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By Pleonasm - 18/02/2015 15:14 - France - Lyon

Today, I pulled a muscle in my right shoulder and can barely move my arm. My friends keep asking if I'm sure it wasn't from jerking off too much. Truth is, I pulled it by playing on my computer too much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 846

You deserved it 7 905

Pleonasm tells us more.

Pleonasm 35

Thursday 19 February 2015 0:57

I hold my mouse in an awkward position and my elbow floats in the air, putting the weight on the shoulder. If I play for too long, it aches. But it started when I used a machine to work out and hurt my shoulder doing the butterfly press I think.

Two in one

By cactii - 16/02/2015 20:43 - United States

Today, I accidentally crashed my mom's car into my dad's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 473

You deserved it 14 449

By monsterdanceman - 23/10/2013 23:16 - United States - Ozark

Today, I tried to tackle my fear of heights by riding a rollercoaster. Once we were near the top, it malfunctioned, causing it to stop, and we all had to get out and climb back down. My girlfriend laughed at me for how scared I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 172

You deserved it 4 897

By Anonymous - 15/12/2011 17:26 - United States

Today, while at family dinner, my boyfriend got drunk and told my entire family the things I do in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 904

You deserved it 5 571

By effyou - 10/02/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, my best friend decided to start dating my ex. We broke up yesterday. She also thinks I'm crazy because I'm upset about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 456

You deserved it 4 228

It's fine, I'll walk

By assholedad - 11/02/2015 21:00 - United States

Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 383

You deserved it 11 053

By Shelly - 14/12/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, I accidentally called my cute boss "babe." I now have to pretend it's what I call everyone, and start calling all my coworkers "babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 978

You deserved it 34 079

By fired101 - 08/02/2010 06:04 - France

Today, it was my first day of work at a very high end company. While delivering coffee to my boss, I set it down on the edge of a magazine, where it spilled over, into his crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 450

You deserved it 7 427

By LunaCrow - 10/02/2015 02:32 - United States - Shakopee

Today, I had a friend tell me all about how being a vegan was so great. They were eating eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 533

You deserved it 3 129

By Teiu88 - 20/10/2013 14:34 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I realized how bad my OCD is when I accidentally got a paper cut and I was annoyed by the fact that the cut wasn't in a straight line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 706

You deserved it 6 911

Logical fallacy

By Danny - 11/11/2012 05:05 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was renovating the house, and my girlfriend asked, "Do you use electrical tape on electrical stuff?" Not knowing where she was going with this, I just gave her a puzzled look. She continued by saying, "Because it's not like people use duck tape on ducks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 625

You deserved it 3 331

By Anonymous - 01/01/2009 18:21 - France

Today, my boss got a promotion and I got laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 970

You deserved it 2 217

By Anonymous - 09/11/2012 18:28 - Argentina - Villa Sarmiento

Today, I was giving my son a driving lesson. He blatantly ran a red light, so I told him to pull over to let me drive us home. As I walked over to the driver-side door, he instead locked me out and drove off by himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 987

You deserved it 7 383

By that guy - 06/02/2015 16:56 - United States - Atascadero

Today, my girlfriend told her parents that she's pregnant. We have never even come close to having sex, but she told them I'm the father. Not only is my girlfriend cheating on me, but her father now wants me dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 962

You deserved it 3 164

Food for thought

By Anonymous - 08/11/2012 06:13 - United States - Houston

Today, I was told I will be having twins; this came as a shock since there are no twins in my family. When I asked my mom about it, she said that she wasn't surprised and not to worry about it because she had "absorbed her twin" and that the problem would "take care of itself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 171

You deserved it 2 056

Come again?

By Alice - 22/07/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, my manager came in and said, "Hey Alice, great job closing so well last night. NOT." and walked off. When I heard the door shut, I said, "And great job being a bitch, you cow." I heard my manager walking back towards me. She wasn't the one who'd left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 725

You deserved it 48 438

Nutritious

By Anonymous - 19/07/2020 17:01

Today, I caught my dog “cleaning” the cat’s litter box. He won’t be giving me any kisses anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 244

You deserved it 281

How does that work?

