When a coworker tries to help

Today, my grandmother told me she would pay for me to get a nose job. I never thought there was a problem with my nose. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Car Wars

Sounds like a catch

By Rawr - Switzerland

33541

2873

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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19187

Today, during work hours, I took time off and discreetly went for an interview for a prospective job at our rival company. As soon as I reached the place, I bumped into my current boss. FML

By eaglesmile - India - Mumbai

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8580

Today, I received 46 emails from co-workers who were using reply-all to tell everyone else not to use reply-all. FML

By farf

26173

2024

Today, I was walking to work, when I slipped and landed on my tail bone. Worse still, my hot coffee went flying into my face. I currently can't see out of my left eye. FML

By corleon198425 - United States

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2363

Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush, we ended up going out to dinner. We shared a meal, and it was delicious! This would have been the ultimate dream come true... Except for the part about me throwing up in his car on the way back home. FML

By manderz? - United States - Beach Haven

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1095

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to skip school with him. His mom came home early. I had to hide in his closet and wait 6 hours for her to go to her book club meeting. FML

By madgf - France

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38325

Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML

By Anna - United States - Lake City

19192

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1820

Today, I had the Monday meeting that I have had every week for 8 months. We had new people joining today. One of my bosses went around the room introducing people, and he forgot my name. I've been sitting across from him with a nametag for 8 months. FML

By Anonymous - United States

46032

4027

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend in the hallway of our school, and once we got to his class, I leaned in for a kiss. Surprising me, he leaned away, and I asked what was wrong. He told me he's glad we're going out, but just doesn't want anyone to know. FML

By denied - United States

66567

5096

Today, my boyfriend was trying to tackle me to the bed when we heard a loud pop. The pop turned out to be him breaking my pinky finger. FML

By kaylashay2k13 - United States - Mission

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1085

Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML

By Alexa23 - United States

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8865

Today, my wife decided to check her email, while I was still inside her. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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13121

Today, I downloaded a movie for my mom that she really likes, "When Harry Met Sally". When she loaded the file, we soon found out it was actually some kind of obscure porno billed as "When Harry Wet Sally". FML

By Anonymous - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

50527

9845

Today, at work, a good song came on and I started dancing to it. I guess security thought my Michael Jackson crotch-grab was funny, because a printout of it is now pinned in our break room. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Pueblo

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11846

Today, I met my older sister's cute male roommate. Everything was going smoothly until he asked if I was her mother. I’m only 20. FML

By JulietMarie

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170

Today, I went to the doctor and found out that I am infertile. When I called my boyfriend of 2 years (whom I was hoping to have a future with) to talk to him about it, all he said was "So does this mean I don't have to wear a condom anymore?" FML

By Anonymous - United States

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7319

Today, my boyfriend bought me a silver necklace. I have a silver allergy, but I thanked him anyway and encouraged him to return it. I found out later that he knew about my allergy all along and bought it on purpose so he could return it, get a refund, and still look good. FML

By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

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4995

Today, I had to give advice to my best friend and love of my life. What kind of advice? What to wear while on a date with some guy. We're roommates, and she wouldn't stop telling me about everything when she got home. This happens on a regular basis. FML

By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 11:31

Unrequited lover

396

829

Today, someone broke the flush on the toilet in the only female bathroom in the office, and didn’t leave either a note or out of order sign. The broken flush became very apparent, however, after I was unable to flush the vile smelling deposit I’d left in there. FML

By Oops

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378

Today, my daughter tried to cover up her relapse into pyromania by explaining to me that the reason our carpet caught on fire was because a hot coal somehow worked its way free from the fireplace. Our fireplace is electric. FML

By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

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2562

Today, my daughter fell asleep early, so my husband and I decided to get frisky. He passed out mid blow job. FML

By ThreeWeeksWithoutSex - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend got a job was so that he could buy weed. FML

By hopeless - United States

25747

6977

Today, I was having sex with this girl I met in stats class when my roommate walked in. He started applauding and said, "$20 bucks for me! I knew you weren't gay!" Him and my other roommate had a bet. They are my best friends. FML

By CBBP - United States

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8726

Today, after work, I peeled a parking ticket off my windshield. It was so hot that the ink from the ticket made a stamp on my windshield. Now I have a permanent reminder staring me in the face wherever I drive. FML

By wils - United States

28540

7861

Today, I bought ingredients for one of my favorite meals and went home to take a nap. When I woke up, my sister had cooked them for everyone else in the house, who ate it all without me. I was told that I shouldn't be angry, but instead proud of my adult sister because, "She cooked!" FML

By Murphy

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207

Today, my boyfriend and I compared our No Shave November body hair. This is how I found out that my legs are hairier than his. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Mexico

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Today, I was on a date with a girl I've had feelings for since I was 14 (I'm 22). I took her out to dinner, then to a movie that we both liked and had a few drinks afterwards. I thought it was going really well until I was driving her home and she asked to be dropped off at her boyfriend's house. FML

By tacoboy - United States

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6544

Today, I realized the moans I make when masturbating sound like I'm crying. I realized this when my neighbor pounded on the door asking if I was okay. FML

By crier - United States - Norfolk

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Today, I finally saw a dermatologist due to my unusually severe acne. Now I know I actually have a rare disorder that makes me allergic to my own acne. FML

By chuffberry - United States - Raleigh

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1202

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a basketball game. A very pretty woman sat next to him. During the third quarter, the kiss cam came on. But it didn't show him and me, it showed him and the other girl. And they kissed. FML

By jordyn173 - United States - Oklahoma City

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3570

Today, it's again one of many times my mom dropped me off at the mall to hang out with friends. Since I have no friends, I shop by myself and always tell her I had "so much fun". FML

By FriendlessLoser - United States - Bristow

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2694

Today, I saw my older sister for the first time in three years. We hadn't spoke since I found out that she was the woman my college boyfriend left me for. Unfortunately, our reunion was fueled by her two-year-old son's desire to meet his dad. My husband. FML

By Jenn - United States - Atlanta

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5715

Today, my department found out that we're getting a new supervisor for the third time this month. I joked about how we're like "the foster kid nobody wants." One of my coworkers burst into tears and ran off. I later found out that she had been a foster child and never once had a stable home. FML

By Luke - United States - Liverpool

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29566

Today, my friends and I were kicked out of a Red Robin after the manager told us that our server accused us of making "sexually suggestive gestures" towards her. The gesture in question was the circle game. FML

By Richard

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Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, he asked which girl I'd found out about. FML

By Sara246 - Canada

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Today, I saw my boss heading my way at work. He has a "no food in the office" policy, so I quickly scarfed down my pop-tart. I ended up choking on it so hard that I threw up. FML

By f*ck - Australia - Reynella

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19623

Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear the postman at the door. He never came. I stink. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

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Today, a new coworker asked me how to pronounce my name and made a dismissive remark that "All Asian names are so hard to pronounce and they all sound the same". My name is Christopher. FML

By NormalName

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Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML

By negativesoup

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756