By shinra - 18/7/2018 20:30

Freaky...

Today, it's the third time in a row that I've woken myself up in the middle of the night by pouring freezing cold water on myself. I didn’t even have water on my nightstand last night. I woke up in the kitchen. FML

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Health

Dangling modifier

Serious times

Messed up

By Noname - 19/1/2009 23:12 - Australia

Today, I was watching TV and realised I am attracted to Sandra Oh. FML

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9587

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By zed - 9/9/2012 17:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took a girl out to dinner. Halfway through, she sighed and asked if it was all an episode of Disaster Date. FML

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26813

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By pop, pop - 8/5/2015 15:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I fell asleep while working the night shift. It took me 3 hours and a whole lot of dirty looks while walking home before I looked in a mirror and saw my cockbite of a coworker had drawn a swastika on my forehead while I was asleep. FML

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By nick - 28/1/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I was on my grandparents' computer looking for my old high school resume. I came across a word document titled "Experiences". Thinking it was part of my resume, I opened it up and started reading. It was a brief, yet explicit record of my grandfather's recent sexual frustrations. FML

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By gasbrain - 5/9/2020 20:06

Buyer's market

Today, after being unemployed for a couple of months, I got a call back from a security job I did for a week. But with a new condition: besides the security work, one day in the week they want me to cut grass, paint and clean up the grounds for the same minimum wage. FML

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1157

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2012 05:09 - United States

Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, feeling incredibly sick. I then ran downstairs and had diarrhea while I threw up. I spent Valentine's Day having diarrhea every time I coughed or sneezed. FML

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By Ohfknhell - 16/5/2018 05:00

It's a sign...

Today, I received a package from Amazon that was supposed to contain the book I needed for my open book final exam tonight. They must have mixed up my order, because the box contained a large pink dildo. I think the universe just told me to get fucked. FML

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By Lily - 2/9/2015 10:09 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my doctor informed me that the tests we've been doing the previous months show no sign of leukemia. I was just about to express my relief when he casually followed up with, "Never mind, there's still a lot of other blood-related diseases we need to look out for." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2010 20:10 - United States

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to the DMV to take my drivers test. FML

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By JRLJLS - 15/4/2013 09:09 - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, I had phone sex with my boyfriend. He had an asthma attack. FML

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By fishy situation - 13/6/2017 04:00

Today, my friend is furious with me because while I was watching her various fish for two weeks, I failed to feed her favorite fish and it died. The reason I didn't take care of it was because she never told me she had it, that it was in her room unlike the rest of the fish, so I never saw it. FML

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4958

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By shitty day - 30/11/2011 10:53 - United States

Today, I have the stomach flu. If my belly growls, I have 30 seconds or less to get to the bathroom. I can't go to the doctor for fear of shitting my pants on the trip there. FML

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33058

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By Torbey - 14/9/2016 03:49 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my younger brother complained yet again of soreness in his wrist. Frustrated with his constant whining, my mother turned to him and snapped, 'Well, what have you been using it for all this time then!?' The awkward silence of realisation for them both won't go away anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2016 16:58

Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML

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By Cheating - 27/1/2012 23:52 - United States

Today, I was looking through my boyfriend's Facebook photos, when I saw a recent comment by one of his friends asking how his night out with "Danielle" went. He replied: "Dude, keep that shit on the down-low." We've been dating for over a year. FML

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By kate9871 - 4/10/2019 02:00

Mr. Nice Guy

Today, while driving home, a jeep hit the back of my car. When I got home and told my boyfriend, he acted concerned but still wanted to know what was for dinner. I think I have whiplash, can't stop shaking from the shock and he's practically already waiting at the dinner table. FML

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1686

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2012 12:08 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I walked into a public restroom to find that they had set up a free health clinic for the homeless; by that I mean that I found one bum inspecting and cleaning the infected, bloody genitals of another bum. FML

