Today, the police showed up at my door asking if I told this... - FML

By Poopamus

Today, the police showed up at my door asking if I told this creepy guy stalking my girlfriend that I'll chop him up and bury each piece in a different country if he doesn't stop bothering my girl. I told them I did, along with an explanation. Turns out, he's been missing since that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2486

You deserved it

493

Tweet

Share

Out of it

Walk on the wild side

And today, on Dr Phil…

By Fml

Today, a co-worker called in sick due to a family emergency. I ended up working an unplanned 12-hour overnight shift. After I clocked out, I dragged myself out to the parking lot to go home. Someone had smeared tacos all over my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4348

You deserved it

196

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding photos. The photographer moved onto the "candid" shots and thought it would be cute to have pics of us making out at the reception. I have blonde hair. The girl in the picture did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55224

You deserved it

3042

Tweet

Share

By cachow - United States

Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled 'hello'. There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13877

You deserved it

36253

Tweet

Share

By worsethanzombies - Spain

Today, my car crashed and the only refuge was at a nearby house, the resident of which was a crazy psycho. Now replace "crazy psycho" with "crazy ex-girlfriend who won't help you unless you compose a poem about how much you love her." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34015

You deserved it

4851

Tweet

Share

By Pixel - Canada - Castlegar

Today, I was supposed to go in for a polygraph test as part of the hiring process to be a cop, but I was so nervous that I couldn't sleep. Finally two hours before the exam, I fell into a deep sleep, so deep that I slept through all my alarms. Worst part: I couldn't lie about sleeping in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37200

You deserved it

5401

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Hayward

Today, my uncle asked me to act as a bodyguard in a video he was making. I put on the shades and suit while he was saying his message to the camera. I was laughing so hard internally that I ended up farting so loud throughout the entire video. We had to shoot the video five times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12774

You deserved it

2825

Tweet

Share

By Spudzy - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, I tried hitting on the new receptionist at work. After a few flirtatious comments and subtly hinting that I thought she was bangable, she informed me that she's married to our boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9402

You deserved it

44695

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, it's my 17th birthday, and the first birthday since my mother died, leaving me to live with my previously-absent father. He gave me pretzels and a laser pointer, and said, "Happy birthday, fuckstick". One more year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70328

You deserved it

3419

Tweet

Share

By random - United Kingdom

Comforter

Today, I hooked up with a guy I'm totally in love with. After finishing, he burst into tears about being in love with another girl. I had to comfort him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35423

You deserved it

5378

Tweet

Share

By TeaSea

Today, I told my class I was giving them 60 seconds to do a problem. A girl replied furiously "At least give us one minute!!" I teach a high school honors math class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5237

You deserved it

444

Tweet

Share

By freshman - Canada

Today, to make my dorm neighbours think I'm popular, I blasted music and screamed at the top of my lungs so it sounded like I was having a party. My residence manager slapped me with a noise violation, and demanded to come in to make sure we weren't drinking. I had to explain why I was by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10137

You deserved it

59961

Tweet

Share

By sad - United States

Today, I found out that the girl who my high school boyfriend cheated on me with is now the woman my husband is having an affair with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69219

You deserved it

4090

Tweet

Share

By scottskidee - United States

Today, I had my girlfriend drive me to go buy a motorcycle. I rode it 50 minutes home, got in the drive way, put the kick stand down, and then lost my balance and fell on the other side. I paid $3000 to drop it in the first hour and break the turn signal off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22413

You deserved it

24831

Tweet

Share

By StiffPvtParts

Today, after a night of drinking, I awoke in the early hours of the morning to a sight of my roommate playing with my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2063

You deserved it

273

Tweet

Share

By Kan23 - United States - Altus

Today, I got fired from my job. When I asked why, all that was said to me was, "We don't have to disclose that information, but you did nothing wrong. It's just not working out." FML

I agree, your life sucks

20926

You deserved it

1430

Tweet

Share

By thelunarwolf

Today, while trying to have a serious conversation with my husband about his drug use over text, he came home. Drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28760

You deserved it

8848

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was puked on for the third time in three years at our annual choir concert. What makes it so significant? The fact that the same guy pukes on me every year from stage fright. We're arranged alphabetically, and he's always in the row RIGHT above me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58120

You deserved it

4635

Tweet

Share

By Not a programmer yet - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss told me that the company will be hiring a programmer for our department. I had the idea for the position when we went over my 3-year career path last month, but it wasn't approved. I now get to look over résumés from other people applying for my dream job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24629

You deserved it

1597

Tweet

Share

By Nylo

Today, I made my first ever chocolate fudge, which turned out really nice. I had a bite and left it on the counter with plastic wrap covering, only to come back later to find my sister's cat pissing on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4072

You deserved it

501

Tweet

Share

By toni405 - United States

Today, after watching Insidious, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was on the toilet. I was in mid-piss when he jumped out at me, and I ran screaming and peeing down the hall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46673

You deserved it

11434

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating breakfast at an IHOP. As I was eating, the old man sitting directly behind me started discussing every aspect of his spastic colon, in vivid detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25126

You deserved it

3000

Tweet

Share

By DontGive2Fox

Today, I had my first job interview and didn’t have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn’t speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2141

You deserved it

1574

Tweet

Share

By Sunny - Canada - Ottawa

Today, every time I write the word "analyst," I can't help but giggle because it begins with "anal." I'm 24, and studying to be a conflict analyst. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22470

You deserved it

34004

Tweet

Share

By insomniac - United States

Today, I was finally going to fall asleep at a decent hour. Having insomnia, I generally get about 2 hours of sleep. Right as I'm about to fall asleep, 5 firetrucks decide to drive right in front of my house with the sirens/lights on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47206

