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Romance isn't dead

By broken - 13/09/2009 04:26 - United States

Today, I was fooling around with my boyfriend in his room. He grabbed me behind the head to pull me in for a hard, romantic kiss. He accidentally smashed my nose into his cheekbone, and my nose started gushing blood and continued to bleed for over 2 hours. It's broken, and he just laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 033

You deserved it 4 483

Not now, Dave

By shanti - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff

Today, my husband cracked a "Rectum? Damn near killed him" joke at my grandfather's funeral. He had genuinely spoken without thinking, but his quick gasp and "Oh shit" sounded quite sarcastic. We were both kicked out. My family thinks I put him up to the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 517

You deserved it 4 856

By lottielondon - 04/05/2011 13:47 - United Kingdom

Today, my garage was flooded. Everything was ruined. My garage also happens to be my study, in which my entire art coursework was drying. My exam is tomorrow and all I have to hand in is a pile of mushy paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 080

You deserved it 3 768

Zapped

By Anonymous - 04/09/2022 17:00

Today, I got electrocuted at work. The boss thinks I'm faking, even though a chunk of my left hand is gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 355

You deserved it 100

Make yourself at home

By Anonymous - 14/02/2014 17:11 - United States - Middletown

Today, my live-in mother-in-law brazenly swiped most of the money from my wallet, then walked out of the room as if nothing had happened. The worst thing is that my wife believes anything she says, so I can't do a damn thing about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 661

You deserved it 4 588

By fineillpissthebedthen - 07/02/2013 22:56 - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, my downstairs neighbours screamed at me for making so much noise that I woke their children up and made them cry. The noise was the sound of a loose floorboard shifting as I crept to my bathroom, and again on my way back to bed. They've sworn to get me evicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 182

You deserved it 2 526

By Vandrefalk - 01/03/2012 00:09 - Norway

Today, I got myself an organ donor card, just to feel wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 974

You deserved it 5 372

Precious memories

By jeph23 - 11/09/2009 20:11 - United States

Today, after picking up my 6 year-old from school, he said, "Drew said his dad could beat you up." I told him that he needs to respect his own father more and stand up for me. We got home, I looked up his class roster and low and behold, Drew's dad beat me up in junior high. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 340

You deserved it 19 183

By EPICfml. - 02/03/2009 19:01 - United States

Today, my dad woke me up at 6 told me to take a shower and drove me to school only to say "just kidding, happy snowday!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 651

You deserved it 13 540

By Username - 28/05/2010 06:20 - France

Today, it was the hottest day of the year so I opened my sun roof. The hottest day of the year was followed by the biggest storm of the year. I forgot to close my sun roof and my car is now flooded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 184

You deserved it 32 654

New urinal

By fml9124 - 21/12/2019 05:00

Today, my wife caught our six-year-old son peeing in the bathroom sink. He pulled his little stool up in front, that he uses to brush his teeth, and was peeing in the sink. When we asked why, he said that he wanted to pee like a man, "like we do at football games." My son is using our bathroom sink as an urinal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 840

You deserved it 332

By grandma - 08/02/2014 15:12 - United States - Barnesville

Today, I check my phone regularly for calls or texts from her. I take her out to eat frequently, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Today I realized the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 800

You deserved it 7 239

By michellemoyah - 25/02/2012 05:04 - United States

Today, I went to a dance with the boy I like. To my delight, he tried to pick me up. To my dismay, he couldn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 382

You deserved it 6 917

By Anonymous - 27/04/2011 19:16 - United States

Today, I awoke to make-up all over my face and nail polish on my hands and feet because my daughter wanted "daddy to look pretty." I have a job interview in an hour and none of it is coming off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 554

You deserved it 5 380

By well i'm fucked - 03/02/2014 22:47 - United States - Aberdeen

Today, my girlfriend of three weeks basically threatened to kill herself if I don't start thinking about having a child with her soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 214

You deserved it 6 857

I just work here

By stupidapperently - 01/02/2013 04:06 - United States

Today, while checking out a couple at work, I handed them their receipt and wished them a good day. The woman promptly pulled her husband to the side, and whispered to him about how much of a "fucking idiot" I was for making the prices so high. I work at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 752

You deserved it 2 418

By Anonymous - 21/05/2010 00:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a pair of ankle weights for my birthday. How utterly romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 631

You deserved it 5 254

Very mean spirited

By Anonymous - 18/09/2022 23:00

Today, my dad's will included a DNA test he did on me when I was 3, proving I’m not his son. I thought we had a great relationship, but apparently he secretly hated me all these years for mom cheating, and decided to embarrass me in front of our family, half of whom it turns out I’m not related to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 613

