Love: Today, I was playing Monopoly with my extended family. When my... - FML

By Anonymous - 17/04/2015 20:43 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my extended family. When my wife came home, she kicked me out of the game and took all my money and property. When I said she couldn't do that, she said "Sure I can. It's called divorce." Everyone laughed. Now I'm bored as hell, watching everyone else play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 074

You deserved it 3 963

Another great day to be alive

Walk on the wild side

They targeted gamers!

By haayloo - 19/10/2010 02:40 - Canada

Today, I had just finished re-completing all my assignments because I had lost my USB last week. I reached into my pocket for gum, instead I found the USB that I had apparently lost. I spent my weekend alone rather than spending time with my friends. I don't have another weekend off for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 238

You deserved it 29 115

By Anonymous - 17/12/2010 17:30 - United States

Today, my car heater finally died. I deliver pizzas. In Alaska. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 164

You deserved it 4 250

By Nora - 12/11/2015 21:21 - United States - Fargo

Today, I went to the doctor for the second time, because I've had a cough for about six weeks. In my first appointment, the nurse said it was just allergies and condescendingly gave me a brochure with a recipe for salt water. Turns out it's pneumonia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 977

You deserved it 1 633

By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 00:57 - United States

Today, while on my run, I was attacked by my neighbor's new dog. It apparently didn't like me running past their house and broke free from its chain. I now have stitches and was just told that I'm probably being taken to court for the emotional distress I caused her and the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 641

You deserved it 2 777

By mynoseburns - 22/02/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, I sneezed while I was throwing up into the toilet. It turns out that throwing up is even less pleasant when the puke violently shoots out through your nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 431

You deserved it 2 647

By Nico - 12/11/2011 15:42 - France

Today, like every day since my birth, my name is Spreme. Yeah, you probably have trouble pronouncing it correctly too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 723

You deserved it 3 653

By MarsMayFall - 12/09/2016 09:56 - United States

Today, I was performing for a fairly large crowd with my band. I decided it would look cool to stand on one of the speakers and sing from there. It did look pretty cool for a bit until I tried to step off and fell face-first on the floor mid-song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 779

You deserved it 6 622

Honest mistake

By Anonymous - 10/10/2020 11:01

Spicy

Today, my girl and I with got caught having sex in the car by cops. They thought we were smoking bongs because the windows were foggy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 704

By craphanded - 19/07/2011 17:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle of the road. Thinking it had a broken wing or something, I started carrying it home, intending to take it to the vet later. It crapped in my hand and flew away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 713

You deserved it 9 178

By Jeezus - 16/02/2016 03:00 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, after a week of waiting to hear something about my stolen car, I got a letter in the mail saying it had been impounded the same day I reported it stolen, but they don't share a database with the police so they never called. Now the impound wants $900 plus $120 for the tow to release it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 225

You deserved it 1 634

By Soline - 08/12/2008 12:05 - France

Spicy

Today, I wanted to wake up my sweetheart with a surprise blowjob. He surprised me as well with a knee to the stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 112

You deserved it 8 961

By Anonymous - 09/05/2013 19:12 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my boyfriend bought me a silver necklace. I have a silver allergy, but I thanked him anyway and encouraged him to return it. I found out later that he knew about my allergy all along and bought it on purpose so he could return it, get a refund, and still look good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 290

You deserved it 5 000

By Anonymous - 07/08/2019 22:00

Today, after I'd remembered to start writing a list of my PTSD symptoms for my shrink, because I'm extremely forgetful, it finally took me three days to remember to write down forgetfulness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 450

You deserved it 210

By unlucky - 20/04/2013 21:17 - United States - Wheeling

Today, I came home from a four month stay in Africa, where I managed to avoid suffering any serious illness. Some hours after my first meal back at home, I got food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 753

You deserved it 3 856

By JohnBlack - 12/06/2012 03:56 - United States

Today, I was told off for not holding the door open for a woman behind me at work. Yesterday I was informed that chivalry is offensive to women, as it implies that they are not equal to men. I can't win. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 369

You deserved it 3 941

Everybody does

By Bill - 30/05/2021 23:59 - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, I’ve been unemployed for 5 months. My last job was for government in Canada and I was harassed by management, and deemed a threat to the building. Why? Someone complained I cough. I’ve been coughing for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 918

You deserved it 81

Oh, hi Sharon!

