Health: Today, I told my sister that I thought I was pregnant, and that... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 456

You deserved it 72

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 494

You deserved it 37

19/10/2009 16:47

Today, I told my sister that I thought I was pregnant, and that she was the only person I had called. Immediately after I hung up the phone I got a text saying, "OMG my sister thinks she's pregnant!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 260

You deserved it 5 634

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Saturday 7 November 2009 17:40

We can laugh about it now because it turns out I wasn't pregnant. But now I know I can't trust her with information like that (unfortunately).

BO Central

Age difference

Weird reason to leave, but OK

SIKE!

By Anonymous - 10/08/2021 16:01

Today, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with a personality disorder. So now I have no friends, no job, no love, but I've got a personality disorder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 84

03/01/2010 16:28

Today, while on the treadmill, my iPod fell and shot out underneath my feet. I got off to get it, and when I tried to get back on, I slipped and fell on my face on the moving track. The whole gym watched me get beat up by a treadmill and clapped when I finally got back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 129

You deserved it 6 358

28/06/2011 20:40

Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 002

You deserved it 4 707

18/04/2018 05:00

Today, I bought a tail for my girlfriend to dress as a cat at a hen party. She put the box in her suitcase, then left to catch her plane. I checked my purchase history and realised it's a cat tail butt plug. Now she keeps ringing me, but I'm too chicken to answer the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 390

You deserved it 5 085

06/01/2017 11:52

Today, in a coffee shop, I purchased two doughnuts and cup of coffee, a regular order which I've bought many times before. Today the cost was $1 less and when I inquired why, I was told, "I gave you the senior's discount." Their policy is a senior discount for anyone over 55. I turned 50 last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 391

You deserved it 1 286

31/03/2013 04:14

Today, I learned that my parents are planning to divorce. My dad said, "I'll take Rachel." Rachel isn't even his daughter; I am. Rachel is my mom's daughter with her first husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 160

You deserved it 2 794

Lightweight

By Anonymous - 13/05/2020 14:00

Today, I have a hangover. From one small glass of pink Cava. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 020

You deserved it 390

26/07/2013 07:58

Today, I attended an elderly patient's funeral. He died of a heart attack after his daughter, as his carer, stopped all of his meds in favour of a half-cup of garlic a day. Apparently she'd "read an article" about the healing power of garlic, which trumped my 6-year degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 201

You deserved it 2 962

12/06/2013 02:12

Today, my mother came into my workplace to wail on me for "ruining our family's reputation" because I got a girl pregnant. I've been married to the "girl" for 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 136

You deserved it 3 303

05/07/2009 16:46

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because she wants to "become" a lesbian. I also learned that she's coming to my house for dinner tonight. My sister is her date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 338

You deserved it 4 225

Drained

By Anonymous - 01/08/2020 23:01

Today, after following the directions and drinking a gallon of what can only be described as an industrial strength laxative for a scheduled colonoscopy. I shit my brains out for nearly 12 hours. The hospital then called and canceled my procedure an hour before my arrival time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 896

You deserved it 86

19/05/2013 19:56

Today, my brother broke his mountain bike, so he stole mine, and managed to break it as well. Then he made some kind of franken-bike out of parts from both, and messed that one up too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 163

You deserved it 3 751

26/01/2017 14:00

Spicy

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 814

You deserved it 672

26/01/2013 17:18

Today, my roommate and I noticed a foul smell in our apartment. After looking around for a little while, I found that her cat had pooped on a pair of my jeans, and apparently tried to cover it up by dragging a shirt over the mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 931

You deserved it 3 397

Jump

By Petitprof - 12/11/2010 18:23

Today, someone in my class wrote, "Erase me if you can!" at the very top of the board, as I'm always tormented about how short I am compared to everyone else. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach it. I'm the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 217

You deserved it 5 325

Thanks Outlook

By Buzz - 28/11/2008 05:35

Today, I was doing a Power Point presentation to the management committee. Outlook Express was still open, and right in the middle of the presentation, a window popped up notifying me of a new message. "Subject: our reply to your application for the post of Marketing Manager." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 300

You deserved it 8 321

12/12/2010 05:28

Today, my dad called for the first time in six months. He needs someone to bail him out of jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 410

You deserved it 2 417

19/08/2015 05:15

Today, my boyfriend is so ashamed of me that when someone asked how far along my pregnancy is, he quickly replied "5 months now!" instead of telling them I'm not actually pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 279

You deserved it 11 474

10/04/2016 11:41

Today, I had to slowly explain to my slightly ditzy roommate that no, I will not grow testicles due to taking testosterone supplements. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 571

You deserved it 1 920

No Ragerts

By "Sonofaquiche" - 07/05/2017 00:00

Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up in the hospital with a broken coccyx. Apparently, my drunk self came to the glorious conclusion that it would be a good idea to cannonball into a puddle while screaming "POOLPARTYYYY!" at the top of my lungs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 079

You deserved it 5 606

30/06/2016 13:23

Today, my roommate and I were watching TV, and he ordered a pizza. After it was delivered, I took a slice. He yelled at me for taking his food and told me to stop mooching off him. I had to cover his rent last month and he still hasn't paid me back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 018

