By i'm not psychic, mother fucker - Sweden - Uppsala

Bad timing

Today, I got a text message while driving home. I checked after arriving, and found it was a kinky text from my boyfriend, so I sent him an even kinkier reply. He later raged at me, because I somehow should have known he was showing off his phone to his mom when I sent my reply. FML

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Out of it

Nice parents you've got there…

Get your vaccinations if you can

By st3phani3b - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I'm stuck at home waiting on a plumber to come fix the flooding in my basement. The flooding happens when any sink, shower, or toilet in the house is used. Today is also the day that I started my period. Without water. FML

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By Megara - United States

Today, I was telling my dad about how I emasculated my guy friends because I can drive a stick shift while they can't. He said, "And you wonder why people think you're a lesbian." FML

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By unendowed - United States - Katy

Time consumed

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

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By me - United States - Wyandotte

Today, my husband and I were pulled over by a cop. He was still angry from our earlier argument over his constant freeloading, and when the cop told him we'd been doing 75 in a 55, he retorted, "Yeah? I did 75 in your mom last night, fuzzball." One more ticket I have to pay for. FML

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By ninja breakup?

Today, my boyfriend of six years came home wearing a ninja suit. When I asked why, he said "These are my breakup clothes. I'm breaking up with you." He then screamed, threw a plastic shuriken at me and ran away. It hit me in the breast. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2021 08:02 - Germany

Anxiety

Today, and for the last 5 days, I’ve been waking up between 5:30 and 6:30 a.m. Perfect time to get into work early, right? Except I’ve been unemployed for months and the one thing I’m trying to work on is my lack of sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Anyone for cake?

Today, it was my boyfriend's mom's surprise birthday party. I was sent to pick up the very expensive cake and dozens of balloons. Not only was it windy and the balloons flew away, I tripped and dropped the cake. In the driveway in front of all their family and friends. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom - Kingston Upon Thames

Today, I requested a pay rise at work. They said they couldn't do it as they have to cut costs, so I resigned. They've now re-advertised my job for more money than I asked for. FML

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By purrfect :/

Today, my future husband presented me with an engagement ring he had had engraved with the pet name he calls his cat. FML

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By toad - Canada

Today, I found my daughter on Facebook after years of looking for her after the divorce. It turns out it was my ex pretending to be my daughter so she could track me down. FML

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By VibeCheck

Hangover blues

Today, I woke up hungover and went to the kitchen for some food. I saw what I thought was a blueberry muffin. Halfway through eating it, I realized I couldn’t taste any blueberries, so I tried another one. I then remembered my dad telling me to throw out any old food we had. It was mould. FML

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By MgmEboy - Canada

Today, I saw a YouTube video of a guy scratching a knife and a screwdriver on his iPod, and at the end he showed how there were no scratches and the screen was still clean. I took my iPod touch and did the same with a knife. It didn't work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was supposed to give a presentation to the incoming freshman about the dangers of drinking in college. My co-presenter showed up drunk. FML

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By mandy - United States

Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. We were playing in the yard, when he fell and got a small scratch on his leg. I gasp, and he takes a huge breath in and yells, "FUUUCK!!!" as loud as possible. The parents thought it was me, and the mother slapped me in the face. FML

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By Patrick - 29/10/2020 03:08 - Trinidad and Tobago - Couva

What?

Today, my coworker got a raise by making our boss give me a pay cut for doing his job while he was slacking off. As we were heading home for the day, he found $100. FML

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By Ribbed for Her Disaster - United Kingdom - Orpington

Today, I was trying out my first vibrator. Soon enough, my 12-year-old sister opened my door, walked in, and saw me naked from the waist down. She laughed, called me a virgin, and left. FML

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By Aerostar - United States

Today, we had our divorce hearing and now it is final. As we were leaving the courthouse, I told my ex-wife how happy I was that we were finally free from each other. Then my junky old van wouldn't start and I had to beg her for a ride home. FML

