Today, I went to the pool. When I hit the water the top of my...

By Higgs - United States

Today, I went to the pool. When I hit the water the top of my swimsuit came off so I tried to put it on underwater. The lifeguard thought I was drowning and pulled me out in front of everyone. Topless. FML

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Miscellaneous

Social distancing done right

Misheard

Some winners…

By Entheatus - Canada

Today, I polished off the delicious iced gingerbread cookies in the pantry. I'd assumed the little flecks on them were speckles of broken icing, but as I went to throw the cookie bag away, a larva crawled out. The hundreds of flecks were moth eggs. I've been eating the cookies for three days. FML

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By Mudge - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend said that his dad told him we couldn't hang out anymore, he thinks I'm a bad influence because I don't have all 90's in my classes. The only reason he knows I have below a 90 is because he's my geography teacher. I have an 87. FML

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By lucasbeck99 - United States - Mabank

Today, I got in an argument with an ex-girlfriend who kept tactlessly bragging to me about her new boyfriend. I told her to read what she'd sent me, then pretend her boyfriend was telling her that. Fifteen minutes later, her boyfriend calls me, yelling for making her feel sad. FML

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33204

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Love Hurts

Today, I learned that one of my friends is in love with me. How did I find out? A punch to the face from the boy she's supposed to be in a relationship with, for "coaxing her away" from him. FML

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3715

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By anonymouschicka - United States

Today, I finished doing a resume that I had spent three hours on. I e-mailed it to the business I was applying for, satisfied. I decided to look it over. The first thing I notice, I spelt my own name wrong. FML

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11197

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my brother "borrowed" my car and keys without asking me. He came back 4 hours later, alone and pale faced. It took half an hour of questions, interrogation, and finally threats before he admitted that my car is sitting in a ditch a few miles away, probably totaled. FML

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By Jules - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said I look too ugly when I cry to do it seriously in person. FML

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By Klamp18 - United States

Today, I decided to attach fifteen-pound weights to each foot so I could burn some extra calories while shoveling snow. My dad asked me to move one of the cars in the driveway. When I put my foot on the gas pedal, I couldn't take it off. I ended up hitting my sister and knocking her into a snow bank. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Aigremont

Today, I watched the Sochi Winter Games online. Excited by an athlete's victory, I yelled out, "YEAH!" to 20-or-so silent coworkers. As if to redeem myself, I then said, "Don't pretend like you're all working you lot!" Our boss was right behind me. FML

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By Galaxy-eyes photon human - 4/6/2020 02:00

Misery

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me. The worst part is I’m currently stuck in his house and can’t even deal with a fight right now. Why? Because I just had surgery this morning. FML

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1749

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By eMmA01 - United States

Today, I was walking into class when the guy i like walked in and said "Gross it smells like grandma in here. What, did someone bathe in their perfume today?" I was the only girl in the room and I just bought new perfume. I thought I smelled good, apparently I didn't. FML

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46299

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boss wrote me up for saying "pissed" in front of a client. This is the same boss who nearly pissed himself laughing when a client made an extremely off-color Holocaust joke a few weeks ago, in front of half the department. FML

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14131

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By JillianJuneBug

Today, the bad haircut I received recently no longer makes me look like Dora the Explorer. Instead, I now look comparable to He-Man. FML

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2830

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By Lonely Gay - United States

Today, a first date with a guy went so badly that he actually paid me to never call him again. FML

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32400

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By Jon - United States

Today, my ex fiancée, who left me six months ago, asked if I'd mind if she used the wedding dress I bought her for our wedding. She's just gotten engaged again. FML

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42109

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By babbling idiot - Canada

Today, I approached a hot female security guard and attempted to compliment her new tattoos. Instead of saying, "Nice tats", I ended up saying, "Nice tits". My HR meeting is tomorrow morning. FML

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24380

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By Anonymous - United States - Crestview

Today, we were running a special at work that I had previously been told was an online-only special. After the general manager corrected me, I used the joke excuse of, "It's my first day". The customer replied, "I can tell". I've worked there two years and I'm the assistant manager. FML

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18289

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By michellekel - France

Today, I went to the beach on the cote d'azur and the lifeguard told me that even though there were two jellyfish in the bay, it was safe to swim. Five minutes into swimming, I got stung twice. FML

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40508

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By mikuxxhatsune - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was the organist for a wedding. I had practiced for weeks, rehearsed with the choir many times and spent hours stressing. During the wedding march, the electric organ malfunctioned, adding on layers of random notes I didn't play. Guess who got yelled at afterwards. FML

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3449

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By Username - United States

Today, I walked out of my house wearing only boxers, only to be greeted by kids with paintball guns. FML

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26901

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By Anonymous - United States - Novi

Today, after being married for 20 years, I found out that my wife has accounts on multiple dating sites, "just in case." FML

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44878

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By OnlyMee - United States

Today, at my ex's wedding, I had to listen to his joyful recounting of how he met his bride and how they fell instantly in love and he knew she was perfect for him. All this happened while we were still dating. FML

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39779

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By mizzleshizzle - Canada

Today, I dropped my physics class because I thought I bombed the 50% second midterm test. I got my results an hour after dropping online. I finished with an 83. I can't get back into the course. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Markham

Today, my brother finally paid me the $60 he owed me. I later found out that he'd stolen those $60 from my wallet. FML

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48995

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By love you too honey boo - 13/1/2020 05:00

Dirty room

Today, I sent a scantily clad pic to my boyfriend, to which he responded "Nice, but please clean your room". FML

