By shinra

Freaky...

Today, it's the third time in a row that I've woken myself up in the middle of the night by pouring freezing cold water on myself. I didn’t even have water on my nightstand last night. I woke up in the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3357

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Health

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Dangling modifier

No Gods, No Masters

By dayum - Mexico

Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he did it, I realized there was no toilet paper left. I felt too ashamed to interrupt his dump, so I waited for him to ask for paper, he never did and came out without socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33874

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5512

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By crazytown - United States - Denver

Today, my psycho ex boyfriend, who I broke up with over a month ago showed up at my work yelling and crying because I didn't get him anything for his birthday. My boss now thinks I'm an asshole. FML

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46276

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4664

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By anon - United States - La Puente

Awkward conversation

Today, I had to have a very difficult and awkward conversation with my best friend about her fiancé hitting on me. She seemed completely unfazed and ended up admitting that a three-way with me was actually her idea, but she didn't want to "weird me out" by asking me about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2451

You deserved it

347

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By alanh69 - United States - Woodward

Today, I asked my dad to give me a haircut. After 20 minutes of "fuck"s and "shit"s, he gave up and just shaved my head bald. I pull off the look so badly that two people I don't even know have already told me I look like a psychopath. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38222

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6381

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By sandyhome - United States

Today, I went on a date with a girl. We drove separately and met at the restaurant. Over the course of two hours she drank a gallon and a half of beer, then her boyfriend picked her up because she was too drunk to drive home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40670

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6250

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By DimeShapedBruise - United States - Beaverton

Today, some asshat chewed me out over a 10 cent late fine he was charged on his library card. When I tried to explain the fine to him, he started mimicking me. Finally, as he chucked a dime at my head before storming out, I saw the glint of a Rolex watch from beneath his power suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46597

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3118

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By kenabrookee - United States - Northridge

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. We got on the subject of theatre, and his dad brought up "The Book of Mormon", how finally someone was making fun of those "nasty, polygamist, cultist freaks", and if his son ever dated one, he would disown him. I'm Mormon. FML

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43894

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, marks my third day of school being closed due to snow. One, and only one, of the teachers has decided that we have to do work online in the meantime. I just so happen to be in three of his classes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45452

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4775

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By hated - United States

Today, I was leading a wheelchair fundraiser to raise money to make public areas wheelchair accessible. I had several guest speakers, all of which were confined to wheelchairs. About ten minutes after the fundraiser was supposed to begin, I realized that the stage was wheelchair incompatible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17096

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By Female - United States - Montebello

Today, I was excited to finally get an interview after being unemployed since getting out of the military nearly a year ago. Turns out, they weren't even interested in hiring me. They'd just never met a female Marine before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14347

You deserved it

796

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 17:00

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Today, I was getting frisky with my husband under the covers in bed. My son decided to run into our room and cannonball on top of my husband. This startled him, which caused him to bite me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1437

You deserved it

267

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By Amb - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend makes the same noises in bed as he does when he's winning in Call of Duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39936

You deserved it

6167

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By chestycough - Australia - Belrose

Today, my doctor asked me to undo my bra so he could check my breathing without the straps restricting my lungs, I got home and told my friends how awkward it was. Not one of them has had this happen to them before. We all go to the same doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58213

You deserved it

5371

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running the drive-thru window at work, when a man pulled up with his dog in the seat next to him. As he was counting out his change, the dog leaned over his hand and drooled all over it. Not only did he pay exclusively in coins, those coins were slimy from dog drool. FML

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27826

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2872

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By trash80

This is why we shop online!

