Animals: Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my... - FML

By farksh - 07/03/2015 12:14 - Australia

Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my room. As I went to scoop it up with a tissue, it lurched away and fell near my bed. I can't find it, but I can sure as fuck sense the pure evil coming from it. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 107

You deserved it 6 249

This Charming Man

Dementia or hate? You decide

Slot machine addicts

By AJL - 04/07/2014 01:30 - United States

Today, I parked my motorcycle in a parking spot. When I came back, my bike had been moved and was laying on its side with a note saying, "Sorry I dropped your motorcycle I was trying to move it forward so I could park my car because there weren't any other spots." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 418

You deserved it 6 655

Bad Moon Rising

By SleeplessinNJ - 10/12/2020 05:01 - United States - Raritan

Today, one of my fiancé's groomsmen is an alcoholic, and my fiance is in denial about it. He's a nice guy when sober, but belligerent, disrespectful and out of control when drinking. My fiancé refuses to acknowledge my anxiety at having him in our wedding with an open bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 76

By Lisaa918 - 10/06/2009 14:49 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I went to go have a look and she was pretend cooking. When I asked what she was making she said "look mommy, chocolate!" and stuck her finger in my mouth. It wasn't chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 124

You deserved it 6 162

Open season

By Mapmouse - 27/01/2021 11:03

Today, I drove home to Las Vegas after being in quarantine in Los Angeles for two weeks. The lights were on and the lock was busted. My apartment is completely ransacked. Yay 2021. FML

I agree, your life sucks 934

You deserved it 67

By Anonymous - 22/08/2015 06:58 - United States - Cadillac

Today, I showed up to my new job early, hoping to impress my new boss. When he arrived, he walked by me and muttered "Fucking tryhard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 728

You deserved it 3 397

By IrNatalie - 02/06/2015 08:59 - United States - Laveen

Today, a customer yelled at me because the cherry pie he bought had cherries in it, and he wanted a refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 618

You deserved it 1 879

By 99jellybean - 26/01/2016 03:02 - United States - Rochester

Today, a girl in my class threw a temper tantrum. Why? Because she wanted my seat. We're in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 162

You deserved it 1 418

What ARE you doing?

By grounded - 03/01/2010 16:40 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was on Facebook when I saw a link about what Pokémon would look like if they had genitals. I'm not quite sure why, but I decided to click it, and at that exact moment, my brother and his friend walked in. They told my mom I was looking at Pokémon porn. I'll never be able to live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 939

You deserved it 28 048

By ex-employee - 02/04/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, my boss came up to my desk to talk about a new project. He came up to my monitor so we can go to a website. My browser had frozen and I couldn't close it. The tabs I had open: Facebook, Gmail, Careerbuilder, Monster, and Resume Samples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 063

You deserved it 69 086

By monster1109 - 10/08/2015 15:51 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I got into the shower with my glasses on by mistake. I spent 5 minutes convinced that the fog in my vision was me going blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 222

You deserved it 9 307

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 21/05/2020 17:00

Today, my nephew, who I was assured had previous experience, was closing jobs down on the computer after dealing with the customers on the phone without processing the payment for any of their orders. He’s been working for me for weeks. God knows how much money I’ve lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 664

You deserved it 423

By Danners88 - 11/11/2009 04:36 - Australia

Today, I was at a Remembrance Day service when an old widow told me I had my "grandad's" medals on the wrong side of my coat. I told her that I was an Afghanistan veteran and that they were mine. She then berated me in front of the WHOLE service for "lying". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 289

You deserved it 2 830

By Anonymous - 09/07/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, after buying dinner from the supermarket, I had the change in my hand, and my wallet. In the parking lot, a quarter fell out of my hand, and right next to the street drain. As I went to pick it up, my wallet fell down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 263

You deserved it 11 237

By CanadianEH - 08/11/2016 23:39

Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 594

You deserved it 3 194

By Florida_1827 - 28/01/2011 10:54 - United States

Today, I received the 'special' present my mother had sent me for my 21st birthday. I opened the box and saw that my mother had picked out, accessorized and shipped to me, in college, a doll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 789

You deserved it 4 509

By macaroni17 - 10/04/2014 02:33 - United States - New Oxford

Today, we had a speaking assessment in Spanish class. When it was my turn, I yawned in the middle of a sentence, said "excuse me" and finished my sentence. She took points off because I hesitated and I spoke in English, not Spanish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 928

You deserved it 12 754

By theyarefarapart - 09/05/2011 07:05

Today, I found out that my classmates affectionately refer to me as "the kid whose eyes are really far apart." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 697

You deserved it 3 549

Thanks for coming in, Mr Belch

By ZG1 - 13/02/2021 20:00

Today, I burped and sneezed during a job interview, I don’t think they were impressed by my talents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 647

