Miscellaneous: Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass...

By Anonymous - Australia - Canberra

Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform this one. I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

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Miscellaneous

Messed up

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Scoville scale

By Wellthisishawkward - United States

Today, as I was driving, a bird swooped down, right in front of my car. I didn't have enough time to react, and so I had to listen to my wife cry the rest of the way home. She kept talking about how it bounced off the windshield and how it probably had a family. FML

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25651

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By Nick - Philippines

Today, I laughed at a joke and it literally took me a minute to realize that it was me they were making fun of. FML

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25415

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21613

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By aphre - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how neither of us is the other's usual 'type'. I explained that I usually go for insular asshole types and then asked him what made me different from his usual choices. He said 'Oh, well, I usually go for the attractive ones.' FML

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71717

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By fire - United States

Today, I interviewed for a full scholarship to college. In the interview I said that I was excited about the new dean because I think she’ll be able to really make improvements and bring the school back to where it used to be. After the interview, I learned my interviewer was the former dean. FML

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58346

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2021 06:01

Time to move

Today, after taking a shower, I realised that my landlord was peeking in the whole time through broken ventilator. Once he tried to get into my room, using his keys. I couldn't tell the landlord's wife, as I didn't have any proof so I left the house, even though my rent was long due. FML

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972

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By Just_Me_88 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently, the mafia is out to get him. FML

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28230

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3208

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By Mattyboy - United States

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house. When things started heating up, I heard the front door open and my girlfriend said that it must be her Dad. She handed me my clothes, pushed me out the window, and told me to knock at the front door. Her Dad answered, holding my shoes. FML

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38692

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By poor teacher - United States - Syracuse

Today, at my job as a fourth grade teacher, I realized that most of my students have far nicer and more expensive phones than I can afford. FML

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50318

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I put my 4 year old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML

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27040

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By Bratty son - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my young son and I were in line at Subway. I guess he got bored and started to insult the teenage girl behind us. I tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn't listen. Eventually the girl punched him in the face and left. As my son cried uncontrollably, everyone else there clapped. FML

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12354

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By sexandanxiety - Canada - Stittsville

Today, my mother was trying to have yet another "helpful" conversation about how to fix my anxiety. My sister's insightful comment? "I think your problem is that you need to get laid." My mom agreed with her. FML

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34527

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By derve - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML

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21140

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By violatedbuttcrack - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on an escalator, instead of just telling me my underwear label was hanging out of my jeans, a woman behind me decided to tuck the label in herself. You should never have to feel a stranger's finger on your butt crack. FML

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56105

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By skyplaysguitar - United States - Las Cruces

Today, due to my boyfriend teasing me about me possibly having been conceived on a beach because I was born in Hawaii, I finally asked my mom if I really was. She said no, but then told me in detail how much sex on a beach hurts when you get sand up your ass. FML

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29977

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By Anonymous

Today, my neighbour's kitten got run over, so I bought her chocolate as comfort food. When I gave it to her she joked, "Now I'm going to get fat." It was at that moment that my brain stepped out and my mouth took over and I heard myself say, "You deserve it!" FML

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2341

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By halitosis - United States - Compton

Today, I was riding the subway home with some friends, and when I noticed something smelled awful. My friends noticed it too. After searching for the source of the smell, it became apparent that it was my breath. FML

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18273

You deserved it

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By Gage

Today, having moved to Moscow over a week ago, I finally received the TV my work promised my flat would have. A big Russian man came to my door, handed me a TV from the 1970s and left. It doesn't work. FML

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2972

You deserved it

313

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By PatientInWaiting - United States

TMI

Today, I had a conversation with another patient in my gyno's waiting room. It was about her getting pregnant in a truck while passed out drunk, her therapist's frequent use of a "For Dummies" books, and how she had waxed and oiled everything to impress our doctor. FML

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23148

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By dislocated

How romantic!