Today, while checking out at Target, I had the choice of standing behind one lady or a long line. Naturally, I chose the former. Half an hour later, the long line had completely passed, and I was still standing behind the lady, who was now arguing with the cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4579

You deserved it

756

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By thankshun13 - United Kingdom

Today, my fiancé told me that the thought of having sex with a pregnant woman repulsed him. I'm pregnant. He's glad he got that off his chest FML

I agree, your life sucks

30486

You deserved it

4193

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, a customer tried to return some pricey lingerie. She said she didn't have the packaging, but had never worn them. The skidmark I accidentally touched begged to differ. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14557

You deserved it

819

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By mycariswrecked - United States - Tinley Park

Early meeting

Today, I was going to meet up with my boyfriend's mother to watch his swim meet with her. On my way to the high school, I got in a car accident. The person driving the other car was his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2210

You deserved it

183

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By Anonymous - United States - Great Barrington

Today, it's my birthday. My husband hasn't slept with me in months. I am so humiliated every time I try to be intimate with him because I am only ever turned down. Tonight, he rubbed my leg and got mad when I fixed myself so I wouldn't be turned on. Apparently tonight was the night but I moved and ruined it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4107

You deserved it

523

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By Likian5 - United States

Today, I ran into my high school crush at Target. When I asked her if she remembered me, she patted me on the head, said, "Unfortunately," and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26764

You deserved it

2793

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By K-Rat - United States

Today, my cat loves to chase birds. In fact, he loves it so much, he ran out of the litter box mid-poop to chase one, forcing me to wipe his ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9384

You deserved it

1033

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By Anonymous - Canada - Corner Brook

Today, my boyfriend gave me lingerie from Victoria's Secret. He then added that his mother picked it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33491

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3403

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 02:01

Empty gestures

Today, my boss held a staff meeting to talk about how the Covid-19 pandemic has made us stronger, that all of us are family. Later, my car broke down after work, she drove by, saw me stranded on the road and we made eye contact. I thought she was going to help me, but she drove right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1766

You deserved it

106

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Today, it's been a week and a half since our hot water stopped working. Our landlord said he'll get on to it "in 3 days", after having said this already a few days before. I have to wash myself with a bucket and boiled water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1970

You deserved it

157

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By janmesh - 6/11/2020 11:01 - Germany - Köln

Stay indoors, make new friends!

Today, i found myself talking to the rat living under my wardrobe as if he was my friend. It's only day 2 of the partial lockdown in Germany. FML

I agree, your life sucks

736

You deserved it

147

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Paisley

Today, my boyfriend of 8 years moved in with two other women. He's spent the past 2 years telling me he can't afford to move out of his parent's house. FML

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25877

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2569

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By Chamorru - United States

Today, I have so much ass-acne that it hurts to sit. FML

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32293

You deserved it

6260

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and ended up throwing up as soon as I got home. My mother's first question was an accusatory, "What have you been drinking?" I was returning from the AA meeting I have been attending for over a month. I go because I'm afraid I'll become an alcoholic like her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1654

You deserved it

123

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By Dear Lord Save Me - United Kingdom - Merthyr Tydfil

Today, I was shopping with my dad and I saw one of my guy friends, so we waved and smiled at each other. My dad clearly thought his wave was too "romantic", because he shouted at him, "Touch her, and I'll kill you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35092

You deserved it

3280

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By Username

Today, I found out my boyfriend is only with me because he's in love with my sister, who turned him down repeatedly, and I'm the closest he can now get. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36875

You deserved it

3461

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By pranksonpranks - 14/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Dicks aplenty!

Today, my sister and I have been in a prank war. She spammed my phone with dozens of random dick pics from the internet. My boyfriend saw and accused me of cheating. Now he won’t talk to me, and my sister won’t help me explain things. Guess she won. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1456

You deserved it

238

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By cheddar - United States

Today, I woke up feeling great. I opened up the blinds and looked out from my window just in time to see a man ripping my mailbox from the ground and sprinting away with it. FML

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33322

You deserved it

2621

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By Dana422 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to talk to this hot guy in my law school contracts class. His response? "I'm no fashion expert, but I don't think you're supposed to wear purple underwear with white pants. Not that it matters, though, because your zipper is wide open." FML

I agree, your life sucks

19327

You deserved it

39048

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By Cissy

Today, my former coworker called to ask if he could get it on with my ex-husband. The same ex I was married to for 20 years without knowing anything about his other life. I've been replaced by an overweight, middle-aged furry. FML.

