Health: Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely... - FML

By arse of fire :( - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34012

You deserved it

3852

Tweet

Share

Season finale

Emergency haircut

Munchausen by proxy

By Tim - United States

Today, I found that there is nothing worse than coming home to a snake slithering across your kitchen floor. Except when it disappears into your cabinets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31626

You deserved it

3350

Tweet

Share

By OfficeSlave - United States

Today, I found out that my company is paying more for hors d'oeuvres at one party than I will receive for my entire year long internship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26875

You deserved it

3411

Tweet

Share

By Shelbitchh - United States

Today, my mom decided to take away my TV after noticing that I watch the show True Blood. Apparently, since I watch this, I must be "curious about sex." I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43585

You deserved it

5343

Tweet

Share

By wrongplacewrongtime - United States - San Antonio

Today, l took my new boyfriend to the place where my ex and I used to hook up, only to find out that my ex and his new girl had the same idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19848

You deserved it

58018

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States - Gerald

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship." We're supposed to get married in a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60434

You deserved it

3706

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Dekalb

Today, I found out I was passed over for the promotion I've wanted for 9 months at the fast food restaurant I work in. Who got the job? The 16 year old girl I trained 2 weeks ago. Their excuse was, "She has ambition." I'm going to college for food service management. She failed her drug test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55438

You deserved it

4215

Tweet

Share

By apparentlyunattractive - United States

Today, someone left a note on my car, saying "You're gorgeous. Call me. #######." I called the number and they said they saw me in the store I was in, telling me "You were the ONLY attractive person in there." We decided to meet up. He walks over, I say hi, he says "I think I put my number on the wrong car." FML

I agree, your life sucks

60876

You deserved it

7419

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my last remaining pet, a hamster, died. Even he thinks it's better to drown in his water dish than brave the world living with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30029

You deserved it

7170

Tweet

Share

By meranda_johnson - United States

Today, I have a cold. I can't begin to count how many times I've sneezed throughout the day, but I can count how many times I've sneezed so hard that I've peed myself: twice. Once while I was at work helping a customer, the other while sitting on the couch next to my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26736

You deserved it

2521

Tweet

Share

By MERRY FUCKMYARSEMASS - United Kingdom

Today, my car broke down on the highway, and I had to call for a tow truck. It finally showed up, only to break down too less than a mile later. Cue nearly freezing to death while we waited for help to arrive for the both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37963

You deserved it

2763

Tweet

Share

By Unlucky - Saudi Arabia

Today, my daughter finally walked down the aisle with a man she loves very much. While I was escorting her, I managed to trip and fall down revealing what I've been trying to hide all of this time: my shiny gleaming bald head that showed when my wig fell off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51876

You deserved it

12903

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time in years, I broke down in tears, over a Hallmark commercial. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26147

You deserved it

6838

Tweet

Share

By holywowz

Today, I went to a comedy show, expecting to feel better about a difficult relationship. Instead, I saw a performance written by the girl who loves my husband, about my husband, and how she loves him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5054

You deserved it

341

Tweet

Share

By JohnB - United States

Today, I discovered that nothing kills a wet dream faster than a kitten who pounces on things that wiggle under the blanket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26728

You deserved it

4190

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Wilmington

Today, we got a new Roomba. I set it to clean and came back an hour later to find shit smears all over the floor. Apparently, one of my cats had done his business in the kitchen, and the Roomba had dragged it around the entire first floor of my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36503

You deserved it

5776

Tweet

Share

By YAABOIII - United States

Today, the 7 year old boy I was babysitting studied my upper lip and said "It's okay, my daddy won't let me shave yet either." I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61087

You deserved it

8780

Tweet

Share

By Bahhumbug - Australia - Perth

Today, I found out I was the top ranking sales person for 2014. What did last year's winner receive? An all-expenses paid weekend holiday. What did I receive? A ham. I'm vegetarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38588

You deserved it

4245

Tweet

Share

By coppervains - United States - Livonia

Today, I bought a new bra and panties and modeled them for my boyfriend. I thought he liked them, until mid-way through feeling me up, he decided he'd rather give me a massive wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53570

You deserved it

8147

Tweet

Share

By Nic - United States - Orlando

Today, for the first time in months, a potential employer was willing to give me a job. On my way out of the interview, I tripped over and broke a 1000 dollar glass table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11968

You deserved it

1130

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home and saw my girlfriend on the computer. I decided to sex things up and sneak up on her naked from behind. Apparently, she was video-chatting with her friends at the time. They saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8898

You deserved it

25018

Tweet

Share

By Brianna Michelle Ferrell

Mixed signals

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a fancy dinner. Halfway through, he said he wanted to break up. I started crying, but the whole restaurant thought he'd proposed, and started clapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2046

You deserved it

136

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12977

You deserved it

61010

Tweet

Share

By BigSister - United States

Today, my 15 year old sister came home at 4am totally stoned. My parents treated her really nicely and woke me up. I'm now grounded until I go college for being a bad influence. I volunteer at schools to talk about abusing drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55913

You deserved it

3380

Tweet

Share

By jennag5 - Canada - Claresholm

Today, two drop dead gorgeous Australians asked me for directions. Being so shocked by their beauty and accents, I couldn't get words out of my mouth. The one said to the other "Nope she doesn't speak English", then walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25232

You deserved it

10655

Tweet

Share

By CassieMarieee - United States

Today, I had to jump into my car while it was still moving. Apparently, just because you put it in park and turn it off, doesn't mean it won't take off towards a ditch without warning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24936

You deserved it

8785

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54664

You deserved it

16459

Tweet

Share

By 99Problemsandfml - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I had to buy a new vacuum cleaner. My previous one stopped working, because apparently, my boyfriend has been using it to suck up our puppy's shit from the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26420

