Work: Today, at work, I have discovered the wonderful feeling of having...

By Moon_Glade

Today, at work, I have discovered the wonderful feeling of having a paper cut, with metal, under your nail, on all your nails. FML

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Moving day, grandma

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Frome

Today, I got permission from my parents for my boyfriend to stay over. Things got intimate, and I tried my hardest not to make too much noise. However, while having a post-sex cuddle, we heard my parents in the next room muttering about my "faking". FML

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By fuckingcool

Today, my mother once again brought up how I would have done so much better in my Track season if I just smiled while I ran. Apparently, if you just smile, your brain won't know you're in pain. I don't think it works like that, but thanks for the advice mom. FML

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By thanksmom - United States - Watertown

Today, my mother brought over some early Christmas presents for me and the kids. The kid's presents were fine, mine however consisted of many yard accessories, including solar lights. I live in an apartment building with no yard. Her response? "Buy a potted plant and shove them in there." FML

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By WhereIsIt? - 25/9/2020 22:01 - Australia - North Lakes

Frustration

Today, I came home from a nine-hour shift and all I want is to sit down with a glass of Baileys. I can't find the key to the liquor cabinet. FML

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By Anonymous - Lebanon

Today, I found out that it's extremely difficult to take a dump while holding a cup under your ass for a lab specimen. I also found out that you get so nervous that you can actually forget to lock the door. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chandler

Today, I hooked up with a girl at a club, and we had sex. She just lay there like a corpse the whole time. It got so bad, I ended up faking an orgasm and blaming the lack of semen on a botched vasectomy. She actually believed it. What the hell? FML

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By piemasterzim - Canada

Today, I was messing around with my wife. I grabbed her boobs and said, "Honk honk". Unbeknownst to me, my daughter saw it. Now my 3-year-old girl runs around honking everyone. Even her grandparents. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, I had my first therapy session for the issues caused by trying to please my overbearing, paranoid, self-centred mother. The first thing she did after we started driving home? Ranting at me and demanding to know if I'd been "talking shit" about her to my therapist FML

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By tsardaukar - United States

Today, bouncing at a local bar. I I.D.'d a girl with a group of people. I told her that next time she used a fake I.D., she at least should get one with a picture that looked like her. She started crying and ran off. A guy told me that she had been in a car wreck, and had been badly disfigured. FML

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By nayahbear24 - United States - Trenton

Today, after coming home from a two week vacation, my dog was pink, there were beer bottles and used condoms on my bed, and everything was a mess. I asked my sister, who'd been watching over the place, what had happened. She just said "Oops." and hung up. FML

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By Help

Today, it's the 11th day of my migraine. I've drunk enough water to piss crystal clear, eaten every type of food there is, slept for days, and tried every remedy in my medicine cabinet. Nothing made a dent in the splitting pain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Unionville

Today, the girl of my dreams asked me if I wanted to go biking with her. "Just the two of us," she said. I had to turn her down because I'm 17 years old and never learned how to ride a bike. FML

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By baseball25635 - United States

Today, I was at my son's baseball game when a foul ball came flying toward my brand new car. In an attempt to save my windshield, I dove onto trying to stop the ball only to land on my windshield, crack it and see the ball land safely on the ground next to my car. FML

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By horny21 - Canada

Today, I was laying on the bed, naked, waiting for my boyfriend to come home since we haven't had sex in almost a month. Hearing him come in, I struck my sexiest pose. He walked into our room and tossed his backpack at me. Not only did we not have sex, his backpack gave me a black eye. FML

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By Sam

Today, I went to the doctor to get my swollen lymph nodes checked. As it turns out, they aren't swollen. I'm just fat. FML

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By Gosh Darn Phone Thief - 11/12/2020 23:02

Get 'em!

Today, somebody grabbed my phone out of my hands and ran away with it. I'm a cross country runner, albeit one with stress fractures, but I was able to catch up with them and get my phone back. Unfortunately, the running aggravated my stress fractures and I have to get a plaster cast. Merry fricking Christmas. FML

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By - France

Today, my wife and I both have blond hair and blue eyes, we just had a red headed son. FML

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By Antoine Karam

Today, I was invited to an engagement. My crush is getting engaged next month to a man she told me she hated. FML

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By psychopumpkin - United Kingdom - Boston

Today, I'm so strapped for cash that I smuggled toilet paper out of my mother's house. FML

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43087

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By Embarrassed daughter.. - United States

Today, for the Superbowl halftime show, my mom was blasting the TV, dancing, and singing along to Bruce Springsteen in front of me and my boyfriend. FML

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By wow

Today, my mom confessed that she has to make up compliments to give to prove me wrong when I said she can never say positive things about me. FML

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By zl5 - New Zealand - Masterton

Today, the deranged idiot that I am defending in court went completely nuts and told the judge that I am the guy who planned the whole armed robbery that he is on trial for. FML

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By jesus fuck

Today, I got my 1 year old daughter vaccinated. My wife tried to leave me because she's "never felt more betrayed". FML

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3966

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By wowie

Rebel without a cause.

