Love: Today, my godmother informed me that the rule of thumb my ex...

By housebroken - 22/01/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, my godmother informed me that the rule of thumb my ex had used for our relationship during a year of cohabitation was taken directly from a Cesar Millan book on "How to train dogs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 368

You deserved it 3 313

Love

Compromises

Broken heart

In vain

By Anonymous - 01/12/2013 21:43 - United States - Wailuku

Today, concerned about my daughter's recent behavior, I looked through her web browser history. I found web searches for information on how to make a bomb to blow up a "horse". I'm not sure if she's illiterate, but either way it seems I need to get her some help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 072

You deserved it 4 278

What about me?

By crushed - 23/05/2020 02:00

Today, my wife told me about an old boyfriend she had. She told me that they used to fool around, and that she’d give him blow jobs all the time. I never get any action like that from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 622

You deserved it 231

Alas, poor Donald

By Hit and Run - 13/07/2021 07:59 - United States

Today, while driving, I put on my hazards and slowed to a stop to let a family of geese cross the street. The pick-up truck behind me however, decided to change lanes and speed off, running over at least half of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 082

You deserved it 86

Mystery woman

By Anonymous - 15/02/2021 07:58

Today, my husband of 4 years is tagged in a #ValentinesDayChallenge post on Facebook. No, I didn’t tag him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 85

Lonely, so lonely

By Anonymous - 01/12/2020 05:02

Today, after a nice Thanksgiving with my parents, and the usual question about when I'll bring a woman with me to meet them, I absentmindedly launched the usual dating app. I swiped completely dry with no matches, reminding myself that my entire city doesn't have one person interested in dating me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 1 035

Epic

By Anonymous - 25/04/2021 08:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I ended up missing all my Zoom classes because I had the audacity to stay up all night and build an epic Minecraft fortress. And then I accidentally deleted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 241

You deserved it 2 207

By HereForJAMMF - 09/11/2016 17:50

Today, I've actually developed a crush on a guy I never intended to crush on, and also can't have. For one he's married and utterly devoted to his wife. And even if that weren't true, he's so far out of my league I need binoculars to see him. And to top it all of? He's fictional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 342

You deserved it 6 202

Kevin can fuck himself

By Anonymous - 21/06/2021 00:01

Today, my husband was two hours late from picking up my daughter from practice. I called his cell once to check if they were alright. When they finally arrived, he was annoyed at me for "controlling" him. He then pushed his sweaty shirt in my face to take in his "musty scent". When I refused, he got mad again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 940

You deserved it 103

By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 16:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my 14 year-old son sent a broadcast on my blackberry saying ''I'm a young gay man looking for some fun!'' to all my contacts as a joke. What he didn't know was that it's my work phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 780

You deserved it 5 636

By shygirl - 20/05/2012 13:13 - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, my sister got married. It was also the day that I was supposed to deliver a heartfelt toast to the happy couple. I got so nervous that I kept stuttering and finally ended with "Congrats Beth and Steve!" Her husband's name is Eric. Her ex was named Steve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 198

You deserved it 10 131

By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 09:33 - Australia

Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 672

You deserved it 5 657

Caught

By losingstreak - 31/01/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I was looking at porn on my laptop when my mom came into my room to talk to me. After she finished what she was saying, she paused and said, "You know, I can see the reflection of your computer screen in your glasses." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 217

You deserved it 37 856

By tired - 16/01/2013 19:02 - United States - Boston

Today, I walked up sixteen flights of stairs to my room to avoid the lift lines. When I was almost to the top, the fire alarm sounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 521

You deserved it 3 781

By BrokeAndPsst - 12/04/2011 04:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend chose the most expensive restaurant in town, then spent the entire time facebooking, texting, and playing games on her phone while I dined in silence. This is the second time we've been out this week. She didn't even eat her food. I didn't even get a thank you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 087

You deserved it 14 879

By brandon - 10/01/2011 17:04 - Canada

Today, I spent 30 minutes trying to unlock my garage door. After shouting several profanities, my roommate walked up to me, turned the key the other way, and unlocked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 607

You deserved it 33 268

By Anonymous - 14/12/2014 07:07 - Canada - London

Today, my mom wouldn't let me go to the YMCA pool with the rest of the family. She said that the sound my thighs make when they rub together is "embarrassing". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 811

You deserved it 5 035

By Anonymous - 04/11/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 526

You deserved it 8 129

By Winchesterlover - 05/02/2011 18:41 - United States

Today, my mom and I tried out Just Dance 2 on the Wii. When we both threw out our hands at the same time, my mom's Wii remote hit my hand and ripped my finger nail. As I stared at the bloody, half hanging off nail, my mom muttered, "You should have stayed in your dance space." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 761

You deserved it 8 829

By ihateithere - 25/03/2019 20:00

Today, I had to decide between buying medicine and buying food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 592

You deserved it 210

Congratulations. Or not.

