By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 02:01

Billy no-mates

Today, I feel both happy and jealous of my father. It's his birthday and he has received over 100 times more phone calls than me. I'd had two: one from my local bank manager and one from my girlfriend. FML

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1181

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Strawberry surprise

Family extension

Just a prank, bro!

By Pseudo - France - Vitry-le-fran?ois

Today, I asked my little cousin if he had a girlfriend if he had a girlfriend. “Yes,“ he said. “Two, but I’m going to keep the one with the biggest boobs.“ He’s 7. FML

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13225

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. After about 10 minutes, while we changed positions, he shouts, "Power Rangers - It's Morphin' Time!" FML

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62758

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12584

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By Trey Deluna - United States

Today, my mother asked me to drill a hole in one of the studs in her ceiling. Finding it a little odd, I asked her about it. It turns out she's installing the sex swing her boyfriend bought her, and I got to help. FML

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33394

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By just the tip, though - United States - Grovetown

Today, at work teaching a cooking class, one of the kids asked if they could use a knife to help me chop vegetables. I said no, because it was very sharp and only staff members are allowed to use them. Just as I said that, the knife sliced through the tip of my thumb. FML

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42930

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By MeAgainDr... - Australia - South Perth

Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML

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By tictacnose - Canada

Today, my sister attacked me and stuffed a Tic Tac up my nose. I'm currently in the hospital waiting to have it removed. FML

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34399

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By dillon - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I watched a Youtube video about artists who ripped off other artist's songs. All of the bands that were accused of stealing were all bands that I really enjoy. FML

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39244

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By pooped - China

Today, I was walking to find a public toilet in a Chinese village. While looking for the women's restroom, I stepped on a thin sheet of plastic. I fell into the toilet's waste collection area and found myself knee-deep in the villagers' faeces. FML

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71835

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By whymyroomthough - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up because of a weird noise. Scared, I turned on my bedside lamp. I saw my older, 17-year-old brother peeing in my bedroom doorway. He was hoping I'd step in it in the morning. FML

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43078

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By Benji - United Kingdom

Today, I was watching TV with a cup of coffee. My mum asked if I wanted a Mars bar. I said that would be great and she threw one at me, catching me off guard. The Mars bar went straight into my coffee, spilling it over my bare legs. I now have a scald mark on my penis. FML

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51441

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By Anonymous - Canada - Bridgewater

Today, I started my job selling perfume in a department store. I decided to be creative and sprayed a little perfume towards the first person who walked by. She had an allergic reaction, and an ambulance had to be called. FML

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21652

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By Thay - United States

Today, I logged onto Tinder to see if I had any messages. I had one: "Get off Tinder." FML

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13838

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By Anonymous - Bangladesh

Today, while trying to break up with my girlfriend, I somehow ended up begging her not to break up with me. I'm still not sure how that happened. FML

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By NoSacredSpace

Today, I can finally say there’s no part of my body that hasn’t had a pimple show up. I found a zit on my clit. FML

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4837

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496

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I couldn't contain my laughter when a patient told me she'd named her unborn daughter Twinkie. FML

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37141

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5355

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By sydthekid2000 - 23/3/2020 20:08

Remember me?

Today, I called my workplace to ask if I was going to be working, and if our store would be open. I was told that yes, we're still open, however, I can order inside, but I can’t sit in the dining room. They thought I was a customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1223

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243

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By Angie - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and filmed it, because it would "be a big hit on YouTube." FML

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28104

You deserved it

1962

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By lanikai610 - United States

Today, there was no toilet paper left, so I asked my grandmother if I could use her Kleenex tissues. I found out too late that they were Vicks vapor rub tissues. My crotch has been burning for the last half hour. FML

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32270

You deserved it

7579

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By Vgameboi - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was showing off pictures of me to co-workers. It wasn't until later that he said, "Don't worry, they were old pictures, from when you were hot." They were from four years ago. FML

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28320

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By Anonymous - United States - Hicksville

Today, my girlfriend sent me a bunch of sexy pics and said to come over to her place. I thought she was in the mood for sex. Nope, she just wanted me to come over and hang a shelf, after which she sent me back home. FML

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44830

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By Lil_bit - France

Today, I backed into our new garage door. The same new garage door that we purchased because I broke our old one by backing into it. FML

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7711

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By anon - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend watches porn. Specifically, today, while I was in the shower. In the next room. We were alone in the house and he still chose porn. FML

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32573

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By soccercrazed1520 - France

Today, I was taking a warm shower when someone in my house flushed the toilet, making the shower extremely hot. In my rush to get out so I wouldn't get burned, I slipped and knocked a tooth out. FML

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35185

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By Jessika - United Kingdom

Today, I finished a ballet class with a group of seven-and-unders. Afterwards, a new student's mother came up to me and thanked me, saying she was glad that her daughter had a "role model with a, ahem, fuller figure" and "not to worry about my weight." I have never thought I was fat before. FML

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By sad fat drunk - 25/5/2020 05:00

Boozehound

Today, I realized that my one and only motivation to lose weight was the fact that it would take less alcohol to get me blitzed if I didn’t weigh as much. FML

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1081

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By lobstercola - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was walking through a crosswalk when a lady in a car looked at me with a horrified expression and then hit her door locks repeatedly. FML

