Intimacy: Rubbing one out on the sly - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 89

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 138

You deserved it 1 216

Rubbing one out on the sly

By Anonymous - 05/08/2015 17:56

Spicy

Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 282

You deserved it 2 408

Own it

And today, on Dr Phil…

Furry family

01/07/2012 04:30

Today, not only does my cat rabidly attack my face if I don't let him sleep on my pillow, but he snores too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 910

You deserved it 5 300

10/07/2009 00:19

Today, my boyfriend of a month had to leave early. I asked him why and he replied that his brother was getting off the bus and he needed to feed him. I had never met his brother, and I said "He can't feed himself? What is he, retarded?" He is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 450

You deserved it 93 675

22/03/2017 02:00

Today, I found out the "free" protein bars at my gym are actually for a fundraiser for children's cancer. I've been taking one every day for the past two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 466

You deserved it 3 409

The show must go on!

By Stuckwiththebill - 28/01/2018 01:30

Today, during my wedding ceremony, the groom-to-be found it appropriate to blurt out about an ongoing affair with my maid of honor. They got married instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 491

You deserved it 412

So romantic!

By Anonymous - 28/01/2020 18:00

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 188

You deserved it 256

01/02/2017 10:00

Today, in my early morning haze, I tried to find the setting on my phone that would stop my cat meowing for his breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 193

You deserved it 1 342

13/09/2012 20:37

Today, my car alarm went off at a funeral, three times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 736

You deserved it 3 728

Gentle

By Ash_The_Unicorn - 20/08/2020 14:05

Today, after losing my father a little over 6 months ago, and finally feeling comfortable talking to my fiancé (who lives with me and my family) about it, my mother forced her way into the room and started yelling at me for crying. Her excuse, "It’s after your bedtime." I’m 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 720

You deserved it 422

24/09/2009 09:50

Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 413

You deserved it 50 960

06/06/2009 14:03

Today, I discovered an enormous hairy spider sitting in the bathtub. I also discovered that I scream like a girl and pee a little bit when I am truly terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 373

You deserved it 12 595

16/03/2010 23:03

Today, as I was pulling out of the school parking lot I was blasting my music and feeling pretty awesome, I got a few honks and felt even cooler. Until some lady pulled up next to me and told me I had left my binder on the roof and all my papers were all over the road behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 164

You deserved it 44 017

26/05/2009 21:37

Today, there was a a huge storm. There were no buses so I walked for an hour to see my boyfriend of two years who (usually rather the unemotionally type) had called me, crying. When I got there soaking wet, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore and this makes him sad. I had to walk back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 195

You deserved it 3 874

12/08/2012 17:25

Today, I found out that ever since I got my blonde highlights, I've been mocked behind my back at work, and nicknamed "The Skunk". FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 822

You deserved it 13 385

Hard no

By Anonymous - 18/05/2021 22:01

Today, not to be "that guy" but my wife quit her job from fear of COVID, we have no kids, so am I really unreasonable to expect that she might do SOME of the housework instead of none of it, and then asking me if I would mind doing the dishes and laundry as soon as I get home? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 443

You deserved it 100

09/01/2015 20:16

Today, I tried baking my own bread to save food money. Unfortunately I screwed it up, prompting my wife to look at me pityingly and say "Wow, can't get even bread to rise." before walking out. I have erectile dysfunction, and she constantly insults me like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 680

You deserved it 3 930

27/04/2009 12:54

Today, in a big argument, my sister uninvited my mom to her wedding. Trying to comfort my mom, I rented Mamma Mia knowing she's wanted to see it for a while. Turns out, Mamma Mia is a mother/daughter feel-good about the daughters wedding. I had no idea, and my mom cried the whole movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 327

You deserved it 71 325

18/04/2011 19:24

Today, I finally started my job as an in-home caregiver. The man I was hired to care for died two hours after I made it to his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 179

You deserved it 3 859

30/04/2011 06:13

Today, I got pulled by a cop because I forgot to put my registration sticker on. I get nervous around authority and have nervous shakes. I ripped the registration sticker 3 times trying to put it on. The cop then gave me a ticket for "Improper Equipment". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 653

