The Top

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By Ma_Nikka - 23/07/2015 19:00 - United States - Olivehurst

Today, my boss called me in to have a serious talk. The "serious talk" was him asking me to notify him of my menstrual cycle ahead of time so he can "avoid that shit". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 173

You deserved it 2 901

By Anonymous - 15/05/2015 23:55 - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 731

You deserved it 2 377

By dickofbrokendreams - 02/03/2015 05:14 - United States - Waynesville

Today, I discovered that my fiancé consistently thinks about his fear of breaking his penis while we have sex. He's afraid to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 015

You deserved it 3 476

By Itsbeen8years - 05/04/2015 19:18 - Slovakia - Stupava

Today, I found my first bra and tried it on. It still fits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 953

You deserved it 3 867

By OhWhoCares - 17/08/2015 21:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was walking to my car with 600 dollars worth of books because I start college next week, when I was robbed by some guy that sounded like Cartman. He punched me because I could not stop laughing whenever he would try to threaten me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 791

You deserved it 2 790

OhWhoCares tells us more.

OhWhoCares 42

Tuesday 18 August 2015 17:18

I got an FML published!!! Lol wow and I submitted it when I was still pretty upset I didn't think it'd get published :P Okay anyway I ended up calling the police and they were able to find him, along with my books and apparently a ton of other stuff since he'd been robbing people all day and drugs. Hopefully this isn't an omen or anything about my upcoming semester...

Sounds like quite the catch

By Brooke - 14/08/2015 16:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred, "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 779

You deserved it 2 347

By Arcanin3Boss - 23/06/2015 06:37 - United States - Portland

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to eat dinner with his parents. Everyone wanted me to start the family prayer, and although I hadn't done one in years, I accepted. It went well until I remembered you say "Amen" at the end, not "Uh... Bye." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 363

You deserved it 6 028

By khaoslife - 18/04/2015 03:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I had to have a cervical biopsy. The doctor said I would feel slight cramping as she scraped cells from inside the cervix. I guess by "slight cramping" she meant I would shit, throw up, and then pass out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 220

You deserved it 2 348

By Anonymous - 05/06/2015 12:21 - Sweden - Goteborg

Today, I was sick, and my voice was really low and raspy. A cute guy smiled at me and said hi, so I said hi too. He looked shocked and said, "Sorry bro, thought you were a girl." I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 520

You deserved it 2 291

By Anonymous - 19/07/2015 03:45 - Australia - Canberra

Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform her, I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 912

You deserved it 3 142

By Anonymous - 24/04/2015 16:27 - United States - San Jose

Today, I complimented a player in a game who protected my ass the whole match. As a joke, I told them to marry me. Turned out the person was a horny 40-something lesbian stalker who spent the next 5 hours sending me pictures and trying to find out where I live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 286

You deserved it 6 255

By blemarooney - 14/04/2015 15:49 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my 13-year-old sister told me that she wants to get pregnant soon to stop her periods for a while. I can't believe we're related. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 723

You deserved it 2 852

blemarooney tells us more.

blemarooney 13

Sunday 3 May 2015 21:14

Hey guys OP here. I'm a little late on the follow up but here it is anyway. I obviously complained to my mum who sat her down and told her how painful her pregnancies had been. My sister seemed adequately scared. My sister now insists that she had just been kidding but I know for a fact that she wasn't. And finally I assure you guys if she ever brings a guy home to 'stop her periods' I will personally get rid of him.

By to_complicated_4_u - 04/05/2015 16:28 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got screamed at to the point of tears by a Starbucks employee for "giving an obviously fake name" to confuse one of the employees. I told her my real name. My name is Ian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 177

You deserved it 2 754

By Anonymous - 17/04/2015 20:43 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my extended family. When my wife came home, she kicked me out of the game and took all my money and property. When I said she couldn't do that, she said "Sure I can. It's called divorce." Everyone laughed. Now I'm bored as hell, watching everyone else play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 156

You deserved it 3 984

You never know

By Anonymous - 19/05/2015 11:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was fired for not asking a senior citizen for proof that he was over 21 and legally allowed to purchase alcohol. When I told my manager he was clearly over 21, he replied, "But what if he WASN'T?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 520

You deserved it 3 587

By MirandaJones - 20/03/2015 14:41 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was helping out during the school play's interval. My head of year jokingly asked me to follow him around with these mini cocktail sausages for the rest of the school year. I thought it would be witty to reply, "Does that make me your official sausage holder?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 512

You deserved it 8 878

By cricketsins - 14/05/2015 05:11 - United States

Today, my sister told me she found my escaped tarantula and put it in a box on my bed. I never had a tarantula, and the box was empty when I checked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 560

