Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my... - FML

By farksh - 7/3/2015 12:14 - Australia

Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my room. As I went to scoop it up with a tissue, it lurched away and fell near my bed. I can't find it, but I can sure as fuck sense the pure evil coming from it. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. FML

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Proactive

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

The student becomes the master

By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML

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By - 9/1/2020 20:00

Winner

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2010 17:13 - United States

Today, I learned it's not a good idea to answer your phone with "F*** off!" just because you're having a bad day. It could just be your pastor on the other end. FML

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By No.Life. - 14/7/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, I decided not to go on Facebook so people would actually think that I have a life. FML

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By cuntingbitchofawhore - 6/2/2016 03:11 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I told my step-mom that my medication is causing me to lose weight. She looked me up and down and suggested I triple my dosage. FML

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By Banana_Lord - 11/9/2015 23:50 - United Kingdom - Arbroath

Today, I rode my new bike for the first time. I made it less than 100 feet from my driveway before I was almost flattened by someone driving on the wrong side of the road. Upside: I managed to get out of the way. Downside: I did it by slamming my brand new, expensive bike into a wall. FML

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By Scarred for life - 13/3/2020 08:00

Frozen

Today, while volunteering at a senior care center, I witnessed a woman begin to remove her trousers. Then she began tearing apart her diaper. She then began to explore her body. I was unable to stop her. FML

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By ruined_suit - 17/4/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find that my neighbor's trash bins are still on the curb. While returning the bins to her backyard, her kid runs out and shoots me with a paintball gun. Multiple times. He thought I was a burglar and he ruined my new suit. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2018 17:30

Today, my mother-in-law flushed my pain medicine because she believes I’ve been using it too long and I’m addicted. I had surgery four days ago. FML

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By Jason - 24/12/2017 19:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out that conducting CPR and saving a man's life means nothing if you break his ribs. He is suing me for $10,000. FML

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By CoolGuy69 - 12/9/2016 11:53 - Sweden - M?lnlycke

Today, I studied all night for a big test. I ended up falling asleep on the bus ride there. I woke up in a different province. FML

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By _Tatyana_ - 13/6/2013 07:05 - United States - Gettysburg

Today, after getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I woke up from a much needed nap realizing I should take my pain medication. My mother then told me she had thrown them out so I wouldn't get addicted and become a drug dealer. FML

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By Sally - 31/10/2018 22:00 - United States

Today, I went over to the house of a guy I have hooked up with a few times. After we got done, I asked him why we were not in the room across the hall. He said that was his twin brother's room. FML

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By problems - 19/10/2014 03:03 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I have to make a decision. I either drive my dad around during the day so he can drink, or I let him drink and drive so I can focus on studying for my exams. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2013 21:05 - United States - Utica

Today, my wife appropriated our savings to finance her crazy, midlife crisis idea of designing and marketing Cheez Whiz dildos. FML

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By lauramarie - 23/7/2011 14:18 - Canada

Today, as I was hung over from a concert and refusing to get out of bed, my dad decided to hook up his top notch speaker system and play Christmas music that shook the house. It's July. Let the family weekend begin. FML

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By ScaredDude - 19/5/2019 04:07

Today, I was home alone in the dark and I heard the doorbell ring. I didn't know who it was so I didn't answer. They kept ringing, so I got a bit scared and called the police. When the police showed up, they told me it was a Chinese delivery guy with the wrong address. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2013 19:01 - Netherlands - Herkenbosch

Today, I tried coming on to my fiancé. He just pushed me off and got out of bed, saying he wasn't in the mood. A half hour later, I caught him jerking off to several windows of porn. FML

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By Bob H. - 26/10/2014 13:54 - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, my son asked for my help with a personal matter. I was flattered that he trusted me, since he's a paranoid, untrusting psycho. Turned out he wanted to use my locksmith skills to break into his ex's house and "teach her a lesson" for breaking up with him after he cheated on her. FML

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By DeepTaccer - 30/10/2010 21:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sucking on a Tic Tac. Just as I was starting to get into it, the Tic-Tac suddenly shot down my throat. After a minute of coughing and gagging, it came back up... out my left nostril. FML

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By wtfmom - 7/10/2014 21:10 - United States - Clanton

Today, I told my mom that I got into National Honor Society and Beta Club. Most parents are proud but not her. She told me to get a job and that she was tired of my school shit. FML

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By B_McG - 25/11/2009 18:31 - Canada