By graveyard-sh*t - 29/10/2019 14:00

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 874

You deserved it 181

By emmey - 23/07/2009 19:43 - United States

Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I am allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 884

You deserved it 44 767

By Anonymous - 02/08/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, I finally finished painting a house that took me 3 weeks to complete at 10 hours a day, including weekends, due to my dedication to perfection. When I went to meet with the homeowner for pay day, which was supposed to be $2000, he gave me $200, 5 tacos and then told me to "get the f*** off my lawn." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 797

You deserved it 5 468

By Cheesey_Dorito - 28/09/2018 15:30

Today, it has been 57 hours since I have last had food. The fridge is empty. The freezer is empty. The pantry is empty. Even my bank account is empty because my pay has been delayed. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 428

You deserved it 215

By tirf - 09/02/2015 22:58

Today, while correcting essays, I spilled ketchup on a student's paper. I managed to successfully turn it into a happy smiley face but when proudly looking at the result, noticed it was right next to the big "F" that I had graded it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 805

You deserved it 11 004

By ava_henryy - 30/04/2013 08:04 - United States - Moses Lake

Today, I had to be rushed to the hospital when I started sneezing uncontrollably and got a huge rash. It turns out I'm highly allergic to a chemical in most cleaning supplies. Great. I just got a job as a house cleaner for a very rich family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 306

You deserved it 3 005

By zappy - 11/10/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I decided to see if electric dog collars work on human necks. They do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 697

You deserved it 118 886

Volcanic

By poopshooter101 - 30/06/2009 11:53 - United States

Today, I was at Walmart when my stomach began to hurt. I quickly waddled to the restroom in pain. As soon as I got in the stall, a huge crap exploded out of me. The child in the stall next to me started crying. When her mom asked what was wrong, she said that I'd "killed her nose." FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 695

You deserved it 9 318

By not_dead_yet - 28/06/2009 07:54 - United States

Today, it was my first big time art show. To celebrate I went out to lunch with some people who's work was also there. When we got back police were every where. Someone had broken and stolen all of the art. All except mine. Even burglars don't want my art. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 685

You deserved it 5 282

By Anonymous - 20/02/2012 03:00 - Canada

Today, I had to leave the movie theater early because I couldn't fit in the chairs. I guess I'll see it when it comes out on DVD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 337

You deserved it 57 549

By Anonymous - 26/08/2011 04:55 - United States

Today, my dad taught me how to swim. I had to keep doing a lot of strange movements to keep my body floating. While doing that, two 8-year-old girls came and asked me if i needed help getting out of the water. I'm a 20 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 597

You deserved it 8 615

By "Jam2019" - 15/02/2019 14:00

Today, despite using the bathroom before I left my house, then at the bus station 10 minutes later, I still had to get off my bus halfway into my hour long journey to pee in a back alley or I would have wet myself. I'm 24 and this has happened twice in the last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 088

You deserved it 227

By ugh - 23/01/2016 20:48 - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, I crashed my car into a bridge, while playing a song with the line, "I crashed my car into a bridge". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 719

You deserved it 5 814

By goingdownhillfast - 12/04/2017 02:00

Today, after getting her "out-of-office" email, I realized that my coworker is on vacation this week. We're doing our final presentation for a major project on Thursday, and she hasn't finished her part. I guess I won't be sleeping this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 302

You deserved it 297

By amiadori - 01/05/2009 09:50 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. When confronted she told me, "I didn't get wet so it wasn't cheating." FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 457

You deserved it 5 306

By swiggityswooty - 23/07/2014 04:09 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I got the, "It's not you, it's me" speech for the third breakup in a row. I'm beginning to think that they may not be entirely telling me the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 984

You deserved it 7 336

By bellerz14 - 23/12/2011 02:58 - United States

Today, I saw my dad sitting in the car alone, blaring classical music, blowing up beach balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 931

You deserved it 4 193

By cj1012 - 08/07/2012 03:16 - United States

Today, a homeless man started to wet himself in the recliner at the coffee shop where I work. He then walked all the way to the bathroom, only to finish urinating in a puddle right in front of the bathroom door. Guess who cleaned it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 337

You deserved it 1 856

By Shooting myself - 10/02/2014 18:57 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, trying to do something nice for my brother, I filled up his truck's gas tank. I didn't realize until too late that it's a diesel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 242

