Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely... - FML

By arse of fire :( - 23/2/2013 00:31 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML

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Season finale

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Toxic parents

By Lasko - 12/8/2009 19:37 - United States

Today, I found out that just because you collapse from dehydration on the sidewalk, it doesn't mean people are going to stop driving to see if you're okay, even if they saw you fall. FML

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By Jonnyboo - 29/8/2009 12:13 - United States

Today, I found out I was getting a new bed for my room. Then find out it was my great-grandmother's. The one she died in. FML

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By ldrik1 - 11/6/2014 20:36 - United States - Syracuse

Today, my psycho neighbor finished building a cannon. An honest-to-god, on-wheels, could-be-on-a-pirate-ship cannon. And now he's testing it in the forest by my house. I'm pretty scared for my life, to be honest. FML

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By missmirror - 2/5/2011 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents woke me up by pouring a glass of freezing cold water over my head. Their reason? They were 'bored'. FML

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By suspiciouspeople - 5/8/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, I discovered that sitting in the back of your car from 8-9 p.m. talking with a friend in a park area is suspicious enough behavior to have cops called on you, then for backup to arrive. FML

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By tara22 - 27/4/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to throw me against the wall and kiss me like they do in the movies. Being all aggressive and smooth, he grabs my shirt and pushes me. He pushed a little too hard and my head was thrown back into the wall. I was knocked out for ten minutes. FML

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By ditched - 17/8/2009 19:49 - Canada

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. We went inside the theatre and he saw a couple of his friends. Instead of saying hi and coming back to watch the movie with me, he ditched me for them. When I reminded him he was forgetting something, he grabbed the popcorn out of my hands and left. FML

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By JohnMackSquirts - 19/3/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I slept over at my friend's house but forgot my glasses. When I woke up in the morning, I came out of his room and forcefully kicked what I thought was a soccer ball on the floor. Turns out it was his miniature poodle - it fell down a long flight of stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 09:40 - United Kingdom

Today, at my wedding reception, I jokingly asked my aunt, who has always been convinced that I am gay despite my protests, if she believed me now. She took this the wrong way and drunkenly went around telling my guests that my wedding was a sham to convince her I was straight. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2011 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was disgusted because I dropped a Skittle on the floor and ate it. He thought peeing on me in the shower was just fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2010 08:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times he told me "Why it feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence when he then replied with "I'm not gay I swear." FML

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By cbrocks - 16/10/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, it was the first day of fall break from college, and I was really excited to sleep in and relax the entire weekend. Apparently my boss caught wind of my happiness and scheduled me 8am-2pm each day of break, "seeing how I don't have anything else to do." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2016 14:53

Today, during sex, I somehow sneezed hard enough to really hurt my neck and shoulder. But don't worry, writhing in pain doesn't ruin the mood. My boyfriend just kept going. FML

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By Dsark - 19/2/2014 05:12 - United States - San Diego

Today, during a lecture, my teacher jokingly talked about the time he was best buds with George Washington. Another student then asked, "Really? You knew him?" I'm in an advanced placement U.S. history class. FML

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By snitcheyes - 9/11/2010 16:00 - United States

Today, I was called 15 times by a "good redneck boy" that my Mom is trying to set me up with. He has called me at least 5 times a day for the past week. My Mom is still encouraging him to call. I had to unplug the phone because I feel stalked in my own dorm. FML

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By Tourist - 26/3/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

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By some explaining to do - 25/12/2016 08:34 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to my uncle's house to celebrate Christmas. His kids don't have their own phones so I let them play with mine. They sent all my contacts messages saying I love them, including two of my ex-girlfriends who both immediately wanted to make up and started to frantically call me. FML

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By Milk Dispenser - 12/3/2019 05:00 - United States - Herriman

Today, breastfeeding my infant has become so automatic that when my dog nuzzled up against me while I was sleeping, I lifted up my shirt and unhooked my nursing bra. FML

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By drunk under 18 teenager - 19/8/2014 13:37 - Morocco - Marrakech

