Today, I was helping out during the school play's interval. My... - FML

By MirandaJones - 20/3/2015 14:41 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was helping out during the school play's interval. My head of year jokingly asked me to follow him around with these mini cocktail sausages for the rest of the school year. I thought it would be witty to reply, "Does that make me your official sausage holder?" FML

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Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Weird kid

Everyone's an expert

By achoo - 27/4/2009 12:52 - United States

Today, I brought back the puppy I adopted for my family. I spent months doing all the research on puppy care with two young children, and at least five hundred dollars for the dog, the supplies, toys... the whole bit. Turns out everyone's allergic to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 02:52 - United States

Today, I came home and was greeted by my dad telling me that he pawned my guitar for gas money. FML

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By Sara1990 - 23/8/2010 11:40 - Australia

Today, I went on a double date with my bestfriend. At the end of the night, her boyfriend gave her a long kiss, and texted her 5 minutes after we left to say he missed her already. My boyfriend picked his nose, then gave me a fist bump as a goodbye. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2014 19:30 - United States - Traverse City

Today, my wife yelled at me for being a bastard and not caring about her needs. I felt like an asshole and apologized for everything. It took me a few hours to realize I'd basically just apologized for unknowingly hanging the toilet paper the "wrong way" for her OCD. FML

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By shitty shit - 26/5/2015 15:40 - United States - Carmel

Today, I was looking at old pictures with my mom and saw one of myself crying in kindergarten. I asked why I was crying. She said that was the day a boy kissed me on the cheek, and I thought I'd gotten pregnant. She then decided to give me the sex talk. FML

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By playinmyguitar - 15/8/2009 15:02 - United States

Today, I invited everyone to a gig I'm playing at a bar. They closed it down just for me when I told them how many people were attending, and I spent all day setting it up. Turns out nobody showed up besides my mom, my dad, and 2 of my cousins. I still had to play 7 songs in front of them. FML

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By anti88 - 1/9/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, I reached the point in my life where Target is the "expensive" store. FML

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By shadybarbie - 29/7/2017 13:00

My Love Life in a Nutshell

Today, I was at a concert and I thought the cute drummer was winking at me, so I winked back. Then I realized he was blinking sweat out his eyes. FML

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By mirrorfad - 29/1/2010 05:49 - France

Today, my mum got upset with me for getting my first hangover ever after being of legal drinking age for over 6 years. She is a closet alcoholic in denial who hides red wine bottles around the house. FML

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By Scarlet - 9/8/2016 18:01

Today, after calling my bank to see where my paycheck was, and waiting on hold for my entire lunch break, my boss told me she forgot to submit my deposit. I was relying on that money to pay for lunch today as I used all I had for bills. Looks like I eat tomorrow. FML

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By CM112 - 27/10/2019 06:00 - South Africa

OK, now that's gross

Today, I found a piece of a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth. I haven't eaten popcorn in over a week and a half. FML

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By its dark - 7/1/2016 23:04 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's day three of our power being off because of a glitch in the power company's computer system. They won't turn it back on until we pay the $2000 we owe from 2010. We moved here in 2012. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2012 22:22 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML

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By poopsthegame - 3/12/2012 07:36 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML

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By Yikes - 27/9/2016 04:34 - United States - Cumberland

Today, I finally found the single flaw in my perfect boyfriend. It's herpes. Genital herpes. FML

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By Idon'thave£12000 - 6/5/2019 16:00

Could go either way, really

Today, I received a full scholarship to the university of my dreams in England. Being born into a fairly poor family, I've never received anything for free and I worked on my grades like a dog last semester to achieve this. However, the scholarship is only valid if the UK stays in the EU. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2013 17:34 - United States - Rowland Heights

Today, my husband and I were arguing, but I dropped it so we could calm down before discussing the matter again. Later on, he made us lasagna. The moment I swallowed the first mouthful, he smirked, then started snickering uncontrollably. What the fuck did he do to my food? FML

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By nonameLiz - 3/2/2010 01:16 - United States

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

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By Dave - 7/4/2011 19:55 - United States

Today, the company I work for decided to "go green" and stopped using the air conditioner to cool down the office. It is currently 81 degrees at my desk. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2011 13:55 - Australia

Today, my boss and I were preparing a lunch order for a nearby real-estate agency. I noticed that the order was riddled with spelling mistakes, so I laughed and mocked the realtors calling them stupid and incompetent. My boss then pointed out that the order was written in his handwriting. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2015 04:21 - United States - Erie

Today, I learned not to take sex tips from virgins seriously. "Have sex in the shower", they said. "It'll be fun", they said. Well they didn't take slippage into account. One busted nose and concussion later, I'm not seeing the "fun" part at all. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2012 13:49 - United States

Today, I was writing my rough draft of an essay, and I forgot how to spell a word. I waited for auto correct to help. I was writing on paper. FML

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By stalked - 28/5/2012 06:24 - United States - Bel Air

Today, I found out that the person who has been stalking me has also been stalking someone else. I got upset. It seems it took being stalked to make me feel good about myself. FML

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By Gabrielguitar - 25/4/2009 14:23 - United States

Today, it was my birthday and everyone in the office chipped in to buy me a card, and nothing but a card. It had a pre-written message on it and a space to write "Love, *insert name*" where everyone signed their names. The "Love" was crossed out and replaced with "From". FML

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By please_no - 16/3/2010 14:40 - United States