You deserved it 7 023

05/02/2011 20:30

Today, it was both my and my stepmother's birthday. In preparation, my dad bought a huge banner with my stepmother's name on it, and a lovely birthday cake. When I told him it was also my birthday, he just grunted and taped a post-it note to the banner with my name on it. Same with the cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 722

You deserved it 3 014

15/08/2016 19:12

Today, I worked from 8 to 7 without a break and I'm still not done with my assignment. Meanwhile, my co-worker crafted a piece of paper looking like a watermelon slice and posted a picture of herself seemingly taking a bite out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 529

You deserved it 1 016

31/07/2019 06:00

Today, I went to a mall and got some really awesome shoes. I went home to find out that they are actually women's shoes. I'm a dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 069

You deserved it 847

Official notice

By Anonymous - 01/07/2021 08:01

Today, my daughter wrote a statement refusing to have to look after her brother in the event me and my husband die, then had it made into a legal document by a notary. I love my boy, but he's dumb as a rock and will probably be a lifelong burden to us, so I don’t even blame her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 232

08/10/2009 16:13

Today, I had my leaving party after work to celebrate getting a new job. 3 people turned up. I'd invited 35. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 967

You deserved it 5 398

10/07/2012 04:44

Today, I went to an orchestra concert. Halfway through the performance I had to fart really bad, so I decided to try and sneak it in while the orchestra was playing a loud exciting part. Just as I let it rip, there was a dramatic pause in the music. Everyone heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 937

You deserved it 29 078

17/09/2013 14:21

Today, I had to explain to my grandfather that Canadians aren't evil by reminding him that he's Canadian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 185

You deserved it 2 795

15/12/2010 11:58

Today, I went to the Salvation Army to donate some clothes. As I was handing over the 4 huge bags that I had carried for 10 blocks, while 6 months pregnant, somebody stole my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 943

You deserved it 3 727

16/01/2009 17:51

Today, I sent my sister a text about how fat I was becoming and looking as disgusting as my ex husband. When I checked to see if she had received it I saw that I had accidentally sent it to my ex father in law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 747

You deserved it 26 587

25/03/2013 21:53

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I wouldn't give her a new iPhone 5 for free to replace her broken Nokia, which she threw out the window in "blind rage". I felt awful having to thank her for calling. Sadly, this is a daily event. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 670

You deserved it 2 679

03/08/2019 12:00

Today, my mom found out that paper is made from trees. She read it on a garbage truck. I then had to explain to her how it's made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 468

You deserved it 115

16/09/2014 20:31

Today, I had a conversation with a girl I don't normally talk to. She ended up saying I'm "not as annoying as everyone says." and "Oh... you didn't know?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 104

You deserved it 3 342

24/05/2009 22:14

Today, I collided heads at a soccer game and needed 13 stitches in my head. I texted all my contacts to let them know I was in the hospital. I got back one response that said "bitch got what you deserve" it was from my cousin. No one else ever texted me back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 460

You deserved it 26 326

03/07/2011 00:22

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room. Apparently, there is only one serious side effect of getting your tonsils out when you're an adult, which is only seen in about 1% of patients: bleeding of the throat. It can be deadly. I'm part of that 1%. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 423

You deserved it 2 689

26/06/2010 14:23

Today, my friend hit a glass with her arm, so I dove to try and catch it before it hit the ground and shattered. I hit my head against the table, giving me a nice gash that needed stitches. The glass was actually plastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 661

You deserved it 8 944

When nature calls

By Andrew Williams - 11/12/2020 14:01

Today, as I was walking to go look at Christmas lights in my neighborhood, I really had to go number two. I called my dad to come and pick me up. I couldn’t hold it in much longer, so I took a crap in the sewer in the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 665

You deserved it 308

07/06/2015 07:54

Spicy

Today, I tried talking to my wife about our sexless marriage. Her only response was to toss me a sock and say "Knock yourself out, fuckstick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 557

You deserved it 4 367

02/07/2012 05:47

Today, my mother-in-law said I wasn't the type she expected her son to marry, as he's always dated cheerleaders and model types. I must have looked offended, so she added, "I mean they weren't smart like you." So, I might be smart but I'm the ugliest girl my husband has ever been with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 411

