The Top

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Revenge?

By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 07:06 - Canada

Today, at work, I was looking for my lost wallet. After hours of looking I gave up and went home. The wallet then showed up in my mail box with an envelope marked "To the asshole." I opened the letter and it was filled with poop. My wallet too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 760

You deserved it 5 082

A tale as old as time

By Anonymous - 04/06/2023 10:00 - United States - Miami Beach

Today, I went out with a girl, I paid for the drinks, and thought everything went well, even though I didn’t make a move, I guess I wanted to take it slow. I texted later to invite her to a private beach next week, only for her to reply that she’s not gonna be available for the next few weeks because her boyfriend is coming to visit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 003

You deserved it 178

By c - 22/07/2012 04:50 - United States - Denham Springs

Today, my boss bitched at me because my body language "indicates that you don't enjoy doing your job". I just have scoliosis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 141

You deserved it 1 776

Sweep sweep

By PghSportsNation - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I awoke to my cat with micro pellets all over him. He'd destroyed a pillow containing them, and now there are thousands of these pellets throughout the entire house. My vacuum is broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 889

You deserved it 4 486

Body double

By Anonymous - 06/06/2023 22:00

Today, I realised that my friend and I have the same cute, round belly. The problem is that she’s seven months pregnant and I’ve been on a diet with an intensive gym program since January. FML

I agree, your life sucks 736

You deserved it 229

Sketchy

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, it was my first day with new contacts, but I found out they make my eyes red and itchy. Today was also the day I had a very important meeting. They think I showed up stoned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 323

You deserved it 3 472

Denied

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 14:02

Today, I asked a girl for her number and I wrote it down when she gave it to me. When I called her, it wasn't her. She'd given me a restaurant's phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 771

You deserved it 309

By botheredgf - 09/11/2010 12:02 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend drunkenly decided to let his friends cut his hair into a mullet. He won't change it. I'm supposed to introduce him to my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 593

You deserved it 4 441

By Sub - 04/12/2009 01:14 - United States

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to a female friend of mine, because I thought they would get along. Apparently they get along better than I expected; she dumped me for the other girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 716

You deserved it 4 383

Late start

By Rachel - 18/05/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, I was planning on meeting my friend at the mall. She came late, and I was in the dressing room trying on a few things. When I came out to meet her, she looked at me oddly and said, "You shouldn't buy that, it looks terrible on you." Those were the clothes I came in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 841

You deserved it 5 365

By HeIsKindaRightTho - 16/09/2014 04:31 - United States - Houghton

Today, I video-chatted with my mom and showed her my new, very short haircut. My dad walked in, took one look at me and said, "I can only attribute this to penis envy," and walked out again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 362

You deserved it 4 949

By bunkbed - 30/08/2011 16:45 - Canada

Today, I bought my daughter a bunk bed. After spending several hours building it, she climbed up, then fainted. Turns out she's afraid of heights. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 086

You deserved it 3 883

By Anonymous - 26/06/2013 09:07 - United States

Today, someone came into the store I work at, laughed at my name on my name-tag, and left without even buying anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 785

You deserved it 3 946

Fruit and veg

By dan - 25/06/2013 04:22 - United States - Phoenix

Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 395

You deserved it 15 406

By ant_hater - 28/08/2011 18:18 - United States

Today, a colony of ants announced that they'd moved into my bedroom closet as I went to get dressed for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 653

You deserved it 2 533

By Anonymous - 06/11/2010 04:31 - United States

Today, after getting out of the shower, I was in a good mood. So I decided to run around the house naked, then play air guitar while air drying, just for fun. My blinds were open, and the men in the Fedex truck in my front yard did have fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 637

You deserved it 34 603

Poor old Johnny

By Anonymous - 25/03/2022 12:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I treated my adult daughter to a vintage record player to celebrate three months of sobriety. Now whenever her boyfriend comes over, they crank up the volume on my old vinyls, and I now have to associate Johnny Cash's "Get Rhythm" with them screwing like rabbits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 018

You deserved it 353

By Anonymous - 04/11/2010 21:44 - United States

Today, I came home to find my younger daughter left her silly band collection on the carpet in front of the fireplace. I now have melted unicorns and princesses stuck in my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 029

You deserved it 4 202

By j_babydoll6520 - 26/08/2011 11:09 - Australia

Today, I got a text message from a number I don't know saying, "I'm sorry, but I'm cheating on you, I couldn't do this in person because you're ugly when you cry." I haven't had a relationship in 6 years and I still manage to get dumped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 691

