Today, I got a phone call, and the person on the other line started... - FML

By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, I got a phone call, and the person on the other line started speaking French. I assumed it was my friend since we usually speak French with each other, so I said in French "What do you want, asshole?". It wasn't my friend. It was a representative for the exchange program I'm applying for. FML

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Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Weird kid

Tidy your room

By kat - 31/10/2012 11:30 - United States - Ocala

Today, the bar owner I work for told us to pay better attention to our drunk patrons, and to start cutting them off. A fellow bar maid asked how we are supposed to tell when it's time. He pointed at me and said, "When they start hitting on her, they're too drunk to drive." FML

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By Anoymous - 18/9/2013 18:31 - Slovakia - Bratislava

Today, I started my new job. Only after I met my new boss did I realise I've met him before. He was at my friend's party last month, the only time in my life when I got so wasted that I danced on a table before puking on myself. He remembers me, too. FML

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By Peter - 25/11/2010 10:25

Today, while at work, I got fired because I was 'hitting' on my boss's wife who also works in the same company. Since when does 'asking for paper clips' mean 'hitting on'? FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I turned 23. I had asked my mom for some things to decorate my new place. As I opened the box to reveal my gift, a mirror was inside. I liked the mirror. I did not like the note attached that said "Look inside the mirror to see who is now 100% financially responsible for themselves." FML

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By itwasmyfavoriteshirt - 16/8/2012 19:28 - United States - Bentonville

Today, my aunt borrowed my favorite shirt. Don't worry, she returned it. Complete with jizz stains. FML

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By thedancer5 - 3/8/2011 16:47 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing a breakup note with permanent marker on my newly painted bedroom wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2016 15:23 - United States - Bellefontaine

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he's convinced wearing boxer briefs instead of panties makes me a lesbian. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2014 23:38 - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, my boyfriend informed me of how I had really hurt his feelings. Apparently, not wanting to be sent a photo of his poop is hurtful. FML

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By cmolloy - 21/12/2011 14:40 - Ireland

Today, I texted a friend offering my condolences over the death of his grandfather. He hadn't been told his grandfather had died yet. FML

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By fudgydiaper22 - 30/1/2011 00:28 - United States

Today, my dad attempted to fix a power outlet. He managed to shock himself with 120 volts and fall backwards, landing on top of me. I am 85 pounds and he weighs 290 pounds. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 20:52 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend was complaining that we don't have "a song". Irritated, I told her that I'd put on the radio, and whatever song was playing was our song from now on. I switched on the radio, and "It's Not Fair" by Lily Allen was playing. Our song is about premature ejaculation. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2012 02:09 - United States

Today, the closest I got to a vacation was the smell of my new towels, because they remind me of a hotel. FML

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By mandy - 1/8/2009 01:51 - Australia

Today, my mum deleted my college research assignment on rape because the subject was too vulgar. I had worked on it for the past month and it was worth 50% of my grade. It's due tomorrow. FML

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By cockalicious - 1/3/2011 05:29

Today, my boyfriend let me know he wanted me to leave by repeatedly jabbing me with my car keys. FML

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By fucksake - 5/10/2014 15:55 - Malaysia - Seri Kembangan

Today, at age 31, I was about to finally lose my virginity. As we tumbled onto the bed, an excruciating pain shot through my stomach. It turned out to be a hernia, and no, I didn't get laid in the end. FML

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By JoshuaRob - 3/3/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, I got excited because a snowman I had built lasted a whole week, which is uncommon in my mild climate area. I thought myself lucky, and that my life was turning around. Then I realized how lame my whole train of thought was. FML

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By Sweet Jesus - 18/6/2020 14:02

NCIS: Dumbass Response Team

Today, when my almost-16-year-old asked if the 9-1-1 phone number was named after 9/11, I forgave her because she wasn't even born when it happened, but when my 18-year-old asked if jelly comes from jellyfish, I wondered if I've failed as a parent. FML