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29744

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By Robert - 1/1/2018 20:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I had another lucid dream. Like every time I lucid dream, I immediately started having tons of dream sex. That would've been fine if I hadn't been taking a nap on the living room couch in the middle of the day. The entire family heard my squirming and moaning and saw me nut my pants. FML

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By knickedleg - 22/5/2010 07:03 - France

Today, I was using Veet instead of shaving, so that the razor wouldn't cut up my legs. I cut myself with the plastic utensil that you're supposed to use to remove the Veet. FML

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17347

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By Humiliated & Heart-Broken - 30/7/2014 04:41 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him for the first time. The L-word is probably one of the only things I'm scared to say, so what did he do? He stared at me blankly before making a farting noise with his mouth and asking if he could go get Chicken Express for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2019 16:00

Today, my youngest of four children turned 18. It was also the same day that my ex-wife called to tell me that after 18 years of paying child support, I wasn't the father. FML

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2616

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By Just another Dude - 2/10/2017 13:00

Today, I spilled vanilla yogurt on my pants while eating breakfast, but I forgot to clean it up. It left a very conspicuous white stain on my pants, that was there the entire day. I only noticed it when I looked in the mirror after getting home. FML

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2854

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 20:00

Good job!

Today, my husband fell asleep in the middle of a blowjob. I feel kind of insulted. FML

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1978

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By effingdoucher - 30/1/2011 06:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met at my friend's party. He stopped mid-thrust, climbed off, and started talking about how nervous he is about buying his first car next week. FML

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37644

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By staticman101 - 4/10/2012 03:14 - United States - Allendale

Today, I used the phrase "bitch please" in real life. It was funny until the "bitch" bitch-slapped me in the face. FML

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9436

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By who wants spaghetti - 17/12/2015 03:42 - United States - Oconomowoc

Today, during a family dinner, I witnessed my younger brother casually slip his hand down the back of his pants, take it out, sniff each finger individually, before stirring his hand in his spaghetti and continue to eat normally. I was the only one who saw this. FML

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22772

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By panicromanceX3 - 26/4/2009 08:44 - United States

Today, my friends and I spent hours on the Disney website playing in Pixie Hollow. We made our own fairies and flew around completing tasks for TinkerBell and her fairy friends. We're in college, and this is how we spent our Saturday night. FML

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28816

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By halza - 30/5/2016 11:03 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, after a long 16 hour shift, I was milliseconds from sleep when my girlfriend said she "wants to talk". I'm now writing this from the couch. FML

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14327

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By jarrettsorko - 23/8/2011 16:38 - Canada

Today, someone broke into my house. They stole my TV, DVD player and a few DVDs. However they only took about 2 out of 100 DVDs. Apparently that's how bad my taste is in movies. FML

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28219

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By Stephanie - 14/7/2011 19:17 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the park for some planking. Trying to find a daring spot, I climbed a tree and laid down on a branch. While I was waiting for my friends to take a picture, the branch gave out. FML

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10513

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2015 14:14 - United States - Berwyn

Today, I kept getting out of bed because I was sure my daughter had pooped in her diaper. Every time, I found nothing. I finally figured out the foul smell was my husband's breath, when he leaned into kiss me goodnight. FML

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29170

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By fuckkkkk - 17/5/2015 06:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after getting my dream job and quitting old one, I was told my position is strictly "experimental" and will only last 2 months. FML

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32375

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 20:00

Today, I learned what a "pain in the ass" means. I sat down on my patio swing chair, only to discover it was swarming with baby wasps, who stung me all over the butt. Ouch! FML

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1541

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By embarrassedinretail - 20/1/2010 10:01 - Australia

Today, whilst at work, my dad decided to call me and sing an entire rendition of 'The Gambler' by Kenny Rogers. There was a big line of people, and my boss had been standing nearby checking out my phone. I had to stand there and listen to the whole song. FML

