Love: Today, I was helping out during the school play's interval. My...

By MirandaJones - 20/03/2015 14:41 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was helping out during the school play's interval. My head of year jokingly asked me to follow him around with these mini cocktail sausages for the rest of the school year. I thought it would be witty to reply, "Does that make me your official sausage holder?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 452

You deserved it 8 849

Love

Compromises

March for sanity

Unreasonable

Book club gone wild!

By TheWriter - 01/09/2017 04:30

Today, during a family gathering, my mom, grandmother, and aunts started talking about an erotic novel they're all reading on Amazon. My cousin asked for the writer's name and I heard my pseudonym in response. My entire family is reading my horribly-written porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 347

You deserved it 1 424

By wtf - 30/05/2012 21:34 - United Kingdom - Staines

Today, I met up with my dad after having worked abroad for the past six months. Apparently, during that time he's had a mid-life crisis or been snorting a few too many turds, because he's now some sort of hippie calling himself "Memnoch of Pleiades". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 437

You deserved it 2 098

Overreaction club

By Punk'd - 03/04/2021 08:00

Today, my brother is about to move to a new house, all because last week I played a prank on him. I made him believe that I crashed my car and had to sell his things to pay for the damage. He's no longer talking to me, or acknowledging me as a sibling anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 218

You deserved it 1 891

By camille - 29/10/2011 13:40 - United States

Today, my dad yelled for me. It was an emergency. I ran down the stairs, tripped, fell, and limped over to my dad only to find that he wanted me to see a video of someone playing "Bohemian Rhapsody" on the ukulele. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 297

You deserved it 3 171

By nipped - 16/09/2009 13:24 - Australia

Today, I thought it would be fun to tease my dog by standing above her and hitting each of her paws repeatedly. My dog thought it would be fun to jump up and bite at my chest whilst I wasn't wearing a shirt. I just spent four hours in hospital getting my nipple sewn back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 969

You deserved it 88 281

By Anonymous - 11/03/2010 06:45 - United States

Today, it's the third anniversary of when I started looking for a new job. I'm still working at the job that made me want to get a new one and I haven't even had an interview for another one in almost two years. My Master's degree on the wall is looking more and more like a roll of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 603

You deserved it 3 551

I'm lovin' it

By Anonymous - 23/08/2020 17:09

Today, as usual, I worked at McDonald's. Although I tried to diffuse the situation, an old man was absolutely furious, and punched me in the face over BBQ sauce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 439

You deserved it 107

By saltynutz20 - 07/04/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I was on a flight from Chicago to Minneapolis. A rather attractive young lady sitting next to me fell asleep at the beginning of the flight. About 40 minutes into the flight I noticed my fly was open. The lady woke to me with my hands in my crotch struggling to zip up my fly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 641

You deserved it 8 028

By Chad - 14/08/2010 17:37 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I made lists of what celebrities we're interested in. The first one she listed wasn't a celebrity - it was my brother. He's spending the weekend with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 801

You deserved it 4 045

The thanks you get

By ashy.kinz - 01/11/2021 20:00

Today, while cat-sitting at a very nice house, I noticed an outlet had started smoking. I called 911 and got it taken care of, but the homeowners want me to pay for the electrician, since it happened while I was there. They only paid me $40 for the weekend and the electrician wants $350. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 624

You deserved it 71

By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 01:03 - France

Today, I teach English in Taiwan. I got two new students, brothers named Harry and Potter. People, they're children, not pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 619

You deserved it 5 031

By LostSoul - 10/07/2019 02:06

Today, I found out my daughter was planning a wedding and invited everyone but me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 675

You deserved it 442

Circular

By Anonymous - 18/05/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday with my family. As part of my presents, my parents gave me prepaid debit card. When I got home, I looked at it again and realized it's the debit card you get from selling back books to our university bookstore. I bought my own books this year. They gave me my own refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 613

You deserved it 2 896

By dorrisdoes - 28/07/2014 20:47 - New Zealand

Today, while working an early shift, I was dressing a wound on a gorgeous guy, when he laughed and pointed out some granny panties next to me on the floor. I guess I forgot to take yesterday's underwear out of my pants before putting them back on this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 255

