Miscellaneous: Today, I got a phone call, and the person on the other line started... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a phone call, and the person on the other line started speaking French. I assumed it was my friend since we usually speak French with each other, so I said in French "What do you want, asshole?". It wasn't my friend. It was a representative for the exchange program I'm applying for. FML

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Taking stock

Rock, hard place

This ain't working out

By oh well - United States - Hesperia

Today, my sister in law threatened to call CPS on me because I “starved” her children when they spent the night. I didn’t starve them. I made an actual home cooked meal instead of the microwaveable or fast food crap she constantly feeds them. They chose not to eat and threw tantrums instead. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to get drinks for the first time with a guy I'd been talking to. He drank 4 drinks in the span of 30 minutes, and fell asleep at the table. I went to the bathroom before getting the check, and I came back to find he'd thrown up all over our table. Needless to say, I left without saying a word to him and deleted his number. FML

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By NowImSingle

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and threw all my stuff out into the yard because she caught me "texting another woman". Guess it didn't matter to her that the contact name was "Mom". FML

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By shitpile - United States

Today, I was at a water park with my family. While on the 100ft slide, my father decided it would be a great idea to pants me. I slipped and went down the 100ft slide naked for everyone to see. FML

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By pissed girlfriend - United States - Celina

Today, at my grandpa's funeral, my boyfriend texted me while sitting right beside me, asking if we could have sex when the "family get together" was finally over. FML

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By shelly - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house and had to pee. I waited an hour for my boyfriend to come home. When I saw him pull into the driveway, I peed myself in excitement. FML

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By Shirley - United States

Today, while out for our romantic Valentine's dinner, my boyfriend of 2 and a half years told me that he believes in females being subservient, that I'm not allowed to have opinions anymore, that he is "the alpha dog" and I'm merely the "beta dog", and that I have to "get used to it." FML

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By Cannot Unknow

Today, my wife and I drove to the other side of the country to attend a swinger party where we thought no one knew us. So did my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I was at a job interview. The interviewer spoke to me for a few minutes, then said she would be right back, and left. I was left alone in a room for an hour and a half believing that it was a patience test. They closed the store for the day, leaving me in the interview room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'd just finished cleaning the bathrooms at work when I saw a young boy go in. Of course, I thought nothing of it until I had to use the bathroom myself ten minutes later. The kid had taken a shit and missed the toilet completely. FML

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By accidentalslut - United States

Today, I met a hot guy at a club and we really hit it off. We went back to his place and we got down to business. After, I noticed he had an iPod Touch on his nightstand. I complimented him on it and he responded with, "Yeah, my girlfriend gave it to me as an anniversary present." FML

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By angela

Busted!

Today, I went to a party. Although I wasn't drinking, I was still afraid the cops would bust me. Halfway through the party, the cops showed up. I tried to hop a fence, ripping my pants and cutting my leg in the meantime. It wasn't until was on the ground that I found out there was a gate. FML

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By Ughh! - France

Today, the people living below me have been blasting their music so loudly that I can hear every word as clear as day. The people next door think it's my music and feel the need to bang on the wall and blast their music just as loudly in revenge. I have two very important exams tomorrow. FML

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By

Today, while I was at the gym, I saw a guy walk into the girls locker room. I was walking nearby so I said, "Hey man, that's the wrong one." Turns out it was just a very masculine-looking woman, with a very masculine haircut. FML

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By manksy - United Kingdom

Today, when I was unpacking all of my stuff, my parents declared that they are going to live in Australia, and have found me a 'friend'. I am a 14 year old girl at boarding school, and my friend is my new foster mum. FML

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By Agathus - United Arab Emirates

Today, my mother spent over $5,000 to fly in a Feng-Shui master, put him in a five-star hotel, and had him walk around our house with a compass, moving things to help improve the "energy flow." Now all I have in my room is an old mattress and lamp. He's coming back tomorrow. FML

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By Celeste - Singapore

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

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By Disrespectful

Today, my boss fired me for "disrespecting" him after I told him to fuck off. This would be understandable, if I hadn't said it when he was at my house for dinner, harassing my wife with suggestive poses, heavily implied comments, and trying to put his hand on her crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a woman got out of a car to scream at me as I was walking with the kids I babysit, demanding to know where I was taking her children. Apparently the woman who pays me is also a babysitter, who I have been "covering" for on her party nights. The mother doesn't believe I didn't know this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my mom for her birthday. She started talking about an infomercial she'd seen for a combo bidet-and-dryer, and how she would like to get one so she can feel "fresh down there" without worrying about getting bits of toilet paper on her nether regions. I can't un-hear this. FML

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By Nate - United States

Today, we watched a movie in class. Afterwards, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie HE spent five years writing and directing. FML

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By grounded - United States

Today, I went to dinner to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I received a text message, so I pulled out my phone to check. Apparently, his parents have a "No phone at the table rule" and took my phone away until I can learn "proper table manners." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to give a joint presentation at college. My partner was so high, she couldn't even pronounce her own name properly in her introduction. I'm pretty sure her antics are going to get us both failed hard. FML

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By öKANEö - United States - San Marcos

Today, during class, a student began arguing with my Algebra II teacher about whether or not water is wet. The student became so frustrated he threw a stapler across the room. Guess who got hit in the head and is currently bleeding pints in the nurse's office. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my fiancée bought me a luxury getaway to the Maldives, complete with a five-star hotel and first-class plane tickets. Too bad she used my credit card, with all the money I was saving for our wedding. FML

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By anon - Canada - Calgary

Today, my stepmom asked me to bake pies for a dinner party she was having. Since I love baking, I said yes. When I went to deliver the pies, I found out they were for a family dinner I wasn't invited to. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Bolton