You deserved it 113

By kat - 21/02/2012 09:53 - Reserved

Today, a client stared at me in disbelief after I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 750

You deserved it 3 063

Vibe check

By Anonymous - 06/07/2021 14:01

Today, I started my first day of nursing clinicals. My first patient was none other than my ex-girlfriend, who I recently broke up with. She has an STI. She told me I needed to get checked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 500

You deserved it 162

Half beard

By ihatemylife - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Naperville

Today, at 24, I still can't grow a single bit of facial hair. Well, at least not on the right side of my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 703

You deserved it 2 478

By kindgartin - 23/04/2011 09:26 - Canada

Today, I was listening to my son's teacher gossip about students whilst in the grocery store. I was thrilled when she described my son as "A model student". However, she then went on to say, "Which is surprising considering that his parents are trailer trash." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 649

You deserved it 8 358

Well played

By FUCK THE PIGS - 26/01/2013 20:44 - United States - Oakland

Today, during lunch, my coworker offered me her food, claiming she was full. I was still quite hungry, so I accepted it. Halfway through eating the sandwiches, my boss walked in and started interrogating people over who took his lunch. I quickly realized I was the one eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 611

You deserved it 4 193

It's all downhill from here

By Anonymous - 06/10/2022 11:00 - United Kingdom - Farnborough

Today, my parents searched my room because yesterday they found one of my friends vapes in my bag, which they made me return. Sadly, they found a box vape with 2 e-juices and gave me a talking to. So now, I'm never allowed out of the house until I'm 18 (I'm 14 right now) and I'm never allowed friends over. Also, they're really mean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 341

You deserved it 2 529

By Anonymous - 25/01/2013 18:00 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my daughter tried to cover up her relapse into pyromania by explaining to me that the reason our carpet caught on fire was because a hot coal somehow worked its way free from the fireplace. Our fireplace is electric. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 604

You deserved it 2 588

By pandabear93 - 04/09/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about when I have kids. I told her I may want two or three. She immediately cut me off and told me to stick to one, and that any more than that will be a burden. I am the second born child of my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 604

You deserved it 3 763

By FacebookStrikesAgain - 21/01/2014 23:59 - Puerto Rico - Bayamon

Today, my girlfriend told me the reason why my credit card mysteriously maxed out 2 months ago 'might have been' because she posted a picture of it on Facebook. I ordered a new credit card without the custom picture of us immediately. She broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 561

You deserved it 6 142

By steven - 24/01/2013 05:16 - United States - Orinda

Today, I took an IQ test and ended up scoring above average. Feeling good about myself, I decided to bake some cookies. After 30 minutes of them not doing anything in the oven, I realized I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 195

You deserved it 34 409

Creep alert

By Pop_Pies - 03/09/2009 13:27 - Australia

Today, I had been working at the checkout for over five hours. Slightly tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink. He smiled and winked back. When I finished work two hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 123

You deserved it 4 168

Super-spreading

By Anonymous - 18/07/2021 17:59

Today, I found out I have bed bugs, thanks to my dad having them and not telling me, so my girlfriend got pissed at me, thinking I purposely give them to her, and is sending me a bill to have her house treated for them. Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 108

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The Top

Today, I emailed 10 parents inviting them to my son's birthday party. All 10 emailed back saying their kids had to get a cavity filled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 405

You deserved it 3 902

Today, I got back to work. Last week, my divorce was finalized and my last name is, once again, my maiden name. Since I'm a teacher, all my students will remember me by my ex-husband's last name. I get to be reminded every day that my marriage failed until everyone memorizes my maiden name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 118

You deserved it 4 100

Today, I came home to find my younger daughter left her silly band collection on the carpet in front of the fireplace. I now have melted unicorns and princesses stuck in my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 028

You deserved it 4 202

Today, I called my girlfriend's parent to ask for her hand in marriage. They were shocked and told me that they would have to refuse. Apparently my girlfriend had told them last week that she had met someone new at work and didn't know how to break it off with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 631

You deserved it 3 014

Today, I became the center of attraction of my office floor after sending my resumé to my work Whatsapp group, asking them to share with their friends for job openings. My VP is owner of the group. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 708

You deserved it 6 102

Today, I got all the way until after lunch before I realized my new pants were basically leggings, and that you could see my pink thong through them. I was in a training with a bunch of the guys that work the production floor, and I’m pretty sure they noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 215

You deserved it 515