Today, my sister told me she found my escaped tarantula and put...

By cricketsins - 14/5/2015 05:11 - United States

Today, my sister told me she found my escaped tarantula and put it in a box on my bed. I never had a tarantula, and the box was empty when I checked. FML

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Animals

Thanks, I'm cured!

Billy no-mates

Fashion Police

By draggirl - 13/10/2009 17:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to buy my prom dress. I felt really good as I walked out of the dressing room, until someone walked out of the room next to me wearing the same dress, and looked better in it than I did. It was a man buying it for his drag show. FML

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By crazygirl10 - 28/5/2010 20:37 - United States

Today, both my parents were at work so I was home alone. My boyfriend had wanted to surprise me and take me out to lunch. He found me dancing on my kitchen table singing "Like a Virgin" at the top of my lungs. FML

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By Stupidhuman - 13/4/2017 13:02 - United States - Sparta

Today, I noticed my cat was about to vomit on the rug and yelled at her to move. She spooked and managed to throw up while running. I still had to clean up the rug. FML

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By Loot - 17/2/2009 00:26 - United States

Today, I received a box in the mail from my mom which I assumed was a care package. It was a scale to encourage me to lose weight. FML

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By Rhine - 16/12/2012 23:51 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, at a Christmas party, my crush came up to me and cutely pointed out that I was standing under mistletoe. The only response my stupid brain could think of was, "Probably full of nargles though." He gave me a confused look and walked away. FML

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By hackling fellow - 10/3/2011 13:17

Today, I was painting my mom's house, which so far had taken 12 hours over two days. All of a sudden there was a wind storm. All of the leaves stuck to the wet paint. FML

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By sneaky1324 - 18/8/2012 07:49 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I woke up by inhaling a fly up my nose, and feeling it twitching and slowly dying inside my nasal cavity. FML

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By ohnomommy - 3/3/2020 06:01

Kids are assholes

Today, I was in line at a gas station with my 3-year-old daughter. A "little person" was in line in front of us, buying a pack of cigarettes. My daughter yelled, "No little boy! Only grown ups can smoke." FML

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By dhdyvifjdksk - 26/1/2020 03:00 - United States

Good deeds

Today, I donated blood and the nurse said: "God blesses good deeds", when I get home, my mom tells me that we have to sell the house because we're broke. FML

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By unitywoods - 27/3/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, our entire crew team was at a yoga studio for an introductory yoga lesson. All my teammates could talk about how hot the yoga instructor was in her tight spandex while doing the sexy yoga poses. Everyone, including the coach, wanted to do her. The yoga instructor is my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 21:40 - United States - De Forest

Today, I noticed that my boyfriend's sister looks at my ass more than my boyfriend does. FML

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By tired - 1/8/2011 08:07 - United States

Today, my dad woke me up 3 hours early, after I had been up very late the night before, because something "awesome" happened. Apparently the cashier at Dunkin' Donuts and I share the same first name. Thanks Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 16:47 - Netherlands

Today, my little girl spoke her first word. It was ''Daddy''. Daddy left before she was born and she has never met him before. FML

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By Irobot - 15/3/2017 22:00

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was berated by a customer for a good two minutes. It's okay though because she ended with, "Sorry, I forget you all are real people." FML

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By Mikimiks93 - 2/7/2010 15:05 - South Africa

Today, while driving on a totally deserted, long, straight road in the middle of the bush, I sneezed and drove right into a pole on the side of the road. It was the only pole for over 50 km. FML

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By heronlydaughter - 23/11/2010 03:58 - United States

Today, I went over to my mother-in-law's house to have dinner. I was excited she invited me, since I thought she didn't like me. I ended up hanging her Christmas lights in a snowstorm while they had s'mores by the fire. FML

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By erptwerp - 8/3/2016 04:47 - United States

Today, it's my 25th birthday and all of the friends who promised they could come had excuses why they couldn't make it. Now I'm at the bar, alone. FML

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By strictly cum prancing - 11/12/2015 19:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend backed out on our date so he could help his best friend get ready for some kind of drag queen competition. FML

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By "Nancy Marlin" - 16/7/2017 13:00

Today, I had to call the hotel we were staying at to recover some items I had left. Those items consist of a cellphone, razor blades, used batteries, and a vibrator. They have nothing to do with each other, but yes, they're at the front desk. FML

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By SoreNips - 12/4/2013 23:57 - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend, when she reached over and twisted my nipples to the point of tears. I'm still not sure what in the name of Dawkins I did to deserve that. FML

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By taxed - 2/2/2010 13:00 - United States

Today, I found out that I owe the IRS money due to my previous job not taking enough taxes out. I am broke, unemployed, and was counting on a big refund so I could pay for my divorce. FML

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By CaptainStars - 29/6/2020 20:01

Bureaucracy

Today, I ran out of my antidepressants, and I cannot get more because my local hospital is closed, and I can't register online because the only way it will let me sign up is over the phone, due to me living in a rural area. I'm mute. FML

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By burnt - 13/8/2012 04:43 - Australia - Middle Swan

Today, while cooking, I managed to burn my finger. I quickly turned the tap on and ran my finger under cold water, but apparently someone had just used the hot tap, because boiling water flooded out onto my nicely scalded finger. FML

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By bieberslayer - 6/12/2012 20:47 - United States

Today, in my AP Biology class, a student informed us she'd read that Antarctica had completely melted due to global warming, to which my friend gushed, "Yeah! It's been melted for, like, months." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2013 18:39 - United States - Noblesville

Today, I ran out of clean boxers. Thinking nobody would find out, I snatched a pair of my wife's panties. Later, we had a cook out for my birthday, where some of my old pals thought it would be funny to pants me. FML