Today, I found out that my mother has been purposely wrecking every relationship I've had since junior high because ''no one is good enough for her little girl''. FML

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By fryebaby623 - 13/11/2015 05:47 - United States - Vero Beach

Today, I was so tired when I got home from work, I took off my bra without removing my shirt which I've done so often it is second nature. I successfully removed the bra, then snagged the clasp on a loose shirt thread, causing my bra to take on a life of its own and slap me in the face. FML

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By keepsmiling - 2/9/2009 11:19 - France

Today, I thought it would be sexy to surprise my boyfriend by hiding in the closet naked and pouncing on him as he came to get his pants. I never got to the pouncing. Apparently my boyfriend has heightened reflexes so instead I got slapped hard across the face. My ear is still ringing. FML

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By my arms hurt - 25/11/2019 20:00 - United States - San Diego

Phone holder

Today, I had to sit in between two boys on a two-hour bus ride. They were watching a movie and each of them had shared an earphone. They made me hold the phone up so both of them could see the screen. FML

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By anonymous - 20/11/2011 11:31 - United States

Today, I caught my husband once again looking at half naked pictures of a friend of mine on Facebook. When I asked why he did it, he said "I was checking to see if they were still there." FML

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By Fml - 12/4/2013 05:05 - United States - Lynn

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex; I know that some women are great multitaskers, but I'm guessing it was a bad sign when she started to go over the shopping list. FML

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By Noname - 31/12/2009 18:03 - France

Today, the incredibly handsome, talented, hilarious, and intelligent man that I've fallen head over heels like no other for is gay. FML

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By lonestar - 3/2/2010 13:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of deleting my texts from my phone because I'm afraid of him finding out about another man in my life. Truth is, I don't have a life outside of him. FML

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By ForeverAlone - 3/2/2018 15:00

Today, I asked my crush if she wanted to see a movie with me. She said no because she already saw it. The movie is coming out next week. FML

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By oliveoyl - 23/7/2011 04:05 - United States

Today, my husband, who is in the Navy, had a couple of his sailor friends over to hang out. The stereotype about their swearing is true. My two year old now won't stop saying "Fuck." FML

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By Sexting Parents - 16/11/2012 02:45 - United States - Short Hills

Today, my dad asked me to send my mom a text since he was driving and I was in the passenger seat. I pulled up my mom's contact on his phone, and I found that my mom had recently sent my dad a picture of her jugs, along with the message, "We miss you." FML

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By fuckinghicks - 30/12/2013 23:48 - United States

Today, while going on a jog through the countryside, I discovered that it is actually possible outside of crappy TV shows to have a rifle leveled at you, and to be shouted at to, "Get off my land." FML

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By clutzasaurus - 3/5/2013 05:35 - United States - Odessa

Today, I was feeling down about being stuck in bed after ankle surgery. I thought I would go ahead and call my boss and let him know everything went well. He said the obligatory nice things, then told me that if I'm not at work on Monday, I'll be fired. I can't even get out of bed. FML

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By unwanted - 19/3/2011 09:25 - Australia

Today, my parents fought over who gets the dog when they divorce. Nothing has been said about where my brother and I will live when they split. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2019 14:22

Today, I had to cover for a coworker so I worked a 12-hour shift. I worked so late, I missed the final episode of Game of Thrones, which I have been really looking forward to. Guess who texted me, talking about how it ended? FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 08:12 - United States

Today, after telling my parents just exactly what I thought of them and that I was moving out, the person I was supposed to move in with called to say they'd decided they would rather live alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2015 11:04 - Netherlands - Dronten

Today, I worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend that I love her. She made a face like she'd just sucked on a lemon and said "Um... yay, I guess...?" and awkwardly left the room. FML

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By slingshot - 7/9/2010 05:53 - United States

Today, I was waiting to speak to a customer service salesman in a store. To pass time, I was playing with a rubber band. The rubber band shot off and hit the salesman smack in the face. FML

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By Customer Stonage Representative - 21/10/2011 12:10 - Canada

Today, still suffering from an eye infection, I received a customer complaint. Having red eyes, asking how a patron's day went, and thanking them as they left my register obviously means that I must be stoned out of my mind. Apparently I've moved to a city where you must be on drugs if you're nice. FML

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Top comments

By cutycat136 | 28

#6224871 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:53

Okay. Now just don't think of the size of that spider and its long legs taking it all the way to the couch tonight. Good luck OP :)

By coming back in the future | 30

#6224877 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:57

Only in Australia.,

Comments

By Welshite | 39

#6224862 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:48

Good job. You've just created a spider-poltergeist intent on vengeance. Watch out for ghostly webs and an increased number of dead flies. You might be next.