Today, the water in my shower wouldn't drain so I used a snake to unclog it. I pulled almost a full foot of nasty hair and gunk out of the drain. I just moved in, and the previous owner was an elderly woman. I just pulled a foot of old lady pubes out of my drain. FML

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By anonymous - 17/12/2013 05:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I discovered my mom has been using my credit card to buy everyone's Christmas presents. FML

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By nicole - 22/9/2011 10:31 - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend confessed that after every fight we have, he dips my toothbrush in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2015 15:40 - Canada - Port-menier

Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML

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By busted - 5/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I told my mum that the reason I hadn't contacted her for 3 days was that my internet was broken, when in reality I'd gone off for a dirty weekend with the guy I'm having sex with. I forgot my older sister worked for my internet provider. FML

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By walker - 6/7/2013 04:17 - United States

Today, I went over my girlfriend of 3 months' house for the first time. As we walked through the door, I was greeted by a little girl whose first words to me were, "Are you my daddy?" FML

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By Anonyme - 22/6/2016 04:05

Today, my parents, who aren’t usually lenient, allowed me to have my boyfriend over. We started to cuddle, things got a little heated, but then my sister walks in and says, “You do my math homework, or I tell mom what you guys were doing.” I don’t remember middle school math being this hard. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2016 06:58 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, I introduced my kind and amazing Iranian boyfriend to my mother. When he went to use the rest room, she warned me to "knock it off with this Bin Laden fetish" or she'll have me put on psychiatric hold. FML

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By crossl17 - 12/11/2018 15:30

Today, I bought a new $10,000 car since my old one broke down. Today, I also found out the old one wasn’t starting because i never had it in park. FML

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By BaliTheDog - 24/3/2013 23:01 - France

Today, I was walking my dog when he stopped in the middle of the street and took a dump. I looked around furtively but saw nobody, so I just kept walking. I stepped in it on the way back home. FML

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By biblio - 18/1/2009 02:55 - United States

Today, I told the man I love to "go first" when we started talking at the same time. I wanted to confess my feelings, he wanted to tell me about his engagement. FML

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By SadSister:( - 11/1/2015 00:15 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my 4-year-old sister and our puppy. Suddenly, she blurted out from the backseat, "I don't love you anymore." Shocked, I asked her to repeat herself. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "The puppy doesn't love you either." FML

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By Enni - 27/8/2016 08:47

Today, my husband told me that, "a girl's orgasm serves no purpose". FML

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By Chris - 11/1/2010 13:43 - Ireland

Today, I jumped into a pile of snow which had built up against a wall. Turns out it wasn't snow but a pile of cement covered by an inch of snow. I now have a 3 inch cut along my leg and a sprained wrist from falling. FML

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By shoeaddiikt - 7/10/2009 07:48 - Australia

Today, I was in an exam and was chewing the end of my pen, stuck on a question. My mouth filled up with ink. I wasn't allowed to leave, so I had to sit for another hour with a foul-tasting blue tongue and a half-working pen. FML

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By Lesley - 17/2/2009 01:11 - United Kingdom

Today, while at work I was reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" to me class of 5 year olds. I got near the end of the book and said "Look at the big fat caterpillar" to which one of my pupils replied "Just like you, Miss!" FML

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Top comments

By fiveforfighting | 26

#6238299 - Friday 20 March 2015 18:44

You might want to buy him dinner first!

By briang959 | 46

#6238303 - Friday 20 March 2015 18:47

That's hilarious OP. If he doesn't find it funny, maybe he's jealous of the mini sausages. :)

COMMENTS

By nikkipettyfer | 24

#6238296 - Friday 20 March 2015 18:44

I'm sure you'll laugh about it in a week or so!

Reply

A07 | 48

#6238346 - Friday 20 March 2015 19:28

A story to tell the grand kids?

Reply

Joshwarrior | 38

#6238351 - Friday 20 March 2015 19:35

Hell, I'm sure he was laughing then already lol

By fiveforfighting | 26

#6238299 - Friday 20 March 2015 18:44

You might want to buy him dinner first!

Reply

JazzHandsFML | 28

#6238692 - Saturday 21 March 2015 4:15

I know this hotdog stand over by.....nevermind

By HelenLFC | 27

#6238300 - Friday 20 March 2015 18:44

You need to use your internal filter!

By hailzz_96 | 18

#6238302 - Friday 20 March 2015 18:45

Did you get laid

Reply

mimiminx | 23

#6241108 - Monday 23 March 2015 14:51

It was OPs teacher so hopefully not :/

By briang959 | 46

#6238303 - Friday 20 March 2015 18:47

That's hilarious OP. If he doesn't find it funny, maybe he's jealous of the mini sausages. :)

By CaroAurelia | 12

#6238305 - Friday 20 March 2015 18:47

I'm sure y'all will joke about that in a week or so. But I feel your pain. I say a lot of stuff that sounds better in my head, too.

By cheshirecat13242 | 32

#6238308 - Friday 20 March 2015 18:48

Lil' smokies? If he was talking about Vienna sausages, the dude isn't legit!

By zenrael | 21

#6238313 - Friday 20 March 2015 18:55

Pause. Think. Then reply.

By youngmessi252525 | 20

#6238319 - Friday 20 March 2015 19:00

I would have died if someone said that to me your hilarious op

Reply

BadApple88 | 29

#6238490 - Friday 20 March 2015 23:10

A sense of humor is deliciously sexy

By quesok | 22

#6238323 - Friday 20 March 2015 19:02

Maybe it's the start of a beautiful sausage relationship