Miscellaneous: Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew! - FML

Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew!

By Anonymous - 15/08/2017 11:30 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was writing an essay while sleep-deprived. In between actually writing, I started typing my thoughts. It was only after I’d submitted the essay that I realized that I hadn’t deleted the random words. My teacher can see my early-morning rambling about potatoes. I have no way to delete it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 344

You deserved it 1 513

Late term

Promises, promises

Droning on

By nice one - 30/08/2012 15:24

Today, I finally confronted my boyfriend and asked him if he was cheating on me. He got flustered and said, "Technically, I'm cheating with you, not on you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 954

You deserved it 2 979

By drugged_on_arrival - 10/09/2009 10:55 - Virgin Islands British

Today, I woke up at my crazy ex-girlfriend's house, naked and disoriented. You know, the kind of crazy like we-didn't-break-up-it-was-just-a-fight-now-we-can-get-married crazy. She says everything's fine now and she's so glad we've "started our family." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 109

You deserved it 16 766

By Watchtower? More like fortress. - 19/10/2012 21:39 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my dad saw on TV that in some parts of Africa, it's not uncommon for people to attach make-shift flamethrowers to their cars to defend against carjackers. He's now lost his mind and is forcing me to help him put one together to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 711

You deserved it 2 489

By PartyPooped - 11/09/2017 13:00

Today, at my school, we finally had the party we worked on for the past week. I was tasked to make decorations and props for a photo booth. I made sure everything was perfect, and I even stayed up until 1 am working on the props. Not a single person used it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 794

You deserved it 312

By Rusty - 12/12/2015 00:49 - United States

Today, I did slightly below average on my programming project. Aside from it being unnecessarily difficult, I also couldn't focus on it due to problems at home. After I confided in my colleague about it, I heard him mutter, "I knew women are crappy programmers". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 091

You deserved it 2 742

By Anonymous - 08/11/2014 20:36 - United States - Deland

Today, I tried to blackmail my dad by threatening to tell mom about the bong and weed he keeps hidden in the garage. Turns out she already knew about it and neither of them give a shit. Now I'm grounded until the new year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 960

You deserved it 38 596

Really close

By Anonymous - 15/06/2020 20:08

Today, my sister made her engagement official on Facebook. When I shared the post to spread the word, people didn't read her boyfriend's name, and I started getting questions on why my sister and I were getting married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 351

You deserved it 270

By Doritos - 17/06/2010 08:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, my room-mate came out of the bathroom, tossed a Playboy on the coffee table, threw away a used condom, dug his hand into my bag of Doritos, and washed his hands. In that order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 357

You deserved it 4 709

By cat-astrophic - 25/02/2015 15:44 - United Kingdom

Today, after 3 years of studying to be a veterinarian, I found out I may not be able to continue. It's not because I'm failing my classes, but because my body has developed an allergy to cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 015

You deserved it 2 828

By Anonymous - 10/02/2012 21:07 - Belgium

Today, my mother used global warming as an excuse for not remembering my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 082

You deserved it 2 732

Facebook's cesspit

By Anonymous - 23/08/2013 22:52 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I mentioned on Facebook that I'll be out of town over the weekend, because I am attending my grandmother's funeral. I soon got comments saying "Pics or it didn't happen" and "Killed her for the inheritance, eh?" followed by a solitary "LOLLL". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 795

You deserved it 5 610

By Whybother - 20/09/2016 08:13 - United States - Hilo

Today, I'm jobless and picked up transcription work online. I typed furiously all day. I have made a grand total of $2.06. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 554

You deserved it 1 352

By Anonymous - 19/02/2013 06:19 - United States - New Castle

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I really like. I lifted my arms to put my hair in a ponytail when he noticed a hole that had apparently tore in the armpit of my shirt, so he put his finger through it. I haven't shaved in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 155

