppity

Today, after I'd had hip surgery, my sister thought it would be hilarious to hide my crutches from me. I can't find them. FML

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By waterproblem - 27/5/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, my last task for the day as a high school janitor was to power-wash the concrete area where the graduation ceremony will take place. Tired and bored, I drew a huge penis with the power hose. Right before I was going to wash it off, the machine broke. Graduation is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2015 16:22 - United States - Newtown Square

Today, after hearing the results of my spinal tap, following several scans, my doctor said discovering that I have Multiple Sclerosis was a "happy accident". FML

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By unwed - 11/12/2010 06:56 - United States

Today, I found out that my fiancé is going to be deployed on our wedding day. FML

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By tenthousandspoon - 13/9/2010 00:08 - New Zealand

Today, at work, a three year old chucked a chocolate bar at me. It hit me square in the face. Her father praised her for her "quality arm." FML

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By Michelle - 27/12/2010 07:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes having sex during my period because it makes him feel like he stabbed a small animal to death. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2012 08:00 - United States - North Pole

Today, my husband and I stopped at a scenic overlook on top of a mountain. I looked down and noticed several small shells and excitedly called him over. I said, "I can't believe I found fossils here!" The moment it came out of my mouth, I realized they were pistachio shells. So did he. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, to get back at me for breaking up with him, my ex-boyfriend thought it would be really funny to post semi nude pictures of me on Craigslist. To top it off, he decided to give all 200+ people who responded to my ad my home phone number. I'm getting non-stop calls from horny freaks. FML

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By anonymous - 2/9/2014 18:58 - United States - Wolcott

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She just grabbed the ring and said in a raspy voice, "My precious..." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was in the middle of a wank when my home's back door, which is always locked, suddenly opened and someone walked in. I’m not sure who was more surprised: me or the new maintenance guy who saw me wanking. FML

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By hunnydoll - 18/8/2009 00:16 - United States

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, I was frantically searching for my cell phone. He was curious as to what I was doing so I told him. There was long silence followed by laughter. He could hardly breathe as he told me, "Honey you're on your phone talking to me." FML

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By BAMashleyx3 - 6/6/2019 06:07

Today, my dad texted me while I was in the dentist's chair getting my teeth cleaned. The dental hygienist jumped at the notification sound my phone made and split my gum open. FML

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By wish his dad had worn one - 7/6/2014 21:16 - United States - Clinton

Today, I was playing some soccer with my buddies, when a kid came over, yelled "CUP CHECK!" and nailed me in the nuts then ran away laughing. Millions of my unborn children died in agony. All his fatass mom did was chuckle nervously and pat her satan-spawn on the head. FML

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By Hoobfoob - 19/6/2017 04:00

Today, my car was totaled. It was so new, I haven't even made the first payment on it yet. FML

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By John doe - 11/4/2010 11:54 - United States

Today, I woke up next to a woman nearly twice my age. I don't know how to tell her it was drunken sex and not the beginning of a relationship. But I have to come up with something soon as I work with her Monday. FML

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By Foxy - 10/1/2010 17:36 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my long time boyfriend and found out I'm severely allergic to latex. I also found out that my family doctor had been transferred to the ER. He went to play golf with my dad later. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2011 20:20 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me to pick her up from jail. She'd been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2013 11:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was outside at a café and looked at my phone. When I did, a woman halfway across the patio started screaming at me, demanding I tell her who I was texting and why. She then sprinted over, furious at me for apparently badmouthing her to somebody. All I did was check the time. FML

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By Drill Drilled - 15/4/2015 22:12 - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, I tripped while rushing to my classes. In a desperate attempt to regain my balance, I grabbed the nearest thing to me. A fire alarm. FML

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By moderndante - 11/9/2019 16:00 - United States - Portland

Hey, where's my bonus?!

Today, my co-worker received a $1,000 bonus for a project that I do all the work on. My direct supervisor thought that I was an assistant. I send him an e-mail copy of the project every week, and have done so for the past six months. I was later reprimanded for not congratulating my co-worker. FML

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By Dr.Anonymous - 22/3/2014 11:56 - India - Mumbai

Today, I was treating a patient at the hospital where I'm a dentist. This particular gentleman was old and slightly deaf. After completing the procedure I gestured to the spitoon and asked him to spit. He got up, steadied himself, and spat straight in my face. FML

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By not crazy enough - 17/11/2014 18:48 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, at work, a crazy customer forced me to promise to take a holiday greeting picture of my cat and myself for her. She says she'll be back and expects one. FML

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By absentminded - 11/3/2009 18:07 - United States

Today, I went to online to find out why my midterm grade is for my least favorite class Psychology. After weeks upon weeks of studying and doing work for a class I hate I found out that I have a zero in the class. Turns out I've been going to the wrong psychology class all semester. FML

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By floggingnasty - 13/2/2011 11:38 - United States

Today, I got a new roommate in the dorms. When I got back to my room, I could smell her feet before I even opened my door. FML

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By Mofisto - 15/2/2009 10:43 - United States

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

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By SouthPaw - 14/1/2015 21:48 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I confronted my wife because I thought the many hours a day she spends at a local coffee shop were so she could smoke. Turns out she's cheating on me. FML

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By unsuccessful popping - 18/6/2015 20:09 - United States - Tappan

Today, a woman bitched me out at the grocery store, saying that since I'm not Indian, I shouldn't be wearing a bindi - a red dot on my forehead - because it's "cultural appropriation". I was too embarrassed to tell her it was actually a pimple I'd been trying to pop on my forehead. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7703431 - Wednesday 3 October 2018 17:05

Never trust the airlines with things that are critical to survival: that’s why I wrap my charging cords around my arms and legs when I fly.

TSA doesn’t like it, but fuck ‘em, I’d rather be waterboarded than let my iPhone get below 70% charge!

By Charlie Given | 23

#7703420 - Wednesday 3 October 2018 15:55

Ouch OP that sucks hopefully it'll be found,I used to work as a Courier and returning lost luggage was one of my tasks and many times it would be to the middle of nowhere as in you would need a gun just to get out of your car because of wolves, cougars, bears and crazy people could be hiding in the tree line😨

COMMENTS

By Charlie Given | 23

#7703420 - Wednesday 3 October 2018 15:55

By RichardPencil | 28

#7703431 - Wednesday 3 October 2018 17:05

skippydoda | 32

#7703600 - Thursday 4 October 2018 3:23

So bad for the battery. Let it go to 15%

RichardPencil | 28

#7703646 - Thursday 4 October 2018 8:14

Thanks, Mr. Nickel Metal Hydride.

By Jorn van der Ar | 13

#7703462 - Wednesday 3 October 2018 18:05

You flew cross-country? the whole 600 kms? But Prague is in the middle of that!

By melisssa87 | 30

#7703499 - Wednesday 3 October 2018 19:57

You are free as a bird or a hobo now!

By TamakiV | 4

#7703566 - Thursday 4 October 2018 0:29

usually most airlines will give you a spending amount, per bag, per day it is lost until it is returned. usually it's about 100$.

By BEEEEES | 15

#7703884 - Thursday 4 October 2018 17:26

How does this even happen anymore? With everything digital and almost entirely computerized it seems almost completely impossible to fuck this type of thing up. Like, they c an scan our entire body for toothpicks and hotel waterbottles but they can't keep track of my 2x3x1 foot luggage bag?