The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Today, I was told by my wife that we were going to be parents. We are both females. FML

Sneaky sneaky...

Today, while on vacation, I found out that my boyfriend moved out. He had claimed that he couldn't come with me because his boss messed up his time off request, and for the last two days he said he'd been "cleaning". FML

Today, I just hit 41 weeks pregnant. Today is also the day my AC decided to die. I live in Florida, where it's hot WITH the AC on. This is gonna be fun. FML

Today, I was instructed to make the "Staff Orientation and Training Manual" at work. It's my second day here. FML

Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew!

Today, I was writing an essay while sleep-deprived. In between actually writing, I started typing my thoughts. It was only after I’d submitted the essay that I realized that I hadn’t deleted the random words. My teacher can see my early-morning rambling about potatoes. I have no way to delete it. FML

Today, I told my mom I had 73 cents in my checking account. She gave me a penny and told me I had 74 cents and it was even now. Thanks mom. FML

Today, I was walking out of work. I felt like everyone was staring at me but brushed it off. It wasn't until I got home that I realized I had toilet paper sticking out of my pants. FML

Today, I went to Houston to help with hurricane relief and to donate supplies. Later, I realized that I'd accidentally donated a bag that had my brand new truck keys in it. I've been waiting for 5 hours already to find it. FML

Freaky...

Today, it's the third time in a row that I've woken myself up in the middle of the night by pouring freezing cold water on myself. I didn’t even have water on my nightstand last night. I woke up in the kitchen. FML

Up to date

Today, for the fifth time in a row, my parents tried to discuss my pooping habits with me at the dinner table. This time, we had guests. FML

Invasion

Today, I came home to carpenter ants coming out from under my baseboards. I went out and bought bait traps and now there are flying ants coming out of the woodwork. If I try to sleep, they crawl on me. FML

Treat yourself

Today, my fiancée bought me a luxury getaway to the Maldives, complete with a five-star hotel and first-class plane tickets. Too bad she used my credit card, with all the money I was saving for our wedding. FML

Today, I stayed until 11 PM washing, wiping, and mopping up the entire restaurant. I forgot to clock in. FML

Today, I returned from a trip to Budapest with more condoms than I had brought with me. FML

Today, after retyping a 22-page report for work because the orginal had gone missing, i realized I had used a different laptop the first time. I now have 2 copies of the same report, both of which are late. FML

Today, my fiancée and I saw my parents at a store. This would've been a nice surprise if it wasn't a sex shop. FML

Today, the first day in nearly a year that I had completely to myself, I booked a spa day and a massage. Just after I arrived at the spa, the daycare center called. The baby had a fever and needed to be picked up. FML

Today, the lady in front of me in the checkout line had a pacifier hanging around her neck, but I didn't think much of it until it was time for her to pay. She reacted to the $250 total by crying like a baby and very loudly asking me to put the pacifier in her mouth to calm her down. FML

Today, in my first month at the gym, I was running on the treadmill when my washcloth fell to the floor. Without thinking much, I bent down to get it, lost my balance and took the biggest fall. I no longer have the courage to go there, and I already paid a biannual package. FML

Today, based on recent x-rays, I have the right knee of a 60-year-old, the left knee of a 70-year-old, and the right hip joint of a 100-year-old who's been dead for 15 years. I'm only 19 years old and my doctor says I'm gonna need two walking sticks by the time I'm 25. FML

Today, I went out for the afternoon leaving my younger brother at home. He's never had a girlfriend, which I always put down to him being shy and a little overweight. Well, I came home early to walk in on him taking it up the arse from his uni buddy. Off the charts awkward. FML

Today, my daughter apparently has had enough of my mother-in-law's favoritism and constant bashing of me by telling her, "Grandma, might I highly recommend death at this point?" She's 7. FML

Today, my mom ordered my birthday presents on eBay. Too bad she used my account, so when I went to look for ideas, everything she bought me popped up. It's so much stuff I don't want, need, or will ever use, and it's on my credit card. FML

Today, at 12, I went for a run across campus. Why? I'd realized my 12:30 exam was actually at 12. FML

Today, my favourite vibrator got a good thrashing. Unfortunately, it was by my cat, who tore it to shreds. I guess she disapproves of my choice of leisure activities. FML

Great advice

Today, at gym class, coach placed the boys on an "advanced level" rope climb by having a girl cling on their back. I got paired with my crush. As he climbed, we were trailing behind so I cheered for him to go faster. He loudly responded, "Why don't you go on a diet!?" FML

Today, while eating s'mores with my boyfriend's family, I misplaced my false tooth. With a team of flashlights and hurt pride, my expensive tooth was found. In dog shit. FML

Friends like these…

Today, one of my female friends decided she wants a relationship with my ex. I told her I was fine with it because we've been apart for years and have been friends ever since. She then made him chose between being friends with me and having her as a girlfriend. I just lost two of my few friends. FML

Today, for my family, my most impressive quality is I can make spaghetti and meatballs. FML

Superficial

Today, after a lifelong struggle with suicidal depression and heroin abuse, I've been clean for six months. This is the healthiest I've been in ages, and naturally, I've gained weight. My whole family constantly talks about how I’ve let myself go, and how I should go back on heroin to be thin. FML