You deserved it 10 132

By Terry - 05/12/2018 17:30

Today, I opened the bathroom door and it broke my wife’s little toe. As revenge, she ruined the ending of Assassin's Creed that she had gotten me for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 398

You deserved it 643

By man2 - 23/09/2010 11:18 - Ireland

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was unsuccessful at a job interview, and she didn't want to be with someone who "has no future". She's unemployed too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 009

You deserved it 4 033

Mystery

By Sarraahh - 19/04/2020 05:00 - Canada

Today, my 65-year-old grandmother called and asked me to tell my boyfriend that she was flattered, but she's happily married. I have no idea what she was talking about and my boyfriend refuses to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 935

You deserved it 148

By Anonymous - 22/09/2011 03:42 - United States

Today, I was feeling unusually self-confident, so I decided to skip putting on makeup for the day. On my way to class, I passed some guys selling towels. One of them jeered, "Wanna be prettier? Buy a towel, and throw it over your face!" There goes my self-confidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 045

You deserved it 4 558

By drama king? - 10/04/2013 22:17 - United States - Bolivar

Today, I had a friend "dump" me over Facebook. She apparently thought we were dating. I'm a gay man who's lived with his partner for 5 years. She says I have commitment issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 489

You deserved it 5 980

By Anonymous - 11/08/2013 00:04 - United States - Reno

Today, after swimming in the pool, I went into the shower. Little did I know that my niece was hiding in there. She excitedly yelled "I saw your boobs!" Now my nephew won't stop crying because he didn't get to see them as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 274

You deserved it 4 380

By Fuck you, Dad. Fuck you. - 19/06/2014 21:05 - Sweden - Sundbyberg

Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to see the photos of my wedding, which he didn't bother to come to. Reply: "What the fuck, are you gay or something? Keep that homo stuff to yourself." My wife started laughing so hard she was crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 719

You deserved it 5 363

By StungAlot - 12/06/2019 06:18

Today, I got stung by jellyfish. As I writhed in pain on the beach, my dad comes up and asks me to be quiet, that I'm embarrassing him. He also mentioned that jellyfish were out today and that I should be careful. Thanks, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 771

You deserved it 174

By Anonymous - 09/09/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, I realized I forgot to write a 5000 word essay for my English class. I tried to be calm since I had until midnight to finish, and it was only 8pm. I typed for three hours straight,and finished the assignment. I read over the instruction again, and realized it only had to be 500 words. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 500

You deserved it 57 182

By Anonymous - 10/02/2010 07:54 - United States

Today, I bought a brand new huge leather recliner. After laying down and watching football for some time, I sit up and hear a loud shatter. My iPhone was crushed by the mechanics of the chair after it slipped out of my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 866

You deserved it 8 449

By joeidk - 12/05/2013 00:07 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I finally convinced my mom to read Fight Club. As English isn't her first language, she occasionally asked me to translate some of the words. Her latest question: "What's a dildo?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 454

You deserved it 41 531

By shnigel - 27/02/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, I got sent out of the class for "inappropriate" behaviour. The teacher later forgot about me and sent a notice home to my parents stating that I skipped class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 346

You deserved it 7 299

By Wyomingwannbe - 30/04/2016 11:25 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my wife and I are planning a simple team meal for our son's team. We're stuck on pulled pork or meatballs. I've told her I don't care. She's still indecisive. This has been going on for 2 days. We're now not talking, over meatballs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 066

You deserved it 2 285

By Evaki1 - 13/06/2011 14:24 - Greece

Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my tampons weren't ear plugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 618

You deserved it 4 576

By Anonymous - 17/07/2012 20:19 - United States - Renton

Today, my father, who is going through a serious mid-life crisis, walked into my room, told me to "sit the fuck down," and spent the next two hours ranting about how the Lord of the Rings books prophesy the end of the world this December, and that Sauron is an analogy for "corrupt bankers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 658

You deserved it 2 209

By Moondoggie_ggk69 - 23/01/2010 17:53 - United States

Today, I was washing my hair in the shower when the water went ice cold. It's 20 degrees outside and we have soft water which takes a longer time to wash away soap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 464

You deserved it 2 888

By well okay then - 20/05/2013 16:02 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 218

You deserved it 4 657

By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 23:59 - United States - Eugene

