The Top

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Usually a bad omen

By Karen - 21/05/2023 06:00

Today, my boyfriend finally moved in with me, after being long distance for months. Our apartment just became infested with mice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 731

You deserved it 105

Where did that come from?

By psychicmother - 09/09/2011 10:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving my drunk mother home when my phone rang. It was my boyfriend, so I asked her to answer the call. My mother then questioned him on our sex life and was especially interested to know if we'd used handcuffs because I "like them." I have no recollection of ever telling her this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 794

You deserved it 4 876

No means no

By thanks for the support - 25/05/2023 01:00 - United States

Today, my husband has been trying to get me to do something sexual that I’m absolutely 100% against. It’s gotten to the point where we fight and argue about it. I was talking to my sister when my mom overheard. She looked me in the eye and said, “What you won’t do, another woman will.” Thanks, ma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 079

You deserved it 603

Woodland mystery

By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 22:58 - Germany

Today, walking in the woods, I heard someone screaming like crazy. First I thought it might be a hurt animal, but then I heard syllables in the screams. When I yelled, “What’s going on there?!” there was only silence. It was so creepy, I’m too scared to walk my dogs there now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 895

You deserved it 180

By Anonymous - 28/09/2014 16:42 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I made up an ingenious plan to finally hook up with the guy I really like at a party. Well, the plan itself worked great. Too bad I got so drunk that I used it on the wrong person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 147

You deserved it 37 015

Sneaky

By Shamed - 06/09/2011 08:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the toilet at work. After a very loud and very smelly session, I waited until the other stall had been vacated to keep my anonymity. As I leant forward for some toilet roll, my ID fell out of my pocket and into the next stall. When I came out, it was face up near the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 642

You deserved it 4 970

By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 09:34 - United States

Today, I had a headache when I woke up for school. I had final exams that day, so I took what I thought were 2 advils. They were two sleeping pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 625

You deserved it 27 178

By GrahamCracker - 21/05/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was taking a final exam and I reached into my pocket to get out a pencil. I felt this thing in my pocket so I got it out and put it on the desk. At first I thought it was a leaf but then it started kicking and trying to run around. It was a cockroach. It had been living in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 683

You deserved it 8 945

This is wrong on so many levels

By Catfished - 04/11/2024 07:00 - Philippines - Makati City

Today, I was supposed to meet up with a girl I met on a dating app and had been chatting with. We exchanged the classic, "I'll be here and wearing this." At the location, a girl from a distance, wearing the described outfit, was checking me out. I immediately bailed out. Not only she is 9, she is also a student of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 500

You deserved it 127

By Anonymous - 29/06/2013 14:57 - United States

Today, I've come to the conclusion that my phone addiction is getting out of control after I typed my PIN code into the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 630

You deserved it 39 835

By bob - 01/09/2011 05:29 - United States

Today, my grandmother refused to wear clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 491

You deserved it 2 721

By wearashirt - 04/12/2009 07:55 - United States

Today, I had to take a test that's required to pass the class. The test administor told us that those of us who were wearing hoodies would have to take them off. I would have taken mine off, but I was only wearing a bra underneath. There's no other days I can reschedule the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 028

You deserved it 14 465

By the_lonely_life - 27/06/2013 01:02 - United States

Today, I cleaned up my brother's room, since he's moved out. Under the bed I found a Doritos bag full of used condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 209

You deserved it 7 056

By BadTime - 30/08/2011 09:35 - United States

Today, my wife tried to refill the windshield wiper fluid on her own. However, she poured it where the oil goes. Now the car is having major issues. Last week I lost my job, and I have no idea how much this is going to cost to fix. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 267

You deserved it 3 641

By happymum - 29/08/2011 11:17 - Netherlands

Today, my husband, who's a recovering alcoholic, and I are on holiday with our kids. He's decided he can have a few drinks because he deserves "a holiday too". He doesn't see why this should ruin ours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 654

You deserved it 3 176

happymum_fml tells us more.

happymum_fml 10

Monday 29 August 2011 17:00

He got my point in THE end. Took me a while though!

By anonymous - 06/11/2010 22:37 - Canada

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend in the dark, he grabbed onto a fat roll and asked, "Is this your stomach or boob?" I didn't have the heart to tell him it was a back roll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 267

You deserved it 26 853

By j.b. - 02/12/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband thinks its okay to have an online girlfriend and have naked pictures sent to his email because he's not "physically touching, making love, or kissing". The sad part is that the online girlfriend gets more action than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 626

You deserved it 4 917

How? What?

