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By Anonymous - 28/06/2014 01:02 - United States - Imperial

Spicy

Today, I couldn't find my vibrator. After searching for an hour I decided to ask my husband. He quickly shook his head no. We've been married for ten years. I know when he's lying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 008

You deserved it 10 760

By Anonymous - 24/07/2019 00:01

Today, after a year of living with my girlfriend, I came to the conclusion that I'm never going to marry her. I packed my things, wished her well in her life, and loaded everything up into my car. It's been working fine up until this afternoon. Now it won't start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 848

You deserved it 796

By Asdf649 - 19/05/2012 04:17 - Canada - Burlington

Today, at my wedding, my husband's drunk friend admitted that the only reason my husband and I started dating was because he was dared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 506

You deserved it 2 654

Therapist from Wish

By Marie - 27/07/2019 14:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was talking to my online therapist about my problems with relationships, mainly that guys only want sex and don't listen to me. After I'd confided in him, and told him how I felt about my issues, he told me he would marry me and have my children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 023

You deserved it 248

By ava_henryy - 30/04/2013 08:04 - United States - Moses Lake

Today, I had to be rushed to the hospital when I started sneezing uncontrollably and got a huge rash. It turns out I'm highly allergic to a chemical in most cleaning supplies. Great. I just got a job as a house cleaner for a very rich family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 413

You deserved it 3 036

By Anonymous - 16/05/2012 21:56 - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 213

You deserved it 39 747

By Anonymous - 25/08/2015 17:44 - United Kingdom - Saint Leonards

Today, I shaved my pubes while staying at my senile grandma's place. I guess I didn't clean up properly, because she found some hair and insisted someone must have broken in while we were out and used the shower. I had to play along to spare myself embarrassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 626

You deserved it 7 263

By Anonymous - 07/09/2010 17:51 - Canada

Today, I was shopping in a store and an employee was mopping the floor. She mopped all around where I was standing then told me to wait until the floor dried to move. I had to go to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 600

You deserved it 6 446

By Anonymous - 13/08/2019 12:00 - United States

Today, I went to visit my grandmother. My grandfather recently died, so I had gotten her a cat for comfort. Turns out in her sadness, she had forgotten about the cat. I found its remains being eaten by ants and birds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 956

You deserved it 443

By ashleyrae - 29/06/2011 14:55 - United States

Today, my brother got a pet ferret. He told me it had a flexible spine, so I bent it backwards. It farted, and clawed my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 347

You deserved it 87 266

New to me

By MisterMisinformed - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey's stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 115

You deserved it 58 295

Not your fault

By Steve - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I had to explain to a customer how our hotel charged his card, even though he has never stayed with us. Apparently his wife is a regular customer. I can't help but feel like a homewrecker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 370

You deserved it 2 405

Perfect timing

By legotron - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I left work at 11pm. It was cold and dark, and I was anxious to get home, so I cut across some soccer fields to get to my car. About halfway across, the sprinklers came on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 810

You deserved it 8 994

By sadcapri96 - 23/06/2011 21:40 - United States

Today, the old lady I've been taking care of and running errands for died. She hadn't paid me yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 589

You deserved it 47 296

By vivelawank - 10/05/2014 20:52 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I realised the only preparation I've done for my final French exam has been wanking off to French porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 665

You deserved it 60 259

By K_M - 23/08/2010 04:18 - Malaysia

Today, I wanted to punish a student for being late. I decided to start a pop quiz before he arrived. I was positive there wasn't enough time for him to finish. He scored full marks and I couldn't say a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 259

You deserved it 75 849

Stickler for details

By notagyno - 29/03/2013 14:19 - Romania - Bucharest

Spicy

Today, I realized how badly medical education has ruined me when I couldn't enjoy erotic literature because of one subtle anatomy mistake the author made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 902

You deserved it 9 142

By Anonymous - 08/10/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 205

You deserved it 6 215

By Quackadoodledoo - 24/04/2014 02:21 - United Kingdom - Edgware

Today, I was on the London underground reading a newspaper. A huge guy was sitting next to me and there weren't many other people around. As I turned a page, he leaned into me, glaring, and said, "I'm not finished yet". At the next stop I put down the paper and jumped off. It wasn't even my stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 205

You deserved it 5 406

By toilet_trouble - 19/04/2014 07:44 - United States

Today, after living in my apartment for nearly a year, I heard my neighbor having a violent toilet session. Now I realize he's always been able to hear the wrath of my bowels too. We wave at each other every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 368

You deserved it 4 647

toilet_trouble tells us more.

toilet_trouble 5

Monday 21 April 2014 9:49

Hi. Some of your comments really made me laugh! So, it surprised me I heard him because I've never heard anything other than a vacuum or water in the pipes. This just made me aware he can probably hear a lot more than I previously thought.. Luckily I don't have loud bathroom trips often. I definitely regretted the super loud fart I ripped about 5 minutes prior to hearing him though. :p Anyway, neighbor acts cool so all is well!

