Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my... - FML

By farksh - 7/3/2015 12:14 - Australia

Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my room. As I went to scoop it up with a tissue, it lurched away and fell near my bed. I can't find it, but I can sure as fuck sense the pure evil coming from it. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. FML

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Incognito browsing

The end of the road

Trip Advisor says no

By lice - 28/3/2009 13:34 - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend I went into his shower to freshen up. Where I saw an open bottle of pubic lice shampoo. FML

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By sothisishowidie - 30/9/2013 11:18 - Guam - Yigo

Today, my friends and I spent a little too long enjoying a beautiful cliff overlooking the ocean. We spent the next 3 hours lost in a pitch black jungle with only one pocket-sized flashlight. FML

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By nerdgirlmickey - 3/3/2013 16:05 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my girlfriend can do Heath Ledger's "Joker" voice perfectly. I'm not sure if I should be scared or impressed. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2013 08:02 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I woke up to find that my parents had replaced my regular alarm clock with a walking one that requires you to get up and find it. The alarm was set to 5:00AM, which would have been fine if it wasn't the weekend. FML

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By ZAS - 15/6/2009 07:45 - United States

Today, my mom and I rented a hotel room. She decided to go to bed, while I watched MythBusters. Apparently, my mom got hot while she slept. She threw the covers off of herself and pulled up her night-gown. I turned to find out that my mother does not wear underwear when she sleeps. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, my dad told me he has money set aside for when he has to bail me out of jail because "it's bound to happen sooner or later." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2015 02:04 - United States - Lees Summit

Today, I sent the girl I like flowers, only to have her later post a picture of them online, saying, "ha when losers send you flowers". FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2012 00:51 - Australia - Kew

Today, I saw a photo on Instagram of my friend flipping the camera the bird. She'd tagged it under "irony", so I jokingly suggested that she borrow a dictionary. She responded with a tirade of abuse, claimed to be sleeping with my boyfriend, and blocked me an hour later. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I got a call from the Sheriff's dept. saying that water was coming out my front door. I ran home to find a waterfall cascading over my covered parking. It turns out my puppy had chewed through the hose that connects the toilet to the water. My entire condo had an inch of standing water. FML

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By megmo7 - 4/10/2010 08:24 - United States

Today, my roommate who stays out til 4 or 5 in the morning each night got her key to the dorm fixed. I've been having to stay up nightly to let her in (my normal bedtime being 12:00) How'd they fix it? Turns out it was never broken she was just putting the key in the slot wrong. FML

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By mommabuser - 1/7/2012 15:59

Today, my daughter's hamster pulled the water bottle off the glass, so I decided to super-glue the bottle back on. We came back an hour later to see if it had stuck, only to find both the bottle and rodent glued to the glass. FML

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By sickened - 21/9/2014 18:23 - United Kingdom - Gateshead

Today, I had a garage sale, and had amongst my clothing a few sets of underwear. A old man came up and asked to buy all of them. I'm so poor, I couldn't say no to the pervert. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2015 22:26 - United States - Irving

Today, my mother in law accidentally cc'd me on an email she was sending to my husband, telling him that his youth is fleeting and that he should leave me while he still has time. FML

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By Emily Salt - 15/2/2011 08:34

Today, whilst nibbling on my husband's ear, I swallowed a lump of his earwax. FML

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By catguy - 19/8/2009 09:08 - United States

Today, and for quite some time, my girlfriend has been telling me that she needs to go home each night to take care of her cat. Taking care of her cat is, it seems, an euphemism for having it off with her neighbor Tom since her cat died three months ago. FML

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By glorified taxi driver - 11/6/2020 20:08

Capitalism kills

Today, after starting a new job, having two ovarian cysts rupture and been in and out of the hospital twice in a week, I'd been told that I couldn't work, needed surgery, and could lose my ovary. I’m 23. I was told that my job was secure and not to worry. I received my termination letter. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2019 16:00

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs and the next seat. FML

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By justmyluck - 26/8/2011 05:28 - Australia

Today, after waiting 3 months, I finally got my wedding dress back from the dry-cleaners. The dry cleaning lasted longer than the marriage. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2019 20:00

Can't win

Today, my supervisor told me off for doing something. When I reminded her that she told me to do it, she yelled at me for correcting her. FML