You deserved it 55 477

By taylor124 - 22/08/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I listened to a voice mail from my mom about how she misses me and cant wait to see me when I get back from vacation. Thinking she hung up, my mother then had a conversation with my aunt about how quiet the house is without me and how she'd be blessed if I didn't come home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 980

You deserved it 2 861

How the turntables turn

By PoorAndBroke - 12/09/2021 14:01

Today, I went to see a house for rent. The owner ended up being a person whom I denied renting to a long time ago, because I thought she was sketchy looking. Apparently she’s the CEO of a company now. She definitely recognized me and kicked me off the premises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 306

You deserved it 1 225

By ... - 18/11/2008 04:42 - France

Today, I was on a train, sitting next to an old man who was reading a newspaper. Suddenly, he sneezed without putting his hands over his nose. Instead of turning towards the window, he turned towards me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 464

You deserved it 2 223

By humanchewtoy - 07/07/2018 20:30

Today, I was lying in bed recovering from a laparoscopy with my dog laying next to me. I fell asleep and later awoke to a burning pain on my incisions. My dog had decided the stitches would be fun to chew on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 869

You deserved it 465

By Anonymous - 11/03/2016 22:09 - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Spicy

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 826

You deserved it 20 583

By heatherfeather22 - 31/07/2014 03:28 - United States - Ottumwa

Today, I got into trouble at work because a customer complained about my face tattoo, I don't have a face tattoo but I do have one behind my ear. Nonetheless, I still got written up and had to cover it with a band-aid, which ripped out hair when I took it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 173

You deserved it 11 173

By omfgitburns - 06/01/2011 14:54

Today, I had a plaster cast removed from my arm. After telling the nurse it felt like the saw was cutting my skin, she tells me there is no way that it could touch my skin and that I was being paranoid. She cracked open the cast. Burns, blisters and bleeding skin were revealed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 392

You deserved it 2 852

By Anonymous - 23/05/2015 07:03 - United States - Tampa

Today, my dad came to my 8-year-old daughter's birthday party wearing a shirt that said "Small penis, huge dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 034

You deserved it 2 516

By Tea_baggins - 06/08/2013 04:01 - Australia - Rozelle

Today, I woke up at 6am and went into the kitchen, where I saw a mouse in front of the fridge. Petrified, I stood in the doorway shooing it for a few minutes. My husband then walked into the kitchen, picked up the "mouse", and threw it in the bin. It was a used tea bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 263

You deserved it 19 700

By Noname - 15/03/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party for my friend's daughter. I picked up a gift for the girl and another for her parents. I got the mother a cute little garden stone that read "What our children see in the world depends on what we show them." Later, I found out her daughter is blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 469

You deserved it 17 188

By chumman - 06/05/2014 13:55 - United States - New York

Spicy

Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 029

You deserved it 20 863

By Anonymous - 17/02/2012 08:01 - United States

Today, I was in a grocery store with my great-grandmother. It would've been nice to know she hadn't taken her medication before she started beating the cashier with her umbrella. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 402

You deserved it 2 261

By Yoda - 08/07/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 892

You deserved it 4 884

Jeopardy

By Anonymous - 07/10/2021 08:00 - United States - West Lafayette

Today, I took an embarrassing picture of myself in my work uniform, acting goofy and such, to send to my friends but I accidentally sent it to my manager. It was a very jeopardizing pose. I’m supposed to start tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 208

You deserved it 1 179

By anonymous - 06/03/2019 14:00

Today, after almost a year of having threesomes with my “best friend” and her husband, they both confessed that neither of them actually even like me. They just went along with it because they thought it’s what the other wanted. Now they won’t even talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 454

You deserved it 776

By Morgan - 03/02/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, my friend's son asked me how much coke costs in this place. I told him, "About a dollar?" He said, "Wow, that's really cheap for blow." He's 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 407

You deserved it 3 041

By Anonymous - 12/03/2010 12:01 - United States

Today, my dog managed to get into our cabinet and eat an entire bag of hershey kisses. Now she is puking all over the house and outside too. When I called the vet to tell her about it, she said that it was normal, and to call her back when it was "coming out the other end." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 383

