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By Anonymous - 07/06/2019 06:15

Today, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me. Why? I was late for our date. We arrived at the restaurant together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 995

You deserved it 175

By meach - 06/08/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of a bad haircut. She was the one who cut my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 923

You deserved it 4 196

By Anonymous - 06/10/2015 03:46 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I finally got a job so I could stop missing out on going out with my friends every weekend. Turns out I work only Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, and there's no way around it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 479

You deserved it 4 866

It's not what you think

By gooddeedgonebad - 26/05/2013 09:19 - Australia - Upper Swan

Today, I helped an elderly woman carry her suitcase down a flight of stairs. When I got to the bottom, a man tackled me to the ground thinking I was stealing the woman's luggage. As I lay in pain, he ran up the stairs to return the suitcase and the poor woman had to carry it down on her own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 081

You deserved it 3 242

Soup for the soul

By Lepisma - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - College Station

Today, I was feeling queasy from the flu so I made some soup to see if it would settle my stomach. It didn't, but at least the giant burn I got on my thigh when the soup spilled hurts enough to distract from the nausea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 443

You deserved it 953

Taking the piss

By birthday girl - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Toledo

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill for a piss test I took earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 381

You deserved it 4 274

By magicmaster19 - 20/06/2019 14:30

Today, my mom complained that I never do anything nice for her, so while out shopping I bought her favorite chocolate bar. When I got home, she screamed at me because she’s on a diet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 808

You deserved it 254

By Anonymous - 10/11/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I got a new CD player for my car and an alarm installed for added security. After work, I saw my windows smashed, the CD player gone, the alarm wires cut, and a note that said, "Try again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 151

You deserved it 2 726

By kufan1324 - 05/06/2012 03:47 - United States

Today, my boss became obsessed with a movie about a pimp. He now refers to all my female coworkers as his "bitches" and refuses to treat us like human beings. Whenever we make a mistake, he rolls his eyes and laughs, "So typical of a prostie." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 208

You deserved it 3 346

No thanks!

By Anonymous - 23/05/2022 18:00 - United States - Spokane

Spicy

Today, my husband thought I might want to get intimate. I've never seen someone vacate a room so quickly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 057

You deserved it 236

By bdutton - 24/04/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I got pulled over while dancing to crazy techno beats in the car. The officer RAN out of his car and up to mine and pounded on my window. He thought I was having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 377

You deserved it 23 241

bdutton tells us more.

bdutton 0

Saturday 25 April 2009 6:21

as the OP, I would like to say that it was to the original mix of Benny Benassi's Satisfaction

It's not what you think

By Redfaced - 15/05/2013 16:54 - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, I was sitting next to an attractive man. Much to my surprise, he started stroking his foot against mine. I was happy at the flirting, because I've been attracted to him forever, so I played along. That's when he stood up and explained he was trying to stretch out a cramp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 809

You deserved it 11 781

By Idiocracy - 24/04/2009 04:36 - United States

Today, my boss confessed to me that she doesn't know how to change the staples in the staplers at work, so she just switches them when they run out. We work at an office supply store. She makes six figures. I make $10 an hour. And she just got awarded a trip to Aruba for doing a "great job". FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 493

You deserved it 3 440

I like big butts and I cannot lie

By ThiccBoi - 02/05/2022 22:00 - United States - Staten Island

Today, I was yet again cat-called while out jogging, with many men calling me "sexy lady" and even commenting on my "birthing hips", all because I chose to wear compression pants. I'm not even a woman, I'm just a guy with a really big butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 264

You deserved it 301

By handyman13 - 25/07/2011 05:43 - United States

Today, I found out that I have a warrant for my arrest, because I was fishing without a fishing license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 946

You deserved it 34 206

Breakdown

By JulesBlues - 09/07/2019 06:00

Today, I sat in my doctor's office and broke down, crying and shaking, with a blood pressure of 190, getting off my chest everything that has gone wrong in my life lately. To which the doctor, well into her sixties, replied, "My goodness, I've never met anyone with so many problems!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 935

You deserved it 379

By iphonerevolution - 05/07/2014 00:15 - South Africa

Today, my teenage daughter faked a suicide because I bought her a Samsung instead of an iPhone for her birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 807

You deserved it 13 371

By quickfingers100 - 22/07/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had sex. Her reason? Because she thinks she is so good in bed she was worried I'd hyperventilate due to all the excitement. Instead I fainted due to lack of oxygen after three minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 963

You deserved it 10 739

Thanks for the assistance

By CorpDrone - 03/11/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I came in to work and found the conference room whiteboards completely clean. My assistant had wiped all the white boards where I'd spent 10 hours writing the schedule for the next three months. I was going to meet with all the supervisors to finalize that schedule today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 731

