Animals: Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 328

You deserved it 87

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 1 178

03/03/2011 11:20

Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 199

You deserved it 6 266

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Leave us alone

Too much meat on my hands

03/08/2012 14:52

Today, I took my first fare as a qualified taxi-driver. The pride soon diminished as I was forced to listen to my passenger give a greatly detailed description of his recent colonoscopy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 576

You deserved it 2 440

Creeped out

By shawty - 22/08/2010 12:14

Spicy

Today, I heard my mother and father having sexual intercourse, and I found out that my mother moans the same way as my girlfriend. Guess who I now think about every time my girlfriend moans? FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 048

You deserved it 6 430

19/09/2009 06:35

Today, I went on a date with the girl I like to a skating rink. On the ride home she put her arm around me. Her armpits stank and I smelt them the whole hour and a half drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 313

You deserved it 9 721

Impatience

By Anonymous - 15/05/2020 02:00

Today, my dad asked me to help him buy a laptop by searching online. He explicitly said, "When you have time." I decided to shower as I had just woken up. While showering, I was startled by loud banging and my dad angrily asking why I wasn't looking for his laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 588

You deserved it 115

04/02/2015 21:49

Today, I paid a local homeless man to rake the leaves in my yard. After paying and driving him to the bus stop, I found his shit on my back porch. I need new shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 573

You deserved it 3 820

27/06/2015 00:57

Today, I realized I need to get my life together after spilling ramen while taking a bath, again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 101

You deserved it 7 378

18/12/2010 00:02

Today, I called my boyfriend's job to ask him a question. His co-worker answered the phone, and when I asked for my boyfriend, he assumed I was someone else. Who exactly would that someone else be? FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 061

You deserved it 3 823

17/10/2015 12:29

Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting me dirty looks, being rude to me, and generally trying to avoid me. It's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and she thinks people like me are Nazis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 867

You deserved it 1 728

The key to happiness

By Luke - 25/07/2010 22:47

Today, I was helping a friend move. Before we arrived, he put his key on my key ring to keep it safe. When we got there, he promptly shoved my front door key into the lock and snapped it clean off. Not only can we not get into his house, but now I can't get back into mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 750

You deserved it 4 065

01/07/2019 02:10

Today, I was trying to fall asleep. Unfortunately, my next-door neighbor's baby began to cry. I closed the window and rolled over, unable to hear the crying anymore. My dog's hearing is better than mine, and so he started barking. Goodbye, good night's sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 542

You deserved it 157

What a wuss

By Furbabies - 10/05/2021 06:01

Today, a few few friends, along with my long-time crush of mine came over to my house so we could finish a school project. As soon as he stepped into my house, he went pale, turned heel, and refused to step foot in my house. Why? Because the bison taxidermy above my fireplace scares him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 767

You deserved it 391

21/08/2010 19:20

Today, my hours got cut because I couldn't make it into work when they called me in. Why couldn't I make it in? I was in an interview for a better job. I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 675

You deserved it 18 012

11/07/2013 06:26

Today, I came home at 1am to find my mom sitting on my couch, ranting about how I'm not supposed to stay up this late. I'm 26 and I don't know how she got into my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 560

You deserved it 4 019

06/11/2008 09:38

Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 334

You deserved it 6 020

17/02/2011 05:58

Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 791

You deserved it 4 133

01/11/2012 23:11

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 509

You deserved it 2 701

22/11/2009 20:23

Today, I got a text from a woman containing many naked pictures of her. Apparently she meant to send those to her boyfriend whose number is one digit from mine. The bad part? My girlfriend was using my phone when I received that message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 514

You deserved it 2 964

25/12/2017 15:00

Today, I was in a huge traffic jam with my boyfriend due to heavy snowfall. After being in the car for 4 hours, we were stuck in a tunnel with hundreds of cars behind and in front of us. Then the diarrhea hit. I had to shit in a plastic bag in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 460

You deserved it 359

18/01/2009 00:40

Today, I got an email notification from Yahoo! Personals: "Hi, we've found 0 new matches for you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 938

You deserved it 2 849

05/10/2015 21:02

Today, my dentist and his hygienist were flirting while they worked on my mouth. I didn't really mind, however I definitely minded when the hygienist pierced my gum with her tool because she was laughing at one of his jokes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 798

You deserved it 1 426

19/08/2009 17:23

Today, I thought I saw a snake while I was watering. I got my son to check it out and he agreed too. I was nervous so I called animal control, and they said it would cost $50 just for them to come out, I agreed. It ends up I paid $50 for them to pick up an old diamond weave farmer's hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 534