You deserved it 3 139

10/04/2009 14:07

Today, I was sent to an elementary school for safety day. One of the dads was asking about my job, when I told him about the long hours and high stress involved. He turned to his son and said "Now see why you stay in school?" I'm a paramedic. With a bachelor's degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 888

You deserved it 3 129

17/10/2013 21:36

Today, my boss gave me a verbal warning. My crime? Calling people "hon", "darlin'", and the like. I work at a Texas diner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 930

You deserved it 5 908

18/12/2011 05:18

Spicy

Today, my dad came to pick me up early for the Christmas break. He walked in on me cleaning all 19 of my sex toys. That's more than one sex toy per year that I've lived. I now have to face a 7-hour drive from Montreal to Toronto with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 214

You deserved it 44 129

09/04/2009 06:18

Today, my step-mother threw a surprise party on my acceptance to college. People kept telling me how delightfully shocked and happy they are for me. "UPenn" was written everywhere, when I really got into Penn State. Everyone thinks I'm going to an Ivy League. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 373

You deserved it 5 111

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Top comments

Zappaz 32

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Thursday 6 August 2015 9:47

Actually sounds like the start of a porno

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Thursday 6 August 2015 9:47

At least she didn't continue whilst making eye contact.

Comments

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Thursday 6 August 2015 9:47

At least she didn't continue whilst making eye contact.

Zappaz 32

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Thursday 6 August 2015 9:47

Actually sounds like the start of a porno

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Thursday 6 August 2015 11:39

"Want me to finish you off?!"

liquifiednate 21

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Thursday 6 August 2015 13:00

No #19. It's "need a hand?"

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Friday 21 August 2015 20:35

Or a dick

HappyItalian 38

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Thursday 6 August 2015 9:48

I would've ended that chat as quickly as possible to return to my desk and forget that ever happened.

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Thursday 6 August 2015 9:49

Wow she must have a lot of time on her hands if that's what she's doing at work

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Thursday 6 August 2015 15:38

She has a lot of something on her hands.

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Thursday 6 August 2015 9:49

I bet you didn't see that cumming... No? Ok.

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Thursday 6 August 2015 10:28

haha she didn't either since she didn't get to finish!

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Friday 7 August 2015 22:06

On the contrary, he might have! XD

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Thursday 6 August 2015 9:51

Sitting here waiting for ur boss to post an FML

chocolatelover96 14

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Thursday 6 August 2015 13:15

I don't think that will happen. If she had the balls to carry on regardless, she won't be feeling any shame.

parrchristianna 14

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Thursday 6 August 2015 20:30

the boss submitted one, I modded it.

lysx84 24

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Thursday 6 August 2015 9:52

One of two possible things amazes me here: if your boss works in the same room as the staff then I'm amazed she's gotten to this position with such little respect for public decency, if she doesn't work in the same room, I'm amazed how quickly you have now learned to knock.

ScarredVox92 16

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Thursday 6 August 2015 9:58

I definitely would have acted as if I forgot why I came over, just to get away quickly.

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Thursday 6 August 2015 9:59

That's so disturbing. I'm sorry you'll have to forever remember that!

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Thursday 6 August 2015 10:09

How do you even get masturbate through your pants? I mean unless your pant's material is super thin, I don't see how you would get any pleasure out of doing that.

sturschaedel 27

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Thursday 6 August 2015 11:44

Yeah, maybe she was just trying to scratch an itch. Then again, OP probably didn't want to know about her yeast infection either.

graceinsheepwear 33

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Thursday 6 August 2015 12:43

#11, you must have missed class that day. There are many ways of doing many things effectively.

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Thursday 6 August 2015 16:34

You're not the only one. I don't know how she got off through her pants either, unless she managed to rub the right way?

HylianTwilight 21

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Thursday 6 August 2015 23:05

Sometimes women (in this case) can have a higher level of sensitivity than what can be considered normal. Perhaps she can feel pleasure just on that factor alone. I know that because I'm also incredibly sensitive to the point of always being aware of sensations that come through, whether it be by walking, pressing on something, or hitting a bump on the road. I'm just assuming that the boss could have the same thing to deal with, which in all honesty, really sucks.

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Friday 7 August 2015 2:18

47 now you know what men feel like, we become masters at hiding hard-ins around the age of 13.