By Anonymous - 24/10/2019 14:03

Today, I was told that I will be a father in 2 months. I had a one night stand about 7 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 744

You deserved it 2 003

By SKG95 - 22/08/2019 16:00

Today, I had a flight to Philadelphia, but it got canceled due to bad weather. I booked another, which got delayed. After waiting for almost 12 hours at the airport, I boarded, just to have a super annoying toddler kicking my seat from behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 661

You deserved it 122

By klutz - 10/08/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, me and my friend were following this hot lifeguard around a waterpark. In the wave pool, I decided to be cute and "accidentally" bump into him during the waves to start a conversation. As I prepared to do this, a large wave pushed me off my feet and I fell face-first into his butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 813

You deserved it 56 673

It's the final countdown

By Anonymous - 08/06/2011 04:35 - United States

Today, I found out my mom has notebooks with lists of everything she has bought for me ever since I was born. Apparently she is going to make me pay her back for all the money she spent on me once I'm an adult. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 474

You deserved it 3 861

By Chandler - 16/09/2011 19:26 - United States

Today, in a desperate bid to avoid going to the doctor, my young son ran into and hid inside a cactus garden. I had to drag him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 781

You deserved it 2 921

By crystalwho - 20/01/2009 21:06 - United States

Today, I went downstairs to grab a snack and a glass of Silk (you know, the soymilk). When I get back to my room, I go to throw the snack on my bed to shut the door, but I tossed with the wrong hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 404

You deserved it 24 373

By Anonymous - 04/04/2009 12:08 - Australia

Today, I slept over at my boyfriend's house and he offered to give me a massage, as he'd found a book on sensual massage and wanted to test it out on me. When he went to the bathroom, I found the book open on his desk- at "Massage to eliminate cellulite". FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 044

You deserved it 7 733

By hitchhiked - 04/01/2012 06:28 - United States

Today, I picked up a hitchhiker. He was well dressed, and seemed trustworthy. As soon as he got in, he pulled out a gun and stole my wallet and car. All of this occurred in front of a sign warning against picking up hitchhikers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 951

You deserved it 85 887

By Sios - 11/04/2012 15:06 - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out that my apartment complex has no rules against having charcoal grills on the porch. So did the guy who lives below me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 914

You deserved it 2 782

By Cromwel620 - 23/02/2010 11:52 - United States

Today, I was working the night shift at the hotel I'm employed at. After checking in a young couple to the room above the main office, I was forced to listen to them having it off for most of the night, serving a very loud reminder that I've been single for five years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 061

You deserved it 3 215

By Anonymous - 13/11/2009 22:29 - United States

Today, I learned I have over $10,000 in debt, despite never owning a credit card. Apparently, my ex-roommate had been replying to the credit card offers I was receiving in the mail. That also explains my missing driver's license a few months back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 324

You deserved it 3 062

By Oops - 04/07/2014 17:35 - United States

Today, I was at the gym, when I saw my uncle at the front desk. I quietly went up behind him and slapped him hard on the back while yelling "What's up, loser?!" He turned around. It wasn't my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 939

You deserved it 43 481

By Anonymous - 17/05/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, I was on a bike ride when a bug flew into my eye. Not wanting to stop, I figured I would just keep that eye closed until I could cry it out. Five seconds later, a bug flew into my other eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 897

You deserved it 8 664

By Anonymous - 13/10/2014 15:42 - Australia - Burnside

Today, my wife pressed a button in the elevator and quickly ran out, leaving me in there with my crying baby. When the elevator arrived at the floor, the doors opened on a wedding reception. The doors couldn't have taken any longer to close again FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 988

You deserved it 3 874

By Anonymous - 09/02/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend on Grand Theft Auto because he was "tired of having to please two women at once." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 512

You deserved it 4 050

By ouch - 19/12/2009 15:15 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with the worst stomach cramps ever. My boyfriend came, looked at me writhing in pain, and said, "Well at least if it's a tapeworm you'll get skinnier." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 293

You deserved it 3 785

By highschoolgrad - 08/06/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, my family and I were about to watch the video my dad took of me walking across the stage at my high school graduation. Turns out he recorded the wrong kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 157

You deserved it 3 102

What a treat

By Anonymous - 17/02/2017 15:00 - United States - Sainte Genevieve

Today, I asked if my friend wanted to come meet my dog and give him a treat. We were walking to my back yard, her holding 3 hot dogs, when she said, "I think your dog is dead!" I said, "No, he's just old and sleeps all the time and won't wake up until you pet him because he's deaf." He was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 540