You deserved it 42 732

23/08/2011 14:46

Spicy

Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 086

You deserved it 6 383

Spreading

By Anonymous - 16/07/2021 18:01

Today, I found out that my best friend and I are pregnant. This would be much more exciting if my boyfriend wasn’t the father of both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 243

You deserved it 136

12/08/2018 08:30

Today, my ex showed up to pick up our kids in her brand new car. Last month child support doubled my amount because of a paperwork error. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 915

You deserved it 325

22/12/2010 07:54

Today, I found out that if I try to resist a 70 pound bulldog that's humping my leg, I will end up with stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 175

You deserved it 3 237

Inexplicable

By omnomnom - 24/07/2021 06:01

Today, my son asked me if a video of a flame on a computer actually gives off heat like a fireplace. He was serious. He's 17 and inexplicably has straight A's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 816

You deserved it 122

09/12/2010 12:19

Today, I wanted to send a birthday card. I kindly asked my boss for an envelope, and she asked me to pay for it. I've been working for her as an intern for over a year now, without receiving any money for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 397

You deserved it 4 295

09/05/2014 22:03

Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I jumped out of bed in panic and rushed into the bathroom, only to see my sister limping around in the nude. She'd just jumped out of the shower because someone had flushed the toilet downstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 228

You deserved it 4 298

20/06/2013 05:49

Today, I was eating lunch when my grandmother came over and started watching me. Suddenly she said, "I see you're getting breasts". I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 325

You deserved it 8 422

13/02/2017 12:00

Today, I was tailgated by a car with his high beams on for an hour. Any time I changed my speed or lane, he would do the same. I finally managed to get away from him because a cop pulled me over and gave me a speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 057

You deserved it 895

20/04/2011 15:25

Today, it's been 5 years I've been working for a man that won't admit he has Tourette's. He sits at his desk, twitching his head and hissing like a snake. He's also randomly said things like 'nipples', 'Jessica Simpson', 'potato peeler', etc. I feel like it's become my job to warn new employees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 124

You deserved it 4 716

14/05/2011 13:32

Today, I found there was a 4 year old boy behind me on my flight. When I looked at him, he screamed playfully and hid. I decided to play tiger with him. While I was grinning like a tiger and trying to scratch him, he smashed a water bottle across my face. I now have a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 070

You deserved it 37 727

20/11/2010 15:46

Today, I took my driver's test. I was so nervous that I peed my pants halfway through the exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 085

You deserved it 17 196

Quit while you're ahead

By Anonymous - 13/07/2021 05:01

Today, I'm an executive at a startup game studio, making only $18,000 a year after 3 years of helping build the company. I was promised a raise once we secured our Seed B funding. So, after our investors backed us for $4.5 million recently, I followed up with the CEO about this. He responded by sending me a troll face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 113

You deserved it 101

Look who's talking

By Anonymous - 10/09/2021 18:01

Today, my ex asked me to help her with a payment for a loan she had to pay, which she'd forgot she had to pay. I told her I needed to go to bank, and was busy at the moment. She told me that I needed to be more organized in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 994

You deserved it 145

24/06/2019 07:04

Today, my high point was still being able to recite all 151 generation one Pokémon in order, from memory. I need a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 297

You deserved it 574

22/07/2009 22:36

Today, at the dentist, the new, rather airy assistant went to prep me for an extraction. She began pulling on something in my mouth, and a moment later, I felt intense pain and then the wetness of blood. She was trying to pull out "that weird wire thing". In other words, my permanent retainer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 155

You deserved it 2 801

25/06/2009 05:02

Today, while at football practice, my teammates and I were on water break. At the bus barn next to the field, a good-looking girl was washing a bus. Some of the guys started to yell pick-up lines at her from 50 yards away, and pretty soon I chime in. She turns around. It was my younger sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 171

You deserved it 73 366

Dad priorities

By hellishome - 29/09/2019 00:01

Today, as he was going out, I asked my father if he stop by the store and buy some tampons for me and toilet paper for the house, because we have been out for the last 5 days. He came home with a 30-pack of beer and cigarettes instead. I just started my time of the month and we have no more money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 219

You deserved it 167

13/07/2009 03:15

Today, a couple came into the gas station where I work to ask for directions. While I was giving the woman directions (and even writing them down to be as helpful as possible), the man stole my wallet out of my purse that was sitting on the other end of the counter behind a display. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 588

You deserved it 7 719

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 16:10

A machete really? Where do you think you are, in the fucking jungle?