You deserved it 7 112

Wakey wakey

By gumbymn - 17/03/2021 00:30

Today, I asked Alexa to turn on my baby's white noise machine. Instead, she started playing Pharrell Williams's "Happy" while the baby was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 409

By fredfredburger - 25/06/2014 17:45 - United States - Imperial

Today, I went on a date with the girl I like, to see The Fault In Our Stars. She didn't cry, but I did. Twice, hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 424

You deserved it 13 824

By Eyesore - 16/04/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I was walking back to my home in the city in the dark. I'm paranoid, so when I saw movement behind me I clutched my mace. The faster I walked, the closer the person seemed to be. I spun around and sprayed my attacker with mace. It was my shadow and the wind blew the mace back into eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 206

You deserved it 86 657

By Fuck you, Dad. Fuck you. - 19/06/2014 21:05 - Sweden - Sundbyberg

Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to see the photos of my wedding, which he didn't bother to come to. Reply: "What the fuck, are you gay or something? Keep that homo stuff to yourself." My wife started laughing so hard she was crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 839

You deserved it 5 405

Face it!

By MooCow - 13/07/2011 03:13 - United States

Today, my best friend told me to face my fear of cows and hop over the fence in with them. This resulted in me being chased by a raging cow, and thrusting myself head first over a fence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 608

You deserved it 15 806

By InnocenceBlue - 01/08/2019 12:00

Today, as always, my mother hates my life choices. Particularly my hair for some reason. As she's always whinging about it being dyed blonde, I dyed it back to my natural colour again to appease her, and stop the constant bullying. She hates it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 730

You deserved it 222

By shudson186 - 11/06/2014 00:25 - Canada - Meaford

Today, I got a very serious case of the shits while in the middle of trying to close a sale, and had to run to the bathroom. My coworker picked up the sale, stealing all the commission in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 371

You deserved it 6 269

shudson186 tells us more.

shudson186 17

Wednesday 11 June 2014 16:27

OP here, this is very embarrassing. This client was actually a very good friend of mine and I told her I would be back in a few moments. She understood completely I just informed her to place it at the cash. My coworker however did come along to ring her through placing the items under her name in the system. Which made me lose out on a $500 dollar sale. So far management has done nothing, but I think she does feel bad because she knew she was in the wrong. My mistake though for eating a big unhealthy breakfast that did not agree with my bowels. For future I take this into consideration.

Just a prank, bro!

By Anonymous - 19/09/2019 02:03 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I've been told that the test I have tomorrow, which I've been studying for, is not on 'Parent and Child Relationships' but on 'Scotland's Fishing Communities'. My brother thought it would be funny to hide the real booklet, and make up his own one for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 645

You deserved it 301

Gimme the pizza

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza over the phone from Pizza Hut. I turned at the store and waited for over 25 minutes. When they saw me sitting there for such a long time, they eventually asked what i was waiting for. I'd called the wrong Pizza Hut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 090

You deserved it 58 039

By jjcod - 31/05/2014 09:13 - United Kingdom - London

Today, freshly dumped and at a bar, I focussed my attention on trying to stand in such a way that I looked like an attractive, alluring, confident person. Apparently I forgot how to successfully stand upright and sprained my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 288

You deserved it 10 235

Business is business

By Anonymous - 09/04/2021 00:30 - United Kingdom

Today, my lawyer lied to me about how much of a settlement she won for my workplace accident. I got £20,000, but she lied and kept £55,000 for herself. My lawyer is my wife, and she claims she’s entitled to that money since she’s the one who’s really suffered caring for me during my recovery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 794

You deserved it 216

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The Top

The Top

Today, I found out that the nickname my friend has been calling me in Japanese for the past year is the word for "Idiot". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 939

You deserved it 5 135

Today, I walked around town by myself for four hours because I was too ashamed to tell my parents that I have no friends willing to spend time with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 159

You deserved it 4 705

Today, my son's homework was to write a story about what he wants to be when he grows up. He wrote that he plans on being unemployed and living at home until we throw him out, then he'll live under a bridge. He's only 12, but already planning for a future as an unemployed bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 311

You deserved it 8 495

Today, I'm finally visiting my long-distance boyfriend in his home country. He has a vomit-inducing migraine, and the traditional food he fed me triggered the worst kidney attack I've had in years. We're both lying on the couch writhing in pain. Yay, quality time together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 636

You deserved it 160

Today, I was taking a test and thought I was doing great until I realized I was writing all my answers on the question paper, not the answer sheet. By the time I noticed, there were only five minutes left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 199

You deserved it 424

Today, I'm having a difficult time in the bedroom. I'm 59 and the 40 year-old hot blonde I'm seeing is so tight, she squeezes me out almost every time she "gets hers." It sucks having to practically start over countless times before I can finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 153

You deserved it 295