Today, I was driving on the freeway when I saw a car in front... - FML

By driverman12 - 4/4/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I saw a car in front of me swerving across 3 lanes of traffic. Thinking he might be drunk, I dialed 911 on my phone, but I dropped it. I fished under my seat to get it, swerving, and got pulled over by highway patrol and given a field sobriety test. FML

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Capitalism kills

Deep-seated resentment

Gas giant

By jealouspussy - 20/2/2013 06:55 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was giving my guy a blowjob. When he blurted out, "Oh Jesus" I assumed I was doing a good job. I looked up to see the expression on his face and noticed a look of terror. He was staring at my growling cat, two seconds away from clawing his face off. FML

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By Carpet cleaner - 21/2/2012 02:15 - Canada

Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML

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By mk - 14/6/2011 06:08 - United States

Today, I had to be the one to break it to my daughter that WWE fighting was staged. She began crying. However, last month she didn't shed a single tear at her grandmother's funeral. FML

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By Noname - 4/12/2008 04:39 - France

Today, my two year old girl said "motherfucker". Everyone laughed, even her grandparents. Our family is insane. FML

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By missingcharlie - 17/8/2009 02:45 - United States

Today, in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, instead of saying something sexy, he decided to tell me that the bowling alley had a new air hockey table. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2015 00:16 - United States - Oak Ridge

Today, my mom called me into the living room to say that she had something important to tell me. She then explained how she and my dad had "talked things over" and wanted me to know that they accept me and love me no matter what. Apparently my mom thinks I'm lesbian. I'm not. FML

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By snowwhite - 28/10/2013 04:51 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm severely sunburned and can barely walk properly. My boyfriend keeps telling his friends that it's because of "how hard he gave it to me last night". FML

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By KathleenSchuler - 5/3/2013 03:38 - United States

Today, I took a week off work because my father passed away. I was at the funeral home making arrangements when I overheard the owners complaining about how their insurance agent had left them to fend for themselves. I'm their insurance agent. FML

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By nosey - 8/4/2013 19:20 - United Kingdom - Mountain Ash

Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML

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By kitkat1740 - 17/11/2015 00:21 - United States - Concord

Today, I called my boss to ask if my paycheck had been deposited yet. He said no, that my grandmother came in to work and picked it up. Confused, I called her. She is holding it ransom until I start calling home every day. I do, but she gets so drunk, she doesn't remember. FML

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By Noname - 22/1/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I got a mailer from Adam and Eve with a bunch of hard core porn ads inside. I have been getting these since i ordered a Pirate porn video a few months ago. I was gone for a few weeks overseas. My mother-in-law was getting the mail. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2019 22:00 - France

Classy

Today, I've got two family members over to stay. So far, I have found a dirty Q-Tip, a nasty toe nail and had to clean up period blood from toilets, bin, and the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2011 23:38 - United States

Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2013 01:46 - United States - Blythe

Today, a woman accused me of bullying her son, and said that she is going to get me fired. Her son is a 27-year-old teacher at my school, whom I disciplined for showing up drunk. FML

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By Son - 3/9/2018 17:30 - United States

Today, after an hour-long conversation with my mom that was supposed to help fix our relationship, she said she prefers Beatrice over me and that she's moving in with her. Beatrice is not my sister, she's my older cousin. FML

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By Wtf - 17/5/2017 22:00

Today, my estranged, psycho ex called me ten times and left belligerent messages because I didn't send him anything for his birthday yesterday like I used to. This is the same man who never gave me a birthday gift, text, or even a Happy Birthday wish during our 7 years together. FML

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By couch_potato - 28/3/2013 07:53

Today, I finished installing remote access CCTV cameras around my house due to the high rate of burglaries around my neighborhood. I turn it on to see my teenage son rubbing one out on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2010 09:10 - Australia

Today, I was on a job trial at the local pet shop and, naturally, was doing all the disgusting jobs. As I was cleaning the kittens' litter in the cat enclosure, someone thought it would be funny to lock me in there. I sat in a giant cage in the middle of the store with people laughing at me. FML

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By imcold - 30/12/2013 07:32 - United States

Today, a stranger was kind enough to plow my driveway during a blizzard. However, they were not kind enough to leave their number after plowing the front end of my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2019 00:30

Today, we went to a nice place by a river to have a BBQ. Someone then asked if we could move the fireplace somewhere else, so we went to check another spot. We came back to find a dog had eaten all the meat we'd brought. FML

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By ChangMu - 1/5/2013 06:40 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I had to go buy diaper rash cream. For myself. FML

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By low_expectations - 19/8/2020 02:04

Zoom call from hell

Today, I was yelled at by my mom for not communicating to the rest of my family about the zoom call SHE planned and asked for. The call was to celebrate my birthday. Apparently, it was my responsibility to coordinate it. FML

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By anonymous - 1/3/2013 15:52 - United States - La Grande

Today, I filled out an application for a job at Dairy Queen. I handed my application to the manager along with my résumé, and he said he'd be in contact with me. Not even five minutes after I left, a friend who works there sent me a picture of my crumpled-up application in the trash. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2015 09:26 - United States - Lexington

Today, my husband won't seek medical treatment for a condition he's been living with for years because he saw an episode of House, in which the treatment made the condition worse in a very rare instance. FML

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By oldmold - 23/7/2020 17:01

Extreme cooking

Today, my husband and I got into a huge argument. He called me wasteful for throwing out old food. He insisted that you can simply pick the mold off and the food was perfectly fine. He’s going to kill our kids. FML

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By Travolta - 20/5/2019 02:13

Dancing With The Stares

Today, I was at a party and I danced. Judging by people's stares, I should never ever attempt it again. FML