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21781

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By Brinty - 16/9/2009 02:43 - Australia

Today, I was napping with my boyfriend and his dog. The dog was making odd coughing noises, but my boyfriend refused to kick him out of the bed. A few moments later, I rolled onto my stomach, into a pile of dog vomit. FML

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38558

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By onehundredpercenteffed - 14/8/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, my wife thought it would be fun to bring in one of her girlfriends for a threesome. Because of the friend, I now know what my wife sounds like when she's having a REAL orgasm. Five years and two kids into our marriage. FML

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56071

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By Evjoel - 12/9/2016 10:52 - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, I decided to take some local college courses to improve my résumé. I got into the physics room and a large, multi-colored sign in large print stated, "NO THROWING OR STABBING." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2009 10:55 - Australia

Today, I saw this cute girl at a bar and decided to go and chat her up. After charming her with my usual crap for a while, I told her she was really pretty and asked for her number. She replied "You asshole, I met you here a year ago and gave you my number, and you never called me." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 19:59 - Ghana - Accra

Today, I'm on holiday in Ghana. After having worn an anklet I bought here for the past two weeks, I was told that it's used by the local prostitutes to advertise their trade. FML

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51388

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 17:01

Creepy crawlies

Today, a friend of mine told me, after coming over to my house for years, that she has tiny "bugs" that are attached to her and follow her wherever she goes. FML

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1327

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7655364 - Saturday 30 June 2018 16:37

Your unconscious mind is still taking part in the Ice Bucket Challenge? Better make sure you get rid of all the cinnamon, and Tide pods, in your house.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7663193 - Wednesday 18 July 2018 20:41

Have you been having wet dreams lately? Maybe your body subconsciously wants you to take a cold shower afterwards!

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7655364 - Saturday 30 June 2018 16:37

Your unconscious mind is still taking part in the Ice Bucket Challenge? Better make sure you get rid of all the cinnamon, and Tide pods, in your house.

PhoenixChick | 26

#7664111 - Friday 20 July 2018 15:57

And hide the car keys...or install a camera in your car for the somnabulist #inmyfeelings challenge.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7663193 - Wednesday 18 July 2018 20:41

Have you been having wet dreams lately? Maybe your body subconsciously wants you to take a cold shower afterwards!

By IrieStorm | 9

#7663226 - Wednesday 18 July 2018 22:11

I woke up in the kitchen one too. Although, I had a half empty box of cookies in my lap. I still don't know how I got there.

By interesting33 | 36

#7663257 - Wednesday 18 July 2018 23:30

maybe see a doctor to see if it means anything or for advice on how to stop it

By Davros | 12

#7663272 - Thursday 19 July 2018 0:03

.....when your a prankster who sleepwalks and has no friends.

By Davros | 12

#7663274 - Thursday 19 July 2018 0:04

Good thing your not a sleepwalking murderer.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7663285 - Thursday 19 July 2018 0:27

As you psychiatrist might say after you tell this story: Icy.

Maybe you shouldn’t watch “Frozen” so close to bedtime?

Glowworm56 | 25

#7663306 - Thursday 19 July 2018 1:41

Just let it go, RichardPencil.

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7663625 - Thursday 19 July 2018 17:36

Those jokes sent a shiver down my spine.

PhoenixChick | 26

#7664107 - Friday 20 July 2018 15:55

Chill, dude

By wanted_2_want | 40

#7663361 - Thursday 19 July 2018 5:52

In the upside, you may want to take some cooking classes so next time you sleepwalk into the kitchen you’ll have a delicious breakfast in the morning.

Win-win.

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7663467 - Thursday 19 July 2018 10:26

Talk to a doctor about it?

Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7663468 - Thursday 19 July 2018 10:27

And more importantly: you have to nominate two people

By zuckerburg | 21

#7663548 - Thursday 19 July 2018 13:02

Stop taking ambien. You don't want to start tweeting racist crap