The Top

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She has a bright future in politics

By Anonymous - 16/06/2022 12:00

Today, I learned that my "friend" told my other friends that I was homophobic, sexist, and racist. None of that is true and she's just trying to turn everyone against me for no reason. She has also apparently been talking BS behind my back. Worst part is I did nothing to her. I don't know what to do now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 877

You deserved it 123

Dingus

By Anonymous - 20/04/2013 14:26 - United States

Today, my crew was called out to do some house maintenance. We were nearly done, when someone had the goddamned fucking brilliant idea of washing plaster off their hands in the kitchen sink, which clogged the pipes. Instead of getting paid, we now owe for damages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 035

You deserved it 5 552

By cherry - 10/04/2009 09:43 - Australia

Today, I was fooling around with someone I had met at a club, in my room. It got really heated, and I was really getting into this guy, until he lifts up my leg and asks, "Can I lick your leg?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 769

You deserved it 23 906

The cheek!

By Anonymous - 01/06/2014 16:36 - Germany - Ammerndorf

Today, my daughter used her spare key to get into my house while I was at work, then took and pawned off all of my jewelry. She only confessed when I confronted her with video camera footage. Her defense was that I told her I'd leave her everything in my will. Honey, I'm not dead yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 024

You deserved it 5 301

Earplugs maybe?

By Anonymous - 28/05/2022 17:00 - United States

Today, I realized that my mother's voice triggers my misophonia. I don't have the courage to tell her that I literally hate her voice, due to a hearing disorder, because I don't know how to say it without sounding like a douche. FML

I agree, your life sucks 852

You deserved it 156

By BadBreath - 09/04/2009 03:43 - United States

Today, I was having a horrible day. I was laying on the couch, crying, when my dog came up on the couch to console me. I was thinking about how great it was to have a dog, because they're there for you when no one else is. As I was sobbing, I heard something. My dog farted into my mouth. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 697

You deserved it 9 397

Humblebrag or what?

By Anonymous - 23/09/2023 08:00 - Canada - Greater Sudbury

Today, I had my third threesome with my fiancée and our friend. We are moving in together and I don't know what to do anymore. I can't stop thinking about her lips against mine, or how she feels when we fuck. I wish I had met her first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 241

You deserved it 1 052

Gambling is harmful

By stink - 04/09/2010 00:11

Today, my roommate informed me that he took a bet to not shower or bathe until Christmas. The bet is for five bucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 431

You deserved it 2 761

By MarcusJones713 - 08/04/2009 11:17 - United States

Today, I was at the gym with my friends when they invited me to do a few bench presses. Since I'd never done any before, I decided to start with no weights on the bar and work my way up from there. I wound up pinned beneath the bar, calling for my friend to come free me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 854

You deserved it 22 693

Thanks, I hate it

By nakedyogagirl - 03/09/2010 00:16 - United Kingdom

Today, on my way to work, the obese old guy in the house opposite mine offered me tips on my yoga technique. Not only were his tips helpful, but I now know I should either close my curtains or put clothes on when I do yoga. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 093

You deserved it 39 715

The client is always right

By Falcka - 12/04/2021 04:59

Today, I was waitressing at the diner and a guy ordered two eggs, one scrambled and one poached. He hurled his plate at me angrily because they "scrambled the egg he wanted poached and poached the egg he wanted scrambled." He stormed out without paying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 470

You deserved it 80

Too demanding

By Anonymous - 23/06/2022 18:00 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, my work decided to fire me. Three days ago, I sat down with my boss and asked if they could fix the sewage leak in my office, and maybe look into how loud it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 877

You deserved it 81

By Qwerty - 28/06/2011 16:10 - Australia

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to pick my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 010

You deserved it 5 290

Don't engage with these people

By fuck you! - 15/04/2021 05:00

Today, I overheard my mom telling my aunt what an “attention-seeking drama queen” I’ve been lately. All I asked was that she not smoke around me. I’ve had asthma all my life and am currently recovering from Covid. She thinks it’s all a conspiracy, meanwhile I haven’t taken a deep breath in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 414

You deserved it 121

By Ignitingmylightsaber - 18/10/2009 11:29 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend and I had the weekend all to ourselves. On the second day, we finally got intimate, with me doing all she asked of her. In return for hard-work, she took my meat in her hand and started making lightsaber noises, before pronouncing "I don't see why people like it so much." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 023

You deserved it 3 571

By jonas_93 - 05/04/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I went to a club with a couple of my friends. I met a really cute guy and we were getting along pretty well. We eventually exchanged numbers. Later on I decided to call him and set up a date. The number he gave me was the Rejection Hotline number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 068

You deserved it 9 194

Neither a borrower nor a lender be

By Taty - 14/04/2021 14:00

Today, my friend won’t pay me back the money I lent her. I stupidly lent her $1200. She’s calling me an “inconsiderate bitch” because I “have a good paying job, I’ll be alright.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 139

You deserved it 265

By Anonymous - 04/04/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, my biology teacher told me that every Friday we should wear a hideous shirt to count down the last days of freshman year. So when Friday came around we decided to have a contest for most hideous shirt. I won. I forgot to wear a hideous shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 233

You deserved it 10 496

Watcha doin'?