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By imarriedanaxemurderer - 18/6/2013 05:01 - United States - Joliet

Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML

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By shyshy96679 - 20/6/2011 22:42 - United States

Today, I was using the restroom when a little girl tried to open my stall. It was locked, so she slid under the door and tried to have a conversation with me while I was pooping. FML

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By shampoomice - 7/8/2013 16:34 - United States - La Porte

Today, I noticed that my new shampoo had an unfamiliar pink color to it. After some investigation, I found a dead mouse that had apparently cut itself on the bottle pump. I've been washing my hair with mouse blood. FML

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By ipaid350dollarsfornothing - 15/3/2013 07:09 - Qatar

Today, my prom dress finally arrived. My prom was yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I flew to see the guy that I've been in love with for 3 years. We spent the day at Walmart. To buy a plunger. After I blocked up the toilet. FML

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By blink_kid - 10/8/2012 12:57 - United Kingdom - Bathgate

Today, my boyfriend, who lives 100 miles away and whom I haven't seen in 2 months, told me he was visiting my city with some friends. I assumed this was an opening to an invitation, but no, he just asked me about the best places to get drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2016 07:46 - Netherlands - Overveen

Today, I dreamed a rat crawled up from the toilet and attacked me. Now I'm afraid to even enter the bathroom. FML

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By Pups4Cups - 26/10/2016 12:43

Today, I finally realized why my 9-week-old puppy was going to the bathroom so much. I went to pick up the food bag and realized she had chewed a hole in the bottom, and eaten half of the bag in the last 4 days. Goodbye 30 pounds of dog food, and 100$ for a vet visit. FML

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By Jim - 10/3/2011 18:09 - United States

Today, my friends told me that they couldn't make it to my birthday dinner unless I changed the time, because I'd made dinner reservations that would clash with the new episode of Jersey Shore. FML

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By notapedobear - 13/1/2011 08:21

Today, I was in a shopping centre when a little girl was running up and down the aisles. She started to fall over so I put my hand out to catch her. Her mother then ran up to me and screamed about me 'touching her child' so loud that everyone could hear. FML

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By rach - 19/5/2013 22:33 - United States - Roy

Today, I got my nails, hair, and makeup professionally done for prom. My dad got his camera out, and I presumed he was taking pictures of my date and me. When I looked at the pictures later, they were all of the dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2019 16:16 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my coworker and I were discussing our office's lack of break room, and how we should suggest a picnic table for our upcoming landscaping. We concluded that someone would let their dog steal our lunches if we ate outside. Working at the vet's sucks. FML

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By kdehshaden - 30/4/2012 08:25 - United States

Today, after a lot of begging, I finally convinced my husband to shave all of his pubes off. Now I can't even look at it without laughing, and he's mad at me for making him do it. FML

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By Franklin - 18/12/2017 19:00

Size isn't everything!

Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I am a 230-pound former soldier. He is a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML

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By JaneDoe - 4/4/2013 02:51 - United States - Salisbury

Today, it was my friend's birthday, so I baked him a cake complete with his name written on it in homemade frosting. After I gave it to him, his mother berated me for it, saying I should have checked with her first before making a cake for her son. He's 28. FML

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By jcheer113 - 17/5/2010 04:10 - United States

Today, while I was driving, I saw my driving instructor from high school walking on the sidewalk. As I waved to him, I rear-ended the car in front of me. Guess I really showed him how much I learned from him. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2012 00:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 22:26 - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML

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By tryingtoberomantic - 28/9/2019 14:00 - Australia

Too much of a good thing

Today, I took my boyfriend out to dinner to an expensive restaurant. He overate, and now I have to nurse him through food poisoning. FML

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By wittlegirl - 13/7/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, my parents think that I don't realize all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table: "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, at work, one of my 6 year old students who has had intense speech therapy since kindergarten, told me "I can tell you're hot, because you rolled your sleeves up." I was very pleased with his articulate sentence, until he said "Your arms are hairy." FML

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Top comments

By cutycat136 | 28

#6224871 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:53

Okay. Now just don't think of the size of that spider and its long legs taking it all the way to the couch tonight. Good luck OP :)

By coming back in the future | 30

#6224877 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:57

Only in Australia.,

COMMENTS

By Welshite | 39

#6224862 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:48

Good job. You've just created a spider-poltergeist intent on vengeance. Watch out for ghostly webs and an increased number of dead flies. You might be next.

