Intimacy: Today, I discovered that my fiancé consistently thinks about... - FML

By dickofbrokendreams - 02/03/2015 05:14 - United States - Waynesville

Spicy

Today, I discovered that my fiancé consistently thinks about his fear of breaking his penis while we have sex. He's afraid to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 902

You deserved it 3 458

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Great family you've got there

In vain

Get back here!

By frenchie12 - 24/03/2019 02:00

Spicy

Today, I hooked up with a girl. The condom fell off when I pulled out. When the girl left I could not find it. I saw my roommate cat's with it, so I chased him and he escaped. My roommate now wants to kill me. She found the condom on her bed and does not believe me. I might have to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 989

You deserved it 459

By thanksfamily - 18/09/2012 11:22 - United States - Bethesda

Today, I got engaged. My family is already placing bets on how long it will take for my fiancée to "wise up and ditch" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 267

You deserved it 2 413

Waste of a phone call

By amIworthIt? - 30/06/2021 22:01 - United States - Ashburn

Today, I called the suicide hotline after two months of recurring thoughts. I got put on hold by their machine, then was on call with someone who barely spoke English, got transferred to another building, so I was put on hold again, and finally got hung up on. I was already feeling pretty worthless, so thanks guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 250

You deserved it 80

By Jizzyface - 29/12/2013 12:36 - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Spicy

Today, my strict Christian mother walked into my room just after I'd finished masturbating. Although dressed, I was still holding the used tissue, which she noticed. Having to think fast to disguise my deed and avoid an entire sermon, I had no option but to blow my nose with the spunky tissue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 030

You deserved it 28 699

By milkybear - 15/06/2010 07:11 - United States

Today, I went to a party where I met an amazing guy. After having great conversation all night and what I thought was a serious connection, I leaned in to kiss him. He screamed, forcefully pushed my face away with his hand, and said he was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 791

You deserved it 15 840

By weddinggirl - 27/08/2010 09:57 - Germany

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years finally asked me to marry him. He said: We could save taxes if we married.. what do you think? That was the most romantic thing he said to me in the last 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 363

You deserved it 10 032

Judgmental much!?

By Stairway2Heaven - 02/03/2009 21:03 - Canada

Today, I came home to find that my room had been ransacked. My mom comes out of nowhere and says that we need to have a talk. I freaked out thinking it was all the empty alcohol bottles under my bed. My mom holds up the birth control and says, "I always knew you were a whore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 560

You deserved it 19 407

By Anonymous - 30/11/2015 16:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my school's theater production was canceled. Not because of budget, but because my co-star fell in love with me and asked me out. When I pointedly declined, he refused to act alongside me since it was "awkward." Everyone's blaming me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 950

You deserved it 2 826

Classic narcissist

By Vanessa - 28/04/2021 13:59

Today, my mother-in-law had a bitch fit because I had a miscarriage and my husband and I are having a difficult time. It’s her birthday and she said I should, “stop being an attention-hogging drama queen” and that, “shit happens, get over it” She doesn’t see what's wrong with her statements. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 290

You deserved it 107

Thanks, I hate it!

By JacksWag4 - 16/08/2013 22:21 - United States - Romulus

Today, I attended the reading of my grandfather's last will and testament. My parents, as well as my brothers and sister, all inherited a nice sum of money. I got 69 cents, because, "young Jack always was an immature little shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 427

You deserved it 21 542

That devil water

By Anonymous - 08/04/2020 14:00

Today, my boyfriend went to his friends house to drink. He told me he’s a happy drinker, and I believed him. He calls me drunk about three hours later and tells me he’s been thinking about cheating on me for a long time, and that he also thinks about "being with other women." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 763

You deserved it 161

By KBBL - 12/03/2014 16:02 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, at a staff meeting, our boss sighed and asked why I'm always in the meetings instead of my co-worker. I reminded him that it's because I'm the department supervisor, not my co-worker. He wouldn't believe me until he saw it for himself in our personnel files. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 858

