You mean your ex-wife is going to be a mother. Even if she didn't do it the old-fashioned way, she still went behind your back.

I’m pretty sure she will blame it on the semen on the toilet seat at the mall

Yeah your “wife”
Gg no re

Hmm...I don’t think it’s yours.

Hopefully she meant you're adding a pet to the family. Which is still something that should be discussed beforehand in a healthy relationship.

I think your “wife” has some explaining to do.

care to explain why "you" put wife in quotation marks?

Because when your “wife” is having a baby without you, she immediately becomes your “futur ex-wife”.

Of course there are some explanations and discussions, etc. But that’s still very likely

Since she obviously isn't saying you got her pregnant, clearly there's more to this story, as I doubt she'd so openly admit to having an affair and then say you're also one of the parents.

So either she adopted a kitten, or something else similar.

LUCY, you got some splaining to do

The things that can be done with a Turkey baster these days

I guess your the one with the strap-on?

I don't know about your strap-on, but ours sure doesn't shoot fertile seen!