Making New Friends

Today, my brat of a coworker tried to convince our boss that I should get paid half of what I'm making because I broke my right arm. I'm left handed, broke it on the job, and still doing a better job than her. She makes double what I do. FML

Proactive

Rock, hard place

Reliable

By BossesLittleBrat - 25/9/2016 12:47 - United States - Jamestown

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833

Today, my boss threatened to fire me for racism after I refused to hire a black woman. I didn't hire her because she came to the interview wearing what was basically a bikini and she was covered in tattoos depicting lewd sex acts. FML

By Anonymous - 23/6/2018 19:00

Professional.

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278

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be amusing to sneak into my room and jump me in my bed. Too bad that when she jumped, one of her knees landed on my crotch. I haven't been able to walk properly since this morning. FML

By Anonymous - 4/3/2010 00:36 - Canada

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Today, at work, I had to help a teenager who was stuck in a toy car for kids, and no, it was not in one piece when she finally got out. FML

By mala_19 - 12/6/2017 14:00 - Sweden

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235

Today, I found out that one of my subordinates, who is whiny, incompetent, undermining, the definition of passive-aggressive and stupid, was given a pay raise. She now makes more than me. My boss values a complete moron over me. FML

By Anonymous - 6/8/2019 22:00

1575

241

Today, my friend, who I'm moving in with, flew up to drive from Pennsylvania to Texas, where she lives, with me. I went to the airport to pick her up and we discovered she accidentally flew to the wrong airport. On the other side of the state. I'm driving through the night to rescue her. FML

By LongDriveNoSleep - 24/5/2016 10:38 - United States - Washington

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Today, I had a meeting with HR that resulted in me being dismissed for poor performance. I was confused because up until that point, my line manager had said my performance was exemplary. Turns out it wasn't, and he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to be stressed. FML

By - 19/12/2018 13:00 - United Kingdom - Colchester

2675

Phew, glad it wasn't me

316

Today, I got called into work and I was really excited to earn some extra money. One block from getting there I get pulled over. Apparently my tags were expired, and there goes half a weeks pay. FML

By bankergirl - 16/1/2010 07:22 - United States

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Today, my mother told me that the carbon-monoxide alarm went off last night, but since she didn't smell any gas, she decided to just remove the batteries and go back to bed. I had to explain to her that you can't smell carbon monoxide, and that we could have died in our sleep. FML

By Kelso - 6/2/2010 18:22 - United States

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Today, one of my dad's work friends came over. As he was leaving, he complimented my dad on having three "strapping young boys." I informed him that I'm a girl, and I have a hormone imbalance that causes me to have a lot of hair and a deep voice. I guess my dress didn't give him a clue. FML

By rarara - 30/10/2012 21:26 - United Kingdom - Manchester

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Today, I was buying condoms at Walmart. I grabbed the XL size, and the cashier commented, "Ahh, you'll definitely need a smaller size." FML

By nottoosmall - 3/4/2013 16:57 - United States

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Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML

By Anonymous - 15/5/2015 23:55 - United States

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Today, I signed up for an online dating site. After completing their personality quiz, I set the distance to a 60 mile radius of where I live. Then to the country. Then to the whole world. I got no matches for any of the settings. FML

By Rajin - 23/3/2009 20:38 - Canada

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Today, while working as a teacher at a daycare, a two year-old girl decided the best way to share that she had pooped was to reach in her diaper and attempt to hand some to me. FML

By disgusted - 25/9/2014 04:03 - United States - East Waterboro

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Today, I flew from Texas to meet my new girlfriend's family in Georgia. Turns out her sister was a random hookup I had a year earlier on a business trip, she remembered me as the douchebag with premature ejaculation. Guess who’s flying home single? FML

By Douche - 31/7/2020 23:01

Karma chameleon

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1662

Today, my husband told his parents that he was quitting his job so that he could focus on school. They asked him what he was going to do for money. When I told them that I'd be the one working, they took one look at me and burst into laughter. FML

By Anonymous - 6/8/2014 16:57 - United States - San Antonio

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Today, I walked ten miles to pick up my car from the towing station. Turns out there was enough change for the parking meter in the glovebox after all. FML

By Anonymous - 24/2/2011 09:44 - New Zealand

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Today, I realized that before I can legally drink, I will have been married, divorced, and pregnant. FML

By Username - 5/12/2010 17:04 - United States

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Today, my mom called my workplace and told my boss to make sure I wear a hat so I didn't get heatstroke like I did on my last shift. I'm 25. FML

By notmysistersbf - 20/4/2015 02:39 - Canada - Summerland

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Today, my daughter asked me to get her razors. When my 19-year-old son saw them he asked what they were for, to which my daughter replied, "For my armpits." My son then said, "Girls don't grow armpit hair." FML

