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By Anon - 28/04/2016 20:27 - United States - Henderson

Today, I went on a first date with my crush. Turns out we only have one thing in common: we would both bang Hillary Clinton. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 202

You deserved it 4 642

Three is the magic number

By KTBeck - 26/05/2020 14:00

Spicy

Today, my husband returned from a hiking trip. We had "I missed you" sex and after we were done, he told me about all the ticks he had while on the trail. He then went to shower and while washing, he found a tick latched to his penis. I technically had a three way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 807

You deserved it 382

Adding insult to injury

By Anonymous - 01/09/2021 13:01

Today, working on an ambulance, we had an elderly man who was obviously scared, so to get his mind off things I made small talk. When I went to ask if he was retired, it came out as, "so Steve, are you retarded?" My partner/supervisor across from me had tears running down her face from trying not to laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 223

Time to go wireless

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, while trying to open the packaging to my new headphones, I got startled by my cat suddenly meowing, and cut through the headphone wire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 368

You deserved it 3 493

By bbt - 18/08/2018 22:00

Today, out of the 35 people invited, only one person showed up to my bridal shower. It was my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 368

You deserved it 345

By Mamallama - 19/08/2018 13:00

Today, I leaned down to pick up my infant son from his highchair. He reached up and grabbed the first thing available to him: my nipple. I got purple-nurpled by my baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 360

You deserved it 411

By mastermind - 22/08/2018 23:30

Today, in an attempt to keep a conversation flowing, I panicked and asked a man what country he was from in response to him telling me he was Brazilian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 344

You deserved it 751

By bride - 14/02/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 055

You deserved it 10 090

Delayed proposal

By Anonymous - 18/07/2020 23:02

Today, my girlfriend found the engagement ring I bought and assumed it was a late birthday present. She’s now wearing it on her right hand like a signet ring and she somehow hasn’t figured out it’s a diamond and not a Swarovski. I'm now waiting for her to figure it out before I pop the question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 791

You deserved it 417

What the hell

By paula.isabel - 09/09/2018 20:30

Today, I was in a car crash. While I was being immobilised by the paramedics to be taken to the nearest hospital, the passenger of the other car, who didn't have a single scratch, touched my shoulder and said, "It doesn't matter, nobody got hurt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 279

You deserved it 185

By toomuchwork - 13/09/2018 01:30

Today, as I was leaving for a 2-week vacation after working my ass off for 2 years, my area manager handed me a project. It's a 3-week job, and he told me he needs it when I get back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 142

You deserved it 174

Heavy load

By Anon - 18/12/2019 14:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that when I orgasm, I sound like I'm choking. Only I'm not choking, I'm just getting the wind knocked out of me by his weight when he is on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 298

You deserved it 398

By Anonymous - 28/10/2012 16:44 - United States

Today, over a family dinner, my husband and I told everyone that I'm pregnant. My father frowned and said, "Again?", my 9-year-old daughter started crying, and her brother smirked and yelled, "Up the ass, no babies!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 093

You deserved it 6 178

By ReComatosed242 - 09/03/2016 00:29 - Bahamas - Eleuthera

Today, my co-worker and I got into an argument. It ended with him threatening me to roll my balls with a paint roller until they looked like "fresh, popping doughs". FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 979

You deserved it 1 411

Baby Bird

By bird problems - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, since I've been paying attention to my newborn, my pet cockatoo learned to cry like the baby on the middle of the night. I haven't gotten more than four hours of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 627

You deserved it 2 827

Sorry

By sqquish - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Smithfield

Today, while visiting my boyfriend to see his new puppies, I squatted down to pet one. The other began to lick my ankles profusely until I lost my balance and fell on him, breaking his leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 613

You deserved it 4 850

By danny - 10/10/2018 12:00

Today, while working at a chain restaurant, I forgot to charge someone a few dollars for extra toppings on the side. My stingy boss took the time to take that money out of my paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 841

You deserved it 646

By geekpower - 29/02/2016 09:59 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I attended a TEDx conference. The woman sitting next to me spent the whole time picking her nose, playing with the retrieved contents, and sticking her hand down her pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 279

You deserved it 1 500

geekpower_fml tells us more.

geekpower_fml 28

Tuesday 1 March 2016 21:03

OP here to answer a few questions that have come up. I spent the whole time inching away but she didn't seem to realise there was anything wrong. Also no I did not call her out because she was 10 years older than me, twice my size both vertically and horizontally, and accompanied by her husband. Also I'm a coward and socially awkward and tend to avoid confrontation wherever possible. Seats at the TEDx were assigned and I paid for nice stall seats, I wasn't going to move. Even if I wanted to, the place was packed with 1800 people so there was nowhere to go. To whoever said she wasn't interested in the conference, it seems like she was. It was actually quite annoying because she kept making comments out loud throughout the talks: "Cool!", "Wow!", "Who'd have guessed?!". Which in itself is rude because talks are about listening and not interfering with the experience people around you are having. Any other questions, feel free to ask!

