Today, I collected my new timetable at college only to find I've...

By resurrected - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, I collected my new timetable at college only to find I've been dropped from all my classes. I've been listed as deceased. I'm definitely not dead and have no idea how I supposedly died. FML

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Work

Bad news

Live from Salt Lake City

Dog whisperer

By Anonymous

Today, while out with my family, I happened to run into "the one who got away." She smilingly introduced herself to my wife, who definitely noticed that she and our daughter share the same name. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, on a plane I was showing my brother the life jackets kept under the seat. After pulling on what I thought was the lifejacket, I then realized that they were kept in the arm rest to my right and for the last five minutes I had been pulling on the foot of the man who was sitting behind me. FML

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By Guy - United States - O Fallon

Today, the man who fired me from my job became my stepfather. FML

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By crapedup - United States

Today, I mentioned to my wife that we should try marriage counseling. She responded by denying it while throwing a carton of milk at me. FML

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By ilivehere - United States - Moline

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at his parents' house. I was overjoyed. His mom hugged me with tears in her eyes. His father, who never really spoke before, hugged me a few hours later when we were alone, his hands traveling to my ass and whispering, "I can change your mind." FML

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By Addicted2FML303 - United States

Today, I was on the couch, about to make out with the guy I've been dating. As soon as our lips touched, my overprotective dog ran up and bit him. He bled. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out. I happen to be allergic to all types of pain medication. FML

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By mistake - United States

Today, I realized what my mom has been calling me for 20 years. She always calls me her "little fehler." With her being from Germany, I always thought it was a cute little nickname. Apparently, she's been calling me her "little mistake." FML

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By PrincessOhNo - United States - Bronx

Today, I dyed my hair back to pastel pink, which it hasn't been in over a year. It goes well with my skin and I was super excited about it so I decided to Snapchat my friend about it. Her response? "You were thinner last time your hair looked like that." FML

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By newmoongirl1036 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I really like. At the last minute he informed me a friend would be tagging along. To keep his friend from being a third-wheel, I kept up a conversation, and managed to piss my date off. He thought I would be a better match for his friend. FML

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By - 28/1/2020 18:00

So romantic!

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was reading through a local wedding mag's advice page. A mother-in-law to be was writing about how to handle wanting her son to break off his engagement. I thought, "Wow. That must suck. I'm glad I like my mother-in-law to be." And then I saw her name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lititz

Today, I found out that my son has been trying to save enough of his earwax to make a candle. FML

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By mykhael - United States - Opelousas

Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully-grown police-trained German Shepherd. FML

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By RaYan

Today, I thought it was yesterday, I went to school for nothing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I visited with my cousin on her deathbed. When I asked what she was doing, they replied that she was sleeping. Next thing out my mouth without thinking was, "She can sleep when she's dead." FML

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By arose - United States

Today, I did a quick load of laundry so I would have work clothes for the week. I don't have my own dryer so I dried them in the one in my building. After running out to my car, I came back to find that my neighborhood kids had added 6 sharpies to my clothes. Every uniform I own has stripes. FML

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By Peelates

Yoga to watch out

Today, I prepared to do my early morning yoga, lowered myself on to the mat then felt a wet patch on my stomach. Turns out my roommate's cat had taken a piss on my orange mat and I'd been too tired to notice. FML

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By burningman - Germany - Darmstadt

Today, a homeless guy tried to light my hair on fire with a match at the bus stop. FML

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By s0728 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I work at a bakery. As I was putting out some cakes with fruit on top of them, a customer asked me how we get the little hairs to stay on the raspberries, and if we glue them on. FML

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By Lady

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling everyone that my fiancé and I are having a "shotgun wedding" because we plan to get married quickly. She didn't realize that means that the bride is pregnant, which I'm not. I have no idea what to do with the baby gifts I'm receiving. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my husband rescued our daughter's cat from a tree. She spent the next hour clapping and telling me how much of a hero he was. Last night at 2am I was awoken by meowing and had to rescue the same cat from the same tree, in the dark, and halfway down he shit on me. No one called me a hero. FML

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By Chad - 6/9/2020 13:59 - United States - Norfolk

Medicare for all

Today, I had to have emergency work done on my teeth after I seized in the shower and smashed my face into the tub. Apparently, the dental insurance I'd been paying for but had never used ended its coverage 4 days ago, because my job was no longer working with them. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Campbell River

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It would have been a lot sexier had our chihuahua not decided to rim his ass as he thrust into me, causing him to break out into a case of the giggles. FML

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By WhyM3Th0ugh - United States - Sunnyside

