Transportation: Today, the university bike permit that I'd ordered half a year... - FML

By walkingisfun

Today, the university bike permit that I'd ordered half a year ago finally arrived. Unfortunately, my bike was stolen months ago. FML

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Dangling modifier

There's no helping some people

Good samaritan

By why me? - United States - Tulsa

Today, my roommate decided that because she has an oral report due, she's going to scream at the top of her lungs until she loses her voice to get out of it. It's been two hours and she refuses to stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2020 02:02 - United States - New York

Stable genius

Today, I went on a short date with a new girl in the office, who everyone thought was a tad bit odd. Also today, she showed me the names of our future children. FML

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By Angel

Today, while out to dinner with my adult daughter, I told her I look at her Twitter because it helped me to feel close to her since she rarely calls or visits. When I got home from dinner and looked at her Twitter, she had set it to private. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that the only things I gained from my Masters programs are more debt and the knowledge that you can use a semicolon in a list. FML

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By Anon - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am feeling freezing cold and soaking wet. It turns out that my dad had opened my window when I was sleeping, and rain water had been pouring in on me all night. My hair, face, pillow, blankets, alarm clock, and homework were all soaked as well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, when I lifted myself up a little bit. What I was not prepared for was my boyfriend leaning down to kiss my neck. We collided heads, hard. FML

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By nkotz - United States

Today, I felt like going to the gym. I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to come with me. She screamed at me for supposedly implying that she's fat. No, I just wanted to go to the gym with someone. FML

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By AmyLeigh - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took my puppy for a walk around town. I had to stop and explain to several people that yes, his head was purple because my little sister wanted to make him look like a Na'vi from Avatar. FML

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By Alan - Germany

Today, I agreed to stay a week with my wife's parents, who she told me were traditional Japanese. I was prepared for having to wear Japanese clothes while in the house, but I wasn't prepared for communal bathing in the same huge bath with her father, grandfather, uncle and two brothers. FML

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By dumb cats - 24/10/2020 05:01 - United States - Victorville

No, Drake, no

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking near a pond when we saw a drake forcefully mating with a duck. She burst into tears and demanded I stop them. When I told her no, that it’s just nature and thats how they breed, she dumped me for supporting and "enabling rape." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Meredith

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by vaulting over the side of a stairway rail parkour-style. Now I feel like I almost broke my legs, and judging by her hysterical laughter, she considers me more of a fool than a stud. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I was cleaning up rabbit pee from the floor when my rabbit hopped up to me. To prevent her from standing in it and spreading it throughout the room, I shooed her away. She got such a fright that she jumped in the pee and spattered it all over my clothes and face. FML

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By nozVail - United States

Today, I drove to my cousin's house so he could help me fix my broken tail light. On the way there, I got pulled over for having a broken tail light. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to evening Mass. I later found that sometime between entering the church and receiving Communion, someone had snatched my iPhone straight out of my handbag. FML

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By chestycough - Australia - Belrose

Today, my doctor asked me to undo my bra so he could check my breathing without the straps restricting my lungs, I got home and told my friends how awkward it was. Not one of them has had this happen to them before. We all go to the same doctor. FML

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By FingerBang - Australia

Today, whilst holding a hand rail on a packed bus, I was rubbing my hand along, and playing with, what I thought was a join in the metal. It was an old woman's finger. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 11:02 - United States - Kenton

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Today, I had a family reunion and there were a lot of people there that I didn't know. The person that I'd been sleeping with for about 7 months showed up. He's my cousin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go through the embarrassment and pain of telling my parents I was pregnant. I took the test and it came out positive and I was freaking out. I got grounded for the rest of the year and they're really disappointed in me. Five minutes ago, I got my period. FML

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By benander - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom defecating when I felt something hanging there. I reached back with toilet paper and starting pulling it out inch by inch; 3 feet later I learned I had a tapeworm. Worst of all, no pharmacy has the med the doctor prescribed. I have to live with this thing until the med gets here. FML

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By birthday girl - Australia

Today, it was my birthday. My mom didn't buy me a present, throw a party, or acknowledge the event in any way. Last week it was our dog's birthday, which included a party for all the neighbourhood dogs, and a cake for our dog, made out of bacon. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2021 13:03 - Panama - Cuba

Prepare to be dumped

Today, my boyfriend blackmailed me for nudes. When I told his mother, he convinced her it was a joke, and both were laughing at me for being "paranoid". He now wants me to apologise for "ruining his day". FML

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By everythingWASperfect - Canada

Today, at work, I accidentally walked into a meeting at which the whole company was there but me. The meeting was about how they could legally fire me while paying as little severance as possible. I'm the CEO and the founder of the company. FML

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By Jules - 23/12/2020 11:01 - Germany

