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By hatty - 23/09/2011 13:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I had my car valeted at my hotel. The manager came out, took my keys, and said the car would be waiting for me in an hour. I was then forced to watch from the lobby as the "manager" sped off downtown. FML

agreeclassic 27 912

vote type 1 6 177

By grammarnazi-forareason - 03/07/2013 06:48 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I had the questionable honor of explaining the difference between "your" and "you're" to my boss, and very diplomatically make her see why her poor grasp of language could affect our credibility as a communication agency. I'm Swedish, and English is my third language. She's American. FML

agreeclassic 57 657

vote type 1 3 757

By Anonymous - 02/11/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, I had to move back in with my dad and brother. After getting settled, I had to shower. I got everything ready and when I got in, it smelled strongly of pee. The stink was so intense I could barely breathe. Cleaning doesn't even help. I'm stuck here for at least a month. I hate living with men. FML

agreeclassic 26 976

vote type 1 4 992

Dee628 app_comment_confession_title

Dee628 0

Tuesday 2 November 2010 19:41

I had to move back in until I can move into my building for school on the east coast. I've tried cleaning with bathroom cleaner and bleach, but the smell keeps coming back. Neither of them will admit to it and I never pee in the shower, EW. =P Obviously not all men are slobs, I just wish I didn't live with two of them. I lived with one of my guy friend's last year and had the same problem. I was the only one that actually cleaned. ~_~ (I'm the OP, I never thought I'd make it onto FML, so I was surprised to see this! lol)

By stickers - 13/05/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, I was going through my mom's closet. On one of the shelves, I found two baby books. One was mine, the other was one for a dog she owned before I was born. I looked through them both. The dog's baby book was filled out more than mine was. FML

agreeclassic 49 604

vote type 1 4 272

By Anonymous - 08/05/2009 11:37 - United States

Today, I texted a girl who I had hooked up with the night before to see if she wanted to hang out again. She responded, "I think we should keep it the way it was, before last night." I just met her last night. FML

agreeclassic 57 836

vote type 1 13 794

By Anonymous - 22/09/2015 21:54 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my daughter's 14-year-old boyfriend confessed, in front of her, that he only went out with her so he might have a chance to date me. My daughter isn't speaking to me. FML

agreeclassic 28 477

vote type 1 1 910

By PuppyPeeTimee. - 17/09/2010 06:30 - United Kingdom

Today, we were in the car with my puppy, who favours my sister. She had been sat on her lap for a while, when she stood up and climbed onto my lap. I was really pleased until she peed on me and then went straight back to my sister. FML

agreeclassic 35 677

vote type 1 3 519

By awkward O_o - 24/04/2013 21:15 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML

agreeclassic 65 831

vote type 1 4 930

By Username - 04/09/2010 13:24 - France

Today, my email got hacked and sent all my contacts something for Viagra. My husband thinks I really sent it to him on purpose and now won't even talk to me. FML

agreeclassic 31 178

vote type 1 3 293

By xXx - 16/10/2009 08:20 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a funny prank to put duct tape on my eyes while I was sleeping so that when I woke up, I would be blind. I have no more eyelashes. FML

agreeclassic 43 388

vote type 1 3 063

By juliasaman - 03/10/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, I went to the doctors and was told I would need an inhaler. My mom came back from the pharmacy and told me the copay of $35 dollars was way too expensive, so she is making me use my cat's old inhaler. My mom values my cat's ability to breathe more then my own. FML

agreeclassic 40 819

vote type 1 2 629

By Anonymous - 30/09/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding photos. The photographer moved onto the "candid" shots and thought it would be cute to have pics of us making out at the reception. I have blonde hair. The girl in the picture did not. FML

agreeclassic 55 413

vote type 1 3 068

By DanniRae - 13/03/2009 13:48 - United States

Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She opened a box and took out some anal beads I got as a gag gift. She asked, "What are these?" I answered, "They are for massaging your back". She then insisted I show her. I massaged my mother with anal beads. FML

agreeclassic 35 335

vote type 1 70 742

By Anonymous - 22/02/2013 02:56 - United States - New York

Today, I stole a pen from the doctor's office while she wasn't looking. Later on at work, I idly pulled the pen out during a meeting. My colleague looked at me, horrified. The pen had the words "minimally invasive gynecological surgery" emblazoned on it. I'm a man. FML

agreeclassic 8 666

vote type 1 51 526

By Heknowsnothing - 13/07/2016 21:09 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got my giant Game of Thrones tattoo finished. Despite the fact that I had spelt it out for him, the artist wrote "You no nothing John Snow." It's the focal part of the tattoo. FML

agreeclassic 12 372

vote type 1 6 916

Healthcare scandal

By itsjustnotfair - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my dentist asked me about my fillings, so I told him that when I was younger, I had two cavities. He replied, "No you didn't. I just looked at your x-rays." Turns out my old dentist ripped me off. I never needed fillings. FML

agreeclassic 48 986

vote type 1 2 644

By Catscratch - 01/09/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen and saw a note my roomate posted. As I got close to read it I was attacked by a very pissed off cat. The note said "Left window open last night, stray cat got in. Watch out he isn't friendly." FML

