When a coworker tries to help

Today, my boss said he's worried about our network, because "Wifi's all in the air. People could spy on us from anywhere!" I sarcastically said "My god, you're right!" and suggested switching to tin-foil ethernet cables to stop the signal escaping. He told me to do it ASAP. This moron makes five times my salary. FML

Videos

Vultures

Weird kid

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 20:15 - United States - San Francisco

36790

4194

Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML

By mike - 4/9/2011 17:05 - United States

29045

4496

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend because he's been working extra hard these last two months. I went to his house only to find him in bed with another girl. Standing there, with fifteen roses in my hands, all he could say was, "Thank you, can you put them in a vase?" FML

By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 14:24 - Netherlands

44867

3663

Today, I was wearing my yoga pants for my boyfriend. He's infatuated with them. He claims they make my ass look nice. I found out it's because I constantly get a camel toe, and it gives him a semi every time he sees it. I found this out by listening to him and his father at dinner. FML

By cameltoeyourface - 26/7/2010 00:42 - United States

34728

10332

Today, I got into a car accident. The guy wouldn't give me his information, but instead stood there saying, "Like a good neighbor, Statefarm is there." FML

By Read The Fine Print - 24/11/2012 05:55 - United States - Sylmar

31111

2227

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mother thinks I'm a loser and a scumbag. We haven't even met yet. FML

By arekusa - 23/6/2011 03:00 - United States

33220

3444

Today, my fiancée and I were making plans for our wedding when my soon-to-be mother-in-law chimed in with, "You know, she can still get out of this. I got the dress for her but we can save it for the next guy." I'm not sure if she's joking or not. FML

By bingalingading - 3/1/2015 01:46 - United States - Owosso

31552

2467

Today, my husband and I got into an argument. I tried to assault him with a laptop. He yelled, "Don't hit me with the computer." My apartment neighbor yelled through the wall, "Do what you gotta do, girl." FML

By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 02:31 - United States

17647

45858

Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She looked pretty thin, so to make her feel better, I said that she looked small. She said "Well, you haven't seen me naked." For some reason, I replied, "Not that you know of." FML

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 06:37 - United States - Conover

17812

40087

Today, I went on a coffee date with the man I've been in love with for a while. Before I knew what was going on, he'd started chatting up a pretty girl sitting nearby. I had to drink my coffee alone while he got her number. FML

By firstdategonebad - 12/10/2012 18:43 - Canada - Toronto

26720

2542

Today, my boyfriend and I are on our way back from vacation. It will be an eight hour drive. It just so happens I got food poisoning the night before we left, and there's roadwork everywhere. We're at a dead halt with no signs of moving. FML

By Holding - 24/8/2013 05:21 - United States - Staunton

46023

3042

Today, I fell down the stairs and broke my leg. My dad helped me to the car so he could drive me to the hospital, but when he saw our neighbor, he went over and had a 15 minute screaming match with him over how his dog keeps shitting on our lawn, all while I sat in the car in agony. FML

By wo-ow - 6/6/2014 23:09 - United States - Bronx

53114

4304

Today, I stood too fast, got dizzy, and fell over. I fell on the grandmother of the bride, pushing her into the wedding cake table. Cake ruined, grandmother in hospital for a broken arm, and everybody mad at me. FML

By cousin of the groom - 7/8/2018 01:30

2743

650

Today, my entire family, myself included, has been turned into a collective diarrhea fountain after going out to eat. We only have one bathroom. FML

By shroooms - 28/7/2011 20:37 - Slovenia

36596

3053

Today, I went to a bar with some friends when my wife texted me asking where I was. Not wanting her to know I was at a bar, I told her I was still at work. She was sitting in the booth behind me. FML

By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 16:34 - United Kingdom

8524

67386

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for for his birthday in a couple of days. He replied "to be single" and walked out of the room. FML

By gutsforme - 11/8/2010 10:40 - New Zealand

44251

4460

Today, I was buying condoms for my girlfriend and myself. While at the checkout counter, my guy friend sees me, runs to me, puts his arm around me, kisses me on the cheek, then yells "Thank you baby!" There were about twenty people behind me, they all gave me dirty looks. FML

By imustbegay - 9/5/2010 14:20 - United States

42196

10341

Today, my husband and I mutually discovered that we are both infected with pubic lice. How? I found his and he found mine while we were in the middle of 69-ing each other. So, so gross. FML

By krabby patty - 25/5/2018 06:00

5280

1524

Today, I went shopping with my mother, when someone snuck a pack of condoms into our cart while our backs were turned. When we got to the register, my mom, whose wealth makes me ineligible for financial aid, noticed the condoms and she announced that she wasn't paying for the college I got accepted to next year because she doesn't want a promiscuous daughter. FML