I agree, your life sucks

2360

You deserved it

235

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By FidoForever

Today, my wife and I had to rush our dog to the vet for a $700 emergency surgery. The x-ray showed that he had eaten a vibrating cock ring. I've never bought or owned one, so now I've got to deal with the vet bill and lawyer fees for my soon-to-be ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10720

You deserved it

589

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2020 14:02

Overbearing much?

Today, my mom caught me playing Mortal Kombat and had a fit about the violence, saying she read violent video games turn young people like me into mass murderers. I’m 29 years-old with my own flat and she still tries to treat me like a dumb impressionable teenager. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1346

You deserved it

129

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By Mimi - United States

Today, I was shopping when I overheard a woman telling an employee that she was buying an iPad for her 5-year-old son. Annoyed, I turned around and ranted about how he should have more age appropriate toys. Then she explained that her son is autistic and will be using the iPad to communicate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9863

You deserved it

93442

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By kelscait - United States

Today, I had my first kiss with this guy that I really liked. We started making out and he stopped and had this bizarre look on his face. I thought he was liking it, so I said, "You're a good kisser, you wanna go to the bedroom?" He replied with, "I'll pass, you have really bad breath". FML

I agree, your life sucks

21939

You deserved it

57182

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while driving home, I saw a cop with a speed gun "hidden" by the side of the road. I went to slow down so the fuck-knob wouldn't be able to ticket me. I then had a brain-fart and floored the gas instead of hitting the brakes. Hello speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12972

You deserved it

29319

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at my mother's open-casket funeral, my sister-in-law went to pay her respects. As she stood in front of the body, she coughed, muttering "bitch" in the process. Either nobody else noticed or nobody cared, and she went on her way, noticeably not choked up at all. FML

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45290

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7655364 - Saturday 30 June 2018 16:37

Your unconscious mind is still taking part in the Ice Bucket Challenge? Better make sure you get rid of all the cinnamon, and Tide pods, in your house.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7663193 - Wednesday 18 July 2018 20:41

Have you been having wet dreams lately? Maybe your body subconsciously wants you to take a cold shower afterwards!

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7655364 - Saturday 30 June 2018 16:37

Your unconscious mind is still taking part in the Ice Bucket Challenge? Better make sure you get rid of all the cinnamon, and Tide pods, in your house.

PhoenixChick | 26

#7664111 - Friday 20 July 2018 15:57

And hide the car keys...or install a camera in your car for the somnabulist #inmyfeelings challenge.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7663193 - Wednesday 18 July 2018 20:41

Have you been having wet dreams lately? Maybe your body subconsciously wants you to take a cold shower afterwards!

By IrieStorm | 9

#7663226 - Wednesday 18 July 2018 22:11

I woke up in the kitchen one too. Although, I had a half empty box of cookies in my lap. I still don't know how I got there.

By interesting33 | 36

#7663257 - Wednesday 18 July 2018 23:30

maybe see a doctor to see if it means anything or for advice on how to stop it

By Davros | 12

#7663272 - Thursday 19 July 2018 0:03

.....when your a prankster who sleepwalks and has no friends.

By Davros | 12

#7663274 - Thursday 19 July 2018 0:04

Good thing your not a sleepwalking murderer.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7663285 - Thursday 19 July 2018 0:27

As you psychiatrist might say after you tell this story: Icy.

Maybe you shouldn’t watch “Frozen” so close to bedtime?

Glowworm56 | 25

#7663306 - Thursday 19 July 2018 1:41

Just let it go, RichardPencil.

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7663625 - Thursday 19 July 2018 17:36

Those jokes sent a shiver down my spine.

PhoenixChick | 26

#7664107 - Friday 20 July 2018 15:55

Chill, dude

By wanted_2_want | 40

#7663361 - Thursday 19 July 2018 5:52

In the upside, you may want to take some cooking classes so next time you sleepwalk into the kitchen you’ll have a delicious breakfast in the morning.

Win-win.

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7663467 - Thursday 19 July 2018 10:26

Talk to a doctor about it?

Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7663468 - Thursday 19 July 2018 10:27

And more importantly: you have to nominate two people

By zuckerburg | 21

#7663548 - Thursday 19 July 2018 13:02

Stop taking ambien. You don't want to start tweeting racist crap