Merry Christmas

Today, I'm unemployed and just had to move. My country’s unemployment agency considers that the ideal moment to invite me for a talk about my job search activities is smack dab in the middle of Christmas vacation, while I’m still busy unpacking moving boxes. FML

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By bingalingading - United States - Owosso

Today, I was working at a donation center. I was having a really rough day, so my fiancée dropped me off some cookies. At the end of my shift, the manager told me I couldn't take them home because they were donated and therefore they were "company property." FML

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By lily - 13/9/2020 14:01 - United States

Disinterested

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I slightly opened my eyes during it and saw him with his eyes wide open, watching TV. FML

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By pale-suzie - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I was fired over the phone, losing my only source of income. When asked if I was okay, I explained that although I understood why, I was a little peeved they'd chosen my birthday to deliver the message. My - now former - boss then sang "Happy Birthday" to me in its entirety. FML

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By AHole - United States - Grand Forks

Today, the car in front of me in the drop-off area at my son's school parked, and the driver got out. I basically leaned on my horn and gave her every dirty look in the book. She said nothing but stared at me as she opened the back of her van to unload her child's wheelchair. I'm an asshole. FML

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By moneyman22 - United States

Little shit

Today, I was asked to take care of my 3 year-old little brother. After 15 minutes of him screaming and me trying to keep him entertained, he started throwing his toy cars at me. He hit me in the mouth, and I started to bleed. My parents yelled at me for "not controlling him." FML

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By holler - Japan

Today, I had my parents over at my new apartment. As I was telling them how quiet and peaceful my new place is, we could hear my neighbors talking nasty to each other before launching into a full-blown sex ordeal. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2021 15:30 - United States - Putney

Deadlines whooshing by

Today, my Computer Science professor posted an assignment that's due right before our Monday class… on Monday morning. I wouldn't have even thought to check for assignments this morning if he hadn't done the same thing last week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to visit my grandmother. My grandfather recently died, so I had gotten her a cat for comfort. Turns out in her sadness, she had forgotten about the cat. I found its remains being eaten by ants and birds. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to use anti-perspirant deodorant under my breasts. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I gave my friend a ride to town so she wouldn't have to pay the $10 to park. While waiting to pick her up, I grabbed a bite to eat. Upon returning to my car, I found a $55 parking ticket on my windshield. FML

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By chloeleigholivia - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, being the clean freak that I am, I bought an expensive pair of 'mop socks'. As I walked upstairs to show everyone, I slipped on the corner of the bottom step and landed on my face, breaking my toe in the process. FML

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By Pouya - United States

Today, it was my first day as a promoted manager. I got fired for being late. FML

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By Lyingg - United Kingdom

Today, I had a job interview. The only moment I impressed the interviewer was when I talked about drama. He started to talk about a play I hadn't seen, but I decided to agree on everything he was saying. Suddenly he said, "the play doesn't actually exist." I silently left the room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wheatland

Today, I tried talking to my wife about our sexless marriage. Her only response was to toss me a sock and say "Knock yourself out, fuckstick." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sitting at a lunch table with some of my coworkers when one of them decided to put out his cigarette on the table and missed. I now have a nice burn mark on my hand. Did he say sorry? No. "Your hand shouldn't have been there." FML

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By anon - United States - Dallas

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to sext before going to sleep. It was very late, but I said I'd stay up for him. He sent a text asking me if I was ready. Me replying "yes" was the last thing I remember before I fell asleep on my horny boyfriend. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I decided to clean my room, find a job and ask a girl on a date. I ended up playing video games online. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7478968 - Sunday 2 July 2017 20:14

At least you can rest assured that the thief is not authorized to ride that bike on campus.

Karma's a bitch, but this time she is working for you;)

By Regulate | 21

#7479088 - Monday 3 July 2017 1:16

Well your university is shit but not as shit as someone that stole a bike. Thieves are the scum of the earth. Also, RichardPencil is not funny. Discuss.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7478968 - Sunday 2 July 2017 20:14

At least you can rest assured that the thief is not authorized to ride that bike on campus.

Karma's a bitch, but this time she is working for you;)

By Regulate | 21

#7479088 - Monday 3 July 2017 1:16

Well your university is shit but not as shit as someone that stole a bike. Thieves are the scum of the earth. Also, RichardPencil is not funny. Discuss.

Reply

mitolit | 12

#7479218 - Monday 3 July 2017 11:02

He literally comments on every single FML with more misses than hits... I find him very annoying.

Reply

Regulate | 21

#7490403 - Thursday 13 July 2017 22:32

I like you.

By LeoCor | 18

#7479234 - Monday 3 July 2017 11:54

YDI for not locking up your bike correctly

By checamuk | 7

#7479454 - Monday 3 July 2017 21:26

Who says "half a year"?