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By bs_happens - 11/1/2010 15:28 - United States

Today, I found out that a water pipe at my work had burst over the weekend. There is absolutely no water in the building, including the bathrooms. It's a 9 hour day, and I took a laxative this morning before I came in. FML

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By Kitkat - 2/5/2020 14:00

Experts, schmexperts

Today, my mom took medical advice from her friend over mine. Her friend sells cheese and I'm a pharmacist. FML

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By loserface - 23/2/2009 22:50 - United States

Today, I was interviewing a cute guy for my journalism class, and he asked to borrow my laptop to check his email quickly. After the interview, I realized that the last thing I had searched for on my browser's Google box was "ingrown pubic hairs," and it was still up there. FML

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By frosho - 9/3/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a restaurant with my best friend. We had just competed in a pageant together earlier this month. A lady comes up to my friend who got first alternate and said,"You were robbed of that title. You deserved to win. I hated the winner." I was the winner. FML

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By sausagefingers - 22/10/2012 05:29 - United States - Nixa

Today, I overheard my boyfriend and his friends talking in the next room. I smiled when my boyfriend called me beautiful, only to hear his friend laugh and say, "C'mon, dude. She has fat ankles and smells like deli meat." FML

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By Tank - 16/7/2016 23:14 - Canada

Today, my roommate is being evicted. Since we had some very good memories together I was sad to come home and see all of her stuff gone...and half of my stuff, too. FML

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By goddamn chicken subs - 24/3/2016 16:51 - United States

Today, my brother and I got food poisoning because of the shady chicken subs we ate last night. Our mom thinks we're faking it and sent us to school anyway. I'm coming to you live from a school toilet while missing a test. FML

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By sofakingweetodit - 18/10/2010 12:44 - United States

Today, in preparation for a presentation at work, I decided to take a handful of vitamins to fight my cold. As I was putting the bottles away, I noticed one of them was a laxative. FML

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By RickTheBoy - 10/7/2013 12:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after a haircut, I walked to the cash register, handed the hairdresser a $20 bill and said, "Keep the change." He looked at me with a blank expression and replied, "The haircut costs 25 dollars." FML

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By spekledworf - 28/8/2012 02:57 - United States - Wrentham

Today, I discovered why the milk in my house has a funny, sweet taste. My family has been pouring the leftover milk from their cereal back into the carton. FML

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By unpatriotic - 4/7/2013 13:13 - United States - Eugene

Today, my manager made me remove an Eiffel Tower ornament from one of my displays. Not because it didn't look good or match the theme, but because it was "disrespectful" to have it out on the 4th of July. FML

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By unlucky_vee_13 - 23/2/2009 22:02 - United States

Today, I was talking to my 81-year-old widowed grandmother on the phone, and she told me she was giving up sex for lent. Not only do I now have a vision of my grandma having sex, I am reminded that she is having more sex than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2012 06:43 - United States

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

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By notarobber - 15/5/2013 07:20 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was wearing a black shirt, black pants, and a black beanie at a grocery store. I came around a corner, bumped into a woman and she screamed, "Murderer." I was immediately thrown out. FML

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By avatarnicole9 - 4/6/2015 05:17 - Canada

Today, while going for a walk, I saw two bunnies next to the road. Apparently, I was scarier than the oncoming traffic, because one of them decided to sprint into the road as I walked by. I could hear its bones crunch as it got hit by a car. FML

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By toe - 3/2/2015 03:14 - United States - Sullivan

Today, I stole my brother's fuzzy slippers for the day as I usually do. Too bad he had been anticipating this and had left a mouse trap in one of them. FML

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By James - 30/3/2012 18:44 - United States

Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML

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By man down! man down... - 1/12/2019 03:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Change it!