You deserved it

4715

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Bellflower

Today, my sister had me kicked out of her wedding reception for, in the words of her new husband, "harshing the buzz." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39893

You deserved it

5368

Tweet

Share

By EchoDearEcho - Australia

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. My mother turned to me and said, "Wait you're actually gay? I thought you were just saying that to piss off your father." I came out to her when I was 16, and have confided in her about my past relationships. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34758

You deserved it

4742

Tweet

Share

By Jake Leiter - United States - Grantham

Today, for what has seemed to be the hundredth time, my labeled bagged lunch was stolen from the fridge at my workplace. I stormed into my boss's office ready to complain, only to find him eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21856

You deserved it

1215

Tweet

Share

By Noname - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I'd undressed and then threw up all over the rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks

150103

Phew, glad it wasn't me

22873

Tweet

Share

By lexiibabe - United States - Attleboro

Today, my older brother gave me his old phone. He didn't realize that he hadn't deleted his pictures. I found a bunch of him wearing my underwear and bras. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2021

You deserved it

133

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Philippines

Today, I learned that shaving while feeling upset is a very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21262

You deserved it

6571

Tweet

Share

By Joey - United States

Today, my company hired a new guy to help on our project. My boss said that he would shadow me for the whole day so he could learn our system. At the end of the day my boss fired me, handed my company car keys and laptop to my "shadow for the day" right in front of me. My Mom picked me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41572

You deserved it

2454

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I was offered a position as a trainer at a great company. My manager was livid when I told her. This is after she told me I was wasting my time trying to become a trainer and if I wanted to become one, I should apply elsewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2765

You deserved it

189

Tweet

Share

By bryans_fresh - United States

Today, I wanted to use my gift card for a liquor store. I went to pay the cashier, who said he needed to see my license. I gave it to him as well as my gift card. After paying, he asked me if I wanted him to cut it up, since the card was now worth $0. I said yes. He cut the wrong card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60382

You deserved it

4738

Tweet

Share

By jobless - United States

Today, I had a phone interview with my potential new boss. I was getting excited about the prospects of landing a great job. I had nailed every question the man asked me and right after he told me he'll call me tomorrow if he wants me to come in I sweetly said, "Talk to you tomorrow, Love you" FML

I agree, your life sucks

25294

You deserved it

58135

Tweet

Share

By oopsydaisy - United States

Today, my co-worker told me that my other co-worker is in the process of getting a divorce. I got really excited because his marriage is very toxic. He overheard me say, "He deserves that divorce!" I meant it in a good way, but I don't think he took it that way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34521

You deserved it

11949

Tweet

Share

By rashree - United States

Today, my long-distance boyfriend told me that he was going to pee on me to "mark his territory." When I told him that it was disgusting, he said, "last time, I just peed on you in the shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24542

You deserved it

3531

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work. I pulled impatiently behind a long line of cars to make a right hand turn. I sat there for 5 minutes. Turns out there wasn't a line to make a right hand turn. I had been waiting behind a line of parked cars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12814

You deserved it

70417

Tweet

Share

By not gay in AL - United States

Today, my dad seemed moody, so to lift his spirits, I told him I love him. He just snorted, "You gay or something, boy?" Really mature, dad, really mature. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46261

You deserved it

5456

Tweet

Share

By badgrandchild - United States

Today, my phone rang while I was home alone. When I picked up, all I could hear was heavy breathing. Convinced it was one of my friends playing a joke, I said loudly, "Get off the phone, you fucker, and don't call back!" It turned out it was my grandma. She had been having a stroke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43497

You deserved it

91929

Tweet

Share

By kay_jay1819 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16891

You deserved it

33236

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By colderthanyou | 15

#7796372 - Tuesday 23 April 2019 15:13

Guess who’s a number one suspect!?
I know it’s tempting to threaten those shitty people, but you just can’t for this very reason.

I do hope there is a follow up for this one though

By stormy0307 | 16

#7796358 - Tuesday 23 April 2019 14:07

This is why you don’t make threats.

COMMENTS

By stormy0307 | 16

#7796358 - Tuesday 23 April 2019 14:07

This is why you don’t make threats.

By colderthanyou | 15

#7796372 - Tuesday 23 April 2019 15:13

Guess who’s a number one suspect!?
I know it’s tempting to threaten those shitty people, but you just can’t for this very reason.

I do hope there is a follow up for this one though

By melisssa87 | 30

#7796387 - Tuesday 23 April 2019 16:41

Man the person that made him disappear did a well done job!

By Shawnie Gallant | 24

#7796392 - Tuesday 23 April 2019 17:21

Did you expect the threat to have no consequences? It’s 2019, someone will call the police over a car alarm.

By donthatemebut | 14

#7796400 - Tuesday 23 April 2019 17:39

And the #1 suspect of the case is named Poopamus

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7796401 - Tuesday 23 April 2019 17:39

Maybe he took your threat seriously. Or maybe you followed through with it. *squints suspiciously*

By RichardPencil | 28

#7796414 - Tuesday 23 April 2019 18:03

Sounds like a fun Carmen Sandiego episode. You leading the cops to various exotic countries to show them where you buried body parts.

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7796585 - Wednesday 24 April 2019 0:56

Imagine having to travel halfway around the world just to find some dead guy's junk.

By davidfong | 14

#7796552 - Tuesday 23 April 2019 23:22

So where did you bury him. $50k and I’ll help make home disappear for real.

By alycion | 38

#7796638 - Wednesday 24 April 2019 5:31

Probably took off after telling someone about the threat to screw with you. And I wouldn’t take that possibility lightly.

By Jonkbaby | 19

#7796994 - Thursday 25 April 2019 1:25

you were just protecting your girl