Today, my boyfriend dislocated my jaw by sitting on my face while trying to fart on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5578

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By blanknameisblank - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML

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48594

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22050

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By Anonymous - United States - Lawndale

Today, I found out why my teenage daughter won't brush her teeth properly. Apparently my son convinced her that toothpaste has tons of calories. FML

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27531

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By lying fuck! - 22/6/2020 14:02

Shameless

Today, I walked into my husband's office and accidentally interrupted his business call to tell him dinner was ready. Silly me, I didn’t realize his "business call" included Skyping with his topless ex, with his pants down. FML

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2882

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was rushed to the hospital with anal tearing. We've never tried anal before, but it turns out she and my "best friend" sure have. FML

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47014

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3048

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By BigMoney - United States

Today, behind a cabinet, I found a scratch-off lottery ticket I hadn't scratched yet. After scratching it off, I realized it's a $2,500 winner. The lottery commission won't accept it because they stopped using that game 2 years ago. FML

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45370

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By back to cock-hunting - Canada - Burnaby

Today, on our second date, the unemployed guy I'm seeing tried to convince me to open a joint bank account in our name. FML

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36993

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By ledentist - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, my dentist dropped my bite plate for x-rays on the ground, picked it up, looked at it intently, took a couple of hairs off, and shoved it back into my mouth. FML

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29387

You deserved it

2278

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By JayBausch - United States

Today, I went to retrieve my sneakers that my wife made me leave outside the door of our hotel room. Somebody had shat in one of them. FML

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51655

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was drinking from a water fountain. I bent over to sip the water and felt a HUGE slap on my ass. Completely confused, I turn around to see some guy with a horrified look on his face. Apparently he thought I was his girlfriend. And then I saw his girlfriend standing behind him. Giving me the evil eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36542

You deserved it

2816

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By pussy - Italy

Today, I was talking to my boss about her children. She told me she didn’t want them to develop any problems by letting them sleep with the light on. I didn’t tell her last night I slept with the light on because I’m scared of ghosts. FML

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20304

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By Anonymous - Australia - Southport

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. Every 20 minutes or so, I'll get a notification that I have a new message, and I check it just to find that same message sitting there. I'm being trolled by my own phone. FML

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48557

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By kat

Today, I posted my phone for sale on Facebook. Someone hit me up to buy it and wanted me to meet them. I didn't really want to drive to them, but I'm a mom of 2 and I needed food and some extra cash so I did it. The guy asked to look at the phone and ran off with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3051

You deserved it

667

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to drive the guy I've been seeing for the past few months to the emergency room. So that he could witness the birth of his newest child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30421

You deserved it

8315

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By atleasthelocalsarenice

Today, while camping alone in an isolated area, I was woken up at 3 a.m. by a fellow camper, who then offered me a crayfish and a romantic beach walk as a way of flirtation. FML

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5327

You deserved it

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By Hair problems

Today, I woke up with greasy hair, despite taking a shower last night. After washing my hair several times and it not going away, I realized that yesterday I put aerosol deodorant in my hair instead of hairspray. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2225

You deserved it

1210

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By vikingunicorn - Canada

Today, I parked three streets away despite the ungodly cold. I did this because in the past, on my street, I have had my car keyed, my tires slashed, and my side view mirror ripped off. When I went back out to my car, I found that someone had broken off my windshield wipers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31919

You deserved it

3460

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By CH - United States

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12667

You deserved it

41042

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By MCForty - United States - Charlotte

Today, I won a pool game against some guy. His friends started mocking him for getting his ass whooped by a pregnant girl who couldn't even lean over the table. He got mad, swung his pool stick at them, missed, and hit me right in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38913

You deserved it

3119

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By alternativefacts

Today, I confronted my neighbor because he'd been telling my kids that global warming was a myth. He responded with, "Whine all you want, but the swamp is draining and your bullshit liberal narrative is finally going down." He then dumped his trash on my lawn and retreated to his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4847

You deserved it

1191

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By paymeinhugs - United States

Today, I was swimming in the ocean with my best friend and a giant wave came and knocked off the bottom of my bikini. My friend told me that she would go get another bottom so I could walk onto the very crowded beach. She left me for half an hour, laughing from the shore with her entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

89303

You deserved it

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By Karenfast17 - 3/3/2021 14:58 - Hong Kong - Kowloon

Are you experienced?

Today, I have to write my resume, and my teacher asked me about my secondary school activities. I'd never joined in any activities at that time, did no work experience, no volunteer work, except for two activities that I did in an institution centre this year. This all means I'm good at NOTHING. FML

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598

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Top comments

By heyhihello95 | 12

#6355008 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:08

This one. So there were others?