You deserved it 22 096

Quite the catch

By carey33 - 04/06/2020 14:15

Today, even though I’m having contractions, I’m still trying to clean up the house. My husband just got pissy with me because I was rolling the vacuum behind me instead of picking it up and carrying it to the closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 890

You deserved it 194

TSA

By androgynous - 30/03/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I was going through airport security. As my bags were being scanned, I was told that I was selected for extra searching. Right as the security guard was about to frisk me, he froze up and asked me, "You're a male, right?" I am, and I used to think that it was obvious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 471

You deserved it 4 733

Gambled and lost

By Anonymous - 25/07/2021 10:59

Today, I found out that my mom found a paper with my long lost username and password to an old crypto wallet with 17 bitcoins. She'd thrown it in the garbage bin before realising what it was. The bin was empty when I went running to check it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 954

You deserved it 218

Touched for the very first time

By Anonymous - 06/11/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, I went to a new doctor. She asked me how long I had been sexually active. I said I'm not. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 285

You deserved it 338

By DogThermoeter - 10/03/2019 18:00

Today, I took my temperature since I've had a cold for a few days. After reading the display, I noticed the sheath had "Lily" written on it. Lily is our golden retriever. It was in her ass yesterday after she had a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 107

You deserved it 1 468

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 9:12

Well, maybe if you wanted to keep playing, you should have put your foot down?

Cads1 24

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 9:13

Sounds like she needs to go directly to jail without passing go or collecting $200.

Comments

amileah13 26

Saturday 18 April 2015 9:08

Let's hope she doesn't actually mean it!

im_a_black_guy 10

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 20:39

I was expecting him to say that

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 9:12

Well, maybe if you wanted to keep playing, you should have put your foot down?

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 18:08

No, put his foot up....... HER ASS!

GoingCommando93 14

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 19:58

No, #45. Standing up for himself would've been sufficient.

Clevelandians 17

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 22:09

Oh fuck off 52 it's a joke

mejustbeingme 4

Send a private message

Sunday 19 April 2015 0:08

I thought jokes were supposed to be funny.

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 9:12

I wouldn't be amused either.

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 11:54

The worst part is, with how long it takes to play monopoly, OP is probably still watching and about to shoot himself due to boredom.

Cads1 24

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 9:13

Sounds like she needs to go directly to jail without passing go or collecting $200.

jigglypuff34 16

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 10:18

Sounds like someone won't get a chance at the community chest either.

im_a_black_guy 10

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 20:41

I don't want a chest if everyone gets a grab at it

EclipseCandy6 24

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 9:15

I would have flipped the board

Brandi_Faith 33

Send a private message

Sunday 19 April 2015 20:57

Flipping the board only ruins everyone else's fun and makes you look like a sore loser, plus everyone gets mad. Op should've told his wife they could play as a team. That way neither is bored while the game is played for hours.

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 9:17

If her best friend was there should have moved in with her and said "thats called dating your best friend"

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 16:10

Better yet her sister.

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 9:17

Hopefully it was just a joke. a very bad one.

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 18:53

Please, it was clever as all hell.

YourOpinionSucks 22

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 9:22

Why didn't you just flip the board? She wants to ruin your fun, take everyone else's with you.

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 14:51

Kinda makes you sound like a whiny b*tch

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 15:51

Flipping the board makes you this legendary character of all funny family stories. Trust me, do it once and no one forgets.

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 16:12

That works for a chic, if a guy does it you're just a whiney little bitch.

assassinmaster 22

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 9:23

LOL you get a legal scholar wife....Hope that I am as smart as your wife when I study family law

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 9:25

I dont think throwing a tantrum and flipping the game like some others are suggesting is a wise move for a grown ass man but damn, you cant just let her treat you like that. . . but since you bent over and took it, I gotta say ydi a little . . sad but true. . .

Blue_Black_fml 21

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 10:08

You're right. What could have OP done though, without making it a big deal or throwing tantrums, especially with the family being there? I think if I was in his place I would've said: "well I'll see you in court then". Then I would have just leave the room with a drink in my hand and pretended I'm having a good time even if I'm not playing.

Dave_Davington 33

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 10:33

Just tell her no? Then if she tries to force the issue, she'll be the one throwing a tantrum.

Brandi_Faith 33

Send a private message

Sunday 19 April 2015 20:59

I think op should've told her they can play as a team. That way neither of them is bored while the game goes on for hours. (Seriously, it's the longest game ever.)

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 524

You deserved it 71

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 165

You deserved it 283