You deserved it 213

By ColdMN - 03/02/2011 17:02 - United States

Today, I trying to scrape the ice off my car, but wasn't having much luck. Frustrated, I kicked a clump off from the bumper. The clump didn't budge, but the entire front quarter panel fell off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 219

You deserved it 11 089

Pants on fire

By IDontWantToBeHere - 09/06/2021 22:01

Today, my ex told me he wants honesty in a relationship. I agree. It's a shame he felt it was OK to tell lies from the very beginning of the relationship that lasted about 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 818

You deserved it 80

By RIPcareer - 18/10/2015 19:18 - United States - Ellicott City

Today, after submitting my college application, I noticed that I mistyped "math enthusiast" as "meth enthusiast". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 976

You deserved it 7 918

By jxfc - 07/11/2016 08:11 - United States - Tracy

Today, as I was helping a customer, she asked if it was my first day and who was training me. Evidently, I'm bad at my job, because I've worked there for 7 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 543

You deserved it 1 503

By Cococautly - 04/07/2009 04:49 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at the zoo. With a Ring Pop. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 678

You deserved it 13 864

By Anonymous - 13/05/2019 10:00

Today, I had to help pick a jury for trial. I had to do a roll call to make sure that everyone was present. I stood up in front of a packed courtroom and said, “Okay, I’m going to do a roll call to make sure that everyone is here and pregnant.” Everyone laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 466

You deserved it 627

By Anonymous - 17/07/2010 20:31 - United States

Today, I was looking for a parking spot and finally found one. Trying to figure out if the spot was legal, I asked a cop that had pulled up. He said it was fine. I came back 3 hours later to a parking ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 889

You deserved it 3 989

By Bill - 06/12/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my 5 year old on my lap. All of a sudden, she turned to me and said, "Daddy, I love your boobies. They're a good pillow." My own kid just called me fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 888

You deserved it 18 063

By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 08:40 - France

Today, one of my husband's old college buddies came over for dinner. We reminisced about our college days, and he laughed as he told the story about my husband making up a friend, Marc Deveau, that he'd say he was visiting when he was cheating on his girlfriend. My husband still sees Marc Deveau. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 347

You deserved it 3 968

By Kat - 24/12/2015 21:51 - Australia

Today, I made a typo in a line of code, bringing the company website down. Our admin was already pissed about having to work over Christmas, and he started yelling at me and ended up punching my supervisor when he got between us. Pretty sure my screw up indirectly got the poor guy fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 292

You deserved it 3 265

By PicklesMcRaptor - 25/03/2012 11:59 - United States - Miami

Today, as I was walking my dog, two cute girls from my school were walking towards me on the sidewalk. I thought it would be appropriate to wave and give a smile. My dog thought it would be appropriate to viciously bark at and mount one of the girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 564

You deserved it 3 512

Now listen here, you lot…

By Angelthecat - 06/03/2020 00:01

Today, I sent out a Happy Snow Day text to 20 of my closest friends. My boyfriend, who doesn't have an iPhone, didn't realize it was a group text. He sent back a text breaking up with me. To all the people in the group message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 821

You deserved it 215

By sabotaged - 02/11/2015 00:05 - United States - Oakland

Today, I got fired from my dream job. I found out today that the girl who trained me lied and taught me how to do things wrong, so that when she got back from maternity leave, she could get me fired and take her job back. My new coworkers were in on her plan from the beginning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 751

You deserved it 1 555

By gng2fckngkilluyoufckngfckr - 03/08/2012 18:31 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. I also found out that my best friend knew about it all along. When I confronted him, he tried to justify the betrayal by saying that she paid him to keep quiet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 351

You deserved it 1 967

By nomorexbox - 26/04/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 962

You deserved it 13 429

By KidJwal - 28/02/2012 17:10 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a cop that the reason I was speeding was because my girlfriend was in the hospital due to a car accident. He was working the accident just ten minutes before and saw me leave behind the ambulance. He still gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 442

You deserved it 6 933

Fingers crossed

By NotASize0 - 04/04/2013 15:12 - Denmark

Today, while shopping for a birthday present for my size 0 friend, I picked out a pair of pants for her. When paying, the cashier looked me up and down and said, "Well, you're pretty optimistic aren't you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 603

You deserved it 4 247

By Anonymous - 30/04/2014 21:51 - United States

Spicy

Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 469

You deserved it 5 493

By singing

By Ramb0 - 21/12/2019 01:00 - United Kingdom - Christchurch

Today, I was headbanging so hard to a song in the shower that I hit my head on the wall and got a concussion. I'm now in hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 745

You deserved it 2 065

By raebelle - 02/06/2011 17:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went shooting. While I was showing him how to properly hold and adjust a rifle, he accidentally pulled the trigger. The gun kicked back and hit me in the face, breaking my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 569

You deserved it 10 742

Not a cheating!

