Today, it's the 11th time in a row my wife has promised sex, then backed out. Some were good valid reasons I’ll admit, but this time we got as far as naked dry-humping when she suddenly decided she was too upset about our cat dying 8 years ago, so instead she played on her phone until she fell asleep. FML
Today, I was called back about my job interview. I was told that due to my restricted mobility from my prosthetic leg, they don't think I'll be able to do the job. It's a desk job on the ground floor of the building. FML
Today, after my husband said he forgot our anniversary 2 days ago because he was so focused on planning for today, he forgot what was so important about today. It's my birthday. FML
Today, I was lost on a dirt road when it started raining and I got stuck in the mud, so I walked 5 miles to a farm. They brought their tractor and pulled me out, but then my key broke off in the ignition. It's my birthday and I can't get home for the party my wife planned. FML
Today, my boss reprimanded me for not meeting my sales goals and is sending me to a two week training program. I don’t work in sales. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend for a kiss, and in response, she suggested that we settle for a hand hug. FML
Today, I posted my phone for sale on Facebook. Someone hit me up to buy it and wanted me to meet them. I didn't really want to drive to them, but I'm a mom of two and I needed food and some extra cash, so I did it. The guy asked to look at the phone… and ran off with it. FML
Today, at work, I had to help a teenager who was stuck in a toy car for kids, and no, it was not in one piece when she finally got out. FML
Today, I found out why my fiancé waited for me to meet his family. We had dinner at their place, the women were not permitted to talk while the men were in the room, also no eye contact with the men, and we had to eat separately. He says he wants me to learn to be a good and decent wife from them. FML
Today, I developed a roll of film I'd had sitting around for years. It was all images my ex had taken of him scrubbing his ass and toilet with my electric toothbrush, which I'd used for at least a month after our breakup. FML
Today, I realized what I thought was bad lighting and poor TV brightness was actually night blindness. I found out while driving to work at my new night shift job. FML
swervelol tells us more.
swervelol 28
Wow this got published hi! I'm the OP and I'm here to clear up a few things! Yes I haven't driven at night due to working full time at my previous job at a store that closed at 7 pm every night (it stays light until very late in Montana) I also haven't been out late due to long shifts at work and recently moving to a new city which has heightened the severity of my night blindness because I am unfamiliar with the roads. I have corrective lenses for an astigmatism since I was 9 and was declared legally blind over a year ago by my optometrist who says my vision will deteriorate naturally as I age. I have noticed for a few months now that dark pictures, video games, and scenes in movies have been extremely hard to make out and all my electronics have been on full brightness. I am scheduling another eye appointment to see if any medication or a new prescription will help, I am only 19 years old and was looking forward to following my passion to become a graphic artist and it would be really devastating to lose my sight anymore so and so early on in my life. Sorry for the long post it is hard to explain everything with the character limit!
Today, during a football match, the referee declared a goal as invalid. The dad of the kid who scored didn't agree, which led to an all-out fight among all the kids' parents. FML
Today, my husband bought a luxury soap that smells like lemons. Now, every time I wash my private parts in the shower, it smells like a special at Red Lobster. FML
Today, as I helped my boss set up catering at our café, she was stressing about having enough time for everything when the DJ chimed in with, "Why don't you ask him to help?" It got awkwardly quiet as they looked at me and he realized I was a girl. Then he tried saying, "By him, I mean Jesus." FML
Today my girlfriend and her 3 friends walked in on me doing a solo performance on myself. They stood their quietly and videoed it unknown to me. And then afterwards laughed and made fun of how small I am. And to make it worse forwarded the video to everyone. Now everyone calls me shrimp. FML
Today, I was told to stop processing certain transactions at work because I'd tried to make rich people follow the same tax rules that we force poor people to follow to the letter. I'm guessing it won't be too long till I'm fired and blacklisted from this career I've had ten years. FML
Today, I was talking to a nice guy on a dating app and we exchanged numbers. Later, I got a call. It was his wife asking me to stop talking to her husband. FML
Today, all my money was stolen from my room during a stay abroad. I was in the room, I had just fallen asleep with my bag right next to me. When I landed back home, the airline lost my luggage. I am now penniless and don't even have a clean pair of underwear to my name. FML
Today, I offered to give my ex a ride home from work. He and I ended on good terms years ago, we just aren't compatible with each other. I dropped him off and not ten seconds later, he came back out looking sick. His fiancee was inside having sex with MY new boyfriend. FML
Today, I was told what a bitch I am for turning down “the nice guy” after he surprised me with flowers and a hand painted portrait. He conveniently left out the part where he texted me multiple creepy porn links, doesn’t brush his teeth and has the personal hygiene of a farm animal! FML
Today, I was helping my elderly dementia client with her toilet. I reached in both front and back to pull up her pants for her. "Not too hard, nice and easy..." she said with a weird smile. I looked over to see I was actually pulling her nipple. FML
Today, I asked the guy of my dreams out to the cinema. After saying to me "It's a date!" I started booking tickets. He said, "Why are you booking two?" I looked at him confused and then he said, "What about Dave? Dave? My boyfriend." FML
Today, I helped a guy in a flaming car by busting his window to get him out. I didn't realize until after the crash scene was cleared, that I didn't just have his blood on me, but I also had cut from the window. Round 3 of HIV testing here I come. FML
Today, after 3 days of hearing a car alarm going off almost continuously, the city finally came and towed it. Immediately after, the owner showed up with a switchblade, inquiring who called the city. My neighbors ratted me out, despite the fact I had nothing to do with it. FML
Today, I was alone in the car with my crush. For reasons I will never understand, I put on the song 'Kiss a Girl' by Keith Urban. I could feel her cringing. FML
Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without moving for ages, she impatiently asked if I'd finished. Once she got bored and told me to just finish myself off, her song playlist began playing "Never Gonna Dance Again". Very romantic. FML
Today, I was fiddling with a ring my aunt hand made me, accidentally slipping it off, and dropped it in the toilet. Like an idiot, I scrambled to get it out only for my bending over to activate the automatic flush. FML
Today, after realizing I had 130 unused vacation hours, I requested two weeks off. My vacation time was denied, but my boss still gave me the time off. So I don't have work for 2 weeks, all unpaid. FML
Today, after being hospitalized last week due to a severe mental breakdown, my mom is still mad at me for missing her big solo at church. She had even tried to demand I be released from the hospital for it. She's still going on about how she thinks I missed it on purpose. FML
Today, I texted my mom and told her I'm pregnant and she responded with, "I can’t respond to this right now." So she and my dad are disappointed in me. None of my other siblings were married or even engaged before having their kids. I’m 23, engaged, and own my own house. I don’t see the problem. FML
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