Today, I was hammered, and on my way home I walked into a policeman. My logic was: if I'm on the phone, he can't talk to me, so I pulled my phone out and started speaking. The officer then asked me why I was speaking to my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2014 16:16 - United States - Port Lavaca

Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

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By NotEnoughBleach - 14/3/2016 03:58 - United States - Englewood

Roommates from hell

Today, while trying to sleep, my roommates were shouting in the next room. When I poked my head out to tell them to shut up, I was greeted by the sight of one of them with his knob duct-taped inside a gun holster, and the other one trying to rip it off. And they wonder why I'm not more social. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2011 18:40 - United States

Today, I went in to the doctor's thinking I had a bladder infection. I walked out knowing I'm pregnant. FML

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By GopherJR - 19/1/2009 01:07 - Canada

Today, I convinced myself I needed to get over my ex-girlfriend. I spent twenty minutes signing up for a new dating site, only to find out, that the only other profile on the site of a person within 200 km, is my ex-girlfriend. FML

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By psychortiz - 3/6/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I allowed my five-year old daughter to paint my fingernails during a living-room "picnic" we were having. A while later I got called back in to work for an emergency meeting. When I arrived at the meeting I noticed my fingernails were still neon-green. I am a 40-year old man. FML

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By dumpedchick - 25/6/2009 02:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years dumped me. I was really depressed so a couple of my friends came over to take me out to a club to cheer me up. My ex was there, partying with his friends. He came up to me and my friends and asked my friend if she wanted to hang out sometime. She said yes. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2017 18:00

Today, my housemate blew chunks all over the freshly-painted walls in the bathroom. The paint was still wet. FML

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By Nick - 5/4/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend of almost 5 years (who broke up with me only a week or so ago) told me that she's been speaking to one of my best friends and sees a future with him instead of me. FML

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By Today - 7/9/2010 02:26 - United States

Today, I had to play Paper, Rock or Scissors and beat my boyfriend in order to get him to take a shower. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2010 23:40 - United States

Today, I found out that my entire school differentiates me from another girl in my grade with the same name by saying "No, she's the lesbian one." I'm straight. FML

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By fml9124 - 31/8/2019 22:00

Today, it's our 32nd wedding anniversary. Two weeks ago I caught a cold on an airplane. Since I got back, she hasn't kissed or let me touch her. I'm still coughing. She says maybe it's not a cold, maybe it's TB. She's left to stay in a hotel until I get better or die. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2015 06:41 - United States - Suwanee

Today, I caught my girlfriend Googling how to uninstall Siri. I asked why she wanted to do that, and she said, "I don't like it. I don't like how the slut talks to you." I get the feeling I'll need a gun when I break up with this crazy fucker. FML

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By frankrizzo - 1/2/2009 17:29 - Canada

Today, I had a wet dream. When I woke up, I was touching myself. Unfortunately, I also woke up to find that I had fallen asleep on the couch after eating too much at a family reunion. When I looked around the room, over 10 relatives were giving me nasty looks. FML

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By sounds good mom - 14/6/2016 15:23 - United States - Katy

Today, my mom took away my car, phone, dog, laptop and college fund because I told her she lets me down sometimes. I'm moving to Arizona for college in two weeks. FML

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By HtotheFtotheS - 3/4/2015 19:05 - United Kingdom - Wisbech

Today, I used an air freshener in my room to make it smell good. At first, the smell was pretty pleasant. However, by the time it'd "soaked in" it smelled just like weed. My whole room stinks of it, and now my mum is convinced I've been smoking pot in my room. FML

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By nhyari - 25/8/2014 18:58 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my girlfriend got her period. It seemed more painful for her than usual, so I offered to go out and buy some painkillers and maybe some chocolate for her. She thought I was being sarcastic and slapped me so hard I saw stars. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2012 23:50 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I discovered that my wife actually encourages my three year-old son to sleep in our bed, as a buffer against any romantic advances. FML

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By Whywhywhy - 20/8/2017 13:01

Today, my daughter decided to draw me a heart for my birthday. Unfortunately, she drew it on the side of my car. With a rock. FML