You deserved it 1 122

21/02/2009 02:20

Today, I got to Costa Rica for my first vacation in five years. I immediately rented a scooter for the week after checking into my prepaid, no refunds, hotel. On the way back from the rental agency I hit a pothole and broke my leg and ripped the skin off my foot. I'm flying home tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 422

You deserved it 4 150

18/06/2009 02:40

Today, I took home my grandpa's ashes. I then went out with my grandma, leaving my 5-year-old at home with my 12-year-old. When I got home, my beaming 5-year-old opened the door, covered in white powder. My grandmother asked where all the powder had come from. She pointed to the empty ashbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 190

You deserved it 17 998

04/11/2014 02:39

Today, my loving fiancé informed me that my new perfume makes me smell like a urinal cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 524

You deserved it 5 512

21/02/2010 12:56

Today, I was at the beach with my boyfriend in Key West. I had gotten a bikini wax and new swimsuit for the occasion. My boyfriend was being romantic until he pulled a long hair from a mole on my leg. It's all fun and games until the mole starts bleeding, profusely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 374

You deserved it 4 450

10/01/2016 03:27

Today, the person I was driving behind put their car in reverse and backed straight into me. I was then yelled at and told, "I had my reversing lights on! Why didn't you move?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 229

You deserved it 1 744

18/09/2014 07:32

Today, my girlfriend visited my restaurant with some guy I'd never seen before. She introduced him to me as her "new boyfriend". She was always a cold bitch, but I never saw this coming. I had to serve their food while choking back tears, and I couldn't work up the nerve to spit in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 105

You deserved it 5 418

29/08/2010 17:51

Today, I was chosen out of 64 women to model for the catalog of a new clothing store. Just when my self-confidence took a dramatic boost, I looked at the evaluation sheet. I was picked due to attributes such as my "extra large figure and average face" to make below average women feel beautiful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 426

You deserved it 4 609

12/02/2011 18:57

Today, my son and I attended my mother's funeral. It was the first time he'd been to such an event, so to ease his grief and distract him, I turned on Max and Ruby when we got home. He quickly broke into tears; apparently, it was the episode where Max and Ruby prepare their grandma a special birthday gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 050

You deserved it 5 032

01/10/2009 09:42

Today, my friends and I noticed that people, no matter what stereotype, pretty much all have the same type of friends: the mean one, the funny one, etc... and started naming off the people in our group who fit into those personallities. We got to the token fat one, everyone looked at me and stopped talking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 888

You deserved it 10 338

14/10/2009 10:39

Today, was my mom's birthday. I recently got my first job, thanks to her, and could finally afford to buy her something nice. I spent my first paycheck ever on buying her a very nice bracelet. She said it was nice, then asked if I would mind if she exchanged it for one she actually liked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 898

You deserved it 4 397

14/02/2019 15:46

Today, while spooning my spouse, I was awakened in the wee hours by a huge, junk-rattling fart. This has happened numerous times since she became a vegetarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 807

You deserved it 4 162

05/10/2010 21:01

Today, I saw a spider crawling on my new roommate's cheek, so I told her to stand still so that I could flick it off. Several long seconds of flicking made me realize that it wasn't a spider at all. I had been flicking her hairy mole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 658

You deserved it 34 725

21/10/2013 21:22

Spicy

Today, the kid next to me asked me, in all seriousness, if gay people have feelings like regular people. I'm gay, and I have to sit next to this barnacle until June. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 945

You deserved it 9 330

Bad joke, dude

By Peterrulesall - 25/09/2020 17:01

Today, as a joke, I put a picture of a sonogram on my girlfriend's facebook. Now her entire family hates me, and her mother has started the 2-hour drive to come pull her out of college. Whoops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 310

You deserved it 2 402

Troll level 3000

By really?! - 22/03/2020 06:30

Today, I found my car with its front end smashed in. The offender was nowhere to be seen, but had left a helpful note that stated, "Sorry about your car but you can go fuck yourself because you will never find me. Muwahahaha!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 828

You deserved it 123

22/11/2009 09:15

Today, I saw my cat outside taking a dump. I pulled back the curtain and watched him clean it up, because I found it fascinating that animals can do that. I must have been standing there for several minutes before I noticed the neighbour next door looking at me being fascinated by my cat pooing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 555

You deserved it 36 342

09/09/2011 12:10

Today, I wrote a fake phone number on my neck to make it look like someone had hit on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 183

You deserved it 42 809

Geography

By Fhhmylifeman - 11/04/2021 11:00

Today, I invited my Peruvian girlfriend to my parent’s house for dinner. They decorated the house with Mexican flag and Fiesta lanyards, and bought Taco Bell. My girlfriend is vegetarian and had to explain to them that no, Peru is not a city in Mexico. It’s been 3 hours and she won’t pick up her calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 040

You deserved it 176

29/12/2012 07:33

Today, my boyfriend read online that oversleeping has been linked to strokes later in life. He's now taken it upon himself to protect me by making sure that I have as minimal sleep as possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 994

You deserved it 3 225

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Top comments

MrSassypants 32

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Monday 2 March 2015 18:04

I didn't tell anyone when I thought I was pregnant. It turned out I wasn't pregnant though because I never had sex, I'm a guy, and it turned out I was just fat.