You deserved it 647

By asdfghjkl_12 - 25/02/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend owns and wears more thongs than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 627

You deserved it 6 668

By GamerGirl - 30/01/2010 15:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating so I broke up with him. As revenge he threw my PS3 and XBox out of the window when I wasn't in our house. I got those consoles out of the spare money my three jobs had brought in - the same three jobs I had to get because he refused to get a job of his own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 016

You deserved it 8 681

Ticket to ride

By Anonymous - 25/08/2021 22:01

Today, I was in a bus headed to another city and fell asleep as did everyone else. I must've woken up last, because I half-snorted as I woke up and everybody heard. Now we’re on a coffee break and I can see them all snicker about it outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 665

You deserved it 122

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Top comments

playnejayne 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:03

"Rule of thumb" comes from an old British law that states a man cannot hit his wife with anything wider than his thumb.

Poke_my_mon 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 19:22

Yeah, Wikipedia is TOTALLY inaccurate because "anyone can edit it". Yes, anyone can edit it, but unless it's backed up by a credible source, it won't be allowed by administrators. And, if it is, there is a note that says "This is not information from a credible source" ir "Citation needed". People who hate on Wikipedia for that reason are ignorant.

Kerryyy 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:02

Like an episode of The Big Bang Theory..

playnejayne 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:03

"Rule of thumb" comes from an old British law that states a man cannot hit his wife with anything wider than his thumb.

micci1979 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:59

While rumor has it that the "rule of thumb" refers to an old law regarding wife-beating, that theory has been discredited. Wikipedia states it more likely refers to using your thumb to measure out an approximate inch. You could beat your wife with whatever you liked.

bahdspeler 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 17:18

If your thumb is only one inch long, you are weird.

Jrook 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 17:29

yeah wikipedia... you say that as if it were credible

dsrs3777 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 18:02

Micci1979 Are you aware of the fact that wikipedia can be edited by anyone? I could write that Elvis was alive and living in my basement. Please don't cite it as a credible source...

Poke_my_mon 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 19:22

micci1979 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 21:02

You could also try phrases.org.uk, or dictionary.reference.com if Wiki doesn't suit you. Says the same thing. :)

afarr 0

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Saturday 23 January 2010 2:27

umm. no it doesnt

afarr 0

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Saturday 23 January 2010 2:28

Thats bullcrap. Shawie

CyclonePsycho 1

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Saturday 23 January 2010 5:07

Wikipedia is pretty credible. Sure, using it as a source for reasearch papers and such will net you an F, but Wikipedia is great if you need general information. Every time someone edits a page, it is checked over by patrollers. Vandalism is usually fixed in less than an hour. Unfortunately, that particular article on Wikipedia needs additional sources and stuff. So use that information at your own risk.

a1s 3

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Thursday 11 February 2010 4:01

I always thought "rule of thumb" referred to direction of magnetic lines in relation to the direction of electric current and... err... something or other, from physics class. It would always amazed me how something like that would make it into colloquial speech.

wildmonkey 16

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:49

Wikipedia also said polar bears live in the jungle. You can't trust sites anyone can change.

oh_darling 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:03

My dad uses his principles on his assistant managers at work! Be the pack leader! :D

Jimboom 11

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:09

Well you really should have guessed that was the case when she started balancing treats on your nose.

Oista 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 20:35

She?

3_Kitten_3 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:10

I'm sorry, this fml just made me laugh. I am sorry though, at least he is now your ex

pjfromok 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 18:07

That is shallow. What matters the technique that is used as long as their is LOVE and TRUST.

GeorgeBoosh 0

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Saturday 23 January 2010 8:44

Cesar's technique's don't even work properly on dogs (check his bandages in the TV clips). So why IS he your ex? LOL

anela_fml 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:15

you never asked?!!

Rota 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:54

Women need to be trained like dogs. It's all their simple minds can understand.

mmlprsh 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 17:19

I thought that was men...

joshhh11 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 18:35

no, women are extremely complicated beings that need to be very carefully tricked into doing things!

missey_jey 0

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 1:48

@7 your sexist and stupid to say at the least. you need to be careful about what you put on the internet.

Titanus 0

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Wednesday 9 June 2010 16:26

I like your profile picture. but honestly? that could be the mostbsexist thing i've ever heard...

bluebellchimes 15

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Saturday 26 January 2013 18:47

What you said was mean and sexist. This isn't the olden days where women were treated like dogs. This is the 21st century. Women are equal of men and if you can't get that into your brain. Then your gonna have a hard time coping in life seeing all these free women