Animals: Today, my sister told me she found my escaped tarantula and put...

By cricketsins - United States

Today, my sister told me she found my escaped tarantula and put it in a box on my bed. I never had a tarantula, and the box was empty when I checked. FML

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Animals

Understandable

Nooooooo… !

Zeitgeist

By Jenn - United States - Atlanta

Today, I saw my older sister for the first time in three years. We hadn't spoke since I found out that she was the woman my college boyfriend left me for. Unfortunately, our reunion was fueled by her two-year-old son's desire to meet his dad. My husband. FML

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By ip7 - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, I was sitting in a library when a cute boy approached me, so I grabbed the nearest book. When he asked me what I was reading, I said I was revising for an English test. He laughed and pointed out that my book was in French. FML

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By roomie487 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my new roommate. I also met her stuffed animals, who introduced themselves to me. My roommate makes inanimate objects talk. FML

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41127

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By seussical65 - United States

Today, during dress rehearsal before the show, I came in with crutches pretending I broke my leg as a joke. I then threw away the crutches, laughed and then fell down some stairs. I am now in crutches with a broken leg. I was the lead. FML

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By ineedanotherdrink - United States

Today, I went out drinking with a female friend I've been crushing on for a while now. After we'd been talking and had a few, She said 'Man, I haven't gotten laid in months! Do you mind?'. Surprised but hopeful, I nodded. She leaned over, hugged me, and went to hit on a guy at the bar. FML

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By Danou - France

Today, I was waiting for the bus while wearing my FML shirt. A passer-by stopped, stared at me for a moment, and said, "I agree, your life sucks." FML

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32047

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By "Sarah-Louise James"

Today, I was told by one of my bridesmaids that she can't afford the travel costs to get to my wedding, after telling me that she didn't need me to organize alternate free travel for her. I'm getting married in less than two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1876

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By nomoreart - United States

Today, I was working on my art portfolio. I had drawn a self-portrait. When I was satisfied, I wanted to show my parents. They thought it was a drawing of a bear. FML

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29329

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By Anonymous - Australia - Maribyrnong

Today, my students all handed in their 1,000 word papers. The assignment was for them to write about a strong, benevolent leader who influenced the world. Around half of the papers were about Hitler. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and had to go to the bathroom in my dorm. After coming out of the bathroom, I realized I'd let my auto-locking door close behind me. I had to go through the whole dorm, sprint across campus in my bra and underwear, and ask someone for my spare key. FML

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By Manatee - United States

Today, I went to the doctor. I had a spider bite that had been getting progressively larger for days. I had been putting Neosporin on underneath the bandage that was on it. The doctor saw my wound and laughed. He said the spider bite was no big deal, but that I was allergic to the Neosporin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Waxhaw

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Can't, bigamy's illegal." I still don't know if she was joking or not, because she keeps changing the subject whenever I mention it. FML

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33855

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By lloydLO - United States

Today, I met and asked a cute girl out on a date. We decided to meet at a fancy restaurant downtown. When I got there I saw her sitting with what turned out to be her parents. They made a huge scene, calling me a pedophile and a low-life. Apparently, the girl was 16 years old. I'm 25. FML

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By trailertrashyanditsucks - United States - Porter

Today, I heard my mom sobbing in the bathroom. Concerned, I went in to see what was wrong. I found her sitting on the toilet, pants down and a cigarette between her fingers. When I asked what was going on, she looked up at me and slurred that we'd run out of "shit-wipes." FML

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By twohoursclosertodeath - United States - Austin

Today, I had to suffer through a two-hour long trivia game with my boyfriend's family. As if that wasn't annoying enough, my boyfriend caused the pair of us to lose by just a single point, because he answered "Quebec" to the question of "What is the capital city of France?" FML

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By hannahj88 - Australia

Today, while working at the bakery, I slipped on a pen. I dropped the pie rack I was holding full of pies right on my face. I now have a burn mark on my cheek that looks like a swastika. FML

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32195

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By inpain - United States

Today, I learned that my hairdo must resemble a rat. I found out when a hawk swooped down and dug its claws into my head while I was sunbathing. FML

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26863

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was drunk and crashed on my friend's couch to sober up. On the drive home, a cop pulled me over for seemingly no reason. He kept asking if I had been drinking, to which I answered no. Finally, he told me to look in the mirror. My friends had written all over my face while I slept. FML

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By Claustrophobic - United States

Today, I was on a plane in the aisle seat; the guy in the middle was encroaching on my space, and the window seat was not taken. The stewardess noticed my discomfort and suggested the guy move so we both had space. He had bought both seats and "liked sitting in the middle." FML

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38178

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By Margo - United States

Today, my daughter-in-law taught my 4-year-old grandson to burst into tears and yell, "Am I not good enough for you?" whenever I ask her if she's going to have any more children. FML

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By Dat Stanky Mouf - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why chewing "shit-tons of gum" is not an actual alternative to brushing his teeth. FML

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By pogodrake - United States

Today, I got a call from the girl I'd really like to date to meet up for drinks. Excited, I walked out my front door, slipped on a patch of ice, and dislocated my shoulder. She won't go out on a date with me now because I "ditched her". FML

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By MedChew - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, my obsessive-compulsive mother barred me from using the toilet she had just cleaned. She told me to wait until tomorrow. FML

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By faaail - Ireland - Cork

Today, while studying for a big test at the library, some idiots started playing hide-and-seek. After putting up with their snorting and giggling for nearly an hour, I finally lost my shit and told them to knock it off. I then got kicked out for causing a disturbance. FML

