Animals: Today, my sister told me she found my escaped tarantula and put...

By cricketsins - United States

Today, my sister told me she found my escaped tarantula and put it in a box on my bed. I never had a tarantula, and the box was empty when I checked. FML

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Animals

Understandable

Sorry…

Our house, in the middle of our street

By Trollface - Canada

Today, while cuddling in bed, I tried to tell my girlfriend she was cute. It came out, "I wish you were cuter." FML

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By mrsekko - United States

Today, my daughter called for me to come into the bathroom. Turns out the tummy ache she'd been complaining of was actually parasites in her digestive tract. I could swear they were looking at me from the toilet. FML

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By Imslow - United States

Today, I found out that our neighbors told almost everyone on our street that I was mentally handicapped. All this time I wasn't sure why they would speak slowly and loudly at me. Now they won't believe me when I tell them I'm a 4.0 GPA student. FML

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By fire1 - United States

Today, working as an EMT on an ambulance, we had a patient who refused to accept that he had a massive GI bleed, despite the fact that bloody stool was flowing from his anus all over my ambulance. To make things worse, my EMT ride-along student puked all over the patient. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - International Falls

Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I had two minutes to get to the bus stop which usually takes me eight minutes. I had to catch that bus to be at work at the hospital in time. I was in such a hurry, I didn't have the time to tie my shoe laces. I ran with untied shoe laces. I did end up in the hospital. FML

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By staciedee - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be cute to try and pick me up while kissing, instead he tripped and slammed the back of my head on the corner of the wall. FML

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By Selfish Whiner - United Kingdom - Scunthorpe

Today, I started seeing a therapist for my depression. While I was looking through the magazines in the waiting room, I found an article accusing people who see therapists of being selfish and having no real problems. FML

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By Zeco - United States

Today, I was driving to work when I was almost hit by a teenage driver. I gave her the finger and shouted "F*** you!" making sure that she heard me. I then saw my boss glaring at me from the passenger seat. FML

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By Kelly - 23/7/2020 02:01

Polly wants it

Today, at work, I booked a vet appointment for an African Gray to get a birth control implant. I didn’t even know that was a thing and I definitely never thought that a parrot would have a more active sex life than me. FML

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By jester777 - United States

Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML

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By Tag - Australia - Perth

Today, a woman screamed at me for five minutes, demanding to know how long I'd been having an affair with her husband. I explained for the second time that she'd dialed a wrong number. FML

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By rainbows? more like shitstorms - United States

Today, I was suntanning outside, when I had a bout of nausea. I rushed to the toilet, hoping at all costs to just dry-heave it away. When I lifted the lid, I was faced with two of the most rancid floaters I've ever seen, courtesy of my live-in gran. Well, my stomach's empty now. FML

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By DontGetSlapped - United States - Conway

Today, my mom called me a "heartless bitch" for eating the last Hot Pocket. This is coming from a woman who, just last week, faked having cancer to get out of a speeding ticket. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my fiancé accused me of cheating and broke up with me. I texted his best friend, who I've never talked to before, to see if he could talk some sense into my ex. Turns out he has several fiancées and was cheating on me since day one. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I swerved to avoid running over a dead cat in the road. Instead, I ran over its head. The crack of its skull was loud enough for me to hear it. FML

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By abc - Pakistan

Today, I took my friends out to an expensive restaurant for my birthday treat. They had arranged for a surprise birthday cake for me which I cut, very happily, while they chanted birthday wishes. When the bill came, I discovered I was supposed to pay for my great 'surprise' cake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend updated her Facebook status when I was with her. No, let me correct myself. Today, my girlfriend updated her Facebook status when I was in her. FML

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By UGH! - Canada

Today, I slid into a seat in a very busy foodcourt that was jam packed full of seniors at the mall. It was the only seat available, so I was quick to jump into it. It was soaked with urine. FML

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By JJ - United States - Irwin

Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML

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By Sophies - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I woke up on Christmas morning to find that a large cock and balls had been keyed into the windscreen of my car. My new, two-week-old car, which I will be paying off for the next four years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I declared I was done with online dating after several disasters. My friend set me up with a friend of her husband's. Turns out he's one of the men who rejected me on the website. He laughed when he saw me and said, "Well, this is awkward" and left. FML

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By Emily - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me by writing on my bathroom mirror in Sharpie. What did he write? "Hi, I'm Emily. I'm fat, ugly, and now single." FML

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By Tank - Canada

Today, my roommate is being evicted. Since we had some very good memories together I was sad to come home and see all of her stuff gone...and half of my stuff, too. FML

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By susan - United States - Naperville

Today, my daughter had a meltdown when I told her I donated some of her old toys to Goodwill. It turns out Toy Story has taught her that toys have feelings and that she has a meaningful relationship with them. She's in her teens. FML

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By northernlass - United States

Today, I was singing and playing keyboards with my band on stage at a club. A drunken chick from the crowd tried to climb up onto the stage in her heels, fell, and grabbed the back of my mic stand to catch herself. And busted me in the mouth with my own microphone. Then she requested a song. FML