You deserved it 3 868

By CRH - 03/05/2011 15:41 - United States

Today, at 11 weeks pregnant, I excitedly told my best friend that my baby now has fingernails. Her response was, "You're beginning to sound like a pro-life bumper sticker." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 753

You deserved it 20 943

Priorities

By Anonymous - 14/08/2020 05:02

Today, my fiancé and I finally had the house to ourselves for the night for the first time in MONTHS, and we don't know when we will get a chance like this again. So, he texts his buddy to play zombies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 423

You deserved it 228

By Lyn - 18/01/2012 11:15 - United States

Today, I'm supposed to start my new job as a Crime Scene Tech. Instead, I managed to electrocute myself with my hairdryer. I'll now have to attempt to explain to them that I really am qualified to safely operate an electrostatic lifting device, and other expensive equipment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 048

You deserved it 6 681

I should?

By potatoehead178 - 28/01/2020 05:00 - United States - Fairfield

Today, while I finished my business with my girlfriend, she asked if I used Viagra. I replied, "No I never use Viagra." She responded with, "You should." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 062

You deserved it 376

Whiner!

By mrjude - 28/10/2019 04:00

Today, my boss yelled at me, telling me that I can't answer the phone anymore. Not because I do a bad job, but because a co-worker whined about it being her job. People call her and complain about how rude she is and then ask to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 682

You deserved it 99

By Trapped - 10/06/2009 08:13 - Australia

Today, I failed a basic intelligence test when the mouse trap I was setting up snapped on my thumb. Later, when I checked the trap I saw that the mouse had managed to lick all the bait off the trap without being caught, I have a sore thumb and was outsmarted by a rodent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 236

You deserved it 14 120

Nervous

By Anonymous - 05/02/2021 20:00

Today, I went to see my girlfriend to talk about my anxiety, because it's been a big issue. She broke up with me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 855

You deserved it 105

By Anonymous - 24/03/2014 20:01 - United States - Denver

Today, I was ordering a pizza over the phone. When the guy asked for my order, I yelled "Hey, you guys wanted pepperoni, right?" In reality, I was yelling this to my cat. College hasn't made me many friends so far. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 497

You deserved it 8 931

Clusterfuck

By Alexis - 18/08/2021 00:00

Today, I went to the doctor's office to get my yearly check up. Soon after I got home, I threw up and somehow had a fever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 734

You deserved it 66

By Anonymous - 31/07/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the train and some crazy man started talking to me. I ignored him, and he tapped on my shoulder. He started blabbing and I just pointed to my ears and mouthed "I'm deaf." He stopped talking. A minute later my phone rang and I answered it without thinking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 054

You deserved it 75 437

By Veronica Rambo - 24/10/2018 17:30

Today, it was my first day going to work with new hours where I'm in the office alone for an hour. I managed to lock myself out without my jacket, my phone, and my keys. It was raining. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 370

You deserved it 687

By hkkilla - 16/03/2010 17:40 - United States

Today, I had four teeth pulled, and my mom brought me some ice cream to help with the pain. I fell asleep before I could finish it, and without realising, I left the bowl on my bed. I woke up a few hours later with ice cream spilled all over me, my pants, and all over my now-dead phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 786

You deserved it 10 509

Two things that aren't the same

By YanezIbanez - 13/05/2021 06:01

Today, my mother called me "wasteful" because I left the refrigerator door open and that "electricity money doesn’t grow on trees." This is the same person who lets my little sister have her light on all night, because she’s scared of the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 348

You deserved it 1 272

Cotton Eye Joe

By Anonymous - 13/09/2009 09:27 - United States

Today, my whole family was sitting in the kitchen. My sister was stoned and passed out in our dog's bed. My dad was drunk, yelling, "Who's your daddy?" at his plate of barbecued meat, and my mom just sat there with that, "What the hell happened to my life?" look on her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 221