By condiments - 22/2/2010 21:13 - United States

33978

3032

Today, I realized that the smell of chlorine has started to turn me on, probably because my girlfriend has an indoor pool in her house. Guess who works as a swim instructor. FML

By Anonymous - 20/3/2013 16:08 - United States - Arlington

46903

6459

Today, my dad thought it would be OK to make sound effects for everything he did, in a public park, with me tagging along behind. FML

By SaggyBoy135 - 12/7/2011 12:19 - United States

26840

3544

Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML

By Teenagegirl - 26/3/2012 04:11 - Canada - Sherwood Park

32225

4244

Today, my boyfriend asked if I could grow out my pubic hair since I usually wax it. He said his mom has a full bush and he always thought it looks better that way. FML

By notyourmom - 11/6/2013 12:00 - United Kingdom - London

92521

7703

Today, I went to go see my boyfriend of over two years in a play. I knew that he'd be kissing his female opposite at the end of the show and I was okay with that. I snuck into his dressing room at intermission to find him "rehearsing" with her half naked. FML

By irishbitch - 15/11/2009 07:51

47713

3367

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend grinning at me, her hand on my junk. I grinned back, then looked down and saw blood smeared all over her hand and my junk. After I started screaming and crying, she laughed and said it was fake blood. She recorded everything. FML

By Anonymous - 4/8/2013 19:28 - United States - Scottsdale

74529

9790

Today, after telling a student that she had to take the online test on the date that I had assigned, she whined to the vice president of the college, who then told my dean that he needed to do something about it. She made me offer testing days on multiple dates. So much for integrity. FML

By das_shizzle - 2/5/2020 05:00

Entitled bitch

1575

202

Today, I was babysitting a young boy. I accidentally let a few words slip when I dropped something. He won't stop dropping the F bomb and his mother is coming to get him in the morning. FML

By Kelly - 2/10/2011 04:53 - United States

12156

38070

Today, my little sister was in charge of doing the vacuuming, when she decided our hamster had "dust on his back". FML

By gvmfvr - 8/5/2014 20:48 - France - Fontenay-sous-bois

46034

3945

Today, my friend mentioned a book that reminded her of me. When I asked what it was called she said, "He's just not that into you". FML

By Oh really - 28/1/2009 00:17 - Australia

23719

2290

Today, I had my first driving lesson. I learned how to be stopped by a cop, who told me what a horrible driver I was. FML

By unhappy - 7/6/2015 18:23 - United States - San Anselmo

23908

3929

Today, I'm so bad at parking that I saw the guy next to me openly cringe as I pulled into a spot. FML

By socargone - 17/1/2017 22:00

5309

1869

Today, I had a food allergy test done because of an ugly acne upswing. And after over a year of vegetarianism, I find out that I'm allergic to soy. FML

By Anonymous - 9/6/2009 17:07 - United States

48075

22319

Today, at my grandmothers funeral I tried my hardest not to cry, only allowing tears to fall and not making any noise, to be respectful at her funeral. Afterwards, my mother tells my father that I didn't cry, which obviously meant that I didn't love my grandmother and had no soul. FML

By baddream - 25/4/2009 01:44 - United States

65098

4650

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. After hundreds passive aggressive comments, my boyfriend and I went into the kitchen. I started complaining to him about how his parents were horrible and mean. Little did I know, his parents had followed us in and were right behind me. FML

By Anonymous - 1/9/2009 15:18 - United Kingdom

16301

48456

Today, the first gift I opened was from my uncle. It was $80 in clothes that I'd bought for myself a week earlier. FML

By Actrent - 25/12/2016 07:00

8113

682

Today, I found some .pdf files on my wife's computer. They were forms that had been filled out except for the date and the "reason" section. They were divorce papers. When confronted about it she said, "Well, if you piss me off really bad, I want to write down why before I calm down." FML

By UNmarried - 31/8/2009 18:10 - United States

41710

4136

Today, I went to go get a haircut and I asked how much it was for a haircut, shampoo, and a blow job. I meant to say blow dry. FML

By Stixchop - 26/2/2009 23:21 - United States

21235

54791

Today, as I went to the bathroom in a port-a-potty at a park, I forgot to lock the door. A little girl opens the door and then slams it right away. As she walked away I heard her say "no, there's a man in there". I'm a woman. FML

By crappy_day - 9/1/2010 02:09 - United States

27508

5751

Today, I was giving a class presentation, when I suddenly sneezed so hard I wet myself. FML

By Anonymous - 1/2/2010 19:29 - United Kingdom

38767

4093

Today, it was my first day as a pharm tech. Two hours into my shift, I came down with awful food poisoning, causing me to go to the restroom multiple times before eventually leaving. I'd filled multiple controlled substances today and can't help but think my coworkers are thinking I'm a drug addict. FML

By Anonymous - 31/5/2020 20:00

Breaking Badly

1292