Today, based on recent x-rays, I have the right knee of a 60-year-old,... - FML

By Anonymous - 9/9/2018 14:30

Today, based on recent x-rays, I have the right knee of a 60-year-old, the left knee of a 70-year-old, and the right hip joint of a 100-year-old who's been dead for 15 years. I'm only 19 years old and my doctor says I'm gonna need two walking sticks by the time I'm 25. FML

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Time for the ER

Social distancing gone wrong

Trip Advisor says no

By Oh hells no - 16/9/2013 07:26 - United States - Los Altos

Today, my girlfriend came home with a huge bouquet of roses. They were from an admirer, brainwashing her to think I'm a terrible boyfriend for not buying her flowers like he did. FML

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By nic - 1/4/2009 20:06 - United States

Today, for April fools I decided to set off the smoke detectors in my friend's apartment while he was sleeping and saran wrap the outside of his bedroom doorway so he would smack into it. Instead, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. FML

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By fmlgirl - 9/5/2014 18:44 - Netherlands - Hulst

Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

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By poormomma - 15/4/2020 08:00

Shame! Shaaaame!

Today, I found out my son kept quiet about having head lice for a week. He's 14. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2012 16:36 - United Kingdom

Today, a stuffed ferret was the latest addition to the list of weird items my colleagues have found in our rubbish tip, and that they put in my office. The list also includes explicit fetish porn playing cards, live ammo and dead pheasants, to name a few. I need a new job. FML

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By yudencow - 18/9/2019 18:00

Reading skills

Today, I showed my parents the latest excerpt from my first book. It's about narratology. My dad thought I was writing about meat. He read "peaks and valleys" as "pork and veal." FML

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By secret meat - 21/6/2014 02:04 - United States - Framingham

Today, after being a vegetarian for 5 years, I found out that my boyfriend of 2 years has secretly been feeding me meat. His reason is that he thinks it's "funny" that I still call myself a vegetarian afterwards. FML

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By not outdoorsy - 10/7/2020 14:02

The call of the wild

Today, I haven’t been camping since I was a kid. I decided to give it another shot. I bought all the best equipment, researched all the great locations, planned a whole weekend. Turns out I still fucking hate camping and now I’m out over $400. FML

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By Applelover012 - 8/7/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven't slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML

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By cabatt - 13/1/2019 04:00

Today, I'm a chef and I had a new set of knives delivered. My boss says to me, ''Be careful with your new knives, they're going to be sharp. You don't want to cut your nail off.'' Not 2 minutes later I chop my whole nail off my right index. He jinxed me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 00:51 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend let me be the first one to read the novel he dropped out of college to write. Turns out it's titled "A Brief History of Ass" and is an incoherent ramble about every time we've had anal sex. FML

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By NotAMorningPerson - 12/2/2011 04:02 - United States

Today, after informing my boss I needed stress leave from my 70 hour a week shifts, I got my new work assignment. Sixty hours a week starting at 2am. FML

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By 34_22_34 - 28/7/2010 19:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. He said we’d go pick up the ring tomorrow. Then he asked to borrow $40 to get it out of pawn. He pawned it when his ex gave it back to him. FML

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By avatarnicole9 - 4/6/2015 05:17 - Canada

Today, while going for a walk, I saw two bunnies next to the road. Apparently, I was scarier than the oncoming traffic, because one of them decided to sprint into the road as I walked by. I could hear its bones crunch as it got hit by a car. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2018 13:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had a job interview. I got there as quick as I could, having to travel 2 hours into a city I'd never been to. When I arrived, they told me I was turned down for being too late. They'd rescheduled the interview an hour earlier and I wasn't notified of the change. FML

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By FlatFoot - 5/10/2017 07:00 - United States - New York

Move, bitch! Get out the way!

Today, my dad ran over my foot with his work truck. FML

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By bankergirl - 16/1/2010 07:22 - United States

Today, I got called into work and I was really excited to earn some extra money. One block from getting there I get pulled over. Apparently my tags were expired, and there goes half a weeks pay. FML

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By fryebaby623 - 13/11/2015 05:47 - United States - Vero Beach

Today, I was so tired when I got home from work, I took off my bra without removing my shirt which I've done so often it is second nature. I successfully removed the bra, then snagged the clasp on a loose shirt thread, causing my bra to take on a life of its own and slap me in the face. FML

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By cali - 24/11/2010 06:08 - United States

Today, I had just finished writing my rough draft essay, so I went to sit by the pond. A giant moth suddenly flew down and attacked me, causing me to drop my binder in the pond, ruining the essay. I discovered in the aftermath that the moth was actually a leaf. FML

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By blah. - 5/4/2010 10:14 - Thailand

Today, my shrink diagnosed me as severely depressive, due to a lot of stress and yells at home. After the session, my parents argued about whose fault it was and then went on to yell at me for being depressive and wasting their money. FML

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By fmlTGOD - 24/8/2011 11:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough. FML

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By heart-broken - 3/7/2009 01:33 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She's not actually a lesbian. She has been using our relationship to piss off her conservative parents. We've been together for over a year, and I've been in love with her for over five. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2015 21:16 - United States - Newark

Today, as I left the supermarket, I found someone had hit my car in the parking lot. There was a note tucked under the wipers. Insurance details? Nope. It just said "Sorry dude. I fucked up. Good luck with the car." Great. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, my boyfriend of one year told me he loved me. He was calling me by collect call from the county jail. FML