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By sickly - 20/1/2011 05:47 - United States

Today, I came to school really sick because I had to take an important exam. After I finally finished, I accidentally sneezed on my answer sheet right before turning it in. The teacher refused to take it. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2011 15:53 - United States

Today, campus security called me to let me know a lawnmower crashed into my car. Apparently the guy mowing the lawn lost control. My car wasn't parked by any grass. I need a new bumper. FML

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By BrokeAsFuck - 18/10/2012 23:52 - United States

Today, my mom and I went out to a fancy and expensive restaurant per her request; she told me it was her treat. After we ate our meals and the large check came, she excused herself to the bathroom. She didn't come back. I was dine-and-dashed by my own mother. FML

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By Kimberpoo - 14/3/2013 06:21 - United States - San Diego

Today, I discovered the "may have a laxative effect" warning on my sugar-free jelly beans should actually read "don't fart after consuming". FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2009 00:29 - United States

Today, I'm a 19 year old college student in NYC, it's Friday night and I'm sitting alone on my bed in my dorm room, talking to my mother on facebook chat. Then she stopped responding. Turns out even my mother has better things to do on Friday night. FML

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By nataliepaige - 19/7/2011 04:43 - Canada

Today, I fell asleep while watching an action movie. My newly installed surround sound system scared me so bad that I fell off the couch and smashed my face on our coffee table. FML

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By lovegotmehung - 29/10/2010 04:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the phone with my girlfriend. Just as she said "I love you", the credit on my phone runs out. She now thinks that I've purposely hung up on her. She refuses to speak to me until I tell her the real reason I hung up. FML

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By two-hours-to-pick-up - 9/10/2009 09:46 - Australia

Today, I was in a fancy department store. I was wearing my travel backpack. I was turning around after paying at the checkout and my backpack hit a metre-tall display covered with necklaces. It went crashing to the floor, hitting another display table laden with jewelry that collapsed under it. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2012 05:31 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I was cooking something I knew would make a lot of smoke, so I asked my teenage daughter to tape a bag over the smoke detector. She said she did, so I cooked; the alarm went off and firemen came. She hadn't taped over the smoke detector, she'd taped it over the doorbell. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2016 17:29 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, at a tutoring center, one of the tutors looked at my worksheet and laughed. She then showed all the other tutors my mistakes and they laughed along with her. The best part? They all speak Chinese and they think I can't understand them. I'm Chinese. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2018 09:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Good morning!

Today, while I brewed myself a cup of coffee, my best friend began screwing around with a can opener like it was nunchucks. He looked at me and said, "Wouldn't it suck if-" as he flung it around and one of the handles flew off, directly into my testicles. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I noticed my 5-gallon glass vase/aquarium was leaking at the base. When I went to move the vase so I could transfer everything to a new aquarium, the bottom completely detached, sending water, sand, sea shells and fish crap everywhere. FML

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By phoenix101 - 16/5/2011 05:40

Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 14:01

Great time to try for a kid

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years complained about having to jack off for IVF. We haven't had sex in 9 months, I have to take hormone injections, and I'm jealous of his own hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2015 13:47 - United States

Today, I was feeling pretty, so I wore a skirt for the first time in years. Two hours later, my thighs hurt from slapping together so much. I no longer feel pretty. FML

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Top comments

By nanxi | 30

#6290766 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:10

If this was a prank, your sister is an evil, evil genius.

By cutycat136 | 28

#6290770 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:11

Prank? I'm sure if she is your sister she would know if you had a pet one or not

COMMENTS

By finalyearsofhate | 22

#6290753 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:08

Set your house on fire.

EvilTurtle | 35

#6290820 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:34

No! That's a terrible idea....set your neighborhood on fire, just to be safe.

kibster9 | 20

#6290830 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:40

That's a worse idea! Set your whole town on fire!

psychopolarbear | 28

#6290831 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:40

Set the world on fire. Right now. Get all those eight legged little bastards at once.

Futacy | 29

#6290840 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:45

Or you could just come to your senses and realize that your sister's probably playing a joke on you.

randome101 | 12

#6291230 - Friday 15 May 2015 13:21

Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Niz_DD | 14

#6291536 - Friday 15 May 2015 21:37

Some spiders in this case

By Liamj774 | 36

#6290755 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:09

Just picking up the box, and carefully burn your house down. 100% effective

By mexican_music | 13

#6290765 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:10

Now I have a great prank to pull on someone

By nanxi | 30

#6290766 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:10

If this was a prank, your sister is an evil, evil genius.

By zenrael | 21

#6290767 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:10

Ever hear the word liar before?

EvilTurtle | 35

#6290862 - Friday 15 May 2015 1:03

Refer to my profile picture for the answer to your question

By cutycat136 | 28

#6290770 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:11

Prank? I'm sure if she is your sister she would know if you had a pet one or not

By Awesomeaxel | 24

#6290775 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:11

Ohh better find that thing or you may have an interesting surprise when you wake up..

By MrConcise | 34

#6290781 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:14

"Wait, you mean my missing snake, right? Last I saw him, he was headed towards your room..."

Miss_Whipped | 42

#6291053 - Friday 15 May 2015 6:10

I always give your comments thumbs ups before I see who it is and then I'm like 'Oh shit, it's MrConcise.'

Basically stop being awesome pls. Kthx.

MrConcise | 34

#6291289 - Friday 15 May 2015 15:20

#50 - Love you too, bae. Call me later.

By irish_lad | 16

#6290794 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:17

Spiders are scary fucks. I recommend a good dose of oil and a match on your house

By Kitty_Kat44 | 31

#6290795 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:18

I don't think you'll be getting much sleep. I know I sure wouldn't be. And pretty brave of her to pick a spider up big enough to be a pet tarantula.