Today, my ex threatened to not return my things that she still has. She even went on to say she will burn them, because she hates me and I "broke her heart". Not only has it been over half a year since we broke up, but she was the one who broke up with me. FML

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By hellphone_fml

Today, someone knocked on my door. I yelled "Yeah?" while getting up, since it was locked. My grandpa walked in, as I apparently didn't actually lock it. I was naked. FML

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By tattooooooface - United States

Today, my dad found out I got a tattoo behind his back and is really really upset. When I got home from work my car wasn't in the driveway. When I asked my dad where it was, he replied "you'll get it back when your tattoo comes off." FML

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By veggiedude - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend suggested we try something new and spontaneous. Excited to find out first-hand what she had in mind, and ready to fool around, I hurried over to her place. Turns out she's just taken up vegan cooking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out my boyfriend sleeps on a Princess Leia pillow. He's 22. FML

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By WellShit - United States - New Richland

Today, I found out that there's something my new wife hates more than spiders. Black people. FML

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By chelsea

Today, I found out that if you cry yourself sleep and forget to take off your mascara, your top and bottom lashes will stick together. Leaving you unable to open your eyes. FML

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By satanworshipper - United States - Hollywood

Today, I received another death threat for teaching evolution in college. I'm a geology teacher. FML

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By urgg - United States

Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML

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By uncool - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a "Happy birthday" was the cop who pulled me over, as he handed me my ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Sweet talker

Today, my boyfriend said to me, "You know how I know I love you? I don't want you to leave after we have sex." He thinks that's a compliment. FML

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By jsquared - United States

Today, my twin sister sent a nude picture to her boyfriend, who then forwarded it on to everyone else. Everyone else thinks it's me. FML

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By BadLuckCarson - United States - Muscatine

Today, I had my girlfriend over for dinner with my family. My father had dressed up as a girl for a recent gig of his at a local pub. This got somehow brought up at the table. The rest of the dinner conversation consisted of him and my girlfriend discussing bras and lingerie. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 17:02 - Canada - Waterloo

The more the merrier

Today, I apparently I created a group chat with the four guys I saw any potential with, ruining every single one of the possible future relationships all at once because they now know about each other. I give up on dating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML

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By really - United States

Today, my parents told me they don't think I'll ever find a boyfriend, and insist on referring to my future cats as their "grandkids". FML

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Top comments

By cacheson | 41

#7464795 - Saturday 3 June 2017 17:09

Metal paper?

By UniUni | 13

#7464816 - Saturday 3 June 2017 18:10

Shouldn't paper cuts require paper?

COMMENTS

By rivenrock | 14

#7464778 - Saturday 3 June 2017 16:18

Painful. Also not a paper cut.

By cacheson | 41

#7464795 - Saturday 3 June 2017 17:09

Metal paper?

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7464808 - Saturday 3 June 2017 17:36

what?

By UniUni | 13

#7464816 - Saturday 3 June 2017 18:10

Shouldn't paper cuts require paper?

By sunshine1421 | 14

#7464818 - Saturday 3 June 2017 18:18

no more origami with sheet metal for you

By Vampirequeen346 | 8

#7464831 - Saturday 3 June 2017 18:47

I've had that happen to me before but on my index finger. Hurts wayy more than a papercut ?

By CrusnikRoxas | 20

#7464857 - Saturday 3 June 2017 19:27

Oh jesus, this has got be one of my worst fears! D: Poor you! Hope your fingers recover quick :/

By RichardPencil | 29

#7464861 - Saturday 3 June 2017 19:34

Cut me once, shame on you.
Cut me twice, shame on me.
Cut me ten times, for shit's sake, what the hell is wrong with you?!?!

By Tyler Smith | 4

#7464862 - Saturday 3 June 2017 19:37

How in the hell did that happen?

By Arashikage | 18

#7464863 - Saturday 3 June 2017 19:40

Maybe you'll one day discover the definition of a paper cut