Today, while eating s'mores with my boyfriend's family, I misplaced... - FML

By Anonymous - 3/9/2017 20:00

Today, while eating s'mores with my boyfriend's family, I misplaced my false tooth. With a team of flashlights and hurt pride, my expensive tooth was found. In dog shit. FML

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Proactive

Long story short

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Mandy - 26/3/2012 22:21 - United States

Today, I learned why the phrase "seafood taco salad" terrifies everyone in the school's cafeteria. What happened to me after eating it made Saw III look like a Disney movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2012 02:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2012 20:08 - United States - Hobart

Today, while mowing the lawn, I was attacked by an underground hornet nest. I now have many stings, two scared dogs, and a mower still running outside. The hornets are swarming it and some are sitting on the lever, as if to turn it off. It's like they know. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2016 03:50 - United States - Fishers

Today, eight tornados hit the town where I live. The only person who tried to get a hold of me and see if I was OK was my World of Warcraft guild leader after I didn't show up to raid. FML

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By banana_tree - 21/4/2014 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I joked to a client that every time I see his name, I start singing the song 'Dr Jones' by Aqua. He looked blankly at me, so I broke into song, 'Dr Jones, Dr Jones, calling Dr Jones... ' He still looked blankly, but now also utterly horrified, as were the rest of the waiting room. FML

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By AnHoneyMouse - 12/5/2017 02:00

Today, while I was cooking, my dogs were messing around behind me. I suddenly felt a painful bite on my ass cheek and instinctively kicked back. I then realized it was my 3-year-old daughter, who was laying on the floor crying with a nose bleed. FML

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By fitzy79 - 31/1/2014 20:04 - United States

Today, I had to wake up at 4am because my boss set an important business meeting for first thing in the morning. After making sure everything was ready, I went to work. My boss ended up oversleeping and moved the meeting to tomorrow. FML

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By girl on fire - 3/9/2015 00:32

Today, my idiot kid brother set my shirt on fire with a magnifying glass while I was taking a nap outside. FML

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By purpleskylight - 27/6/2012 05:29 - United States - Lexington

Today, I tried for 45 minutes to convince my psychiatrist to take me off my antidepressant. When he finally agreed to do so, I broke down into tears and sobbed uncontrollably for 10 minutes. Hello, increased prescription. FML

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By slitherasssnape - 13/9/2016 18:53 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, in science class, I was bored and playing with a paper towel, dipping it into a container of water. When my teacher caught me and asked what I was doing, I panicked and said I was 'drying the water'. FML

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By Slowsky - 9/5/2012 10:19 - United States - Claremont

Today, I was at the gym on the elliptical. Feeling proud of myself for finishing a very intense workout, I looked to my left to see that the maintenance guy fixing the machine next to me had burned more calories testing the machine than I did during my entire workout. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2011 21:17 - United States

Today, I was out shopping when an old lady bumped into me and dropped her purse. Trying to help, I bent over to pick it up, at which point she battered the shit out of me, called me a "filthy thief" and threatened to open an umbrella in my ass. What the fuck has the world come to? FML

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By Tequila - 20/6/2011 16:12 - Netherlands

Today, my bike abruptly stopped working, torpedoing me headfirst into the sidewalk. I lay there in agony for a few minutes, and the only guy who saw it happen said, "Lucky you didn't get hurt!" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2013 17:11 - United States - Romulus

Today, I realized my online dating profile has gotten more views with no picture than it has with my picture. FML

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By ellarose - 10/4/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, I walked over to join a group of friends and heard them talking about how hot some guy was but how ugly his sister was. I asked who they were talking about and there was an awkward silence, they hadn't realized I was there. Apparently, they were talking about my brother. FML

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By damnit - 25/8/2009 06:44 - Australia

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off and learned that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2010 12:56 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my boyfriend in Key West. I had gotten a bikini wax and new swimsuit for the occasion. My boyfriend was being romantic until he pulled a long hair from a mole on my leg. It's all fun and games until the mole starts bleeding, profusely. FML

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By flipflap - 14/6/2015 06:35

Today, I tried to get a piece of glass out of my big toe. After an hour of poking and prodding, I finally got it out only for it to fall on the floor where I couldn't find it. Not five minutes later, I stepped on it again. FML

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By Teddy - 26/11/2012 20:54 - United States - Gardner

Today, I ran into my sister, who nobody in the family has seen in six years. She looked very happy working the pole. FML

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By James4929 - 8/1/2010 00:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a long-haul plane journey home from my holiday. After 5 hours, I decided to stretch my arms whilst watching a movie. Little did I know that a little girl was approaching, running down the aisle as my arm stretched out. I accidentally clothes-lined a little 9 year old girl. FML

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By ExFutureGrandsonInLaw - 10/6/2018 19:00

Sorry?