Not now!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Arlington

Spicy

Today, I realized that the smell of chlorine has started to turn me on, probably because my girlfriend has an indoor pool in her house. Guess who works as a swim instructor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 827

You deserved it 6 715

Happy Mother's Day

By ImScrewed - 10/05/2021 11:01 - United States

Today, I had my husband’s family over. Our adopted 4 year-old daughter drew a cute card and gave it to me saying, "Happy Mother’s Day mommy! I love you." My mother-in-law scoffed, "She’s infertile and not even your real mom, but ok." Now our daughter won’t stop asking all sorts of questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 060

You deserved it 121

By Jake Whitte - 06/06/2011 13:50 - United States

Today, I changed the date of my birthday to today on Facebook to see how many people actually know my birthday. My mom wished me a happy birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 687

You deserved it 15 779

By Toothless_Lasagna - 15/10/2017 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and roommate got into a fist fight over a magic trick. They ended up putting a huge hole in the wall that's going to be expensive to fix. We're renting my boss's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 462

You deserved it 441

By Anonymous - 21/03/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I got hypnotized in front of my entire school. Once I was hypnotized the guy told me that the hottest celebrity in the world was in the audience and then he told me to point out who I saw. I said I saw Mick Jagger. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 804

You deserved it 10 419

Ol' Blue Eyes

By britt93 - 26/09/2019 00:01

Today, I learned that if you sing along with an old Frank Sinatra song, the elderly who hear you will want to talk to you about things you have no idea about, for a very long time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 277

You deserved it 412

Sob story

By marisacb - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. Depressed, I started telling her about my terrible week. A woman came over and asked me to not be so "whiny and negative" in front of her children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 621

You deserved it 7 841

By Anonymous - 10/03/2013 22:37 - United States - Denison

Today, my boyfriend drove me back home. My dad was sitting on the porch in his underwear, with his shotgun in his lap. He stroked the gun, looked my boyfriend dead in the eyes, and slowly shook his head. Now my boyfriend refuses to see me for his own safety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 199

You deserved it 4 404

#1 Dad!

By Anonymous - 03/10/2019 04:00 - United States - Boston

Today, I told my fiancé he needed to spend at least one night a week at home with his daughter or we will pack up and leave. He responded by getting a suitcase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 943

You deserved it 371

By missionfailed - 01/11/2017 05:26

Today, I took my dog back to the vet because her face was completely swollen and her stomach was bright red and blotchy. It's obviously the medication she just started, but my vet doesn't believe dogs have allergic reactions. It's the only vet in the area. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 413

You deserved it 217

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The Top

The Top

Today, after learning that my wife has been cheating on me, I decided to distract myself by playing The Sims. Not long after I began, my Sim's wife basically started cheating on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 635

You deserved it 6 246

Today, after being admitted to the emergency room for severe abdominal pain, my boyfriend shouted out in front of my parents, "At least she isn't pregnant!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 614

You deserved it 3 428

Today, I rear-ended a car while I was texting about the accident ahead which was causing all the traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 511

You deserved it 92 636

Today, I was working in the produce department at my work. A lady came in to return some mangos. I asked her what the problem with the mangoes was. She said she didn't like the way they were talking to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 399

You deserved it 124

Today, I was on my way to work and wearing a tank top when I suddenly walked through 10 feet of sprinklers and got completely soaked. A cop flagged me down in front of a bunch of people, because apparently I matched the description of a "suspect". He stared at my boobs the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 975

You deserved it 183

Today, I realized why my sister has had so many fluids coming out of her, yet I was sick too and nothing was coming out. It's because everything I ate in the past 72 hours was piling up in my ass, and just came out as a monster 5 times bigger than normal, and left my ass on fire for 45 minutes straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 886

You deserved it 162