By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 04:59 - Canada - Newmarket

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Today, I got up early and really put some extra effort into my appearance to catch the eye of a cute guy at work. I walked in and the woman that sits in the desk beside me looks over and says, "wow, are you sick? You're not looking too good." FML

By Noname - 24/2/2009 23:00 - United States

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Today, my dad told me that my mom wanted to name me something "unusual." He eventually got her to compromise. I go by Violet. I now know that my legal name is Purple. FML

By Purple - 6/11/2014 01:12 - United States - Fremont

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Today, just like everyday, I opened my med box, took out a blister pack and took one of the pills before putting the pack back in the box. Today, not like everyday, I had diarrhea. Turns out one of the packs was laxatives put in my med box by my boyfriend because they looked the same as my meds. FML

By DefinitelyNotMyMeds - 22/2/2019 20:00 - Canada

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Today, while out of town, I got a hysterical phone call from my teenage nephew who was pet-sitting at my house. My geriatric dog, who seemed fine when we left, had died during the night. Now my family is mourning the dog and my nephew is traumatized. FML

By down1dog - 26/7/2020 20:01

RIP in peace

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108

Today, after being cut out of the car, on the way to hospital in the ambulance, we were involved in another accident. FML

By skitzobiatch69 - 13/9/2011 17:07 - Australia

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Today, at my local amusement park, I decided it'd be fun to meet someone on the roller coaster by sitting alone and hoping that someone nice would sit next to me. I rode the roller coaster 7 times. I sat alone each time. FML

By Anonymous - 8/7/2014 19:40 - United States - Clive

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Today, my neighbor brought a ruined napkin holder over and claimed that we drilled a hole through his wall and ruined it. I apologized, not telling him that it was actually a bullet that my boyfriend shot through the wall. FML

By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 05:53 - United States

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Today, I checked into a hotel for a work trip. When I walked in, the sheets and bath mat were stained, and there was soap-encrusted hair stuck in my folded towel. When I got back later in the day, all my stuff was gone because they apparently thought I'd checked out. FML

By cacheson - 5/3/2020 03:02

Trip Advisor rating: 5 turds

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103

Today, I was walking my dog when another dog barked at him. My dog ran, pulling me with him. I fell to the ground in pain, with my hand still holding the leash. FML

By Anonymous - 23/8/2020 22:49 - Canada - Toronto

Classic canine move

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280

Today, I went out clubbing with a few friends. A cute guy pointed at me from the bar and motioned for me to come over. I was excited and did just that. Turns out he just wanted to ask me if I'd thought about seeing a doctor for my jaundice. No, I just overdid my spray tan. FML

By Anonymous - 3/9/2012 17:16 - United States - Pensacola

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Today, I paid $125 to get my car back after it was towed. Yesterday, I bought the car. When I got it to my apartment, the office wasn't open, so I couldn't get a parking decal. The same office that towed my car while they were still closed. FML

By broke - 16/11/2016 03:08 - United States - Orlando

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Today, I came home from holiday, only to find my house full of small decomposing animals, courtesy of my cat. FML

By Ellencrazee - 13/8/2011 10:22 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was sitting at the computer browsing various websites. In my attempt to scoot the chair forward, I hit my knee against the desk that my computer was on, and ended up breaking it. I literally broke my knee sitting on my ass. FML

By Charles - 21/6/2011 16:59 - United States

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Today, my step-sister told me that she was getting married to her girlfriend next summer. At a big family brunch, I made a toast to their marriage. I didn't know that my step-mom didn't know they were dating in the first place, or that she was severely homophobic. FML

By anon - 28/7/2015 05:02 - United States - Northbrook

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Today, I opened up an English textbook to find someone else's dirty fingernails between the pages. FML

By Marcipaud - 5/5/2016 17:51 - United States - Detroit

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Today, I found out that the guy I've been sleeping with is my mom's gynecologist. FML

By Anonymous - 29/1/2015 19:18 - United States - Dearborn

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Today, I was playing around on Photo Booth, using weird effects on pictures of myself. I clicked on one and thought to myself that it was a really ugly effect. Then I noticed that it was set on normal. FML

By ugly5402 - 6/1/2010 21:05 - United States

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Today, I helped two people find the central station on my way home. As a thank you, they mugged me and stole my wallet and iPod Touch. FML

By americanized - 22/11/2010 15:25 - Denmark

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Today, our school chorus went to a senior citizens' home. An elderly lady died during my solo. FML

By sorrygrandma - 1/2/2012 03:34 - United States

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Today, I woke up to the smell of bacon. It smelled so good, and made me very hungry. Then I realized it was my neighbor cooking. I have no money or bacon. FML

By Username - 25/11/2011 16:15 - United States

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