Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I "always wear... - FML

By Kevin - 21/5/2019 16:02

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I "always wear that stupid little hat." I'm Jewish. FML

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Rock, hard place

Ghosted

Vultures

By Devin - 19/5/2013 05:26 - United States

Today, I was roasting marshmallows around a campfire when mine burst into flames. I instinctively shook the stick to get it to go out. The flaming marshmallow then catapulted straight into my eye, burning my whole eyelid. FML

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By Chaosfigure - 3/9/2017 13:00

Today, after my driving instructor told me I should pass without any worries at all, I completely failed. I was hit by another car. While parked. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2009 06:27 - Ghana

Today, I learned that because of my new medication, I can either avoid getting malaria, or have a male yeast infection. I'm stuck in Africa for the next two months, and have to sit down to pee because I don't want to irritate my penis by touching it. FML

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By Ali - 5/3/2017 22:30 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, my father cut my hair for the first time. Now, I always have to wear a cap when I go outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 04:46 - Australia

Today, I was doing photography, and decided to climb onto the roof of a building to photograph the city. I dropped a square of chocolate over the edge just to appreciate the height. Apparently somebody saw me, I was arrested and am now being charged for trespassing and firing missiles. FML

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By hatboxghost - 9/7/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, my suburban, white boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to tell me something serious. He sat me down, looked me in the eye and said "I want to be gangster." I started laughing thinking he was joking. He was 100% serious. FML

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By bman - 7/4/2012 06:41 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I caught myself staring at my grandmother's cleavage. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2014 23:49 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, the guy I live with demanded that I get a job or start paying rent. It'd be perfectly reasonable, if he wasn't my husband, and if I hadn't just given birth to our first child. FML

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By SlappyMcGee - 8/1/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, my biology teacher told me that every Friday we should wear a hideous shirt to count down the last days of freshman year. So when Friday came around we decided to have a contest for most hideous shirt. I won. I forgot to wear a hideous shirt. FML

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By PerturbedStudent - 9/12/2015 23:42 - United States - Keller

Today, I finally received my first love letter. Too bad it was from the boy who lit me on fire two months ago. FML

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By Kellye - 16/9/2009 00:24 - United States

Today, my father called me for the first time in two weeks since I moved away. Excited, I answered the phone. It was a mistake. He thought he'd called my sister. FML

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By redjesus69 - 3/2/2010 03:52 - United States

Today, after almost nine months of doing anything and everything to show my love for my girlfriend and make her happy, she told me she would give "anything" to relive the one week of her and her ex's relationship where she was the happiest in her life. FML

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By FourKnees - 15/5/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I accepted an internship in Chicago and finished my final exams. I decided to play some pick up basketball one last time before summer. Within 2 minutes I got undercut going for a rebound and shattered my knee cap into 3 pieces. My summer in Chicago will be spent in a full leg cast. FML

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By jacked - 17/4/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, my car got a flat tire. I jacked up my car, removed the flat and went to get my spare out of the trunk. Where my spare is supposed to be I found a note. It said "You're a bitch - John". John is my ex boyfriend. He borrowed my car the day we broke up, apparently he stole my spare tire too. FML

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By giantsfan2010 - 23/9/2010 04:31 - United States

Today, after working and saving up money for an entire year, I bought a 2001 VW Cabrio. I showed it to my friends, they all laughed at me and told me it was a girl's car. FML

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By anon - 18/3/2011 12:36

Today, I finally got the courage to say to my boyfriend that I feel invisible and ignored. To this he said 'You aren't invisible, I mean, look at that nose.' FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2015 14:03 - United States - Charlotte

Today, after some great sex, my boyfriend mused: "You know, from this position, I could punch you in the cunt and you wouldn't be able to stop me." I could only relax when he finally fell asleep nearly an hour later. FML

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By whatjusthappened - 6/9/2013 00:46 - United States - Loveland

Today, I was asked by my neighbor to stop jogging in our neighborhood because he keeps catching his son whacking off while watching me. His son is 28 years old and still lives at home. I'm 18. FML

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By WhyMe - 9/4/2017 22:00

Today, at work, a customer was staring at me for a long time. Hoping to break the awkwardness, I asked him what brought him to the store today. He complimented me on my friendly demeanor and then followed up with: "Since you're so friendly, how about coming in the bathroom with me and giving me a hand?" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2016 16:35 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML

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By "baow" - 17/3/2019 16:00 - Sweden

Today, I met this girl and we ended up having sex at her place. She decided to give me some head underneath the cover, it really was great until her Garfield sized cat decided to jump on her head and make her choke on it. Guess who got kicked out in the middle of the night for being too reckless. FML

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By Madi - 30/11/2011 17:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend discovered that I fart when I'm tickled enough. The best part was when he decided to show his family. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2014 07:18 - United States - Littleton

Today, I found out that the little arrow next to my gas gauge actually points to the side of the car where the tank is. For the past year-and-a-half I've been sticking my head out the window and even calling my parents to ask which side it was on, because I can never remember. FML

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By RustyRuski - 29/12/2014 22:58 - United States - Greenwood

Today, my boyfriend told me that we need to talk. I think he dumped me, but I'm not sure, because he muttered it in Russian and quickly left. FML

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By RP Havens - 10/1/2013 06:25 - United States - Galloway

Today, my grandmother called me to tell me that there will be a nice, single guy for me to meet at the family reunion. She went on and on about how perfect he was for me. I didn't have the heart to tell her I'm a lesbian, and have been out to the rest of the family for over six years. FML