You deserved it 3 160

Scammer

By shunned - 03/11/2010 13:13 - United Kingdom

Today, two months after moving up to Scotland to be with my fiancé, he broke up with me because he 'didn't love me anymore and hadn't for a long time.' Shame he didn't tell me that when he was saying 'I love you, I want to marry you', having sex with me, and using my savings for a deposit on a flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 804

You deserved it 4 826

Hiking is fun

By Harry - 29/11/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, I went hiking with my friend. We both had to pee really bad, so we went to the edge of a cliff to relieve ourselves. He peed and it came and hit me in the face. He did it on purpose, so I decided to get him back and peed at him. The wind changed direction and hit me in the face again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 549

You deserved it 44 101

Crime scene

By veethebee - 08/05/2019 01:00

Today, I parked in the parking lot at work feeling like I had to sneeze. As I was walking in, the sneeze finally came. Apparently, my nose was bleeding so when I sneezed, blood got all over the floor and my brand new work clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 970

You deserved it 147

Mr Nice Guy

By Anonymous - 23/01/2021 08:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, it was our 12th anniversary. My husband only remembered because family members texted to wish us a happy anniversary. When he went out to the store to get groceries, he didn't even buy me flowers. He's also irritated that I "seem sad or something." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 211

By Anonymous - 21/06/2013 09:04 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, after cricket training, the homeless man that lives in the drain next to the nets threw a beer bottle full of piss at me for rejecting him for a date last week. I ducked; it sailed through my car’s open window and smashed all over the seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 338

You deserved it 4 882

By NickC - 28/11/2009 10:16 - Malaysia

Today, after burning all my past-papers, books and notes in celebration of finishing maths forever, I found out I have to re-take my maths exam to get the minimum grade for college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 255

You deserved it 50 614

By Anonymous - 02/09/2014 21:29 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I found out that my girlfriend takes videos of me sleeping and watches them with her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 978

You deserved it 3 572

By TheFatOne - 31/08/2014 19:27 - United States

Today, I had to cancel my plans to go see my grandma, because I wasn't feeling too well. I called her to apologize, but she had trouble remembering who I was. When I told her my name, she said "Oh, the FAT one." Yes grandma, the fat one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 941

You deserved it 5 573

By Anonymous - 06/07/2012 02:13 - United States

Today, I was called into my first day of work as a cashier. Not even 30 minutes into training, my boss had already "accidentally" touched my ass 7 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 313

You deserved it 2 738

By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, everyone commented on how realistic my "fat suit" was. I didn't dress up for Halloween. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 191

You deserved it 8 238

Great dad

By Anonymous - 28/06/2023 12:00

Today, I found out my son has not one, not two, but three children with various women. I confronted him about this and he truly doesn’t care. He has support payments he hasn’t paid in months, and he doesn’t even know his name of his youngest son, because he doesn’t care enough to remember it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 075

You deserved it 309

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The Top

Today, we learned that my fiancée was having a cryptic pregnancy when she went to the hospital fearing food poisoning and came out with a baby. She never gained a pound or showed any symptoms at all. Even more miraculous is that we’re both women. Yeah my world is pretty much over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 461

You deserved it 95

Today, my coworker and I got caught having sex in the break-room. It was 6 p.m. and there was only him and me from our department in the office. Apparently, this bitch from another department in another fucking building decided it was the perfect time to make microwave popcorn, and our break-room was the perfect place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169

You deserved it 1 089

Random

Today, my girlfriend started a huge fight with me over how I don't have the right to have close female friends anymore. She ended up storming off, and won't return my calls. But no worries: she did just play the word "murder" in our game of Words With Friends. Very comforting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 438

You deserved it 3 785

Today, I was run over by my own car as I tried to push it out of a snowbank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 474

You deserved it 5 009

Today, after lunch with my frail, disabled, 87-year-old father, I reached into my purse for lipstick. I didn't recognize the cute cylinder I pulled out, but thinking it was a flashlight, I pressed the little button, spraying my dad and myself in the face with pepper spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 598

You deserved it 36 453

Today, I was running down the hallway when a door opens and hits me right on the face. I'm sitting there with my nose bleeding and a huge bump forming on my head. The guy who comes out is hugely fat, tries to help me up, trips, and falls on me. I accidentally groped his moobs while trying to push him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 890

You deserved it 7 794

Today, my girlfriend recently dumped me because she's serious about her career (temp secretary) and needs a man who’s also serious about his career. I’m an area manager for 6 hotels, making almost six figures. I found out she's now dating a very low level weed dealer. Serious career. Sure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 784

You deserved it 144

Today, my idiot husband put a can of cat food in our daughter's lunchbox as a "joke". The school called CPS. Now we have to go to a hearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 139

You deserved it 281