You deserved it 3 847

By CantBlink - 16/07/2012 18:25 - United States - Jersey City

Today, I woke up with a pimple on my eyelid. Not only is it impossible to cover up with makeup, I can't pop it either. Now I'll be spending the rest of the day trying not to blink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 616

You deserved it 2 694

By Anonymous - 25/02/2013 19:26 - United States - Grandville

Today, I heard from my dad for the first time in over six months. It was through Facebook, in a message blaming my brothers and me for his horrible life, and in which he spelled my name wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 411

You deserved it 2 489

By GlassJAwkidE - 29/10/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I learned there is a taste difference between grabbing a glass of milk that has been sitting on your night table for a week and the one you put on there 3 minutes before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 020

You deserved it 64 164

By With_Love929 - 29/10/2012 21:45 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my family and I are sitting in our house while Hurricane Sandy is going on. My grandma is freaking out because she believes it's our recently deceased dog Sandy getting revenge for putting her to sleep and getting a new dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 450

You deserved it 2 768

By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 14:37 - United States

Today, I went to a big family dinner. I didn't realize I hadn't been invited until we were about to sit down to eat. There were 12 chairs, 12 plates, 12 forks, and 12 glasses. I was the 13th person to arrive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 734

You deserved it 2 655

By Anonymous - 20/09/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, after years of telling my boyfriend I don't do anal, I agreed to try it once just to get him to stop whining about it. He was so gung-ho that he tried to force it in without doing enough "relaxing preparation" and he split the muscle around my ring. Now I need surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 951

You deserved it 872

By skyllabeauty1234 - 23/07/2015 03:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I am probably the only person in the world who can manage to pull a muscle in their neck while brushing their teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 169

You deserved it 2 702

By Anonymous - 08/10/2012 05:31 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I was cooking something I knew would make a lot of smoke, so I asked my teenage daughter to tape a bag over the smoke detector. She said she did, so I cooked; the alarm went off and firemen came. She hadn't taped over the smoke detector, she'd taped it over the doorbell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 350

You deserved it 4 803

By Highnapple - 04/03/2015 07:55 - Canada - Sarnia

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was pleasuring me with his hands. After two years of being together, he was finally about to make me orgasm for the first time by himself. Just as I was reaching my peak, he orgasmed at the thought of finishing me off and stopped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 844

You deserved it 4 488

Alexa, play "Isolation" by Joy Division

By Anonymous - 06/11/2020 22:56 - United States - Ashburn

Today, I jokingly said to my coworker, "God, what I wouldn't do for a week off work." I was then tested positive for COVID fifteen minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 425

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 1:50

To be honest, the potato rambling sounds more interesting than whatever topic you originally had to write about.

jfsiv 17

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 2:42

Luckily it was just potatoes. I can only imagine what half the commenters here would have been mumbling about.

Comments

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 August 2017 1:50

To be honest, the potato rambling sounds more interesting than whatever topic you originally had to write about.

jfsiv 17

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 2:42

Luckily it was just potatoes. I can only imagine what half the commenters here would have been mumbling about.

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 2:50

Knowing clearly that I have some really crazy dreams, I'm absolutely afraid to answer that question.

RichardPencil 30

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 2:57

I hope your teacher likes them French-fried pataters. Or vodka.

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 4:10

So correct the essay and explain what happened. You both will have a laugh and move on.

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 6:45

Out of all the things you could have rambled about, potatoes is far from the worst...

RichardPencil 30

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 9:30

I’m sure you’d get an A if you finally settled that whole po-tay-to/po-tah-to thing. Just “calling the whole thing off” is a cop-out that just lets the issue fester for future generations.

Taurus_ChicKa 36

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Sunday 20 August 2017 19:35

Now that's what I call a hot potato!

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76

You deserved it 13

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 091

You deserved it 144