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26950

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By Mike - 16/9/2020 09:02 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Baby brain

Today, we had two-year wedding anniversary. A few months ago, I insisted on going to a therapist because my wife can only think and talk about our one-year kid. My present for her was a Spa day, flowers and chocolate. Her gift to me was a Lego set to build for our kid. FML

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1359

You deserved it

251

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By thatgirl17 - United States

Today, I was working the cash register. While helping a customer with her groceries, my bra snapped. I then had to ask my male boss if I could staple it back together. Thirty minutes later it snapped again. I then had to explain to my boss that I was too broke to buy a new one. FML

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26107

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By waternixie - Malaysia - Rembau

Today, my OCD reached a new high when I used a correction pen to white-out an eyelash which was photocopied onto every single page of my reading material. I did it because the eyelash was too distracting and I couldn't finish reading the article without the urge to rip it into shreds. FML

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33112

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, during a family dinner, my favourite underwire bra got tired of its job and tried to shish-kebab my boobs. FML

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By sabrinatarmine_ - United States - Carmel Valley

Today, I told my boyfriend I had diabetes. He won't talk to me anymore because he thinks I'll infect him with it. FML

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52538

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By dank meme - United States - Chicago

Today, I learned that my neighbor of 9 years has a kid. I learned this after I knocked down his snowman. FML

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5301

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By Username - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law informed me that since she is putting money into our wedding, that all the planning and arrangements are under her authority. FML

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41199

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 02:02 - United States

Seize the means of production

Today, my boss told me that he is really getting scared of Covid-19. He's too cheap for tests. His solution? He'll work from home for 2 weeks while I meet with all employees 1-1. If I don’t get sick, he'll feel OK coming back. FML

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1392

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By Zahkrii

Today, while returning from a class, I stopped to use the bathroom. While in said bath room, someone threw a chip bag filled with piss water into the stall I was using. FML

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2658

Phew, glad it wasn't me

335

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By 800z - United Kingdom

Today, I biked 15 km to my girlfriend's house in really heavy rain to surprise her. Turns out she's on holiday in Spain, and hadn't bothered to tell me. FML

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37395

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4596

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By whoneedsdumbcars - United States

Today, at a restaurant, I noticed a really hot girl leaving with her friend. A few minutes later they came back, laughing uncontrollably, and announced that some moron forgot to put on their parking brake and the car was rolling into the full parking lot. It was my car. They watched me chase it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little 7 year old brother asked me what horny meant whilst in the car with my parents. When I wouldn't tell him what it meant he screamed, "I'm getting horny!" at the top of his lungs, and told my parents that I told him to say it. FML

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67605

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By anaph0re - France

Today, it was good fun getting this nice vampire make-up at my drama lesson. It would have been better if I hadn't forgotten my demake-up. Even better if I could have avoided those crazy glances in the bus home. FML

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8657

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By No Job - United States - Prairieville

Today, I was supposed to start my new job. I had forgotten I had a doctor's appointment, so I called work early and told them I wouldn't be able to start until tomorrow. My boss then terminated my employment. I got fired before I even started. FML

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Top comments

By MandazInTC | 32

#7930558 - Thursday 13 August 2020 2:46

People have various relationships with people who show love and appreciation differently. If you want more friends, go make some. Be grateful that you have a girlfriend that cares for you too.

By Zebediabolical | 37

#7930577 - Thursday 13 August 2020 4:49

Why would anyone want 200+ phone calls in one day ever?

COMMENTS

By MandazInTC | 32

#7930558 - Thursday 13 August 2020 2:46

People have various relationships with people who show love and appreciation differently. If you want more friends, go make some. Be grateful that you have a girlfriend that cares for you too.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7930563 - Thursday 13 August 2020 3:55

Happy birthday!
Now you have three.
Don't get hung up on it too much. Although why your parents didn't wish you a happy birthday is bothering me... How is your relationship with them?

By millsjoshua949 | 12

#7930564 - Thursday 13 August 2020 3:55

You're jealous that your father got birthday wishes? That's kind of sad. ydi

By spinspinsugar | 9

#7930566 - Thursday 13 August 2020 4:07

today's my birthday too. idk when yours is but happy birthday, internet stranger 💓

By Zebediabolical | 37

#7930577 - Thursday 13 August 2020 4:49

Why would anyone want 200+ phone calls in one day ever?

By Jonkbaby | 19

#7930597 - Thursday 13 August 2020 7:28

generational difference- they are used to calling, as for us, we're lucky if we remember to leave a note on fb

By wysegirl | 19

#7930713 - Thursday 13 August 2020 13:40

You should at least be happy you got a call from your girlfriend. Things could be worse.

By dahthunderbird | 8

#7930783 - Thursday 13 August 2020 20:06

i have the same with my family, i have trouble making friends... my brother has tons of friends... so have my parents, but i ... i have about 3 at most

By Nic1330 | 4

#7930784 - Thursday 13 August 2020 20:06

happy birthday pal, I'm not gonna sit here and try to justify the reason you're dad got 100 phone calls

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7930828 - Thursday 13 August 2020 23:56

I hope you got more than a phone call from your girlfriend