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend's grandparents at church. After 5 minutes of catching up, my ex's frail grandmother asked me when I'm planning on "joining the family". I had to explain to them that their granddaughter had dumped me exactly 2 years before. She cried. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2016 14:09 - United States - Concord

Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML

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By soooyeah - 30/4/2009 12:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN", flips me over, grabs his clothes, and runs out of my room. FML

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By ThePidgeon - 19/10/2009 18:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I was ordering food at McDonalds when a condom fell out and onto the counter. The server looked at me funny before my friend turned around and said, "It's okay, he's never going to use it." FML

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By Kyle - 3/12/2013 06:09 - United States - Seattle

Today, I set up a motion-activated sprinkler to drench the neighborhood kids who have been ding dong ditching me for years. Because they cannot get close enough to ring the doorbell, they decided to start egging me instead. FML

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By fuck my arse - 8/8/2013 22:15 - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my husband and I were fooling around, and things got heated. In the heat of things, I told him to tear my panties off. He took it literally and yanked at them with all his might. It's been two hours and I still can't walk straight. FML

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By missy - 16/6/2011 02:42 - United States

Today, I missed my flight because I was held in airport security because I'd "threatened" an employee. He had confiscated my eyelash curler and jokingly I asked if he thought I was going to curl him to death. He didn't laugh. FML

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By Ooops - 12/9/2019 22:02 - Canada

Baked

Today, I kept smelling the pleasant odor of baking bread while driving around. Tonight, I realized that the smell of yeast was actually coming from a cup of moldy smoothie that got missed and left in a cup holder in the back of my car. FML

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By psh_idontbite - 13/3/2015 03:55 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog around my neighborhood, when I saw this really cute boy. My dog then saw a squirrel and dragged me through mud. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 05:00

Stained

Today, I found out that my wife's dog had peed on my side of the bed, while I was sleeping. I thought I had just drooled in my sleep, until I noticed it had turned yellow during the day. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2016 13:00 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I was so tired, I passed out at work in the middle of a call. All because my neighbor's car alarm kept going off every 3 minutes all through the morning. It was still going when I left for work. If you see a news story in a few days about a whole neighborhood beating a guy to death, that's probably us. FML

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By senelbeat - 3/7/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mother about my sex life, telling her "if I want to have sex I'm going to have sex." She looked at me for a moment and said, "You're staying a virgin until you marry". She wasn't ordering me, she was informing me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 15:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I got fined when my fat dog decided to walk across a private film set to get at the catering area. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2009 03:16 - Canada

Today, for my two month anniversary, my boyfriend surprised me with a "present". He then lifted his pant leg. He had carved my initials into his leg with a knife. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2019 06:00

Today, I had to get my picture taken for a volunteer badge at the hospital. My sister came home and told my parents that she had a horrible day at work. They showed her my picture to cheer her up. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2012 11:30 - Australia

Today, I drove into a cluster of dustbins thanks to my dozy cat who'd managed to get into my car, fall asleep, and wake up while I was driving to work. I lost control when I was startled by him staring at me in the rear-view mirror. FML

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By troublewithbleach - 6/4/2011 01:52 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my bathroom, and accidentally spilled bleach, ruining my shower curtain, rugs, and towels. While attempting to wipe up the bleach, I knocked over a bottle of shower cleaner. It read, "WARNING: DO NOT MIX WITH BLEACH." I still can't go in the house. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann - 19/8/2018 03:30

Today, I came home to find my boyfriend playing with himself. He got mad and said I "killed the mood". How? By coming home. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2012 13:31 - United States - Newberry

Today, I was talking to my husband about how I wanted our marriage to improve and not just be sex all the time. In the middle of my sentence, he asked for a blow job. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2013 23:03 - Belgium - Schepdaal

Today, I went to a club with my girlfriend and her buddies. An hour in, I saw her making out with a guy on the dance floor, so I confronted her. She stormed off to the bar and said something to her friend, who then came over and angrily slapped me across the face. Yeah, I'm confused too. FML

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Top comments

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7537129 - Sunday 3 September 2017 21:40

I don't think using dog s__the as an adhesive is very effective.

By Regulate | 21

#7537103 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:02

This isn't a long story but I'm still finding it rather difficult to process it. So many questions.

COMMENTS

By BeautifulMine | 16

#7533560 - Friday 25 August 2017 0:05

I really hope "I'm" wasn't an auto correct

By interesting33 | 36

#7533576 - Friday 25 August 2017 0:38

do you mean in? because you are not dog shit. it happens

By Regulate | 21

#7537103 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:02

This isn't a long story but I'm still finding it rather difficult to process it. So many questions.

By azouwa | 26

#7537104 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:03

Ah man. Sorry to hear. That's terrible. You're life sucks.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7537115 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:37

Why bother with a single false tooth when gap-toothed girls are sexy af? Even Chaucer noticed that a thousand years ago!

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7537129 - Sunday 3 September 2017 21:40

I don't think using dog s__the as an adhesive is very effective.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7537225 - Monday 4 September 2017 6:22

Should of paid a few extra bucks for the gold one. You wouldn't misplace it if it was gold.

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7537240 - Monday 4 September 2017 8:18

Sometimes things that are lost should probably remain lost.

By Lisa Alexandria | 10

#7542316 - Monday 18 September 2017 4:53

Man that really sucks, I'm so sorry!