By Zebediabolical | 39

#6355010 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:09

"I didn't try to chloroform THIS ONE" You should get together with the guy who wants anal. You will probably be pretty good friends.

COMMENTS

By Bibblejomin | 18

#6355006 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:08

Wow, you should be a comedian!

By heyhihello95 | 12

#6355008 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:08

This one. So there were others?

hushhh | 4

#6355012 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:10

That's what I was thinking.

vsus98 | 22

#6355113 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:54

That's what I was thinking.

TommyG493 | 11

#6355143 - Sunday 19 July 2015 20:27

That's what they were thinking

MrDonSalvetti | 27

#6355154 - Sunday 19 July 2015 20:39

That's what he wanted them to think

Hoopachi | 19

#6355164 - Sunday 19 July 2015 20:54

That's what the government wants you all to think

jessi_sunshine | 26

#6355179 - Sunday 19 July 2015 21:28

That's what society wants you to think.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6355203 - Sunday 19 July 2015 22:09

That's what he said...

Badkarma4u | 17

#6355206 - Sunday 19 July 2015 22:14

That's what SHE said.

killer6969 | 16

#6355246 - Sunday 19 July 2015 23:23

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

HeWhoIsNameless | 8

#6355268 - Sunday 19 July 2015 23:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

LOLouis_fml | 24

#6355270 - Sunday 19 July 2015 23:57

That's what i've been trying to say...

Bono363 | 11

#6355438 - Monday 20 July 2015 2:30

That's what FML want you all to say.

iAmDictionary | 13

#6355584 - Monday 20 July 2015 5:42

That's what Big Brother wants you to think.

ubeenbagged | 6

#6355692 - Monday 20 July 2015 8:42

What would Jesus say?

AshesNicole623 | 17

#6356184 - Monday 20 July 2015 20:15

What would Jesus think?

joeyl1990 | 28

#6691694 - Sunday 18 September 2016 17:13

What would Jesus do?

By llamarrama01 | 21

#6355009 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:09

Don't feel sad, you took her breath away!

By Zebediabolical | 39

#6355010 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:09

"I didn't try to chloroform THIS ONE" You should get together with the guy who wants anal. You will probably be pretty good friends.

MrSassypants | 32

#6355026 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:14

"Good friends and a threat to society."

They should get that on matching t-shirts.

Zebediabolical | 39

#6355037 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:17

With any luck they will chloroform and molest each other. Like would happen in any good bromance movie.

tarlax | 11

#6355058 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:26

"Molest" each other? Wtf? Good first comment, terrible rape-y second one. If you think molestation's funny, you probably think Freddy Got Fingered is the best movie ever.

Zebediabolical | 39

#6355097 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:46

Anything is funny. In context.

MrConcise | 34

#6355106 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:50

No limits in comedy, don't even defend yourself. Hell, even your profile picture is rapeish. They should expect this extreme style of humor from you.

MELKOZAR | 27

#6355317 - Monday 20 July 2015 0:27

This is the best comment I have ever read.

Shieldsam | 15

#6355887 - Monday 20 July 2015 13:13

That's it, we've officially gone meta

By worldclassrager | 39

#6355013 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:11

Practice makes perfect...if you stayed at her side she knows you care...keep trying OP you'll get one soon

By alain4343 | 26

#6355018 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:13

how the fuck did u make her laugh so she can have an asthma attack

okokalright | 15

#6355102 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:47

It's really easy actually. Have you ever had a moment where you laugh so hard you can't breathe?

ionab101 | 21

#6355117 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:57

I have asthma and it's actually super easy, I get to the point of wheezing nearly every time I laugh

mimi_animee | 18

#6358046 - Wednesday 22 July 2015 19:34

Pretty easily actually. I once gave my younger brother an asthma attack from tickling him. Needless to say I wasn't allowed to touch him for a while after..

By ukeandfoodislife | 19

#6355035 - Sunday 19 July 2015 19:16

The emphasis on "this one". On the other hand, I don't think it was cool for her to openly laugh at you. That was rather rude and I think she could have concealed her laughter until you walked away, to be courteous.