Today, I went for a jog. I was 5 km away from home when I had a sudden urge to poop. I didn't want to use the bushes, so I thought I could hold it in. I was wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend donated most of my book collection because she got me a Kindle for Christmas. Some were signed, including my Harry Potters. FML

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By gothchick201013 - United States - Dayton

Today, my dog kept barking at the door, and I jokingly shouted, "Language!" My mom heard and grounded me for yelling at the dog. FML

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By nutcracker - Slovenia

Today, I tried to see if you can kick yourself in the nuts. You can. FML

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By MICHAELTHEA - United States

Today, I was walking on the beach when I tripped. I was about to land on a kid's sandcastle, so I tried to dodge by leaning left to avoid it. Before I hit the ground, I noticed the many rocks I was heading for. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 06:57 - United Kingdom - Boston

Stuck

Today, I found out that the badly-parked car without MOT, that I chose not to report, has been moved and now blocking my car in. I need to get to the shops and have no idea who the driver is. FML

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By bobafett892 - United States - Atlanta

Today, while working at a cell phone store, I helped an older woman learn how to use her newly updated phone. After trying to help her for over 20 minutes, she threatened to throw her phone at my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 01:58 - United States

Evil eye doctor

Today, my step-son broke his glasses. Our doctor said he would no longer see us because my step-son is transgender, and a new law in our state allows him to do this. Apparently, it was foolish to be honest on medical forms. Finals are in a month but we have to find a new doctor before he can even study. FML

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By NotSoAnon - United States

Today, I was painting my room. I told my mom not to open the door because I was on a ladder just behind it, with a paint can perched atop. She barged in to ask me what I'd said. FML

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By civicman - Canada

Today, I was cuddling on the couch with my girlfriend when I started to tickle her, she asked me to stop but I continued. She had a reaction, and kneed me in the happy sacks. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a guy's dorm for the first time. He told me to wait outside for a minute because he had to "clean something up" first. When I told him I'm 420 friendly, he said, "Nah I just came on my desk earlier and didn't feel like wiping it up." FML

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By urinetrouble - Canada - Hamilton

Today, while checking the men's bathroom at work, I noticed one of the air fresheners had fallen from the top of the paper towel holder into the garbage. It wasn't until I picked it up and examined it that I realized I was actually holding used urinal fresheners. FML

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By mass message - Canada

Today, my mom left for a business trip. Thinking it was a good time to throw a party, I mass messaged everyone on my contact list. I thought it was going to be a success. The problem with this? My mom is on my contacts list. She replied "I'll be home in an hour. You're grounded." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2020 20:01

Age appropriate

Today, I got refused a Red Bull because I didn't have my ID on me and you have to be over 16 to legally buy one. I'm 26 and was paying for petrol for the car that I was going to drive away in. FML

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Top comments

By ilikerainbows | 0

#42763 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:12

Tu es tres stupide.

By Spiffy | 0

#42747 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:05

Next time ask before you assume.

Because when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me. But in this case, just you :P

COMMENTS

By Spiffy | 0

#42747 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:05

Next time ask before you assume.

Because when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me. But in this case, just you :P

Reply

ReyEr9412 | 0

#937373 - Thursday 11 March 2010 23:30

I agree. Assuming makes an ass out of u and me.

Reply

missonedirection | 6

#4214039 - Sunday 25 March 2012 19:40

Isn't "ass out of you NOT me...?"

Reply

Ramb0 | 20

#6534621 - Friday 12 February 2016 0:09

no it is not

By kamikaze_fml | 0

#42756 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:10

Votre sont un baiser retarde.

By ilikerainbows | 0

#42763 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:12

Tu es tres stupide.

Reply

Gimmedat | 0

#1013352 - Monday 31 May 2010 4:54

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

cowycal | 4

#1019884 - Saturday 5 June 2010 5:42

^Knowing which language it is fail. -_-

Reply

RileyFerrari | 0

#1035615 - Saturday 19 June 2010 5:28

French, you retard. Très means very.

Reply

Lawlihearttigers | 5

#3747722 - Sunday 18 December 2011 1:51

F. A. I. L. ! Learn how to speak the language before criticizing.

Reply

TaylorLynn462 | 10

#4622795 - Thursday 28 June 2012 0:48

No, it's a french win.

Reply

icrest80 | 4

#4872030 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 2:52

3 not to be a tight ass but because you probably don't know op it would be vous êtes très stupides. I guess this makes me a French grammar nazi lol

Reply

FluffyWizdom | 15

#5065991 - Sunday 21 October 2012 21:23

t'es vraiment con

Reply

Salzxx | 11

#6695655 - Monday 26 September 2016 21:05

#89 it's just one person, so tu works. #3 just forgot the accent

By Jimboom | 11

#42773 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:16

Thanks. You just re-enforce the negative stereotype about French being rude arrogant fuckers.

I say thanks because I like taking the piss out of the French. :-P

By photographygal | 0

#42774 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:17

welllll there goes your chances of making into that program lol

By i_f_16 | 0

#42781 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:18

I guess you dont kno ur friends voices that well

Reply

ladidalisa | 0

#1023501 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 4:37

what I was thinking

Reply

iluvfmls456 | 0

#2820442 - Monday 4 July 2011 20:45

or their phone numbers.

By icare4u | 0

#42789 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:24

c'est bien dommage!!

By Shemia | 7

#42802 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:31

I'm French and I'm never being a rude arrogant fucker, thanks a lot.

By xolotl | 0

#42811 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:39

Why would you assume that?

By Hlessirah | 3

#42815 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:43

Well, it's better than if you had said that in English, right? At least you showed them that you're fluent in french cursing...Maybe they were impressed!