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By far23 - United States

Today, I had a big party that left my house really messy. I spent hours cleaning the house until it was spotless. When my parents got home, my dad said "Did you have fun at the party?" and I said, "How'd you know?" and he replied "You hate cleaning and the house was filthy when we left". FML

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By Red-cheeked

Today, at work, somebody stole my sunglasses. Fed up with the constant theft in my office, I stormed up to my boss, as he had long ago promised to catch the thief. He listened patiently to my rant before pointing out that my sunglasses were on my head. FML

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By IHopeYourDogsGetDiarrheaAndPoopOnYourBed - Mauritius

Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister and me. FML

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By IAMALITAHA - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I had a job interview where I was interrupted for using the word creative because there is "only one creator". FML

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By moe - United States

Today, the man who has been my stepfather for six years, has forgotten how old I am. However, he remembers exactly how much my real father owes him for child support. FML

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By DocBastard, meet DocCunt - Australia - Sydney

Today, my surgeon was talking to me about my upcoming heart bypass operation. I was extremely nervous from the start, but he somehow managed to keep saying things like "death", "fatalities", "high-risk", and "never wake up" throughout. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a coworker asked me why this week's report was not uploaded to the server. I've been writing these reports once a week for a year and they take a whole day to write. Upload them to what server? FML

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By Trumpet

Today, my mom called me again to whine about what she heard about Trump on the news. I don't like him either and often agree with her, but she does this every 20 minutes so she can update with me. She's done this since he took office. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got married. I received a beautifully wrapped gift from my dad. I was full of excitement until I opened it and found two taxidermied rabbits. The ones I had when I was in the fifth grade. FML

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By skichick54 - United States

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Wheelers Hill

Today, I decided to dye my hair blue. The result is slightly different than I expected: my white bathroom is now blue, and so are my skin and nails. The only thing that isn't blue is my hair, which is now green. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a violent coughing fit while at the store, which caused a lady to think I was choking, grab me from behind and start doing the Heimlich maneuver incorrectly. She broke two of my ribs. FML

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By wrongcolorwrongcreed

Today, I went with my boyfriend of 10 months to rent a car, for which he needed his dad to sign for. To avoid introducing me, he banished me to the nearest airport terminal, and picked me up 45 minutes later, around 11:30 p.m. FML

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By superfkd - Canada

Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - ?kersberga

Today, I went on my first date in 8 years. While we were looking at the menu, the guy said: "So if you're vegetarian, why're you so fat?" FML

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By dragonstooth257

Today, I'm so bad at people skills when I got a call to set up a job interview, I weirded the lady out so much that she trailed off when talking about emailing me a time. This took 2 minutes to achieve. A new record. I still haven't got an email. FML

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By prettybich - United States

Today, I am severely hungover. Upon returning home, I came to find that both of the elevators were out of order. I live on the 12th floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2021 02:01

Eco-friendly

Today, my colleague heated 1,5 liters of water, waited visibly impatient the several minutes it took to boil, made himself one cup of tea, then poured the rest down the drain. Maximum amount of time and energy wasted in one go? Check. FML

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By indian:( - United States

Today, I realized that I hate lying to my mom about having a boyfriend. FML

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By stacyyvonne - United States

Today, I finally found the courage to tell my drug addict husband that I'm leaving him. He sat in his chair, denying using drugs, ever. Right after he said this, he passed out and spilled hot coffee on himself. He then denied spilling the coffee. As I was leaving, he took all of my shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I played Taboo with my boyfriend and my conservative family. It was my boyfriend's turn and his word was "cherry". His only clue to me was, "I popped your..." He was the only one who found it funny. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, three days before their rent was due, my fiancé's friends moved out of our basement without saying a word to us. On their way out, they took an envelope from my locked desk with $800 in it that was for our wedding in six months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I attended my son's Christmas concert. When I went to sit down in the last available seat, a woman said she was saving it for her husband. Having nowhere else to sit, I stood in the back, for an hour. The seat remained empty for the entire concert. FML

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Top comments

By TrinityisLife | 22

#5518468 - Monday 3 June 2013 5:26

So you forgot your crystal ball, too, huh? Don't you hate when that happens?