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By mitchellcrawford - 31/5/2016 18:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after seeing a cute girl on the bus, I tried to look cool by flipping my hair, only to smack the side of my head into the bus window. FML

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By peanutprobs - 31/10/2014 21:12 - Germany - Bochum

Today, my friend took our prank war too far when he secretly added peanuts to my food. I have a peanut allergy. FML

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By Pusillanimous - 19/7/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I was waiting in line with a friend, and she poked my stomach and said, "I wish I had your stomach." I asked her why. She said, "Boys wouldn't flirt with me." FML

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By Uneducated - 26/1/2019 20:00

Today, my dad informed me that I’d not be progressing into next year’s class because it’s a waste of money. But it’s fine because my twin will be learning for the both of us. FML

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By anonymous - 14/5/2012 10:31 - United States - Havelock

Today, my boyfriend started laughing during sex because my boobs are slightly different. He then broke up with me after I pointed out that his nuts aren't exactly even either. FML

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By captainkevineff - 11/3/2010 14:44 - United States

Today, I learned that even though they say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, it doesn't keep him from putting a Q-tip up your ass. FML

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By Shane - 8/2/2011 07:58

Today, I was dry-walling a house when my butt started to itch. I bent over to scratch it on a piece of plywood, at which point the client's wife walked in and asked what the fuck I was doing. FML

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By blue. - 19/5/2011 23:32

Today, I'm the coach of a football team. To celebrate winning a game, they poured a cooler of blue Gatorade over my head. This would've been great, if not for the fact that I'm highly allergic to blue food dye. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2010 17:15 - Estonia

Today, I stole a bite of my boyfriend's hamburger. He threw a fit, saying I took too big a bite and I had to replace it with a new, more expensive one. Afterwards, he said how lucky I was he didn't break up with me then and there. FML

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By rawrrrr - 17/3/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, after a fire alarm went off, everyone was going back into the building. I had never gone up the stairs before because I live on the 9th floor. As everybody was going back inside, I followed some guys right into their suite on the 1st floor, thinking it was the way to the stairs. FML

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By ugly - 31/8/2010 12:11 - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to school. I was applying some makeup when I noticed a little boy watching me. When I was finished I heard him whisper to his mom, "I thought make up was supposed to make you pretty." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I am sick of watching my friend's dog while she is on vacation. In four days, this dog has shredded my mattress, peed on my couches, chewed my kitchen chairs, and attacked my dog while she slept. My friend won't answer her phone, but she does update Facebook non-stop. Ten days to go. FML

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By cderr - 17/7/2011 22:57 - United States

Today, my sister found out she contracted ringworm and scabies from her best friend's rescued kittens. The entire family now has to be treated to prevent it from spreading. There are 7 people in our house and none of us have health insurance. FML

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By dirtytoes - 6/11/2015 14:27 - United States - Houston

Today, I found a diaper in the parking lot. It's been raining all morning. This was the wrong day to wear flip-flops. FML

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By my first job - 6/4/2016 20:02 - Canada - Westerose

Today, after working for 12 hours in the cold rain on muddy terrain, my coordinator drove down a hill and didn't come back. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere, forced to walk two hours uphill back to HQ to find him there. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2015 01:25 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, when making a delivery for the restaurant I work for, a customer shoved and yelled at me because she didn't get any fries with her order. She didn't order any, which isn't unusual, considering we're a Chinese takeaway and don't even sell them. FML

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Top comments

By Leeono | 26

#7686643 - Sunday 2 September 2018 9:56

Well maybe if you weren’t stealing other people’s body parts you wouldn’t have this problem!

By awildwhisper | 30

#7690181 - Sunday 9 September 2018 14:56

Welp! Time to become a robotics engineer and create a new body for yourself. Either that or learn how to walk on stilts and join the circus!

COMMENTS

By Leeono | 26

#7686643 - Sunday 2 September 2018 9:56

Well maybe if you weren’t stealing other people’s body parts you wouldn’t have this problem!

By awildwhisper | 30

#7690181 - Sunday 9 September 2018 14:56

Welp! Time to become a robotics engineer and create a new body for yourself. Either that or learn how to walk on stilts and join the circus!

By Charlie Given | 23

#7690202 - Sunday 9 September 2018 15:39

Sounds like you have a lot of medical issues that may be genetic time to go get a second opinion from a specialist or two 😒😵🤒😟

By RichardPencil | 28

#7690293 - Sunday 9 September 2018 18:22

Basically, the doctor says you’re 230 years old. The good news is you can join AARP and get sweet senior discounts!

By drego5 | 28

#7690304 - Sunday 9 September 2018 18:54

Do they call you Mr. Glass?

By blondie45 | 21

#7690379 - Sunday 9 September 2018 21:51

Are you severely overweight?

By interesting33 | 36

#7690487 - Monday 10 September 2018 3:05

my friend is similar. she calls her walking stick Gerald. sorry OP that sucks

By fde2blknimout | 18

#7690490 - Monday 10 September 2018 3:31

What kind of dr. Prescribes sticks? Id just go with walking crutches.

By fde2blknimout | 18

#7690492 - Monday 10 September 2018 3:31

By any chance was he or she a stick figure?

By alycion | 38

#7690655 - Monday 10 September 2018 11:31

There are shots that may be able to help. Get those if possible. Look into PT. It may prolong things and help with the pain. It kept me out of a wheelchair and I can be active again within reason.