By Anonymous - 26/02/2016 20:22 - South Africa - Port Elizabeth

Today, my mum wants me to see a psychologist because I've been acting strange lately. If by "strange" she means "not wanting to die any more", then sure. But thanks, I could've used that psychologist 3 years ago when I asked for one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 157

You deserved it 1 399

By Murphy's law - 13/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was working on my laptop when the screen suddenly turned red. I was shocked since it's not that old, but my insurance just expired. On my way to the service I was thinking, "At least my car works!" Well... A few hours later, my car broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 381

You deserved it 181

Tracked

By bitch - 27/08/2020 08:02 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I noticed that on the calendar in my boyfriend’s apartment, for every week of the months when I have my period are coloured in red and over them, in block capitals, he has written 'BEWARE'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 210

You deserved it 776

By lel - 06/11/2018 13:30

Today, I got a blue screen of death on my brand new computer. Why? My parents installed an "anti-virus" before I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 033

You deserved it 253

By Dgama - 17/11/2018 22:00 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I went to see my new boyfriend play in a band. I found out that groupies don't like even bass players having girlfriends. I was attacked by one because he smiled at me from the stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 684

You deserved it 172

By WickedLittleDoll - 01/12/2014 16:38 - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I realized my anger management has hit a new low when I screamed at a goose for being a goose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 656

You deserved it 8 919

The wizard

By Anonymous - 01/12/2018 14:00

Today, we had our busiest day at work all year with lots of angry people calling, and a co-worker called in sick. I went to my local game shop after work, exhausted and upset, and guess who was at his usual table running a Dungeons and Dragons group, apparently not too sick to go out. Yeah. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 132

You deserved it 201

By Really - 15/01/2016 16:25 - United States - Butte

Today, I told my mother that, after years of cheating and abuse, I'm finally getting a divorce. Her reaction was deep concern that my husband might not want to "be friends" with the rest of the family any more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 427

You deserved it 1 569

By DeadlyKitten - 20/02/2017 12:00 - United States - Springfield

Today, my cat followed me into the bathroom. While I was showering, he knocked over the storage shelf behind the toilet. The shelf was the perfect length to wedge the shower door completely closed. No one was home so I had to climb over my tall shower door all slippery and naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 182

You deserved it 725

By barri - 16/12/2009 07:28 - Costa Rica

Today, both of my grandparents died in a car accident. My Mom and Dad thought it would make me feel better to know they were not my real grandparents, because I'm adopted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 341

You deserved it 2 832

By Anonymous - 06/12/2015 09:58 - United States - Asheville

Today, at work, my vindictive, cheating ex made me clean and inspect her new wedding ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 322

You deserved it 2 223

By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I was in a meeting at work. In the middle of our CEO's speech, I farted. Everyone heard including my boss, who looked over and said, "Do you have anything else you wanted to add?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 001

You deserved it 25 541

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Today, I had to feed an elderly man in the care home in which I work while he was whacking off. Our work policy states that I have to pretend not to notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 811

You deserved it 4 761

Today, only after I almost knocked myself out cold with the shampoo bottle, did I finally get some out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 372

You deserved it 6 087

Today, my mother had to take a stool sample because she has been ill for several days. Curious, I eventually had to ask, "How did you intercept the poo before it got submerged in water?" She yelled from the other room, "You know that little plate with the red stripe?" I was eating off it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 715

You deserved it 7 676

Today, I attended a speed dating evening. After 7 minutes, the girl told me she wasn't interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, she answered: "When you said 'Hello'. Goodbye". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 307

You deserved it 2 466

Today, is the day I got my first tattoo. It's also the day where my mom screamed at me, gave me the silent treatment, and kicked me out of the house. Apparently I’m not considered her daughter anymore, because my skin is “damaged” now. I don’t have other family anywhere, and I have nowhere to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 445

You deserved it 582

Today, I had to go to my parents' house and interrupt their "private time" to tell them that grandpa is in the emergency room. For those of you who are wondering if it gets any less traumatizing and/or awkward as an adult: it doesn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 420

You deserved it 107