You deserved it 4 535

By Kim422 - 28/06/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I gave the toast at my sister's wedding which was outside. Before I started, the wind blew up my dress and wouldn't let up. Instead of giving my heartfelt speech, I spent five minutes fighting with my dress as 130 people pointed at my floral-printed underwear and laughed loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 910

You deserved it 4 582

By embarassed - 12/10/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store. I saw a very cute guy in the aisle and smiled. He smiled back and blushed a little. He walked over and I flirted with him. He said, "I thought you should know the zipper on your jeans is down" and walked away. It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 424

You deserved it 6 791

By FeelingFatastic - 05/01/2015 06:08 - United States

Today, my coworker asked me if I was on a diet for my New Year's resolution. When I said no, she replied, "Why not?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 439

You deserved it 4 373

Stealth bomber

By Jogger - 19/08/2020 14:01

Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop when the guy stood behind me let out a huge fart, then walked away. The rest of the line turned around, thinking that it was me. An old lady started to lecture me about being rude, while the guy who did it laughed behind his mask in the corner of the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 483

You deserved it 113

By Christine - 24/12/2016 17:56

Today I woke up with an extremely bad flu and severe nausea. As I rolled around wanting to die I remembered that 4 days prior, I had hoped to get a cold to skip a compulsary carol service for my Catholic school. Now, on Christmas Eve, I just want to say, be careful what you wish for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 276

You deserved it 1 698

By Sicko - 28/08/2010 23:52 - France

Spicy

Today, it was really hot in my house so I pulled my shorts down so I was just in my boxers. My family and I were watching tv and I got a spontaneous erection. When I discreetly tried to pull my shorts back up, my penis flipped out of my boxers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 857

You deserved it 25 934

By atsukobo - 10/03/2012 06:04 - United States

Today, I was half asleep and tried to cuddle my husband as we slept. Still dreaming, he yelled for me to leave his money alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 604

You deserved it 4 815

By Anonymous - 23/04/2012 05:50 - United States - Harrison

Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. She went on about how my girlfriend's dad is a no good drunk, following this statement with spilling her fifth glass of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 081

You deserved it 2 088

Who are you?

By shannon - 02/04/2021 20:59

Today, I asked my coworker for her name. She screamed at me because apparently I'd already asked her 5 times before. I have no memory of any of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 205

By zcollins - 10/09/2013 15:52 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my mother informed me that we are no longer taking my graduation trip to New York. Instead, she and her group of continuously drunk friends are going to Vegas because, "We could win the jackpot and take you on an even bigger trip to New York!" She's never won anything in her whole life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 258

You deserved it 3 566

By Anonymous - 19/12/2014 19:36 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I posted a photo on Facebook showing a side-by-side view of me before and after I'd tried out my new makeup. My dad commented, "What is this, Gollum cosplaying an Orc?" My mum, brother, and over 20 "friends" liked his comment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 530

You deserved it 5 520

By Anonymous - 17/07/2019 04:00

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Still alive!" like I always do. I forgot both of her parents recently passed away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 514

You deserved it 606

Legit logic

By Carmen VanDiest - 24/04/2020 02:00

Today, I asked my husband why his socks are always inside-out in the laundry basket. He replied, "So the insides get clean." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 071

You deserved it 485

By Anonymous - 10/10/2013 17:59 - United States - Wallingford

Today, while despairing over having been rejected for my dream job, I received an email asking me to come back in for another interview. Then they called me to say they accidentally sent the email to all the applicants, and that they definitely aren't interested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 362

You deserved it 3 139

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Top comments

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Monday 2 March 2015 12:23

I mean... it's a real fear. I don't want a broken dick. Well that's my excuse for being alone atleast.

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Monday 2 March 2015 12:28

When did this fear start? I'm not Dr. Phil, but my gut tells me that's not the real reason he won't have sex with you.

Comments

BoredomIsReal 13

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Monday 2 March 2015 12:23

Well have sex to have him face his fear.

