Today, I was driving on the freeway when I saw a car in front... - FML

By driverman12 - 4/4/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I saw a car in front of me swerving across 3 lanes of traffic. Thinking he might be drunk, I dialed 911 on my phone, but I dropped it. I fished under my seat to get it, swerving, and got pulled over by highway patrol and given a field sobriety test. FML

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All in the family

Body issues

You snooze, you lose

By alyssabree42 - 4/8/2012 06:56 - United States - Estacada

Today, I learned that when you hear a bump in the night, it's best not to check your parents' room. Some things cannot be unseen. FML

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By Lexi - 31/10/2009 20:15 - France

Today, after telling my best friend an idiot could make Kraft Dinner, I spilled boiling water all over my hands and forearms while attempting to strain the noodles. FML

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By jdmarine83 - 7/10/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, I got my first job after having spent months looking, and graduating college in the meantime. I got it based on my pre-college qualifications. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2019 22:00

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling everybody that I’m a lesbian, because both of her best friends have at least one gay child each, and she was feeling left out. This explains why people have been treating me differently the last few weeks. FML

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By milf - 6/8/2012 01:10 - United States - Muncie

Today, I was changing my son's diaper when he said "Momma." Astonished that he'd finally spoken, I clapped and smiled proudly. My clap scared the crap out of him. Literally. FML

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By wtf - 1/7/2017 16:00

Today, I got yelled at multiple times by my boss because my boyfriend didn't show up to work. FML

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By Around - 23/5/2010 07:29 - United States

Today, after doing a graveyard shift at work, I took the bus home. I fell asleep on the way and woke up 25 miles away from my bus stop. I took another bus heading back and couldn't stay awake. I then woke up where I started from. FML

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By kerry - 20/1/2010 05:30 - Canada

Today, I found a piece of rice in my belly button. I can't remember the last time I ate or handled rice. FML

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By anon - 1/6/2018 01:30

Nightmare Fuel

Today, at work, I had a coughing fit so bad I actually shat myself. What felt like a gallon of liquid crap poured down my trouser leg onto the floor. I work in a competitive office and this happened in front of 30 spiteful coworkers who love posting pics online. FML

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By unwantedlove - 25/2/2011 18:36 - France

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV when we started kissing. As I crawled onto his lap and started to unzip his pants, he said, "You're blocking the TV." FML

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By thebeachisthatway - 22/10/2012 18:56 - United States - Worcester

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 01:09 - United States

Today, I found a schedule in my dorm room that I share with three other guys. Looking at it closer I realized it was my schedule with notes written in all around it. My roommates have planned their entire days around mine so we won't have any interaction at all. I thought we got along great. FML

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By Username - 21/4/2011 13:55

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he was growing a mustache, as he had whiskers. He looked at me and said "No, but apparently you are." FML

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By thatfatkid - 10/8/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I told my mom I wanted to try out for the track team. Her exact words were "good luck, fatty". FML

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By mandapanda - 2/2/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, as I was driving to work in the aftermath of a terrible blizzard that came through my area last night, a lady slid through an intersection and hit my car, totaling it. I called my boss and told her what happened, only to have her tell me that we were closed due bad roads. No one told me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2013 22:21 - United Kingdom - Derry

Today, everything that was beautiful and pure in my life turned into a terrible, warped version of what it once was. Today, I lost all hope and no longer believe that life, although sometimes shitty, is sweet and worth living. Today, I met my mother-in-law. FML

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By ... - 2/1/2012 06:45 - United States

Today, I found out that, after offering to fill out my student aid application for me, my mother sent all of my personal information to a scam site instead. FML

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By fuckmyplums - 7/2/2014 23:47 - Austria - Grossarl

Today, I worked up the nerve to ask my boss for a raise. Today is also the day I found out my boss has a shitlist of employees he wants to fire, and that I'm now on it. FML

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By Anonymoose - 29/9/2014 03:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I came home to a half-shaved dog and a laughing third grader. FML

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By yournick - 31/1/2011 21:23 - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML

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By rofindie - 7/5/2012 04:12 - United States - Forest Hills

Today, my dad found a couple of coins on the floor next to my desk, and gave me a lecture about how money doesn't grow on trees and how irresponsible I am when it comes to money. They were Chuck E. Cheese tokens. FML

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By Badhairday - 11/6/2015 23:14 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML

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By rebekah - 3/4/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML

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By stoopidRUnner - 24/2/2009 02:15 - United States

Today, I was running by a school and saw that a deer had caught his antlers in the fence. I felt bad for it so I tried to help it free. Finally, he became unstuck. Then he rammed his antlers into my hip. Now I can't run in the marathon I have been training for a year to race in. FML

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By Violet - 5/4/2014 01:57 - United States - Exeter

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to get a shirt saying "I'm a girl," just so people won't think he's gay. FML

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By murphy22 - 24/8/2012 09:33 - United States - Norman

Today, I was taking a relaxing bath. My cat decided to sit on the ledge, which is normal for her, but today she fell in. I never knew how painful it was to be scratched down there until today. FML

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By gabby - 16/6/2012 20:36 - United States

Today, I'm driving cross-country with my parents. As if the stifling heat isn't bad enough, they keep stopping to admire, comment on, and practically do a photoshoot in every corn field we pass. FML

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By fuckedover - 26/2/2013 16:43 - United States

Today, a guy I went on one date with asked me out again via text. Being honest, I texted back, politely saying that he was a good guy but I wasn't really interested. He came over to my house, screaming about how awful I was for "text message breaking up with him" and then cracked my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2015 20:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend tried to justify having a one night stand with some other guy, with the words, "I'm on my period, okay?!" She acted like I was crazy when I asked how the fuck that made any sense. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2011 17:31 - United States