By Anonymous - 14/07/2012 14:43 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I managed to bruise my nipple by closing an umbrella on it. The stupidity of the whole thing hurts almost as much as the injury. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 675

You deserved it 5 196

Overreaction, but still…

By Anonymous - 18/06/2023 10:00

Today, and because our relationship is getting serious, I asked my boyfriend about his stance on having kids one day. He practically projectile vomited on the carpet, which is probably not a good sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 230

By nomfuck - 09/09/2014 15:53 - United States - Fremont

Today, I overcame my debilitating seasickness long enough to have a shower and take a breath of fresh air on the cruise ship balcony. Then as a reward, a passing seagull shat on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 586

You deserved it 3 205

If you can't handle me at my worst…

By Anonymous - 01/05/2022 00:01

Today, my date got a cold before our date and accidentally took medicine that makes you drowsy before we went out. Two glasses of red later to calm her nerves, she yelled at a waiter, threw her shoe at the chef, then passed out on the table. I’m going to marry this girl, just you watch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 878

You deserved it 329

I promise

By Numnum - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, it's decided, I'm going on diet. For real. But I said that yesterday. And the day before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 871

You deserved it 57 997

By Marty - 24/08/2011 17:14 - United States

Today, I've gotten the most calls of my life. Turns out the idiot who changed the sign on my local Pizza Hut put up the wrong phone number. My phone number. I've already received 16 calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 591

You deserved it 2 608

Paradise Lost

By IndieRox - 28/11/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, I am lying next to my new husband. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and planned on spending the entire time in bed together. We succeeded in that goal, with both of us unable to leave each other's side for entire week. Sex? No. Food poisoning? Yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 567

You deserved it 3 312

By Anonymous - 08/07/2012 11:26 - Australia

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend sneeze in his hands, and then lick it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 128

You deserved it 3 502

Meddling

By monsterinlaw - 23/08/2011 14:51 - United States

Today, my obnoxious mother-in-law berated me in front of my husband's family for still working while pregnant. She says I'm harming the baby by not quitting. I'm only four months pregnant and I work as a nurse at a hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 276

You deserved it 2 640

By Loser - 12/05/2009 22:05 - United States

Today, I learned that I have carpal tunnel syndrome. I got it from playing too much World of Warcraft. I got a disease in real life by living in a virtual world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 162

You deserved it 151 602

Get me out of here

By leahkasscar - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I'm stuck in a car with my sister, who is currently having a screaming match with her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 536

You deserved it 208

By Anonymous - 18/06/2013 10:44 - United States

Today, I went to the gynecologist. In the waiting room they had decorative words that spelled out "Relax" and "Enjoy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 081

You deserved it 4 083

Get on with it!

By Anonymous - 05/05/2022 02:00

Today, for our third date, we watched a romantic movie at my house. The sex scene got me all hot and bothered, so I started holding his hand, massaging his thigh, and even fondling his dick, but when I turned to pounce on him right then and there, the bastard was asleep from boredom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 189

You deserved it 466

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The Top

Today, I went out for drinks for the first since I stopped breastfeeding. I underestimated how low my tolerance had become and how strong the drinks were. My husband was stopped by two bouncers while trying to carry me to the car. They thought he'd drugged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 019

You deserved it 269

Today, my roommate of seven weeks decided to kick me out. He blames me for the stains on his expensive white leather couch, even after a prof cleaner determined it was red wine. I don't drink red wine. He does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 768

You deserved it 2 149

Today, I was trying to put some new curtains up. I couldn't make sense of the instructions, so I decided to wing it. I spent a frustrating half hour fighting with it, and just seconds after I succeeded, the curtain rod gave way and slammed straight onto my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 963

You deserved it 18 515

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by canceling our relationship status on Facebook. I commented in disbelief, only for my dad to reply, "#rekt", then, "But seriously, about time. She's gonna give your balls back, right?" Thanks for the support. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 989

You deserved it 3 985

Today, I came outside to leave for work. To my shock and horror my car was gone. My asshole neighbor, who has parked in my spot multiple times decided to let her noisy guests park in my parking spot, so I parked in hers. She had my car towed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 053

You deserved it 415

Today, I met my boyfriend's sophisticated grandparents. I politely introduced myself. The first words to come out of his granny's mouth were, "If something happens to him, you won't get a f*cking cent of the insurance money, you hear?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 718

You deserved it 3 154