By Notcheating - 03/12/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, my father-in-law caught me, a lesbian, buying condoms. He thought I was cheating. I didn’t know how to tell him that his daughter is allergic to our dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 067

You deserved it 452

By Anonymous - 17/04/2017 08:00 - Australia - Moonee Ponds

Today, my 3-year-old missed the toilet. In the time it took me to get paper towel to clean it up, my one-year-old decided it was the perfect puddle to play in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 119

You deserved it 576

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Saturday 7 March 2015 23:53

Okay. Now just don't think of the size of that spider and its long legs taking it all the way to the couch tonight. Good luck OP :)

coming back in the future 30

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Saturday 7 March 2015 23:57

Only in Australia.,

Comments

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Saturday 7 March 2015 23:48

Good job. You've just created a spider-poltergeist intent on vengeance. Watch out for ghostly webs and an increased number of dead flies. You might be next.

Adeptus_Astartes 22

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Sunday 8 March 2015 0:25

Indeed, we must call the Inquisition in order to eliminate this un-holy threat! For the Imperium!

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Sunday 8 March 2015 9:24

this could have all been avoided by following one simple rule - double tap!!

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Sunday 8 March 2015 12:16

...who ya gonna call? ghostbusters!

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Saturday 7 March 2015 23:48

There's no hope now, OP. The only way you'll win this is by burning your house down.

psychopolarbear 28

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Saturday 7 March 2015 23:57

That's the go-to method in supernatural. Pesky murderous spirits? Douse it in gas and torch it. Problem solved.

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Saturday 7 March 2015 23:58

I personally like that method.

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Sunday 8 March 2015 5:19

lol I like your style #8 ALWAYS ask WWS&DD (what would Sam and Dean do) hahaha

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Saturday 7 March 2015 23:50

All aboard the NOPE train!

AutisticAbyss 10

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Sunday 8 March 2015 1:10

Seeing that OP is from Australia, a Goliath spider would demolish a nope train!

mundanemermaid 11

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Sunday 8 March 2015 13:18

One ticket please.

Levvy 22

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Sunday 8 March 2015 22:54

Goliath birdeater spiders, unless you're referring to some different "goliath spider," don't live in Australia. They live in South America.

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Saturday 7 March 2015 23:53

Okay. Now just don't think of the size of that spider and its long legs taking it all the way to the couch tonight. Good luck OP :)

tbro47 23

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Sunday 8 March 2015 0:32

You are pure evil, lady.

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Sunday 8 March 2015 0:57

#25 Who's soul do you think the spider found ?

tbro47 23

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Sunday 8 March 2015 1:05

Good point. I guess in this case it pays to be more evil than the little bastard soul hunting.

False_Stupidity 41

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Sunday 8 March 2015 2:45

Exactly #4, does OP really think that a mere couch is a safe haven from a vengeful spider? These things walk up walls and along ceilings...

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Monday 9 March 2015 5:42

***shudder***

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Saturday 7 March 2015 23:54

One time a spider repelled from the ceiling and almost landed on me before I noticed him. I still don't sit on that couch very often...

ThatDamHuntress 20

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Sunday 8 March 2015 0:02

That happened to me while doing my homework at a table.

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Sunday 8 March 2015 2:11

Mission Impossible: Spider Protocol Featuring liamk and some spider In theatres SOON™

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Saturday 7 March 2015 23:54

Think it's time to look for some were else to live

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Saturday 7 March 2015 23:54

I applaud you for even hitting the spider. I would've left the room and told some one else to kill it.

coming back in the future 30

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Saturday 7 March 2015 23:57

Only in Australia.,

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Sunday 8 March 2015 0:22

The best place on Earth to see a spider eating a bird from the comfort of your own home.

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Sunday 8 March 2015 2:12

Spider's probably so big it can make it to the couch in like 3 seconds.

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Sunday 8 March 2015 4:47

Yeah, I was going to vote ydi because I don't like killing spiders for no reason...THEN I saw OP was from Australia. Good luck OP. : (

sturschaedel 27

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Sunday 8 March 2015 8:53

... where spiders have life-bars

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Sunday 8 March 2015 9:25

Huntsman's can GTFO

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Saturday 7 March 2015 23:59

Australia, where unless you kill the spider first, you can guarantee that you are next.

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Sunday 8 March 2015 0:00

Couch? Haha like he can't still get to you!

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 530

You deserved it 104

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 256

You deserved it 92