Today, sun was shining and I felt confident enough to go sunbathing at the beach. In only my bikini and towel, I laid out to get some sun. A while later, a little girl came up to me and said, "Aren't you embarrassed that you're so huge?" FML

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By lostandconfused - 31/5/2019 05:00

Today, I was teaching a class of 17-year-old Japanese boys English. Tripping over a school bag, I caught my foot in the bottom of my very loose elastic trousers. I pulled them down with my foot as I stumbled, exposing my underwear to all 40 students. FML

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By billiams15 - 6/5/2012 21:57 - United States - Katy

Today, I got my colonoscopy results back. I had hoped they'd show what's been causing my stomach pains for the last few weeks, but instead it turns out that my colon is healthy and normal. I basically got cornholed for no goddamn reason. FML

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By MagnusDeus - 7/6/2015 15:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left a concert with my drunk mother who had spilled beer all over my shirt. I drove her home and she slept it off. Later, my mom "found" my shirt in the laundry and grounded me for drinking behind her back. She won't believe me that it was her. FML

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By sickofthesmelltoo - 28/2/2013 10:56 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, my friends confronted me and told me that they no longer want to visit my house because my dog smells really disgusting. I didn't have the heart to tell them that the smell is actually my parents, who have been trying to "save water" by only showering once a fortnight. FML

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By dogsickftl - 31/10/2009 19:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I left my hammer outside after putting up my 'for sale' sign in front of my house. I realised and went outside to get it. The hammer had been used to smash my car window and steal stuff inside. FML

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By DogDays - 31/3/2017 14:00

Today, the only member of our family who can get health insurance is our dog. FML

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By busted - 5/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I told my mum that the reason I hadn't contacted her for 3 days was that my internet was broken, when in reality I'd gone off for a dirty weekend with the guy I'm having sex with. I forgot my older sister worked for my internet provider. FML

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By SharpeOne - 28/12/2011 06:54

Today, I found out that my parents didn't come to my wedding not because they couldn't make it, but rather that my younger brother didn't want to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2012 12:55 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my brother, the plumber, was called to unblock a toilet. Whenever this occurs, he takes a photo of it and sends it to me. It always seems to happen around meal time. FML

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By darlingditz - 2/4/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. While the father was telling me about bed times and how to reach him, their dog started humping my leg. As I tried to discreetly push the dog away, his paw got caught in the pocket of my huge sweatpants, pulling them down. I was wearing a thong. FML

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Top comments

By c0w | 0

#83221 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:09

Just because you're calling 911 on your cell doesn't mean you're exempt from doing something incredibly dangerous. Next time, pull over to the side of the road, call 911, and keep other people out of danger.

By Lauriebug | 0

#83219 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:08

Haha. Oh Karma, thou art a heartless bitch.

Comments

By Lauriebug | 0

#83219 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:08

Haha. Oh Karma, thou art a heartless bitch.

Reply

noobgang7 | 5

#971171 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 20:26

Did you pass?

Reply

InvaderVader | 0

#986479 - Thursday 29 April 2010 6:41

so right! Fyl for being a Snitch

Reply

tounces7 | 26

#5694263 - Sunday 29 September 2013 4:34

A snitch? On someone who could potentially kill people?

Would you rather not be a snitch, or save some family of kids from death if that a-hole ran into them?

By c0w | 0

#83221 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:09

Just because you're calling 911 on your cell doesn't mean you're exempt from doing something incredibly dangerous. Next time, pull over to the side of the road, call 911, and keep other people out of danger.

By crazy_cat_lady | 0

#83224 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:09

Ha ha!!! You could have pulled over and made the calll, but instead you put other people in danger! Great job!

By hahasuckers | 0

#83226 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:10

and that is why dialling and driving is illegal in the uk.. YDI.

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ZombieVampirez | 24

#6275892 - Tuesday 28 April 2015 10:13

You get fined Hella money in washington. Haha

By average_girl | 0

#83235 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:11

#2 is right. y would u take ur eyes of the road stupid! i dnt have a license and i kno u never take ur eyes off the road... wowww.. maybe that swerving driver had dropped his phone too! u never kno! sheesh

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suxs4ulol | 22

#3728716 - Wednesday 14 December 2011 5:14

mabey you should learn to spell. sheesh.

Reply

BTR_lover | 1

#4695513 - Monday 16 July 2012 17:49

#99; He/she said they don't even have a license. Which leads me to believe they're too young to be on here anyways. (:

Reply

Lesbiantrash | 8

#6651340 - Saturday 16 July 2016 20:25

Maybe you should too!

By pelica | 0

#83237 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:12

Trying to make a phone call on the freeway in dangerous enough... but fishing under your seat too?? Um dangerous.

By endless63 | 2

#83241 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:12

Hmm yes you put yourself in danger as well as others

By ElzhiPreface | 0

#83249 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:14

It wasn't THAT THAT THAT bad to call while driving... you still shouldn't do it.

But dam boy, getting the phone under your seat while driving... too far, too far...

By guitardedman | 0

#83250 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:14

thats rough.... one of the few i actually think is FML worthy

By Chatspeak | 0

#83254 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:15

#1 makes no sense at all.. the persons not heartless..they wanted to help others. but next time, you should pull over because Im sure you realized...you can hurt people.

Reply

fmlcomment | 2

#351376 - Monday 29 June 2009 5:12

um...he's not calling the OP heartless. He's calling karma heartless.