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30755

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Ljungby

Today, I grounded my son after finding out that he's been bullying other kids at school. He got mad and screamed at me, calling me a "bastard". Instead of defending me, my wife got pissed and accused me of having taught our son to swear like that. I can never win. FML

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By guessnot - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy that I've liked for a while but never had the courage to talk to was wearing a TARDIS shirt. I jokingly asked, "Are you the Doctor?" His response was for me to "Go away, f***ing nerd." FML

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By mmromig - United States

Today, my therapist told me that I need to do something different with my hair. Then I paid her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after buying dinner from the supermarket, I had the change in my hand, and my wallet. In the parking lot, a quarter fell out of my hand, and right next to the street drain. As I went to pick it up, my wallet fell down the drain. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had a full on "conversation" with my cat about her laying off the catnip. I really need to get out more. FML

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13981

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By cheekymonkey97

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend whilst straddled on top of him. He started to undo my bra. I was fine with this but he stopped kissing me and looked at me with a slight smile. He then said, "I know this is going to kill the mood... but I feel like I could milk your boobs right now" FML

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12321

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to visit my aunt who recently was released from an institution. She had leftover Christmas cookies so I began snacking on them. They tasted a bit off so I inquired about the ingredients. She told me they only had white icing so she used Crayola markers to give them color. FML

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29542

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By Lovernotafighter - United Kingdom

Today, my granddad had to start sleeping in my bedroom. He has flashback dreams to when he was a boxer, and he's already lamped my granny three times in his sleep. I get a camp-bed, and the chance to listen to him snore like a wild boar. FML

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22282

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By Poem - United States

Today, I spent hours delicately writing out what seemed to be a beautiful poem to my girlfriend. After I sent it to her, I kept eyeing my phone to see her surprised message. No, my only response was "you may want to use a spellcheck." FML

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13996

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By ok then

Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML

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9673

You deserved it

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Two hours later I get a text from my ex announcing he has just been diagnosed with chlamydia. I now have to explain this to my fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19122

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my lip pierced. By the orthodontist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41215

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom

Shorty

Today, on my first day as a community support officer, a 7-foot meathead in the middle of a domestic argument told me to “piss off shorty”, and when I asked him not to swear at me, he picked me up one-handed and threw me in a builder's skip full of mud and wet cement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1377

You deserved it

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By Stung - United States

Today, I found out that bees like to make hives in odd places, like in your vintage car's trunk. I also found out that they don't like it when you break their hive in half when you open the trunk to get out a spare tire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Anonymous

Wakey Wakey!

Today, my girlfriend woke me up by punching me in the balls. It’s OK, I didn’t want kids anyway. FML

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1458

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went on a second date with a guy who seemed perfect in every way possible. That is until he started mentioned how children are a deal-breaker for him. I had to break it to him that I have a 14 month old daughter. He actually had the balls to ask if I'd ever consider foster care. Seriously, dude? FML

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15401

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Top comments

By nanxi | 30

#6290766 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:10

If this was a prank, your sister is an evil, evil genius.

By cutycat136 | 28

#6290770 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:11

Prank? I'm sure if she is your sister she would know if you had a pet one or not

COMMENTS

By finalyearsofhate | 22

#6290753 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:08

Set your house on fire.

EvilTurtle | 35

#6290820 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:34

No! That's a terrible idea....set your neighborhood on fire, just to be safe.

kibster9 | 20

#6290830 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:40

That's a worse idea! Set your whole town on fire!

psychopolarbear | 28

#6290831 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:40

Set the world on fire. Right now. Get all those eight legged little bastards at once.

Futacy | 29

#6290840 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:45

Or you could just come to your senses and realize that your sister's probably playing a joke on you.

randome101 | 12

#6291230 - Friday 15 May 2015 13:21

Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Niz_DD | 14

#6291536 - Friday 15 May 2015 21:37

Some spiders in this case

By Liamj774 | 36

#6290755 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:09

Just picking up the box, and carefully burn your house down. 100% effective

By mexican_music | 13

#6290765 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:10

Now I have a great prank to pull on someone

By nanxi | 30

#6290766 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:10

If this was a prank, your sister is an evil, evil genius.

By zenrael | 21

#6290767 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:10

Ever hear the word liar before?

EvilTurtle | 35

#6290862 - Friday 15 May 2015 1:03

Refer to my profile picture for the answer to your question

By cutycat136 | 28

#6290770 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:11

Prank? I'm sure if she is your sister she would know if you had a pet one or not

By Awesomeaxel | 24

#6290775 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:11

Ohh better find that thing or you may have an interesting surprise when you wake up..

By MrConcise | 34

#6290781 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:14

"Wait, you mean my missing snake, right? Last I saw him, he was headed towards your room..."

Miss_Whipped | 43

#6291053 - Friday 15 May 2015 6:10

I always give your comments thumbs ups before I see who it is and then I'm like 'Oh shit, it's MrConcise.'

Basically stop being awesome pls. Kthx.

MrConcise | 34

#6291289 - Friday 15 May 2015 15:20

#50 - Love you too, bae. Call me later.

By irish_lad | 16

#6290794 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:17

Spiders are scary fucks. I recommend a good dose of oil and a match on your house

By Kitty_Kat44 | 31

#6290795 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:18

I don't think you'll be getting much sleep. I know I sure wouldn't be. And pretty brave of her to pick a spider up big enough to be a pet tarantula.