Reply

Adeptus_Astartes | 22

#6224913 - Sunday 8 March 2015 0:25

Indeed, we must call the Inquisition in order to eliminate this un-holy threat! For the Imperium!

Reply

MrsDruidess | 23

#6225372 - Sunday 8 March 2015 9:24

this could have all been avoided by following one simple rule - double tap!!

Reply

anonpbc | 20

#6225412 - Sunday 8 March 2015 12:16

...who ya gonna call? ghostbusters!

By AnnaDeWitt | 27

#6224863 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:48

There's no hope now, OP. The only way you'll win this is by burning your house down.

Reply

psychopolarbear | 28

#6224876 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:57

That's the go-to method in supernatural. Pesky murderous spirits? Douse it in gas and torch it. Problem solved.

Reply

JMichael | 25

#6224878 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:58

I personally like that method.

Reply

captain_mal | 19

#6225154 - Sunday 8 March 2015 5:19

lol I like your style #8
ALWAYS ask WWS&DD (what would Sam and Dean do) hahaha

By cksmith51 | 14

#6224868 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:50

All aboard the NOPE train!

Reply

AutisticAbyss | 10

#6224957 - Sunday 8 March 2015 1:10

Seeing that OP is from Australia, a Goliath spider would demolish a nope train!

Reply

mundanemermaid | 11

#6225439 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:18

One ticket please.

Reply

Levvy | 22

#6225855 - Sunday 8 March 2015 22:54

Goliath birdeater spiders, unless you're referring to some different "goliath spider," don't live in Australia. They live in South America.

By cutycat136 | 28

#6224871 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:53

Okay. Now just don't think of the size of that spider and its long legs taking it all the way to the couch tonight. Good luck OP :)

Reply

tbro47 | 23

#6224922 - Sunday 8 March 2015 0:32

You are pure evil, lady.

Reply

cutycat136 | 28

#6224944 - Sunday 8 March 2015 0:57

#25 Who's soul do you think the spider found ?

Reply

tbro47 | 23

#6224953 - Sunday 8 March 2015 1:05

Good point. I guess in this case it pays to be more evil than the little bastard soul hunting.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6225022 - Sunday 8 March 2015 2:45

Exactly #4, does OP really think that a mere couch is a safe haven from a vengeful spider?
These things walk up walls and along ceilings...

Reply

dblogic | 19

#6226233 - Monday 9 March 2015 5:42

***shudder***

By liamk_26 | 16

#6224873 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:54

One time a spider repelled from the ceiling and almost landed on me before I noticed him. I still don't sit on that couch very often...

Reply

ThatDamHuntress | 20

#6224885 - Sunday 8 March 2015 0:02

That happened to me while doing my homework at a table.

Reply

Retaheki | 27

#6224998 - Sunday 8 March 2015 2:11

Mission Impossible: Spider Protocol

Featuring liamk and some spider

In theatres SOON™

By Chloecormier | 2

#6224874 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:54

Think it's time to look for some were else to live

By emeraldisle | 30

#6224875 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:54

I applaud you for even hitting the spider. I would've left the room and told some one else to kill it.

By coming back in the future | 30

#6224877 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:57

Only in Australia.,

Reply

mellajella | 14

#6224910 - Sunday 8 March 2015 0:22

The best place on Earth to see a spider eating a bird from the comfort of your own home.

Reply

Retaheki | 27

#6225000 - Sunday 8 March 2015 2:12

Spider's probably so big it can make it to the couch in like 3 seconds.

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#6225101 - Sunday 8 March 2015 4:47

Yeah, I was going to vote ydi because I don't like killing spiders for no reason...THEN I saw OP was from Australia. Good luck OP. : (

Reply

sturschaedel | 27

#6225365 - Sunday 8 March 2015 8:53

... where spiders have life-bars

Reply

cheshireau | 26

#6225374 - Sunday 8 March 2015 9:25

Huntsman's can GTFO

By Iron_Pi | 1

#6224880 - Saturday 7 March 2015 23:59

Australia, where unless you kill the spider first, you can guarantee that you are next.

By Enslaved | 36

#6224881 - Sunday 8 March 2015 0:00

Couch? Haha like he can't still get to you!