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 16:21

Alternatively, whoever was there heard a dog lose its mind, saw the house lights come on, a guy stumble around, pick up a machete and head for the yard, then unsurprisingly decided not to stick around and see what happened next. Buy your dog a big bone.

Comments

hipposrock101 6

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 16:04

lol that's funny but I'd kill him

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 16:09

hahahahahahaha damn dooooog! :)

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 19:18

lol

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 22:02

GHOST PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

Send a private message

Friday 4 March 2011 1:34

sounds like he was jus being a normal dog. the person is hella overreacting and this shouldn't b on fml

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 16:10

A machete really? Where do you think you are, in the fucking jungle?

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 17:17

His name is panda, so maybe...

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 17:21

Could be a wolf.. You gonna take that thing on?

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 18:36

maybe hes Danny Trejo

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 20:47

omg funniest costume ever

Send a private message

Friday 4 March 2011 5:52

I do the same thing with a machete. They look intimidating. Not to mention they are good to have around for the impending zombie apocalypse.

Send a private message

Saturday 5 March 2011 10:33

rofl.

Send a private message

Sunday 12 June 2011 5:13

Hey, machete's are badass, and nothing can change that.

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 16:11

*Troll face* Problem owner?

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 16:17

or your house may have entities in it. animals are more sensitive to paranormal stuff.

Send a private message

Monday 7 March 2011 13:06

yes, and 3am is prime time...

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 16:19

u may have a ghost hun.

ShatteredDreams8 0

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 19:00

no

TomPusslicker 21

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 21:13

Or the house may have entities....Did you know animals are more aware of stuff thats paranormal? lol

tona01 16

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 22:46

poltergeist tun tun tuuuuun

Send a private message

Friday 4 March 2011 7:44

Yes, my dogs tell me when unicorns, pixies and wizards are near by.

Send a private message

Monday 7 March 2011 11:33

"or you may have entities" says tompusslicker... more like tomNOpusslicker

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 16:21

Alternatively, whoever was there heard a dog lose its mind, saw the house lights come on, a guy stumble around, pick up a machete and head for the yard, then unsurprisingly decided not to stick around and see what happened next. Buy your dog a big bone.

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 18:33

Here, here! My dog is the same way. He stays inside at night but doesn't make any noise unless something's going on outside the house... Love that big knucklehead of a dog of my.

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 18:35

Smart person, then. I mean, who would try to steal a house when you saw the owner grab a machete? You gotta be chuck norris-ing me.

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 18:45

Quick question... How do you "steal" a house? :/ I mean first, you'd have to lift it from it's foundation... Yada, yada, so on and so forth.. Hehe.

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 19:02

sicoftgsht shut up man no1 gives a shit, everyone with common sense knows what he meant.

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 19:36

Lighten up, it was a damn joke.

Send a private message

Friday 4 March 2011 4:16

some people don't have a sense of humor. lol

woosah 16

Send a private message

Friday 4 March 2011 8:26

can u jam out #51?.... anyone can see they were joking..... common sense.

Send a private message

Saturday 19 May 2012 5:45

Shhh... My common sense is tingling

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 16:22

Or, maybe, the intruder actually left the yard as the dog started "going nuts". Sure as hell if I was ever to intrude, and a big dog started barking his head off, I'm not going to stay on the premises and hide under a shrub!

TomPusslicker 21

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 21:19

i completely agree, and sticking with the unoriginal train, due south to buttfuck, Idaho....he should buy that dog a big bone.

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 16:42

really? A spoon would have been better

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 17:26

You read my mind..... A spoon would most definitely be the first thing I would go for to defend myself... On the other hand, maybe I'd whip out a stuffed animal and throw marshmellows at the burglar.

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 18:16

lmao

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 18:38

You know, a gun does wonders for home defense... Just sayin'.

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 20:37

agree. I live in Texas and every one has a gun. shit i got 4. never been broken into but just in case.

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 21:41

Texas native as well, my friend. And a proud owner of a safe full of noise makers... I'm not afraid of a home invasion. If my dog can't take care of a person breaking into my home and risking the lives of my family, I will. Gotta protect your own, right?

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 22:38

Teh hell, i'd grab my pillow and bitch-slap the thief with it.

Send a private message

Friday 4 March 2011 5:01

It will find you... it will catch you... it will hit you... with a spoon! Again... and again...

Send a private message

Friday 4 March 2011 8:44

yeah... I'll stick with the firearms. granted I have a machete too... but I still think I'll use the guns if absolutely necessary.

Send a private message

Saturday 5 March 2011 6:46

67&79 LOLOL WIN

ENLT 6

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 16:47

or maybe you're just paranoid?

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 16:50

youre way too paranoid.