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By youfuckingslut - 11/11/2012 19:11 - United States

Today, I accidentally bumped into another car on the road. The worst of the damage was a slight chip to the other driver's paint, but she played it up so much that she ended up being taken away in an ambulance. I'm now terrified that the crazy bitch is going to sue me. FML

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By why ma? - 25/3/2020 08:02

May to December

Today, I invited my elderly mother to come stay with my husband and I during this outbreak, just until everything calms down. She declined because we said she couldn’t bring her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is a 34 year-old leech who's been living off her for over a year. She refuses to change her mind. FML

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By Epithymia - 15/8/2016 15:09 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I went to the chiropractor for a check up. She was going through some of the ways to help my posture and mentioned something that I've never heard before. My fat ass thought it was a type of food. Turns out it was a sports routine. FML

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Top comments

By superxmario91 | 11

#5379206 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

use his favorite shirts!!

By LostThePlot | 3

#5379203 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

Your husband has a pretty terrible sense of humour.

COMMENTS

By mozeltov | 7

#5379202 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

Well, I guess you could say...that's a shitty situation....get it? Shitty? LOL
no? Alright, I'll go hide in my corner ;(

Reply

MetallicaFTW | 16

#5379415 - Saturday 23 February 2013 7:50

You better.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5379472 - Saturday 23 February 2013 8:55

You better hide well!

Reply

Aloyese | 11

#5379518 - Saturday 23 February 2013 10:03

And also hope no one finds you there.

Reply

muzy | 23

#5379642 - Saturday 23 February 2013 13:11

Don't forget to hide yo kids and yo wife as well.

Reply

sum42guy2k | 6

#5380264 - Saturday 23 February 2013 22:51

You better be running fast from that crappy joke...

Reply

jarrettd | 27

#5380292 - Saturday 23 February 2013 23:24

I'm after you. So hide real well.

Reply

Azula272 | 14

#5381064 - Sunday 24 February 2013 12:47

If its that bad you could just bathe it off. Geez

By LostThePlot | 3

#5379203 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

Your husband has a pretty terrible sense of humour.

Reply

OscarDV | 8

#5379564 - Saturday 23 February 2013 11:13

I thought that was a pretty funny pun OPs husband said. Plus, if he was already "shitfaced" he had no right to drive and endanger people's lives.

By MollyXD124 | 7

#5379205 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

What a butthole!

By superxmario91 | 11

#5379206 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

use his favorite shirts!!

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#5379597 - Saturday 23 February 2013 12:13

...and next time he has a stomach ache, make sure that the bathroom is missing toilet paper, leave the home, and turn off your phone. That'll teach him for life!

By Ziggy122 | 15

#5379209 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:26

Oh, wow. Your husband's a dickhead.

Reply

TheAbstract | 14

#5379362 - Saturday 23 February 2013 6:46

Actually, he was a shithead. Haha! oh..

By Supergirl1988 | 16

#5379211 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:26

Get his favourite t shirt from the wardrobe, use, replace back in draw. Two problems solved.

Reply

dancinwookie | 21

#5379497 - Saturday 23 February 2013 9:32

Except now there's a shit covered shirt to deal with in your clean dresser drawers.

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5380420 - Sunday 24 February 2013 2:16

And now the smell of shit will embed itself in the wood of the drawer. Not to mention bacteria, insects...

By DishnobFruitCum | 5

#5379219 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:27

You know, if you have diarrhea, toilet paper should be out of the question. Find some baby wipes or something and learn how to properly wipe. ;)

Reply

kder0aeon | 9

#5591224 - Sunday 21 July 2013 22:45

or take a shower. def more solutions than jus toliet paper.

By Livestrong14 | 7

#5379220 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:27

He'll regret it when he comes home.

By skip_m | 6

#5379222 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:28

Use his pillowcase?

Reply

curlstar | 6

#5379490 - Saturday 23 February 2013 9:26

Then he'll really be shitfaced.

By zilla52 | 12

#5379233 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:31

that is the shits