The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Today, I accidentally bought an audio book through iBooks for $40 AUD. I'm deaf. FML

Today, while shopping, I tried on a beautiful knee-length dress. It looked amazing and I decided to buy it, until the time came to take it off. A jammed zip meant 15 minutes of tugging before the manager cut me free. FML

Meth: Not Even Once

Today, I had to sit beside this crazy man on the bus. After trying to ignore his ranting about being the Messiah, he suddenly stood up and cursed me as Satan, loudly screaming that he won't be tempted by my devilish ways. FML

Jimmy Handtricks

Today, my husband is a music teacher, and I walked in on him on Zoom with one of his female students. He said he was teaching her the guitar. He was naked from the waist down and she was fully nude. FML

Today, I found out that even though I’m a wonderful singer, my choir teacher gave me a B in the class because I didn’t have “enough facial expression”. I got marked down for a resting bitch face without a warning. FML

Gross

Today, a man easily 30 years older than me said hi in a bar, but I didn’t engage. Apparently that meant "Please rub your junk on my leg." FML

Today, a woman was standing in front of me in line. There was a strand of hair on her back, so to be nice, I pulled it off her. It was still attached to her head. FML

Today, a reliable source informed me that my suspicions that I would soon be fired were wrong. Instead, my boss plans to make my life miserable until I quit. FML

Today, I found out my mom is banging my ex-boyfriend's best friend. He’s 22 and my mom is 50. Oh, and not only does my ex know, but so does the whole town. FML

New one

Today, I closed my eyes while my boyfriend was fingering me, and I felt a cold liquid inside me. I opened my eyes, and he was pouring yogurt into me. He said “I wanted to try something new.” FML

Today, I came home to find my wife and my ex-wife naked in my bed. Apparently they've been in a relationship for five months. When I told my kids, they said that they were helping to keep the secret. FML

Oh, hi

Today, my husband popped out to the hotel gym while I jumped in the shower. After a while I heard a knock on the door. Thinking it was him, I cheekily opened the door in my naked glory to be greeted by the maid. I didn’t know do-not-disturb signs aren’t double sided. FML

Barf

Today, whilst driving, I had the sudden urge to vomit. As I pulled over I wound my window down, stuck my head out, and emptied my stomach. At least I would have if I had wound down the driver's window instead of the back window. FML

It wasn't me

Today, I was having dinner at a restaurant with my best friend and her 18-month-old. I really had to fart, so I let one go silently, hoping it would go unnoticed. I caught a whiff of it, but so did my friend apparently, because she made a face and then held up her baby to smell her diaper. FML

Today, I traveled through a winter storm to NYC. After a miserable interview, I got in my car and drove only 200 feet before being pulled over and ticketed for momentarily picking up my GPS. Today's total: 5 points, $150, no new job, and 6 hours of driving in a Nor'easter. FML

The family tree is a stump

Today, my family is too damn close. My uncle on my dad's side just got my aunt on my mum's side pregnant, three cousins from dad's side are dating three cousins from mum's side, and a half brother from my dad is marrying my half sister from my mum. We are the inbred rednecks of this town. FML

Today, I flooded my entire kitchen. The water was cut off at night and I left the faucet open without realizing. When the sound woke me up at 5am, the water reached my ankles. I frantically tried to sweep it out before my mother woke up at 6am. I didn't make it. FML

Classy

Today, I asked a guy to change into a gown for an X-ray exam. I asked him to leave his underwear on, everything else off. Apparently he was going commando, as he left skid marks on my table when the exam was over. FML

Today, I was sitting on my balcony at night when the house across from me had a light that started blinking. I know Morse code and the messages said, "Help, I am kidnapped." Naturally, I called the police, but it was just some bratty kid. I'm in trouble for wasting police time. FML

Today, I opened my blinds to see the front yard littered with trash. My neighbor's cat ripped our trash bags open and smeared them all over the lawn. Since it was my turn to take out the trash this week, my family decided I would be the one cleaning up too. FML

Today, after over a month of running to lose weight, I can’t walk without crying from the shooting pain in my legs. My husband is upset that I won’t go to the grocery store, make his lunch, or go hiking with him. FML

Today, someone broke the flush on the toilet in the only female bathroom in the office, and didn’t leave either a note or out of order sign. The broken flush became very apparent, however, after I was unable to flush the vile smelling deposit I’d left in there. FML

Today, since my parents always told me that I was welcome to come home whenever I want or need, I decided to stop by. They'd changed the locks and wouldn't let me in. FML

Airtight

Today, I bought shampoos and household chemicals and was heading home on my bike when it started to rain. I felt a weird burning sensation down my back so I stopped and got off the bike. My backpack and jeans were covered in foam. FML

List of sins

Today, I found out the girl I’ve been seeing, and having lots of kinky sex with, I’m talking "confess to a priest or take to your grave" kind of kinky, is actually my cousin who moved abroad when she was two years-old, and only just recently moved back here. FML

Today, I found out that my mom uses my Facebook account more than I do. FML

Thanks, but no thanks

Today, my son surprised me by waking me up to be first to greet me a happy birthday. He was with his marching band buddies in full battle gear, playing the chorus of Stars and Stripes Forever. In my bedroom. At 5 a.m. FML

Today, I noticed my cat was about to vomit on the rug and yelled at her to move. She spooked and managed to throw up while running. I still had to clean up the rug. FML

That one friend

Today, I learned that all of my "friends" refer to me as the, "Jar Jar Binks" of our circle of friends. FML

Today, I bought a 3 lb bag of pears. The first two bites were delicious! The third bite revealed a worm and its thousands of eggs. FML