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Monday 2 March 2015 14:37

I'm gonna guess OP's fiance is scared of having sex, hence the FML. I wonder what the phobia would be called :/

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Monday 2 March 2015 15:00

Let's hope this fear doesn't last too long!

FluffyPandas156 13

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Monday 2 March 2015 19:03

#31 it's called genophobia, having to fear sex intercourse.

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 8:59

Well no fucking shit Sherlock

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 11:06

Phallusfractophobia?

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Monday 2 March 2015 12:23

I mean... it's a real fear. I don't want a broken dick. Well that's my excuse for being alone atleast.

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Monday 2 March 2015 13:42

Hahaha...sure it is...

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Monday 2 March 2015 15:52

I mean I get why he's scared, no male wants a broken penis lol. But he's now the fiance, he should at least TRY his best.

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Monday 2 March 2015 16:52

In all seriousness and fairness, there are times I've felt like it is easy for a guy's dick to break while trying the cowgirl position.

Dovahkiin_1997 22

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Monday 2 March 2015 20:40

Yes apparently cowgirl is the most dangerous and is most likely to actually result in a broken dick ?

Vitotaylor36 13

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Monday 2 March 2015 22:58

You are correct. My gf, who is a cna and trying to get in to nursing school, just told me about that. She learned it in class not long ago.

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Monday 2 March 2015 12:26

Tell him you will treat his penis like a collectable toy. And everyone knows it's more valuable when it's mint in box

whitnayfortooh 29

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Monday 2 March 2015 12:26

or so he says...:(

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Monday 2 March 2015 12:28

When did this fear start? I'm not Dr. Phil, but my gut tells me that's not the real reason he won't have sex with you.

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Monday 2 March 2015 12:35

Maybe what I should've said was...I'm no Dr. Phil but something smells fishy about his fear. :)

ronzi 15

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Monday 2 March 2015 13:14

I agree with you, something's not right

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Monday 2 March 2015 15:03

Hopefully it doesn't come to the point where there is never sex. Lol

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Monday 2 March 2015 15:49

It probably started at a young age. His father would always snap cucumbers in front of him, telling him that if he didn't behave, he would suffer the same fate.

brytonhansen 19

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Monday 2 March 2015 12:28

Oh my god there's blood everywhere!!!

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Monday 2 March 2015 12:31

Tell him to take the lead and be on top - he can control the pace himself that way and reduce the chances of breakage?!

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Monday 2 March 2015 18:06

Woman or man being on top and "riding" the dick is one of the most common ways to break your penis. Just saying.

Purexinsanity 46

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Monday 2 March 2015 20:14

#68 I don't think a man can get his penis "ridden" if he's on top while being intimate with a woman. As #7 said, the man gets full control when he's on top

Shlalg 15

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Monday 2 March 2015 22:39

#80 you've seriously misinterpreted what #68 was saying, or don't believe gay dudes exist.

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 0:14

I did misread it a bit. I thought #7 said, that the woman should be on top, so he could pace it. But now I read it again and realised my mistake. Still, if he would let her be on top, then my comment does make sense.

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 4:04

inb4 sex with my husband is so boring I fell asleep during sex today. FML

doctorhook86 24

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Monday 2 March 2015 12:33

Is he pretty long? Are you too rough? A broken dick can happen, and it's a serious injury if it does.

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Monday 2 March 2015 19:42

Lol Your picture fits your comment.

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Monday 2 March 2015 12:38

Small objects are often easily damaged

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Monday 2 March 2015 15:05

Or swallowed.

MehNameIsJuan 15

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Monday 2 March 2015 16:43

41, No.

Invictus_Anima 5

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Monday 2 March 2015 12:41

As long as you two don't try any positions that make him bend at awkward angles, he should be fine. If he really is that afraid though, let him get on top so he's in control.

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 35

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 230

You deserved it 42

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 613

You deserved it 684