Today, I had sex with a friend. It was really good too! Until she kicked me in my right nut while changing positions. FML

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By idontevencareanymore - 23/5/2014 21:25 - United States - Jarrell

Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML

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By poop - 24/3/2016 18:15 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I discovered my cat is bathroom shy when I accidentally walked in on him relieving himself. He jumped about 3 feet in the air and bolted out, launching feces and pee all over the bathroom, hallway, and my shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2016 18:47

Today, I clogged the toilet at my boyfriend's house. I couldn't fix it and was too ashamed to say anything. I can't handle confrontation, so I had to just sit there as my boyfriend's brother ended up getting blamed, then grounded for "lying" about it not being his fault. FML

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By Jersey girl - 8/12/2016 07:58 - United States - Miami

Today, I requested to have the next Sunday off of my job in retail. Not only did my boss say that we're not allowed to ask for weekends off anymore, but I also have to work on another weekend that I requested off. I guess I'm not going to my sister's wedding. FML

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By holladaddy - 24/2/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was DJ'ing a wedding. The groom wanted a song played for his grandma and grandpa. I announce over the microphone for his grandparents to come to the dance floor for a special song. Turns out his grandparents have been dead for over a year and the song was supposed to be in dedication. FML

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Top comments

By ilikerainbows | 0

#42763 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:12

Tu es tres stupide.

By Spiffy | 0

#42747 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:05

Next time ask before you assume.

Because when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me. But in this case, just you :P

COMMENTS

By Spiffy | 0

#42747 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:05

Next time ask before you assume.

Because when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me. But in this case, just you :P

Reply

ReyEr9412 | 0

#937373 - Thursday 11 March 2010 23:30

I agree. Assuming makes an ass out of u and me.

Reply

missonedirection | 6

#4214039 - Sunday 25 March 2012 19:40

Isn't "ass out of you NOT me...?"

Reply

Ramb0 | 20

#6534621 - Friday 12 February 2016 0:09

no it is not

By kamikaze_fml | 0

#42756 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:10

Votre sont un baiser retarde.

By ilikerainbows | 0

#42763 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:12

Tu es tres stupide.

Reply

Gimmedat | 0

#1013352 - Monday 31 May 2010 4:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

cowycal | 4

#1019884 - Saturday 5 June 2010 5:42

^Knowing which language it is fail. -_-

Reply

RileyFerrari | 0

#1035615 - Saturday 19 June 2010 5:28

French, you retard. Très means very.

Reply

Lawlihearttigers | 5

#3747722 - Sunday 18 December 2011 1:51

F. A. I. L. ! Learn how to speak the language before criticizing.

Reply

TaylorLynn462 | 10

#4622795 - Thursday 28 June 2012 0:48

No, it's a french win.

Reply

icrest80 | 4

#4872030 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 2:52

3 not to be a tight ass but because you probably don't know op it would be vous êtes très stupides. I guess this makes me a French grammar nazi lol

Reply

FluffyWizdom | 15

#5065991 - Sunday 21 October 2012 21:23

t'es vraiment con

Reply

Salzxx | 8

#6695655 - Monday 26 September 2016 21:05

#89 it's just one person, so tu works. #3 just forgot the accent

By Jimboom | 11

#42773 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:16

Thanks. You just re-enforce the negative stereotype about French being rude arrogant fuckers.

I say thanks because I like taking the piss out of the French. :-P

By photographygal | 0

#42774 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:17

welllll there goes your chances of making into that program lol

By i_f_16 | 0

#42781 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:18

I guess you dont kno ur friends voices that well

Reply

ladidalisa | 0

#1023501 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 4:37

what I was thinking

Reply

iluvfmls456 | 0

#2820442 - Monday 4 July 2011 20:45

or their phone numbers.

By icare4u | 0

#42789 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:24

c'est bien dommage!!

By Shemia | 7

#42802 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:31

I'm French and I'm never being a rude arrogant fucker, thanks a lot.

By xolotl | 0

#42811 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:39

Why would you assume that?

By Hlessirah | 3

#42815 - Thursday 19 March 2009 16:43

Well, it's better than if you had said that in English, right? At least you showed them that you're fluent in french cursing...Maybe they were impressed!