Today, I knocked an old-school slide carousel off my desk, scattering nearly 100 individual slides everywhere, including the specific slides my professor asked me to digitally scan, which were placed carefully on top. None of them are numbered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 936

You deserved it 5 889

By Username - 01/06/2011 08:09 - Singapore

Today, the elevator in my apartment building broke down. I live on the 30th floor and am still climbing the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 165

You deserved it 4 377

By mrniceguy - 23/02/2010 18:57 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend started a fake argument and pretended to be mad at me for four days, which was almost enough time for the gigantic hickey that my best friend gave her on her neck to heal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 049

You deserved it 2 451

This ain't working out

By just a reaction - 17/08/2020 23:09

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a heated argument. He raised his hand like he was going to hit me. Having been hit by my ex before, I panicked and instinctively kicked his legs out from under him. He then dumped me because he said he was just gonna scare me, but I used real violence on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 841

You deserved it 297

By FMeeee - 16/06/2014 18:50 - Portugal - Aveiro

Today, I decided to tell my family, including my husband, that I'm pregnant. Their reaction was basically a "meh" before returning to watching the World Cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 383

You deserved it 9 768

By mmvv - 08/02/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that my boyfriend occasionally wets the bed. He's 25 and we're moving in together next month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 359

You deserved it 3 827

By overlandparkmommie - 14/05/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was so totally stressed out at work that I took my car into the park and reclined my seat and shut my eyes. Soon I noticed the soothing sounds of raindrops on my car and I felt a little better for once. I opened my eyes to see that a bunch of birds had crapped all over my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 359

You deserved it 3 716

By Anonymous - 26/03/2016 05:51 - United States - Cortlandt Manor

Today, I brought my best painting yet to college. I showed it off and everyone loved it. Or almost everyone. When we came back from lunch break, we found someone had sharpied the words "JIZZ BUTT" all over it. That painting took two weeks to finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 439

You deserved it 1 969

By Photos - 20/02/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, after I got home from school I went to my room to find the maid had cleaned it, also to find a bag labeled "trash" it was all the sketches and paintings I had done in art class, which is my major plan for college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 654

You deserved it 4 677

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Top comments

fiveforfighting 26

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Friday 20 March 2015 18:44

You might want to buy him dinner first!

briang959 46

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Friday 20 March 2015 18:47

That's hilarious OP. If he doesn't find it funny, maybe he's jealous of the mini sausages. :)

nikkipettyfer 24

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Friday 20 March 2015 18:44

I'm sure you'll laugh about it in a week or so!

A07 48

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Friday 20 March 2015 19:28

A story to tell the grand kids?

Joshwarrior 39

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Friday 20 March 2015 19:35

Hell, I'm sure he was laughing then already lol

fiveforfighting 26

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Friday 20 March 2015 18:44

You might want to buy him dinner first!

JazzHandsFML 28

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Saturday 21 March 2015 4:15

I know this hotdog stand over by.....nevermind

HelenLFC 27

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Friday 20 March 2015 18:44

You need to use your internal filter!

hailzz_96 18

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Friday 20 March 2015 18:45

Did you get laid

mimiminx 23

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Monday 23 March 2015 14:51

It was OPs teacher so hopefully not :/

briang959 46

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Friday 20 March 2015 18:47

That's hilarious OP. If he doesn't find it funny, maybe he's jealous of the mini sausages. :)

CaroAurelia 12

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Friday 20 March 2015 18:47

I'm sure y'all will joke about that in a week or so. But I feel your pain. I say a lot of stuff that sounds better in my head, too.

cheshirecat13242 32

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Friday 20 March 2015 18:48

Lil' smokies? If he was talking about Vienna sausages, the dude isn't legit!

zenrael 21

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Friday 20 March 2015 18:55

Pause. Think. Then reply.

youngmessi252525 20

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Friday 20 March 2015 19:00

I would have died if someone said that to me your hilarious op

BadApple88 29

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Friday 20 March 2015 23:10

A sense of humor is deliciously sexy

quesok 22

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Friday 20 March 2015 19:02

Maybe it's the start of a beautiful sausage relationship

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 47

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 119

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 44

Book club gone wild!

Overreaction club

I'm lovin' it

The thanks you get

Circular

Mystery

This ain't working out

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