You deserved it 2 589

Manly man

By MCForty - 27/02/2015 15:29 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I won a pool game against some guy. His friends started mocking him for getting his ass whooped by a pregnant girl who couldn't even lean over the table. He got mad, swung his pool stick at them, missed, and hit me right in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 014

You deserved it 3 133

In a rush

By Crappy - 11/04/2015 12:12 - Canada - Rodney

Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 502

You deserved it 2 995

By ow my kidneys - 14/07/2015 10:33 - Germany - Bad Oeynhausen

Today, I went down a water slide. Halfway through, I got stuck behind some kids who were blocking the tube. Seconds later, a big-boned lady crashed into my back. Her solution to break the blockade was to start kicking my back repeatedly as hard as she could. The kids still wouldn't move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 892

You deserved it 1 926

By farksh - 07/03/2015 12:14 - Australia

Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my room. As I went to scoop it up with a tissue, it lurched away and fell near my bed. I can't find it, but I can sure as fuck sense the pure evil coming from it. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 181

You deserved it 6 284

By mommylife - 15/04/2015 04:17 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my 3-year-old broke his glasses, clogged the toilet with Hot Wheel cars, and covered the whole house with Cheerios. All in a matter of roughly 6 minutes while I was putting laundry away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 785

You deserved it 3 959

By Anonymous - 04/04/2015 12:53 - United States

Today, while at the zoo with my boyfriend, he pointed at the howling gorillas and shouted over to me: "Hah! That's what you sound like in bed!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 579

You deserved it 4 250

Rubbing one out on the sly

By Anonymous - 05/08/2015 17:56 - United States - Camarillo

Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 531

You deserved it 2 446

By Not Homeless - 06/03/2015 01:38 - United States - Montclair

Today, as I was riding my bike home from school, I saw a homeless man sitting on a bench. I was about to walk up to him and give him money, but before I could do anything my mother walked up and kissed him. My mom is dating this guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 290

You deserved it 3 373

Creepy

By battle1 - 17/07/2015 11:00 - United States - Marietta

Today, my best friend told me he masturbates to my Instagram page. Thanks, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 597

You deserved it 4 385

By YouDontSay - 10/05/2015 15:35 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for ages. We were lying in his bed afterwards, and he mumbled the word "happy". I thought it was really sweet, until he repeated himself. "My girlfriend probably won't be too happy about this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 526

You deserved it 6 898

By Anonymous - 15/03/2015 04:23 - United States - Statesboro

Today, I went to the grocery store with my four-year-old. She has some issues with wetting the bed, so I told her that if she wasn't sure if she was dreaming about "going", she should pinch herself to make sure she's awake. In the produce section, she pinched herself, smiled proudly, and peed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 415

You deserved it 5 489

By scared4myhair - 12/04/2015 01:53 - United States - Flint

Today, I was asked to prom by the same guy who "accidentally" cut off a chunk of my hair in class and with whom I haven't had a conversation in my life. When I politely declined he said, "You'll regret this". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 605

You deserved it 2 771

By Why? - 05/03/2015 22:34 - United States - Broomfield

Today, I'm faced with the prospect of having to defend my sister from a herd of very angry bronies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 551

You deserved it 2 542

Keywords

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The Top

Today, after an argument with my girlfriend, I tried to be dramatic by slamming my car door shut as hard as I could. Something broke and now it won't open. Now I have to climb through the passenger's side just to drive my car to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 528

You deserved it 30 075

Today, I got popcorn when getting groceries. I was excited to see popcorn butter spray on sale and decided to try it. Excited, I made some popcorn while I went to use the can. Butter sprayed like an aerosol can all over my desk and floor. Now, my apartment smells like a movie theater and there's butter EVERYWHERE! FML

I agree, your life sucks 197

You deserved it 339

The Top

Today, I told my boss I'm going to quit, after months of being abused, doing meaningless work, and working late every day. I was soon given so many new projects that I didn't even have time to write my resignation letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 846

You deserved it 5 908

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years drunkenly introduced me to another very special lady. His wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 338

You deserved it 3 761

Today, my parents and I went out to lunch with my grandma, where my mom proceeded to tell my grandma the same five or six stories she always tells her. My grandma does not have dementia or Alzheimer's. NOBODY in my family does. I, however, have great exasperation from wanting to hear something else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 466

You deserved it 97

Today, my godmother informed me that the rule of thumb my ex had used for our relationship during a year of cohabitation was taken directly from a Cesar Millan book on "How to train dogs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 424

You deserved it 3 328

Today, after a fun movie night, I found a note on my fridge saying, “It was delicious.” I don’t know what it is referring to, since nothing is missing and we didn’t eat anything during the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 402

You deserved it 117

Today, I came home from work to find that my girlfriend had sold all of my N64 and Atari games and both the consoles and bought me a PS4 with the money. While I was standing there in shock, she kissed me on the cheek and said, "I know, I'm the greatest." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 796

You deserved it 4 721