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905

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By E

Today, my office smells like a giant turnip green fart because of a sewage leak. FML

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9343

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was kicked in the crotch. The girl who did it thought I was her ex-boyfriend. I'm a girl. FML

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37271

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By MDoremis - United States - Honolulu

Today, I bought How To Train Your Dragon and the cashier started complaining how her kids keep demanding dragon stuff and that mine will start after they see the movie. I don't have any kids, and I didn't have the courage to tell her I was buying it for myself. FML

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29984

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By Ben - 12/11/2020 19:06 - United Kingdom

You learn something new every day

Today, I woke up with a boner and found out that I have retrograde ejaculation. I'm stuck in jail and cant get medication to fix this. FML

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428

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By poop - Canada - Toronto

Today, I discovered my cat is bathroom shy when I accidentally walked in on him relieving himself. He jumped about 3 feet in the air and bolted out, launching feces and pee all over the bathroom, hallway, and my shoes. FML

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20929

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, as always, I'd be so incredibly happy if my girlfriend loved me even half as much as she loves her cat. FML

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12047

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 14:00

Sharing is caring

Today, nine months after changing my entire life when my father had a stroke and I became his carer full time, I called my sister to talk about some his irrational behavior. All I got in response was, "I just watched a sad movie, I can't deal with this right now." FML

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By Badchristian - United States - Pasadena

Slipped

Today, I went to my Christian accountability partner from church to talk about continuing to maintain Christian values. We had sex. Oh, the irony. FML

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By unlovedandunfucked - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I woke up from a wet dream. My girlfriend quickly figured it out and bitched me out for having one when she was "right there" for me to ask for sex. Logic failure aside, the last time I flirted with her, she called me a sex-obsessed pig and didn't talk to me for three days. FML

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42499

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By Anonymous

Today, I was in the kitchen with my mother putting up the dishes. I went to stand up from putting a pot in a lower cabinet and hit my head on the upper cabinet she left open by accident. Hello concussion number nine. FML

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5669

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By Confused - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was yelled at for smoking at a bus stop, because a woman didn't appreciate me smoking by her children. She did this while waving her own lit cigarette in my face. FML

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37007

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By machina

Today, I approached my mother for comfort, because I've been feeling depressed and unloved by anyone lately. She replied, “Honestly, I stopped loving you back when you were a toddler.” FML

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2110

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By sig

Today, I found out that I'm not welcome at my boyfriend's dad funeral, because his ex-wife has invited herself, and it would be too awkward to explain to his extended family, most of whom apparently don't yet know that he's divorced. FML

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10287

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By climbing the walls - 30/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Today, it’s been nearly six months since our state has been on lockdown. My boyfriend the introvert has never been happier. Meanwhile, I, the extrovert, have been bored to literal tears from the lack of human interactions and travel. There’s only so much Netflix and reading I can do. FML

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899

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By unlucky - United Kingdom

Today, was my birthday. I asked for a camera - nothing fancy, just a basic digital camera. My mother bought my brother a fancy digital camera, with all the accessories, for over £200. She then gave me his old, analogue camera, that I can't get film for anymore. He hates taking photos. FML

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Top comments

By WhiteDelight | 4

#257136 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 2:03

i suppose boobs dont make good personal floating devices

By tennisgirl022 | 0

#257124 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 2:02

ahahahahahaha. stupid lifeguard. but maybe he was hot.....

COMMENTS

By MeanCommenter88 | 0

#257120 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 2:01

first

michael32123 | 0

#1127391 - Friday 23 July 2010 8:41

I like the lifeguard's idea.

El_patron | 0

#1698206 - Sunday 14 November 2010 6:50

that's a lie lol. great excuse to try to grab them lol

By tennisgirl022 | 0

#257124 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 2:02

ahahahahahaha. stupid lifeguard. but maybe he was hot.....

Shaolin_za | 8

#6637620 - Monday 27 June 2016 12:42

#2 is the most dumb founded comment on here, how can a lifeguard be stupid for doing he's job ? regardless of whether he was hot or not. Dumbass

By SasuNaru_fml | 0

#257130 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 2:02

LOL Bummer, sorry about that. D:

By WhiteDelight | 4

#257136 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 2:03

i suppose boobs dont make good personal floating devices

xXxSophiexXx | 8

#2346962 - Thursday 14 April 2011 4:56

lol agreed... they really don't

bsshooter | 14

#6699573 - Thursday 6 October 2016 4:26

maybe yours aren't big enough???
jk

By IrishHero12 | 0

#257137 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 2:03

That's great. Let's hope it wasn't a busy day! :)

By dwhit33 | 0

#257140 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 2:03

giggity

gekkman34 | 0

#974791 - Tuesday 6 April 2010 0:05

Family Guy Reference FTW

Soare | 0

#1094367 - Thursday 15 July 2010 18:26

STFU #403 :)

By anonymous0927 | 0

#257149 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 2:03

this was in seventeen. guess it could happen twice...the exact same way...

SeaMen | 3

#2421658 - Thursday 28 April 2011 5:28

it's more common than u think...except the whole lifeguard part

By secretsxsecrets | 0

#257157 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 2:04

did he proceed to preform CPR on you?

By Glam_fml | 0

#257160 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 2:04

Hopefully you have nice boobs. If not, FYL.

#7, a top falling off in the water is a pretty common occurance.. It is possible to happen twice. FYL for being an idiot.

By xItsEssax | 0

#257166 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 2:05

Hahaha wow.