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Saturday 7 November 2009 17:40

We can laugh about it now because it turns out I wasn't pregnant. But now I know I can't trust her with information like that (unfortunately).

Comments

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Monday 19 October 2009 20:41

LOL OWNED! Really, you should know your sister well enough to predict she'll do something like that.

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Saturday 7 November 2009 17:29

I thought I did, lol.

WorldCupCheer 0

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Friday 30 April 2010 7:29

that sucks OP my sister would do that to me too so I know what you mean

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Tuesday 8 May 2012 0:58

Holy shit OP replies!!!

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Monday 19 October 2009 20:41

well she sounds pleasant.

inconvienentgurl 0

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Monday 19 October 2009 23:03

W.O.W. you should really not have told her n probably should of known she would blab like that. FYL n YDI for trusting her w/ that n NOT telling her that you didnt want anyone else to know about it. so yeah...sucks 4 u. oh n dont tell ppl till u kno 4 sure!!! 1st sign of idiocy...

the_stereotype 0

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Tuesday 20 October 2009 1:52

it's not a big deal. she's just excited for you and wanted to tell everyone she knew. you'll laugh about it later

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Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:41

i dont think she was excited, otherwise she would have said 'my sister thinks shes pregnant yey!' or something i dont know, not 'OMG my sister thinks shes pregnant!'

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Monday 19 October 2009 20:41

FALCON PUNCH! On another note, what's this FML supposed to be about? The fact that she's pregnant or the fact that her sister felt the need to send a mass text about said pregnancy?

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Monday 19 October 2009 20:44

Falcon Punch would of been better suited on the super hammered drunk punch girl fml my friend.

catatonicsleep 17

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Monday 19 October 2009 20:45

I think it's because she trusted her with something she probably wanted kept secret and her sister told everyone at the first opportunity

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Monday 19 October 2009 20:49

I beg to differ #6. And this picture here should explain why http://tinyurl.com/7zrp6d

FritoLovesYou 0

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Monday 19 October 2009 23:01

#6, Falcon Punch is for teen pregnancies, dumbass.

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Tuesday 20 October 2009 3:42

no abortion man is for teen pregnancies

iHatemylife987 0

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Wednesday 21 October 2009 3:33

ABORTION PUNCH!

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Monday 19 October 2009 20:41

that's not good... maybe it's time to give your sister a nice cup of shut the **** up.

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Tuesday 20 October 2009 1:07

How about a solo re-enactment of 2girls1cup by her sister?

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Monday 19 October 2009 20:42

Lol!! XD

catatonicsleep 17

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Monday 19 October 2009 20:47

double post...

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Monday 19 October 2009 20:59

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Monday 19 October 2009 21:02

Why do you assume there's a husband? o.0

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Monday 19 October 2009 21:24

There isn't a husband because, she wouldn't keep it a secret.

Sun_Kissed18 25

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Monday 19 October 2009 22:02

Exactly, it wouldn't be an FML if the OP was of an appropriate age and in a stable situation.

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Monday 19 October 2009 22:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Monday 19 October 2009 22:04

She might have kept it secret even if she had a husband. Here are a few example situations: 1) Husband doesn't want kids. She's afraid how he'll react, and confides in her sister, maybe looking for advise about telling him. 2) Husband DOES want kids, but she's not 100% sure she's pregnant and doesn't want to get his hopes up. 3) They happened to be talking about babies/pregnancy and so she mentioned it to her sister, but hadn't gotten around to telling her husband yet because she just found out. Sister was asked to keep it secret until after husband found out. 4) There is no husband.

chanceuse_fml 0

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Monday 19 October 2009 23:43

I don't know what your parents taught you, but I always learned you don't have to be married to have kids. What are you, 10?

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Tuesday 20 October 2009 1:46

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Tuesday 20 October 2009 2:01

You really suck at trolling, not even amusing. Lame life.

Beelzebub12113 0

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Tuesday 20 October 2009 3:01

you don't need a husband to get pregnant, people get pregnant all the time when they aren't married. so don't assume she has one.

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Tuesday 20 October 2009 3:48

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Tuesday 20 October 2009 15:46

What an interesting life you must have...

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Saturday 7 November 2009 17:35

No husband, just boyfriend of 5 years.

warriorcatluvr 0

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Sunday 23 May 2010 4:55

were u pregnant????

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Monday 2 March 2015 18:41

I am not married. I have a 5 month old son. By my girlfriend.

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Monday 19 October 2009 21:01

TIME TO GET A NEW SISTER

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Monday 19 October 2009 21:04

maybe she's just joking? since you told her she was the only one to know, maybe she wanted to send a text message to YOU only to be funny, so that you think she has sent the message to other/all people?

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Monday 19 October 2009 22:15

hahaha. That would make me laugh really hard. Except if OP doesn't have a great sense of humor, or is overly emotional from the pregnancy that might not go over well, and being jailed for murder while pregnant might be a pain.

perdix 29

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Monday 19 October 2009 21:05

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