Health: Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely... - FML

By arse of fire :( - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML

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By peepeepants - Canada

Today, I went to get a pedicure for the first time. My feet are VERY ticklish. I reflexively kicked the poor lady in the face, as I wet my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2020 20:01 - Malaysia

Little shit

Today, I went to the graveyard with my little brother to visit my grandfather's grave. While we were there, my brother suddenly asked me, "Can you die now? I hate you." He's 7 year-old. FML

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By M.L. - United States

Today, I went on a busy train. I packed myself in close to a very good looking woman and, too scared to say anything, looked out the window. After feeling a hand on my ass, I assumed it was her. To not ruin the moment, I didn't look back. After a few stops, I looked back. It was an old man. FML

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By toelie

Oh the times, they are a-changin'

Today, as two of my students walked into my classroom, I said, "Hi, ladies". One of them screamed at me: "Did you just assume my gender?!" FML

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By fmjob - United States

Today, I got a raise. A 10 cent raise. I have worked at my job for over 3 years. I now make 20 cents more an hour than people that have only worked there 3 minutes. FML

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By lifesabitch2016 - United States - Moses Lake

Today, I explained to my dad that I had spent over three hours baking, frosting, and decorating a cake from scratch and how proud I was of it. Without even looking up at me, he replied, "You really need a boyfriend." FML

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By Lotje13 - Hungary

Today, I was sleeping over at a friend's house. I went and took a shower, and as I tried to get out, the door jammed. I called my friend for help, and after much tugging, the glass shattered all over me. She panicked and sent her dad to rescue me. It was the first time he and I had met. FML

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By gabormelchior - United States

Today, I got dressed in what I thought was a really adorable outfit. I had a cute pink skirt on, a white tank top and silver strappy sandal heels. On my way to the mall a car pulls over and this guy asks me how much for three hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Missoula

Today, I was on a plane flying home and fell asleep. I woke up to my own snoring and everyone on the plane looking at me. FML

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By grossedoutgirlfriend

Not so normal, no

Today, I came home from work to see a pair of panties I hadn't worn lying on the floor. I picked them up and they were all crunchy. It turns out that while I'm away, my boyfriend uses my underwear as a vessel for his semen. He claims this is normal. FML

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By logansowow

Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML

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By CoA - United States - Dekalb

Today, at my new job, I realized I have been spending too much time with just my cat. As I passed some coworkers in the hall, I nodded and gave them the "slow blink of trust" that is used with cats. FML

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By cogu - France

Today, I realized my girlfriend has more hair on her abdomen than I have on mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Omaha

Today, I had to take my boyfriend to the emergency room to get stitches from cutting his arm during sex. I sat there while he explained to the doctor how it was the best orgasm ever. FML

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By hero to zero - United States

Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML

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By emi - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, the guy I've been seeing asked me to have a threesome. With his girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of the kids in my neighborhood told me he would mow my lawn for 10 bucks. After a few minutes, I heard the mower stop. He had mowed a penis into my front yard then run away. FML

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By apologetic - United States - Latonia

Today, I got yelled at by a customer while working at a bank call center. He was furious I apologized for a mistake that someone else had made. I again apologized for apologizing. FML

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By itsgotime - United States

Today, I was running to my car, slipped, and slammed my head on the car door. I started driving to the hospital because it was bleeding profusely and I was dizzy, I called my mom to tell her what had happened. She said I was grounded for "goofing off" and that she was "sick of my shit". FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that with all the money I've spent on repairs for my iPhone through the months, I could have bought a phone that doesn't die horribly whenever I so much as give it a mean look. FML

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By f u doc - 30/9/2020 17:01 - United States

Time's up

Today, I had two different doctor's appointments with different specialists at the same hospital. Doctor #1 kept me waiting so long doctor #2 refused to see me. I tried to explain I was in the building and why I was late, but he wouldn’t hear it. I’d already waited 4 months for these appointments. FML

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By green2black - United States

Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

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By UnderAcheiver - United States - Cypress

Today, my new supervisor arrived after my old one had transferred away and we had a quick evaluation meeting. As it turns out, I'm not actually a good employee like I thought. I just had a shitty boss who didn't care enough to let me know I wasn't meeting company standards. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, I arranged the food on my plate in a smiley face to try and make myself feel better. I'm a 38 year old man. It worked. FML

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By MyBallsForSaleOnEbay - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I screamed like a little girl and scrambled to climb atop the toilet seat when I saw a cockroach running around our bathroom. My 5-year-old nephew came in, slapped it to death and said not to be scared, because he'll always protect me. FML

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By bringthemback - United States - Columbia

Today, my boss decided to have the whole staff drug tested and fire everyone who failed. Out of an original staff of 14 people, only my boss, two coworkers and I remain. I now have four times my normal workload and am seriously thinking maybe I should've said "Yes" to drugs. FML

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By MasterMcrib - United States - Highland Park

Today, while walking down the street I thought it would be funny to moon a crowd of old people taking a photo, in a few seconds a couple of them started pointing in my direction... Turns out they were pointing at the car that ran me over shortly after. FML

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By PO'd big bro - United States - Toccoa

Today, I had to call a few different women and explain to them that my little brother had catfished them. I had to do it because he is mute and my parents were too busy screaming at him. FML

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By Anonymous

Light day

Today, on my 16th birthday, my lightly worn jeans split while I was at school. I attempted to fix them with staples, but I have a metal allergy. So I took my driving exam with a rash on my butt and staples digging in, in a car that had no AC. FML