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By dumped and dusted - United States

Today, 3 weeks after my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, she admitted it was a lie. Turned out it was just a test to see if I'd break up with her or not. I didn't, but I did just break the bank buying all the things we'd need for an actual kid. FML

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By ohgodwhy - Canada - Brampton

Today, a customer at the Walmart I work at had a hissy fit and began throwing merchandise everywhere, including at my face, because we are Canadian and don't have a show called "Extreme Couponing" for "devoted shoppers" like her. FML

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By Foot In Mouth - United States - Bentonville

Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML

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By Pissed - New Zealand

Today, I was standing in the gas station, pulling out my wallet to pay the $100 of gas I just filled my car with. I opened my wallet and found a note saying "borrowed money for food". FML

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By Chris - Ireland

Today, I jumped into a pile of snow which had built up against a wall. Turns out it wasn't snow but a pile of cement covered by an inch of snow. I now have a 3 inch cut along my leg and a sprained wrist from falling. FML

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By yikes - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom to pee. I looked at the toilet paper after I wiped and saw a spider on it. It was still wiggling its legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 05:01

Lookin' good

Today, I was sitting in the bus station when an old woman looked over at me, then said to her friend, "Young women are so pretty these days." Her friend looked up at me and said, "That's because makeup is so cheap these days." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my brother, the plumber, was called to unblock a toilet. Whenever this occurs, he takes a photo of it and sends it to me. It always seems to happen around meal time. FML

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By lovely321 - United States

Today, I was giving a strip tease over Skype to my boyfriend. My mom walked in mid-way through, took a long look at me, said hi to my boyfriend, and walked out. FML

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By bgoodwin07 - United States

Today, I found out my dad has been sending dirty text messages to my mom. Which wouldn't be a problem except they're divorced and my dad is remarried. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got called for a job interview. I didn't catch where it was, and in my excitement I forgot to ask. I now have no idea where I'm being interviewed. FML

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By keyshame - Australia - Leichhardt

Today, I took my car to be repaired. The mechanic put out his hand when he saw me, so I shook it. He just wanted my keys. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, while hiking and wearing sandals, I stubbed my toe. This wouldn't have been so bad had it not been into a cactus with 3 inch thorns. FML

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By owwthatfarts - United States - Worcester

Today, one of my preschool students hit me in the nuts in front of my whole class. If that wasn't bad enough, the blow to my crotch instantly triggered a very audible fart. FML

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Top comments

By nanxi | 30

#6290766 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:10

If this was a prank, your sister is an evil, evil genius.

By cutycat136 | 28

#6290770 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:11

Prank? I'm sure if she is your sister she would know if you had a pet one or not

COMMENTS

By finalyearsofhate | 22

#6290753 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:08

Set your house on fire.

EvilTurtle | 35

#6290820 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:34

No! That's a terrible idea....set your neighborhood on fire, just to be safe.

kibster9 | 20

#6290830 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:40

That's a worse idea! Set your whole town on fire!

psychopolarbear | 28

#6290831 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:40

Set the world on fire. Right now. Get all those eight legged little bastards at once.

Futacy | 29

#6290840 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:45

Or you could just come to your senses and realize that your sister's probably playing a joke on you.

randome101 | 12

#6291230 - Friday 15 May 2015 13:21

Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Niz_DD | 14

#6291536 - Friday 15 May 2015 21:37

Some spiders in this case

By Liamj774 | 36

#6290755 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:09

Just picking up the box, and carefully burn your house down. 100% effective

By mexican_music | 13

#6290765 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:10

Now I have a great prank to pull on someone

By nanxi | 30

#6290766 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:10

If this was a prank, your sister is an evil, evil genius.

By zenrael | 21

#6290767 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:10

Ever hear the word liar before?

EvilTurtle | 35

#6290862 - Friday 15 May 2015 1:03

Refer to my profile picture for the answer to your question

By cutycat136 | 28

#6290770 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:11

Prank? I'm sure if she is your sister she would know if you had a pet one or not

By Awesomeaxel | 24

#6290775 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:11

Ohh better find that thing or you may have an interesting surprise when you wake up..

By MrConcise | 34

#6290781 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:14

"Wait, you mean my missing snake, right? Last I saw him, he was headed towards your room..."

Miss_Whipped | 43

#6291053 - Friday 15 May 2015 6:10

I always give your comments thumbs ups before I see who it is and then I'm like 'Oh shit, it's MrConcise.'

Basically stop being awesome pls. Kthx.

MrConcise | 34

#6291289 - Friday 15 May 2015 15:20

#50 - Love you too, bae. Call me later.

By irish_lad | 16

#6290794 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:17

Spiders are scary fucks. I recommend a good dose of oil and a match on your house

By Kitty_Kat44 | 31

#6290795 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:18

I don't think you'll be getting much sleep. I know I sure wouldn't be. And pretty brave of her to pick a spider up big enough to be a pet tarantula.