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 20:00

Today, after I spent years, and thousands of dollars, searching for my birth father, he changed his mind about adopting me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 902

You deserved it 171

By marigoldcobain - 04/02/2015 23:11 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I was talking to my friend in Spanish because he understands it better than English. We were in the middle of a discussion about a TV show when some guy from our school ran up, spat on my shoes and screamed, "I SPEAK SPANISH, STOP TALKING ABOUT ME!" and ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 957

You deserved it 3 180

marigoldcobain tells us more.

marigoldcobain 21

Saturday 7 February 2015 5:32

Knock knock! Who's there? You're a dumbass. I'm OP and he already knew English pretty well, he just doesn't excel in it. Let's also just keep in mind I live in Texas and we were only having a casual conversation. The purpose wasn't to help him understand the English language, it was just to have a normal conversation. I don't think continuing conversations in his first language will make him automatically forget his second.

By sly - 04/01/2009 03:55 - France

Today, I tried to cuddle Simon, my five year-old son. He wriggled away and said, "If you need a teddy bear, go buy one! Or get another Simon!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 174

You deserved it 3 793

By wtfdaughter - 03/02/2015 16:59 - Brazil - Recife

Today, my daughter put a doll in the microwave "to keep her warm". She's 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 530

You deserved it 4 830

By HSampsON - 13/10/2013 21:20 - Niger - Niamey

Today, in revenge for me pulling the old salt-in-the-soda prank on him, my dad showed up at my college dressed in a tight blouse and miniskirt, demanding that I come home early with him. I think I'm going to be lynched next time I go to class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 099

You deserved it 13 803

By Pooperscooper - 20/07/2009 18:45 - France

Today, I learned when you're babysitting a 5 year old, and you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh", it's already too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 459

You deserved it 41

Between a rock and a hard place

By Anonymous - 25/10/2021 04:59 - Canada - Enderby

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 547

You deserved it 196

By jk2010 - 03/02/2010 17:44 - Israel

Today, I finally removed my car insurance after realizing it costs too much money. Since I then had more money, I went to celebrate with ice cream. On the way, I got hit by a truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 136

You deserved it 55 794

By Anonymous - 06/12/2011 02:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed that my facial hair had grown by an acceptable amount. I spoke to my Dad and decided to show him, thinking he would approve of my manliness. His exact words when I showed him were, "Nah, son. You just look like a lesbian." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 825

You deserved it 5 717

Muscle memory

By Namnack - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Today, I found I had rolled, and was smoking a cigarette without realising it after proudly entering my third day of being a non-smoker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 046

You deserved it 32 958

Grandma's here!

By Anonymous - 29/10/2021 14:00

Today, my mother-in-law was so rabid to meet her first grandson, she didn’t just nudge me aside to get to the delivery room, she two-hand shoved me in the chest so I flew backwards and down a flight of stairs. I’m now in a neck brace for a hairline crack to my vertebrae and can’t pick up my own son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 700

You deserved it 80

Fast food dinner

By anonymous - 18/12/2019 20:00 - United States - San Angelo

Today, I called my husband and asked him what he wanted from our favorite fast food place. A divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 226

You deserved it 200

By anonpbc - 28/01/2015 13:51 - United States - Salina

Today, I went on my first date in over 4 years with a smoking hot guy. The big event was a trip to Target. I work at Target. He took me to my workplace for our date. And they say romance is dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 003

You deserved it 3 046

anonpbc tells us more.

anonpbc 20

Thursday 29 January 2015 23:20

OP here. To clarify for the haters, I do know what a date is supposed to be, I'm not an idiot. We had been planning to meet up for weeks. The date was lame, hence why I posted to FML. But it was definitely intended as a real date, accompanied by dinner and shopping a few other stores. No errands were ran, No groceries or Tp was purchased. I visited a few coworkers & he picked up a few electronics items. and no I didn't buy it or use my employee discount. It was my day off & he knew it was my workplace.