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By D - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I had to calm my hallucinating mom after she accidentally overdosed on one of her pills, then spend ages trying to protect her from the "monkey" on the wall. FML

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By HatedGrandson - United States

Today, I visited my grandparents' house. While getting a drink from the fridge, I noticed the Christmas card my family sent them had my face scratched out. When I confronted them about it, they said it was the cat. They don't have a cat. FML

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By MSguy

Today, I found out that the medication that's been free to me and has given me no noticeable side effects will be $1500 a month for my new insurance. This is a medication used to prevent my MS relapses. FML

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By Doglover - United Kingdom

Today, I had to climb up and sit in a tree for half an hour to avoid being mauled by a huge, insane dog. Its weird-looking owner eventually turned up, sneered at me, and walked off with the visibly smug dog in tow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my daughter eating a handful of styrofoam packing pellets, because she thought they were Christmas candy. She's fourteen. What's next, eating rocks? FML

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By Whyme? - United States - Hackensack

Today, as I was cleaning up after my two year-old, I found a pair of lacy underwear in his toy box. Not only are they not mine, but now I have to ask my husband if he's cheating on me. Or ask my babysitter if she's being having fun, instead of actually babysitting. FML

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By effedfosh - Canada

Today, I overheard a couple talking behind me. She said, "You wanna know what's really scary?" He said, "the size of that guy? Yeah he's huge", to which she replied, "no, the scary thing is that's a chick." They weren't talking about me, but they sure were talking about my girlfriend. FML

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By Catfish

Today, I met the "cute guy" I've been chatting with online for a few months. He never smiled in pics, but I didn't think anything of it until I got to his place and he started talking. He didn't have a single tooth in his mouth. FML

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By thunderthighs644

Today, while jogging, I heard an odd clapping sound over the sound of my iPod. I stopped running, and the sound stopped. This continued for an hour before I realized the slapping sound was my thighs slapping together violently. FML

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By nana - United States

Today, after the church service was over, my two year old granddaughter started to sing into the microphone. She said, "Here Nana, you sing". I picked up the microphone and sang " Jesus Loves Me". She took the microphone back and said, "No he doesn't." FML

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By Jay703 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, while taking out a jar of mayonnaise, it slipped from my hand, landing on its lid, exploding, and covering both of my dogs from head to tail in it. Terrified, they fled, leaving a trail of globs of mayo. After cleaning both dogs and the house, they both threw up from eating too much mayonnaise. FML

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Top comments

By superxmario91 | 11

#5379206 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

use his favorite shirts!!

By LostThePlot | 3

#5379203 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

Your husband has a pretty terrible sense of humour.

COMMENTS

By mozeltov | 7

#5379202 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

Well, I guess you could say...that's a shitty situation....get it? Shitty? LOL
no? Alright, I'll go hide in my corner ;(

Reply

MetallicaFTW | 16

#5379415 - Saturday 23 February 2013 7:50

You better.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5379472 - Saturday 23 February 2013 8:55

You better hide well!

Reply

Aloyese | 11

#5379518 - Saturday 23 February 2013 10:03

And also hope no one finds you there.

Reply

muzy | 23

#5379642 - Saturday 23 February 2013 13:11

Don't forget to hide yo kids and yo wife as well.

Reply

sum42guy2k | 6

#5380264 - Saturday 23 February 2013 22:51

You better be running fast from that crappy joke...

Reply

jarrettd | 27

#5380292 - Saturday 23 February 2013 23:24

I'm after you. So hide real well.

Reply

Azula272 | 14

#5381064 - Sunday 24 February 2013 12:47

If its that bad you could just bathe it off. Geez

By LostThePlot | 3

#5379203 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

Your husband has a pretty terrible sense of humour.

Reply

OscarDV | 8

#5379564 - Saturday 23 February 2013 11:13

I thought that was a pretty funny pun OPs husband said. Plus, if he was already "shitfaced" he had no right to drive and endanger people's lives.

By MollyXD124 | 7

#5379205 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

What a butthole!

By superxmario91 | 11

#5379206 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

use his favorite shirts!!

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#5379597 - Saturday 23 February 2013 12:13

...and next time he has a stomach ache, make sure that the bathroom is missing toilet paper, leave the home, and turn off your phone. That'll teach him for life!

By Ziggy122 | 15

#5379209 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:26

Oh, wow. Your husband's a dickhead.

Reply

TheAbstract | 15

#5379362 - Saturday 23 February 2013 6:46

Actually, he was a shithead. Haha! oh..

By Supergirl1988 | 16

#5379211 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:26

Get his favourite t shirt from the wardrobe, use, replace back in draw. Two problems solved.

Reply

dancinwookie | 21

#5379497 - Saturday 23 February 2013 9:32

Except now there's a shit covered shirt to deal with in your clean dresser drawers.

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5380420 - Sunday 24 February 2013 2:16

And now the smell of shit will embed itself in the wood of the drawer. Not to mention bacteria, insects...

By DishnobFruitCum | 5

#5379219 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:27

You know, if you have diarrhea, toilet paper should be out of the question. Find some baby wipes or something and learn how to properly wipe. ;)

Reply

kder0aeon | 9

#5591224 - Sunday 21 July 2013 22:45

or take a shower. def more solutions than jus toliet paper.

By Livestrong14 | 7

#5379220 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:27

He'll regret it when he comes home.

By skip_m | 6

#5379222 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:28

Use his pillowcase?

Reply

curlstar | 6

#5379490 - Saturday 23 February 2013 9:26

Then he'll really be shitfaced.

By zilla52 | 12

#5379233 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:31

that is the shits