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By Eva - 13/2/2011 09:32 - France

Today, my boyfriend woke me up by playing with the string of my tampon. FML

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By hypebeast - 28/1/2009 15:00 - United States

Today, I posted on a forum asking if I could be a moderator. Instead, I got banned. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2011 18:59 - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up to me crying. He asked what was wrong, but before I could answer, he'd already rolled over and started snoring louder than ever, making the migraine I was crying about even worse. FML

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By Jane M - 25/10/2013 23:20 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mother came over to visit, and my kids started excitedly telling her Christmas is coming soon. She freaked out, saying Christmas is a "Satanic holiday" and telling them that Santa is going to hell along with everyone who celebrates it. My children are now traumatized. FML

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By Jeff make - 1/4/2012 14:03 - United States - Malvern

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

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By college student - 23/4/2017 10:00 - United States - College Park

Today, at 12, I went for a run across campus.‬ Why? I'd realized my 12:30 exam was actually at 12.‬ ‪FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2014 02:45 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. When I stood up, I noticed a little button on the side. I pressed it and the toilet flushed. I've worked there for nine months and just found out today that our toilets don't flush automatically. FML

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By Username - 2/8/2011 14:52 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. By a fish hook. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2014 15:42 - Australia - Burnside

Today, my wife pressed a button in the elevator and quickly ran out, leaving me in there with my crying baby. When the elevator arrived at the floor, the doors opened on a wedding reception. The doors couldn't have taken any longer to close again FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 23:54 - United Kingdom - Bathgate

Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my daughter trying to cut her wrist with a plastic spoon. When I asked her why, she said her friend Lucy did that so her parents would buy her pretty things. My daughter and Lucy are both four years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2009 06:39 - Canada

Today, I was at the cafeteria of my school with my boyfriend and he dumped me. I was kinda expecting it. What I wasn't expecting was that he'd start running in front of everyone, screaming "FREEEEEEEEEDOM!" at the top of his lungs and that he'd kiss the first girl he saw. FML

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By ckatia - 30/8/2016 09:29 - France - Paris

Today, my eyesight is getting terrible. I saw a white cat in front of my house, so I went up to it. To my delight it didn’t move, so I bent down to stroke it. Wrong call, it was a plastic bag. FML

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By atalose - 6/3/2017 07:00 - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, my college professor said that anyone who misses the final next week automatically fails, "even if their grandmother died." My grandmother, the woman who raised me, died last night and her funeral is next week. Same day as the final. Across the country. FML

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By jared77 - 2/8/2011 16:26 - United States

Today, my mom decided to give me a bloodcurdlingly graphic sex talk. On a plane. I'm 23. FML

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Top comments

By c0w | 0

#83221 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:09

Just because you're calling 911 on your cell doesn't mean you're exempt from doing something incredibly dangerous. Next time, pull over to the side of the road, call 911, and keep other people out of danger.

By Lauriebug | 0

#83219 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:08

Haha. Oh Karma, thou art a heartless bitch.

COMMENTS

By Lauriebug | 0

#83219 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:08

Haha. Oh Karma, thou art a heartless bitch.

Reply

noobgang7 | 5

#971171 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 20:26

Did you pass?

Reply

InvaderVader | 0

#986479 - Thursday 29 April 2010 6:41

so right! Fyl for being a Snitch

Reply

tounces7 | 27

#5694263 - Sunday 29 September 2013 4:34

A snitch? On someone who could potentially kill people?

Would you rather not be a snitch, or save some family of kids from death if that a-hole ran into them?

By c0w | 0

#83221 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:09

Just because you're calling 911 on your cell doesn't mean you're exempt from doing something incredibly dangerous. Next time, pull over to the side of the road, call 911, and keep other people out of danger.

By crazy_cat_lady | 0

#83224 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:09

Ha ha!!! You could have pulled over and made the calll, but instead you put other people in danger! Great job!

By hahasuckers | 0

#83226 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:10

and that is why dialling and driving is illegal in the uk.. YDI.

Reply

ZombieVampirez | 24

#6275892 - Tuesday 28 April 2015 10:13

You get fined Hella money in washington. Haha

By average_girl | 0

#83235 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:11

#2 is right. y would u take ur eyes of the road stupid! i dnt have a license and i kno u never take ur eyes off the road... wowww.. maybe that swerving driver had dropped his phone too! u never kno! sheesh

Reply

suxs4ulol | 22

#3728716 - Wednesday 14 December 2011 5:14

mabey you should learn to spell. sheesh.

Reply

BTR_lover | 1

#4695513 - Monday 16 July 2012 17:49

#99; He/she said they don't even have a license. Which leads me to believe they're too young to be on here anyways. (:

Reply

Lesbiantrash | 8

#6651340 - Saturday 16 July 2016 20:25

Maybe you should too!

By pelica | 0

#83237 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:12

Trying to make a phone call on the freeway in dangerous enough... but fishing under your seat too?? Um dangerous.

By endless63 | 2

#83241 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:12

Hmm yes you put yourself in danger as well as others

By ElzhiPreface | 0

#83249 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:14

It wasn't THAT THAT THAT bad to call while driving... you still shouldn't do it.

But dam boy, getting the phone under your seat while driving... too far, too far...

By guitardedman | 0

#83250 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:14

thats rough.... one of the few i actually think is FML worthy

By Chatspeak | 0

#83254 - Sunday 5 April 2009 2:15

#1 makes no sense at all.. the persons not heartless..they wanted to help others. but next time, you should pull over because Im sure you realized...you can hurt people.

Reply

fmlcomment | 2

#351376 - Monday 29 June 2009 5:12

um...he's not calling the OP heartless. He's calling karma heartless.