Today, one of my idiot classmates decided it was a good idea to throw his water bottle across the room to his friend. Unfortunately, I was sitting in front of his friend. I now have a very noticeable bruise and bump near my temple along with a headache. Everybody laughed at me. Even the teacher. FML

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By Pixie - United States - Mckenna

Today, I was asked if the reason I didn't like the new male massage therapist was because I was no longer the most muscular person in the spa. I'm a 5'4 woman and I don't work out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up very excited because I was going on my first date with this guy I really liked. I dressed very nicely and went to where we were supposed to meet. I waited for about 2 hours. I called him to ask him where he was. He got angry because he was still sleeping and I woke him up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was laundry day. After my fifth and final load, I noticed I never added any laundry detergent. FML

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By rileym797 - United States

Today, my wife took herself, the kids, and extended family members I've never even heard of to New York. She paid the 7,000$ bill with my credit card. FML

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By racking-leaves - United States

Today, after spending 3 hours raking leaves, I went to the store to get some supplies. I came back to find my neighbor had decided to blow his leaves all over my yard. FML

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By loserman - United States

Today, I accidentally deleted my entire email inbox. Everything from the last 3 years. EV-ER-Y-THING. FML

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By darianvilla - United States - College Park

Today, I was happy because my co-worker was almost about to get fired due to his lazy habits. It was all going so well. Then I accidentally put my biggest sale yet under his name. FML

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By ThatWasntFun - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I went to have a pre-cancerous mole removed off of my nose. When the doctor numbed my nose, she didn't check to see if the anesthetic actually worked, and began hacking away at my nose, leaving me to feel every last flick of the razor. Turns out I have an immunity to that anesthetic. FML

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By appleville - United States

Today, a customer at one of my tables left his phone number and a smiley face on the credit card slip. I was completely flattered until I looked at the bottom of the slip and realized that he had left me a $0.26 tip. FML

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By iloveyoutoomom - France

Today, my mom had an appointment with my teacher after class. She never showed. My teacher ended up driving me home. FML

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By involuntary waxing - Canada

Today, I started a new medication, not paying much notice to the one side effect: "unusual vaginal secretions". They're unusual alright, they glued my underwear to my skin. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's my 21st birthday. The only person who drank with me was my elementary school principal, who I happened to run into at a bar where we were the only two people there. FML

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By Mic - United States

Today, I was going over some paperwork with my back to my office door. As I turn around, my boss enters and says my name loudly. I was startled so bad that I jumped, yelped, and a high-pitched fart snuck out. Everyone in the office now gives prior notice before dropping by the "fart guy's" office. FML

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By creepingjennie - 5/6/2020 02:00

Droopy

Today, I learned that working while taking muscle relaxers is not as fun as it sounds. FML

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By not helping - 17/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Co-parenting

Today, I confiscated my daughter’s tablet, phone and laptop after I caught her exchanging nudes with boys. My ex then called me in a rage, threatening to take me to court over “stealing his belongings” since he purchased them. No concern for our daughter’s behavior, just him wanting the stuff. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#5658734 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 19:05

You only think you aren't dead...

By RodzillaX | 30

#5658736 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 19:05

It's going to be okay OP's ghost. You're in a confusing point in your afterlife. You lived a good life though.

COMMENTS

By perdix | 29

#5658731 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 19:04

Bruce Willis? Are you going back to school?

perdix | 29

#5658769 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 19:21

What? None of you have seen "The Sixth Sense?"

Oops! Well, now you don't have to. Sowwy ;(

HowieDoIt | 21

#5658775 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 19:22

My 6th sense is telling me people aren't catching the reference.

HowieDoIt | 21

#5658786 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 19:24

You also could be spoiling all the Die Hards, considering that series died years ago even though Bruce keeps pushing them out.

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5658878 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 20:17

Don't hate on my home boy Bruce. Do you not remember the katana scene in Pulp Fiction? Yippee Ki Yay Mother Fucker, with a sword and ball gag!

Tuffay | 14

#5658997 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 22:28

Do you see dead people when you look in the mirror?

By jojimugo | 20

#5658733 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 19:05

Ahhh the old you're dead routine ... Don't you hate when that happens

AbstraktThoughts | 13

#5658755 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 19:11

At least if you were in debt before, you're now debtless! ;)

jesustitts | 20

#5658960 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 21:54

I wonder if OP had life insurance, time to collect!

By Welshite | 39

#5658734 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 19:05

You only think you aren't dead...

s0m3guy2010 | 21

#5658942 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 21:33

OP isn't dead! You take one nap in a ditch somewhere, and then people start declaring he's dead this, he's dead that, or he's dead so now we can drop all of his college courses.