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By why - 4/10/2018 07:30 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend convinced my current boyfriend to break up with me because "bros before hoes". They met for the first time last week. FML

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By Anonyme - 24/4/2014 06:57 - France - Aix-en-provence

Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2012 19:31 - United States

Today, I was masturbating, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure. It was my neighbor staring at me through the window with a total look of disgust. I moved in this weekend and hadn't yet introduced myself to her. FML

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By Weirdo - 6/12/2011 22:20 - United States

Today, my family took me to a steak house. I went for an eight minute bathroom break, coming back to an empty table. They ordered dessert, and left me the bill. I'm a vegetarian, and it's my birthday. FML

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By trixanne - 6/1/2015 20:57 - Australia - Sydney

Today, anticipating another stressful day of work, I went to leave my house with a cluster of thoughts in my mind. It was only when I heard my front door lock behind me, my hand still resting on the handle, that I realised I had forgotten my house keys. FML

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By 1nfected - 26/8/2009 17:07 - Canada

Today, when I arrived at work, I was greeted by my gorgeous co-worker telling me my red shirt looked awesome on me. Before I could compliment her, she added the color was fitting perfectly with my acne... I heard a couple of giggles around me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 12:28 - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by the cops for a random breathalyzer test. They asked to see my license. I always keep my wallet in my car for situations like this. I received a $100 ticket because my mum apparently didn’t think it was a good idea to keep my wallet in the car. FML

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By hrs220 - 21/5/2016 21:55 - United States - Lake Zurich

Today, I gave a presentation for my final on class. While I was giving the speech my shirt strap broke. I ended up flashing everyone including the teacher. At least I got an A. FML

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By Anthony - 16/8/2010 01:40 - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend due to the fact that she's been cheating on me with my best friend for the past year. She said I was overreacting, and to grow a pair. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2013 18:30 - United States - Smyrna

Today, I took my 4-year-old son to the bank with me. He asked why we were going, and I explained that I had a couple of checks that they would turn into money. When we got in line, he loudly exclaimed that "Mommy has checks for money!" Except "checks" sounded almost exactly like "sex". FML

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By BaggedDown - 8/5/2014 01:25 - United States - Rochester

Today, I retrieved the wrong luggage from an airport carousel. I'm now the owner of two water-bras, a false beard, a bag of cat litter, and some anal beads. I am afraid to get in touch with the original owner. FML

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By ray - 16/2/2012 18:36 - Canada

Today, I dropped my bag to run after my two year old who had bolted in the parking lot. Once he was in his seat, I got in and drove away. I felt two large thumps as I drove over my own iPad, cellphone and wallet. FML

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By notenoughunderwearintheworld - 21/7/2013 20:54 - South Africa - Durban

Today, the great deal on my new apartment has turned into a nightmare. I keep hearing extremely weird sounds almost every night, and when I tried taking pics of the place today, my camera's face recognition feature kept activating, but only in my bedroom. I'm scared shitless. FML

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By EliseV - 3/11/2014 18:56 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I lost my virginity. In the middle of it, he just gave up and said he wasn't in the mood anymore. Then I had to listen about his past failed relationships for over an hour. FML

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Top comments

By Sinshine | 27

#7804775 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 16:23

Better now than later. She doesn't seem the kind you'd want around.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7804776 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 16:23

Oy gevalt, you schmuck! If you’re so frum, what are you doing with a shikse who doesn’t know what a yarmulke is? Nu?!?! May she grow like an onion, with her head in the ground!

Find yourself a nice, Jewish girl and hak mir nisht keyn tchainik!

COMMENTS

By Sinshine | 27

#7804775 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 16:23

Better now than later. She doesn't seem the kind you'd want around.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7804776 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 16:23

Oy gevalt, you schmuck! If you’re so frum, what are you doing with a shikse who doesn’t know what a yarmulke is? Nu?!?! May she grow like an onion, with her head in the ground!

Find yourself a nice, Jewish girl and hak mir nisht keyn tchainik!

Reply

ViviMage | 38

#7804884 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 23:19

Hahah! I'm like 4th or 5th generation from the Cossack Pogoms before WWII, and I can read this! It's great!

Usually you're a schmuck here. But right now you're just a schmendrick!

By Vern Ehlers | 5

#7804777 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 16:25

Maybe she really likes bacon, and shellfish, and mixing meat and dairy.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7804801 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 17:57

Jesus Christ... Oh, sorry. He's not your guy, is he?

Reply

ViviMage | 38

#7804990 - Wednesday 22 May 2019 9:06

Jesus was Jewish too! He'd understand the little hat!

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7805541 - Friday 24 May 2019 2:57

He may have been Jewish, but I've yet to meet a Jewish person who considered him their Messiah, which is the angle I was going for.

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7805542 - Friday 24 May 2019 2:57

Oh, and Jesus wasn't real, anyway. So that, too.

By Lucky O'Guin | 13

#7804880 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 22:50

If you're stupid enough to date someone who doesn't even know what a yarmulke is, ydi.

Reply

Yudith | 20

#7805020 - Wednesday 22 May 2019 11:48

Dude, where I come from, we call them "kippa". I didn't know what a yarmulke was until someone suggested to fry them, and there's a big Jewish community in my hometown.

By IAmClay | 24

#7805375 - Thursday 23 May 2019 14:40

This exact one was posted a couple years ago

Reply

JillianJuneBug | 39

#7806723 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 7:50

I noticed that, and someone else did too but it appears that their comment is no longer available... hmm...