You deserved it

2489

Tweet

Share

By annoyed - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I finally picked up my new bank card after my old one was stolen. It took the bank six weeks and five separate orders to figure it out, on top of which they've charged me a rush fee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24135

You deserved it

1892

Tweet

Share

By Username - United States

Today, I was so broke that I paid for a $0.28 candy bar with my credit card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29210

You deserved it

12749

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Sanford

Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46128

You deserved it

6981

Tweet

Share

By Blood on my hands - United States

Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53073

You deserved it

25665

Tweet

Share

By petlover - United States

Today, I had to put my 17 year old cat down. I cried the whole way up to the vet's office and back. After finally coming to terms with the situation, and trying to forget, my dad's friend walks up to me and says, "So, I heard you killed your cat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36890

You deserved it

3828

Tweet

Share

By inpain - United States

Today, I learned that my hairdo must resemble a rat. I found out when a hawk swooped down and dug its claws into my head while I was sunbathing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26863

You deserved it

6182

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Redding

Today, I found out that someone I once babysat got a girlfriend before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13195

You deserved it

1582

Tweet

Share

By Murphy's law

Today, I was working on my laptop when the screen suddenly turned red. I was shocked since it's not that old, but my insurance just expired. On my way to the service I was thinking, "At least my car works!" Well... A few hours later, my car broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2262

You deserved it

159

Tweet

Share

By Earthboundb - United States

Today, I just got back from a Civil War Reenactment in Virginia, my first big event in years. I spent over $200 on gas and food, and had to drive for over 10 hours both ways from Massachusetts. When I finally got there I realized, I had left my uniform at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28133

You deserved it

61417

Tweet

Share

By notgoodenough

Today, I was informed I wouldn't be getting a raise because I hadn't followed the updated protocol. I said I was unaware that there was an updated protocol. My supervisor said, "That's because we didn't tell you about it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14012

You deserved it

672

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad got a hard-on looking at my best friend. He asked me how my NutriSystem diet was going. He was looking at my friend's boobs when he asked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24921

You deserved it

2480

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 02:01

Mr Kwik Fit

Today, I discovered I'd been ghosted. Last night, I hung out with this guy. We started making out. Everything was going great, then we had sex and it literally lasted 30 seconds because he was done. He got up, got dressed and left and then deleted me off everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

789

You deserved it

213

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad spent 30 minutes incorrectly correcting me about our legal system. He thinks he knows more than me because he's been divorced twice. I'm a lawyer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35033

You deserved it

2421

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By superxmario91 | 11

#5379206 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

use his favorite shirts!!

By LostThePlot | 3

#5379203 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

Your husband has a pretty terrible sense of humour.

COMMENTS

By mozeltov | 7

#5379202 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

Well, I guess you could say...that's a shitty situation....get it? Shitty? LOL
no? Alright, I'll go hide in my corner ;(

Reply

MetallicaFTW | 16

#5379415 - Saturday 23 February 2013 7:50

You better.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5379472 - Saturday 23 February 2013 8:55

You better hide well!

Reply

Aloyese | 11

#5379518 - Saturday 23 February 2013 10:03

And also hope no one finds you there.

Reply

muzy | 23

#5379642 - Saturday 23 February 2013 13:11

Don't forget to hide yo kids and yo wife as well.

Reply

sum42guy2k | 6

#5380264 - Saturday 23 February 2013 22:51

You better be running fast from that crappy joke...

Reply

jarrettd | 27

#5380292 - Saturday 23 February 2013 23:24

I'm after you. So hide real well.

Reply

Azula272 | 14

#5381064 - Sunday 24 February 2013 12:47

If its that bad you could just bathe it off. Geez

By LostThePlot | 3

#5379203 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

Your husband has a pretty terrible sense of humour.

Reply

OscarDV | 8

#5379564 - Saturday 23 February 2013 11:13

I thought that was a pretty funny pun OPs husband said. Plus, if he was already "shitfaced" he had no right to drive and endanger people's lives.

By MollyXD124 | 7

#5379205 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

What a butthole!

By superxmario91 | 11

#5379206 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:25

use his favorite shirts!!

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#5379597 - Saturday 23 February 2013 12:13

...and next time he has a stomach ache, make sure that the bathroom is missing toilet paper, leave the home, and turn off your phone. That'll teach him for life!

By Ziggy122 | 15

#5379209 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:26

Oh, wow. Your husband's a dickhead.

Reply

TheAbstract | 15

#5379362 - Saturday 23 February 2013 6:46

Actually, he was a shithead. Haha! oh..

By Supergirl1988 | 16

#5379211 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:26

Get his favourite t shirt from the wardrobe, use, replace back in draw. Two problems solved.

Reply

dancinwookie | 21

#5379497 - Saturday 23 February 2013 9:32

Except now there's a shit covered shirt to deal with in your clean dresser drawers.

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5380420 - Sunday 24 February 2013 2:16

And now the smell of shit will embed itself in the wood of the drawer. Not to mention bacteria, insects...

By DishnobFruitCum | 5

#5379219 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:27

You know, if you have diarrhea, toilet paper should be out of the question. Find some baby wipes or something and learn how to properly wipe. ;)

Reply

kder0aeon | 9

#5591224 - Sunday 21 July 2013 22:45

or take a shower. def more solutions than jus toliet paper.

By Livestrong14 | 7

#5379220 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:27

He'll regret it when he comes home.

By skip_m | 6

#5379222 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:28

Use his pillowcase?

Reply

curlstar | 6

#5379490 - Saturday 23 February 2013 9:26

Then he'll really be shitfaced.

By zilla52 | 12

#5379233 - Saturday 23 February 2013 5:31

that is the shits