By Cristoforo | 17

#5518479 - Monday 3 June 2013 5:28

You could have turned his logic back at him and raged at him for should of knowing that you were driving when he sent that text, unsafe. (Again, I know that doesn't make sense but neither does his logic)

COMMENTS

By TrinityisLife | 22

#5518468 - Monday 3 June 2013 5:26

So you forgot your crystal ball, too, huh? Don't you hate when that happens?

Reply

life_sucks225 | 13

#5518497 - Monday 3 June 2013 5:32

HA, i like your comment ^

Reply

molzipan | 16

#5518512 - Monday 3 June 2013 5:36

thumb it up and move along, sir.

Reply

BulldogHoops | 14

#5518705 - Monday 3 June 2013 8:21

15- Thumb it up and move along, sir.

Reply

KrustyKrap | 5

#5518712 - Monday 3 June 2013 8:31

39 Ha! I like ur comment

Reply

Ins0mau | 20

#5518740 - Monday 3 June 2013 9:15

40 - Thumb it up and move along, sir.

Reply

slickchrome | 11

#5518742 - Monday 3 June 2013 9:22

42- I hate ur comment!

Reply

adam3650 | 12

#5518791 - Monday 3 June 2013 10:59

43 - Thumb it down and move along, sir.

Reply

ApollosMyth | 22

#5518945 - Monday 3 June 2013 14:45

Squidward - "I hate all of you."

Reply

DaftDude | 11

#5519387 - Monday 3 June 2013 21:56

54 - Thumb all the comments down and move along, sir.

Reply

jojj351 | 12

#5519405 - Monday 3 June 2013 22:28

walk in to see a bunch of people yelling with thumbs up and down everywhere, "what in God's name did I miss? Why is there a freaking talking squid?"

Reply

KawaiiCupcake | 14

#5520835 - Tuesday 4 June 2013 20:24

Not replying is a good idea. Don't text and drive!!

By Googolman | 29

#5518475 - Monday 3 June 2013 5:27

I see.

By kpc2424 | 13

#5518476 - Monday 3 June 2013 5:28

Ahhh. The joys of sexting...

By Cristoforo | 17

#5518479 - Monday 3 June 2013 5:28

You could have turned his logic back at him and raged at him for should of knowing that you were driving when he sent that text, unsafe. (Again, I know that doesn't make sense but neither does his logic)

Reply

Ian7890 | 23

#5518664 - Monday 3 June 2013 7:43

or that he should have known that op was going to send him a text when he was showing off his phone

By Jharrist89 | 12

#5518481 - Monday 3 June 2013 5:28

His fault for not warning you. Obviously he should be expecting one back at anytime. His fault.

By Chromax | 8

#5518489 - Monday 3 June 2013 5:30

On an all new episode of My Psychic Girlfriend…

Reply

guitarbeast | 22

#5518729 - Monday 3 June 2013 8:59

She's not psychic, mother fucker

Reply

Chromax | 8

#5518807 - Monday 3 June 2013 11:42

What?! Next, you'll be telling me My Psychic Girlfrind isn't even a real show! Anyway, give your mother your regards.

Reply

KLeePrice | 11

#5518963 - Monday 3 June 2013 14:59

41 was using op's name as a joke. I thought it was rather funny!

By AnthonyWheeler15 | 24

#5518495 - Monday 3 June 2013 5:32

Punch him for being an idiot.

By lordslaya53 | 14

#5518499 - Monday 3 June 2013 5:33

Well you OBVIOUSLY should've known. Unless you actually did know and you were trying to score a threesome

By Mmkay1515 | 21

#5518501 - Monday 3 June 2013 5:33

It's better to be embarrassed than dead.

Reply

Chromax | 8

#5518522 - Monday 3 June 2013 5:43

You should write eulogies.

Reply

lulubelles | 33

#5518687 - Monday 3 June 2013 8:06

Or fortune cookies.

By mixinitup | 12

#5518503 - Monday 3 June 2013 5:34

Yeah, What's wrong with you? You should know better than to not use your psychic visions before texting your boyfriend.