agreeclassic 46 499

vote type 1 3 268

By hackling fellow - 10/03/2011 13:17

Today, I was painting my mom's house, which so far had taken 12 hours over two days. All of a sudden there was a wind storm. All of the leaves stuck to the wet paint. FML

agreeclassic 36 946

vote type 1 4 176

By thechimpchapter - 31/12/2011 06:48 - United States

Today, I found out that the neighbor I'd given a bottle of wine to for Christmas is a recovering alcoholic. FML

agreeclassic 31 490

vote type 1 7 184

By Username - 13/02/2011 02:17 - United States

Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. 5 minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog shit in the exact same spot apparently to make me look stupid. FML

agreeclassic 38 741

vote type 1 3 729

Sleepy head

By wideawakeandinpain - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML

agreeclassic 32 670

vote type 1 3 248

By Scaredshitless - 03/02/2010 13:48 - France

Today, after waiting to get home to go to the bathroom, my six year old neighbor popped out and literally scared the shit out of me. FML

agreeclassic 31 924

vote type 1 3 741

By Anonymous - 18/09/2013 14:57 - United States

Today, the Internet wasn't working. One girl decided to try to diagnose the problem. It said to connect the Ethernet cable. She started making fun of the computer for spelling "Internet" wrong. I'm graduating with this idiot in less than a month. FML

agreeclassic 46 688

vote type 1 3 237

By PulledOver - 01/06/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I pulled up to the stoplight near my house. It was dark with no traffic and the car behind me kept edging closer and closer to me. I finally got fed up with waiting and the car and ran it. In fact, it was a cop and he was trying to read my license plate because the back light was out. FML

agreeclassic 10 978

vote type 1 54 840

By Anonymous - 09/07/2013 17:11 - United States - Romulus

Today, I realized my online dating profile has gotten more views with no picture than it has with my picture. FML

agreeclassic 50 639

vote type 1 5 580

By Nomoreballs - 10/07/2012 23:10 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I went to an amusement park with my ex in the hopes of re-kindling our relationship. While taking a break at the petting zoo, I got rammed in the balls by a goat. She laughed and patted the goat. FML

agreeclassic 25 759

vote type 1 6 450

Helicopter parents

By that girl. - 06/06/2012 05:26 - United States

Today, instead of having my friends come pick me up, my dad drove me over to visit them. He insisted on walking me up to the door, hugging me goodbye, and making sure my friends were appropriate enough to hang out with. I'm in college. FML

agreeclassic 27 553

vote type 1 3 565

By Wow. Really? - 29/04/2013 18:07 - United States - Columbus

Today, my fiancée broke off our engagement. For some bizarre reason, she'd hidden a pair of expensive boots and her iPad underneath our ride-on mower. I turned the mower on and destroyed both without realizing it. According to her, the fault is all mine. FML

agreeclassic 57 890

vote type 1 4 019

By Ndanick1193 - 17/10/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I found out that if you let your son install a new shower head, he won't tighten it properly. So when you turn the shower on, it will shoot out at rocket speed, hitting you in the face. Then when you grab the shower handle to prevent yourself falling backwards, you will just rip that out and hit your head again. FML

agreeclassic 37 331

vote type 1 5 325

By crazytown - 10/04/2014 15:50 - United States - Denver

Today, my psycho ex boyfriend, who I broke up with over a month ago showed up at my work yelling and crying because I didn't get him anything for his birthday. My boss now thinks I'm an asshole. FML

agreeclassic 46 400

vote type 1 4 682

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Top

Today, I accidentally sprayed some perfume in my eye. After rinsing said burning eye with water for a few minutes, I half-blindly grabbed the eyedrops my sister left on the counter and used some. They were actually tea tree oil drops. Ouch. FML

agreeclassic 25 659

vote type 1 5 679

Today, working in a liquor store, I had to tell a girl I couldn't sell her alcohol since she was severely intoxicated. She told me to "cash me ousside, how bow dat?" then smashed a bottle of wine and left. FML

agreeclassic 1 854

vote type 1 123

Today, my wedding day was ruined by my fiancé’s psychotic ex. It started out with the venue and my dress getting pelted by paintballs and one of her friends riding an ATV around, running over my fiancé. He's currently in the hospital with broken ribs and a concussion. $42,000 down the drain. FML

agreeclassic 1 150

vote type 1 133

Today, I learned that I'm not registered to vote. Apparently filling out the form and signing it in the county clerk's office was no guarantee and I was supposed to follow up until I received mail confirmation. It's now too late to fix. FML

agreeclassic 459

vote type 1 115

Today, my power finally came back on. I excitedly went and spent $100 to refill my fridge, only to come back home and discover the power is out again, and might not be back on for another three days. FML

agreeclassic 30 445

vote type 1 4 026

Today, my sister told me that the only reason I like one guy is because he looks exactly like the guy that dumped me. I showed her two pictures to argue against it, and ended up proving her right. FML

agreeclassic 24 138

vote type 1 5 828