The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Today, I put a magnet on my brand new car. I got rear-ended by someone who was trying to read it. FML

Today, my brother robbed someone. The victim spoke with me and said that if his $1500 was paid back, he wouldn’t press charges. After I gave him the money, I questioned my brother until he admitted doing it. He only took $200. FML

Today, while sleeping as soundly as I could on a plastic mattress, the night shift nurse in the psych ward woke me up in the middle of the night so that I could take my sleeping pill, which was prescribed as "if needed". FML

Today, I found out that my husband lied a few nights ago and was actually drinking with another woman at her house until after midnight. This woman is his best friend’s ex-fiancée, and she's been hitting on my husband for as long as I can remember. FML

TMI

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him. Being dumped wasn't the reaction I was expecting. FML

Convert

Today, I answered the door to two Mormon girls from America. I live in the UK and am not religious at all, but I was too polite to slam the door and ended up letting them in. An hour later, a copy of 'The Book of Mormon' and 'My Pathway to Baptism' and I think I'm now a Mormon. FML

Sorry, eh?

Today, I let my dog out to go pee before heading to bed. She just stood there and looked at me, so I let her back in and went to sleep. I later woke up to a wet sensation on my back. My dog let out a full bladder all over my bed. FML

Coincidence plays tricks on us!

Today, I finally got to meet the parents of the girl in which I have been dating for 3 months. I discovered that a month before we started dating, I had a one-night stand with her sister. And a week before that, I had a grinding session with her mother at a bar. No one is saying anything and her father is really bulky. FML

Today, in the early hours of the morning, two of my wisdom teeth simultaneously began emerging. In my haste to get painkillers, I accidentally smacked my recently broken foot on a door. FML

Today, my mother once again called me to remind me what a disappointment I am despite having two degrees, a house, a professional job and having never been unemployed at 25. FML

Today, my ex messaged me out of the blue saying she found my fiancée's Tinder profile. I told her there was no way it was true. It actually was. FML

Today, I fell down the stairs, breaking my foot and tendons. It was the first time I had ever broken anything, and the doctor said that it's the most complicated break he'd ever seen. It's too complicated to operate. Now I'm stuck in a wheelchair for god knows how long. FML

Proactive

Today, my fiancé left to take care of his little sister who lives alone and recently got COVID-19. To be cautious, he will remain there for weeks until he tests negative. Feeling lonely, I texted my mom for comfort. She immediately canceled our engagement party this summer instead. FML

Today, my best friend on Snapchat is my mum. FML

Not my day

Today, I pinched a nerve in my shoulder while pulling the bedcovers higher in the morning. After excruciating pain all day, I climbed back into bed at night, twisting my knee in the process. FML

Fashionably Late

Today, the pair of solar eclipse glasses I ordered weeks ago arrived. I'm sure they'll come in handy for 2024. FML

Today, my boyfriend blocked me from every form of contact. He told my friend that we broke up, but never told me. I still have his clothes in my house. FML

Relaxed

Today, at physical therapy, I felt that all-too-familiar gurgle in my gut, but I thought it would a light, silent fart. I squatted for an exercise and shit my pants in front of the cute, single, male physical therapist. He definitely noticed. I still had 30 minutes left in the session. FML

Today, I paid £200 for a car service to make sure everything was running okay. I got the all clear that everything was perfect and all necessary fluids topped up. I then wrote the car off 20 minutes later in an accident. FML

Today, I met my favourite singer, but when she signed my CD, the marker was out of ink. By the time I realised there was no signature, she was already gone. FML

All in a day's work

Today, at my job as a waiter I sharted myself while taking an order. They tipped me $20 and wrote "for new underwear" on the receipt. FML

Today, I was watching my 2-year-old sister in the bathtub. As she was splashing, she stopped, and pointed at the "owie" on my head. I told her it was okay, and that it was just a pimple. She said, "Wow, you have a lot of pimples!" FML

Don't send dickpics (unless requested)

Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my stepfather's new phone. FML

Today, my toilet has been draining slowly, if at all, for days. I finally got someone to agree to come look at it. They never showed up. I had to pee in a bush in my yard. FML

Today, after working 85 hours in a single week, I finally got my paycheck. $500. Apparently I got a pay cut without anyone telling me. FML

Insurance is a scam

Today, I got stuck with a water-damaged kitchen. The manufacturer says their warranty doesn't cover it as it's a user error, my insurance says they don't cover it as it's a manufacturer error. FML

Today, I found out that I get incredibly, disgustingly ill if I eat anything before or during a flight. I discovered this 4 hours into a 23-hour flight to Greece. Only 19 hours of nausea to go. FML

Today, at lunch, I was talking to my friends about having a boyfriend. Suddenly, some boy I don't even know said, "Nobody wants to date that ugly bitch." FML

Today, I took off my fake lashes. My fake lashes took off my real lashes. FML

Today, after many months of physical therapy for my broken ankle and months of going to college with crutches, my doctor suddenly noticed that my bones hadn't grown together properly. I'm going to have to have another surgery and redo my entire year in college. FML