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October 2013

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Today, I had an anxiety attack when I learned that my favorite book series is coming to the end. I had to leave the store and sit in my car. FML

by Anonymous / 10/23/2013 at 12:43am / Canada (Manitoba) / Health

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

by Anonymous / 10/27/2013 at 12:33pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Kids

Today, I realized I have erectile dysfunction while drunk, and premature ejaculation while sober. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2013 at 5:26pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, I was working behind the bar at a club. After serving drinks to a guy, he asked me if I could carry them outside to the two girls waiting for him. I scowled at him and told him I wasn't a waitress. That's when I realised he had one arm. FML

by bitch / 10/07/2013 at 3:37am / Australia / Work

Today, after 6 months of sex, my boyfriend showered himself with praise for managing, for the first time ever, to stretch the act out to a full minute. FML

by Sooz / 10/02/2013 at 9:18pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, I called my dad to let him know some details for my wedding had changed. It would have been really nice if he had paused the porno I could clearly hear in the background. FML

by hes / 10/15/2013 at 6:10am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my professor tried to scare the hiccups out of me. Some pee came out instead. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2013 at 6:39pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I replaced a usually fun collegue's picture of his kids with a picture of my face against glass, so it looked I was inside the screen. Everyone laughed, but he reported me because I tried to "erase his children" and "if anything happens to them" it's now my fault. FML

by Elcam / 10/16/2013 at 4:22am / Belgium / Work

Today, a radio show asked the question, "Where does the dentist live in Finding Nemo?" I called in and got through. When he asked me the question, instead of the actual answer I quickly gave out my own address over live radio. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2013 at 11:58am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried Ambien for the first time. I now have to apologize to most of my exes for excessively rambling emails about getting together for some naked Twister. FML

by OutOfMyMind / 10/21/2013 at 8:12pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, after almost 2 days, I finally fell asleep, during my husband's vows, on our wedding day, in front of 250 guests. FML

by angryinlaws / 10/12/2013 at 3:23am / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, my dog got out of the house. I was running after him and remembered the old "pretend you're hurt" trick. I got on the ground, and cried out as if I was hurt. My dog just kept running. FML

by WalnutGaming / 10/22/2013 at 3:20pm / United States (Maryland) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend sent me a nude picture. I would have been fine with it if he hadn't taken it in his ex-girlfriend's room. FML

by Anonymous / 10/19/2013 at 1:34am / United States (California) / Intimacy