Reply

Adeptus_Astartes | 22

#6224913 - Sunday 8 March 2015 0:25

Indeed, we must call the Inquisition in order to eliminate this un-holy threat! For the Imperium!

Reply

MrsDruidess | 23

#6225372 - Sunday 8 March 2015 9:24

this could have all been avoided by following one simple rule - double tap!!

Reply

anonpbc | 20

#6225412 - Sunday 8 March 2015 12:16

...who ya gonna call? ghostbusters!

By AnnaDeWitt | 27

#6224863 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:48

There's no hope now, OP. The only way you'll win this is by burning your house down.

Reply

psychopolarbear | 28

#6224876 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:57

That's the go-to method in supernatural. Pesky murderous spirits? Douse it in gas and torch it. Problem solved.

Reply

JMichael | 25

#6224878 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:58

I personally like that method.

Reply

captain_mal | 19

#6225154 - Sunday 8 March 2015 5:19

lol I like your style #8
ALWAYS ask WWS&DD (what would Sam and Dean do) hahaha

By cksmith51 | 14

#6224868 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:50

All aboard the NOPE train!

Reply

AutisticAbyss | 10

#6224957 - Sunday 8 March 2015 1:10

Seeing that OP is from Australia, a Goliath spider would demolish a nope train!

Reply

mundanemermaid | 11

#6225439 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:18

One ticket please.

Reply

Levvy | 22

#6225855 - Sunday 8 March 2015 22:54

Goliath birdeater spiders, unless you're referring to some different "goliath spider," don't live in Australia. They live in South America.

By cutycat136 | 28

#6224871 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:53

Okay. Now just don't think of the size of that spider and its long legs taking it all the way to the couch tonight. Good luck OP :)

Reply

tbro47 | 23

#6224922 - Sunday 8 March 2015 0:32

You are pure evil, lady.

Reply

cutycat136 | 28

#6224944 - Sunday 8 March 2015 0:57

#25 Who's soul do you think the spider found ?

Reply

tbro47 | 23

#6224953 - Sunday 8 March 2015 1:05

Good point. I guess in this case it pays to be more evil than the little bastard soul hunting.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6225022 - Sunday 8 March 2015 2:45

Exactly #4, does OP really think that a mere couch is a safe haven from a vengeful spider?
These things walk up walls and along ceilings...

Reply

dblogic | 19

#6226233 - Monday 9 March 2015 5:42

***shudder***

By liamk_26 | 16

#6224873 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:54

One time a spider repelled from the ceiling and almost landed on me before I noticed him. I still don't sit on that couch very often...

Reply

ThatDamHuntress | 20

#6224885 - Sunday 8 March 2015 0:02

That happened to me while doing my homework at a table.

Reply

Retaheki | 27

#6224998 - Sunday 8 March 2015 2:11

Mission Impossible: Spider Protocol

Featuring liamk and some spider

In theatres SOON™

By Chloecormier | 2

#6224874 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:54

Think it's time to look for some were else to live

By emeraldisle | 30

#6224875 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:54

I applaud you for even hitting the spider. I would've left the room and told some one else to kill it.

By coming back in the future | 30

#6224877 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:57

Only in Australia.,

Reply

mellajella | 14

#6224910 - Sunday 8 March 2015 0:22

The best place on Earth to see a spider eating a bird from the comfort of your own home.

Reply

Retaheki | 27

#6225000 - Sunday 8 March 2015 2:12

Spider's probably so big it can make it to the couch in like 3 seconds.

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#6225101 - Sunday 8 March 2015 4:47

Yeah, I was going to vote ydi because I don't like killing spiders for no reason...THEN I saw OP was from Australia. Good luck OP. : (

Reply

sturschaedel | 27

#6225365 - Sunday 8 March 2015 8:53

... where spiders have life-bars

Reply

cheshireau | 26

#6225374 - Sunday 8 March 2015 9:25

Huntsman's can GTFO

By Iron_Pi | 1

#6224880 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:59

Australia, where unless you kill the spider first, you can guarantee that you are next.

By Enslaved | 36

#6224881 - Sunday 8 March 2015 0:00

Couch? Haha like he can't still get to you!