By DamnThatsHarsh - 16/10/2009 18:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were fooling around on camera. I was mostly naked and putting on a show for her, when I noticed that she was looking off to the side instead of where she normally looks when she's talking to me. She was playing solitaire on her computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 462

You deserved it 4 368

Not helping, dude

By Anonymous - 03/07/2022 18:00 - United States

Today, a girl in my glass was complaining that her neck hurt. I thought if I forcibly turned her head side-to-side, it would instantly fix it like in the movies. It didn't. She was in so much pain, she couldn't even talk, and had to go to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 158

You deserved it 2 799

By Nikki - 15/10/2009 01:47 - Canada

Today, this guy and I went on a date to the movies. We got up to the desk and I asked for one ticket for 'Jennifer's Body.' The guy moved his way in front of me and said, "make that two tickets." He then walked away to look at movie posters and left me with the $22.50 charge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 255

You deserved it 6 732

Levelling down

By Yellow - 09/10/2023 17:30

Today, I told a friend I was going to the dentist for the first time in years. He immediately replied, "Yay! Teeth whitening!" I hadn't mentioned teeth whitening. I'm not even going for teeth whitening. -5 XP new insecurity unlocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 584

You deserved it 211

Nice try

By Ellie - 06/07/2022 00:01

Today, I was ringing up a lady’s items; two shoeboxes. Per policy, I’m supposed to open them. She heavily insisted I didn’t. I ignored her and found other merchandise inside. She then went on a rant on how "people should mind their own fucking business" and stormed out of the store without buying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 908

You deserved it 132

By Username - 20/06/2011 15:57 - United States

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 711

You deserved it 4 267

By internetadvice - 01/04/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out that she wasn't really in love with me. She got that advice from an internet survey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 441

You deserved it 8 970

Body positivity

By fat…? - 13/07/2022 04:00

Today, when people ask me what I’m doing this summer and I answer that I’m going into plus-size modeling, they rudely say, “Oh, me too,” or, “Oh, my grandma too.” I have an hourglass figure and spent hours on my portfolio, but everyone still thinks I’m just trying to feel better about being fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 386

By somerandomchick - 31/03/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, my little sister got mad at me because I wouldn't let her read my IM conversation. I took a nap and when I woke up, my laptop was gone. She took it on a trip to her grandparents' house, six hours away. Nude pictures of me and my paper due tomorrow are on the laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 947

You deserved it 30 504

You alright?

By lanexox1d - 24/06/2022 04:00 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I laughed so hard at a show, I threw up all over myself. The show in question? iCarly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 275

You deserved it 724

By The_Black_Jesus - 31/03/2013 13:32 - United States

Today, I went to visit some family out of state for my niece's birthday. I couldn't think of what to get an 8-year-old so I got her a Barbie doll. Everyone else got her money, iPods, game consoles, etc. When she got to mine she asked "how do I turn it on?" Then threw it away when she couldn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 403

You deserved it 5 253

By traumatised - 11/10/2009 16:16 - United Kingdom

Today, my new roommate decided to put his pet hamster in the same cage as my beloved hamster. Apparently he wanted them to make hamster babies. They are both males. His hamster attacked mine and tore it to pieces. I just finished cleaning up the mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 500

You deserved it 2 796

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The Top

Today, I was so parched I had to take way too long at the water fountain. I was drinking for so long a line started to form. As I finished my drink, the guy behind me puked on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 422

You deserved it 535

Today, I got home from working at KFC and hopped straight into the shower. I could see that the water was being tinged yellow by the grease that had got plastered on me at work and was now coming off, so I started gagging and almost threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 822

You deserved it 216

Today, I’m on day three of pneumonia and a sinus infection. My six year-old is on day three of a sinus infection and day one of the stomach flu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 110

You deserved it 137

Today, my girlfriend agreed to doing it doggy style. During it all, I pulled on her hair. I guess I pulled too hard, because when I let go, her face smacked straight into the bedside table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 987

You deserved it 45 862

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 653

You deserved it 5 828

Today, my sweet tooth went to a whole different level when I took a swig out of a bottle of maple syrup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 137

You deserved it 12 282