Miscellaneous: Today, my psycho ex boyfriend, who I broke up with over a month...

By crazytown - 10/04/2014 15:50 - United States - Denver

Today, my psycho ex boyfriend, who I broke up with over a month ago showed up at my work yelling and crying because I didn't get him anything for his birthday. My boss now thinks I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 298

You deserved it 4 667

Miscellaneous

Dysfunctional

Zamboni please

Weird reason, but OK

By GoldenTornado11 - 10/05/2017 14:00

Today, I walked in on my parents having sex. In my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 934

You deserved it 524

By dntstopmenow - 14/03/2009 05:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I was writing a very important email to my college professor. I went upstairs for something and came back down to send it. I later asked him today why he hadn't responded to which he said "I'm flattered...but can't." My roommate had added "love you xxx" at the end of the email. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 166

You deserved it 7 619

How romantic!

By dislocated - 14/02/2018 20:30

Today, my boyfriend dislocated my jaw by sitting on my face while trying to fart on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 606

You deserved it 848

By peoplesuck - 14/05/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, I stayed up all night to study for my anatomy final at 9 a.m. I studied outside the testing room in the hall all night. Apparently I feel asleep with my headphones as my friend woke me up after walking out of the test asking how I did. 300 classmates walked by and no one woke me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 002

You deserved it 15 501

By TheSublime - 21/10/2009 13:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a friend redecorate. She had put up some shelving, that we presumed was stable. It broke, and all the expensive vases and collectables fell to the floor. On instinct, I leapt forward to catch the closest thing. It was not the expensive vase. It was a cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 770

You deserved it 4 623

By Crappyfayman - 23/02/2010 02:46 - United States

Today, someone gave me a note to pass along to a girl in class. The note had the girl's name surrounded by hearts. When I gave it to her, she assumed it was a love note from me, and said "Not in a million years, fat ass" before I could say it was from someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 641

You deserved it 3 573

By Anonymous - 08/10/2009 04:24 - Canada

Today, I was helping my elderly landlady (75 years old) carry in her groceries. She said "Thanks" and then handed me a notice of eviction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 472

You deserved it 5 264

By drycleanplz - 21/06/2011 02:33 - Reserved

Today, I wore my expensive new white jacket to work, thinking it would be a nice change from my usual black. I managed to lean in printer ink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 559

You deserved it 12 807

By Why - 29/01/2016 22:53

Today, I randomly got a boner while modeling a character's butt in animation class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 561

You deserved it 3 577

Death Grips

By Anonymous - 03/03/2020 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I knew my girlfriend's dad owned a security company. What I did not know was that he treats his employees like family, so my girlfriend has about 40 scary uncles who’ve known her since she was a baby, and most of them are ex-military. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 002

You deserved it 354

By BarhydtBran - 18/08/2015 01:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 959

You deserved it 11 314

By Anonymous - 09/09/2011 13:25 - Australia

Today, I had to walk through an extremely crowded pub wearing a dorky prisoner outfit to get to a dress-up party at the back. When we got there, I soon realised it wasn't fancy dress, but just black-and-white themed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 923

You deserved it 21 855

By Anonymous - 15/08/2015 09:32 - Canada - Prince George

Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 572

You deserved it 5 014

Oh, hi

By Fifi - 16/04/2018 05:00

Today, my husband popped out to the hotel gym while I jumped in the shower. After a while I heard a knock on the door. Thinking it was him, I cheekily opened the door in my naked glory to be greeted by the maid. I didn’t know do-not-disturb signs aren’t double sided. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 473

You deserved it 3 338

By Anonymous - 26/10/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, my husband's daughter told us that she's 5 months pregnant. I'm going to be a step grandmother and I'm only 23 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 099

You deserved it 48 175

By Anonymous - 23/10/2014 18:43 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping in public but I really had to go so I brought her in with me. Thinking we were alone, I started to go and my daughter yelled, "Good job, mommy, you're using the potty like a big girl!" I then heard laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 116

You deserved it 4 864

By Bart - 03/07/2015 04:32 - France - Lille

Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 271

You deserved it 3 495

Quiet

By Anonymous - 07/08/2011 01:40 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the hospital waiting area. An old lady was crying, and my five year-old daughter asked her, "Are you okay?" The woman quietly nodded, prompting my daughter to scream at the top of her lungs, "Well shut up then!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 586

You deserved it 11 483

By It burns down there - 11/12/2018 17:30

Today, I used a new fragrance-free hypoallergenic laundry detergent for my underwear, as I have sensitive skin. I got a rash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 045

You deserved it 210

By evelynn - 20/05/2010 06:25 - France

Today, the guy I'm seeing and I were having sex. While I was having my orgasm, he looked at me and said "SHHHH!". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 957

You deserved it 8 135

By rapper in training - 11/02/2012 01:02 - United States

Today, I was taking a dump in a public toilet, when a guy in the next stall started drunkenly rapping. He kept trying to get me to rap along with him, eventually bashing the wall and threatening to bust my face in if I didn't. I soon found out I can rap to Slob On My Knob pretty well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 713

You deserved it 3 090

Felt cute

By dieana - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Lacombe

Today, I actually uttered the words, "Those are my good sweatpants." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 263

You deserved it 9 675

By Farva - 24/01/2009 23:52 - United States

Today, I made a Craigslist ad looking for hot and horny women that wanted some. I only got one reply, from another guy asking me if this kind of thing actually works. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 112

You deserved it 42 491

By myusofwe - 06/02/2016 01:33 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 816

You deserved it 3 002

By Username - 02/08/2011 14:52 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. By a fish hook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 449

You deserved it 5 093

By Anonymous - 09/02/2016 23:21 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to give up going to a therapist because it was too expensive and my parents couldn't afford it. Meanwhile, a girl in my class is getting a therapist for her dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 902

You deserved it 1 676

By Firepussy911 - 14/06/2018 06:22

Today, my husband decided to literally spice things up. He put a "small amount" of hot-sauce in our lubricant without telling me. He thought 1,000,000 Scoville units would make me cum. The only one who came was the paramedic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 723

You deserved it 490

By Chubby - 02/11/2009 20:39 - Belgium

Today, I was babysitting a really annoying kid who wouldn't listen to me, and threw his food through the kitchen, so I punished him. When his mother came home he ran to her and said, "Mommy, mommy, it's not true what you told me, fat people are NOT nice!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 492

You deserved it 5 521

By Hello condoms and lube - 09/02/2016 21:53 - United Kingdom - Lewes

Today, I learnt what my boss meant when he said he would 'get his revenge on me' for winning a bet. I have to clean all the rooms that currently have a couple staying in it on February 15th. I don't want to work in a hotel anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 972

You deserved it 1 659

By cstokes - 05/05/2011 04:44 - United States

Today, at work, I was supposed to have an easy two-hour shift, after which I was planning on attending a party that had been arranged to celebrate my graduation. Nearly six hours later, I am just getting home after being super busy and shorthanded at work for hours. I missed my own party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 218

You deserved it 3 419

Going medieval

By hurley - 27/02/2011 10:10 - Australia

Today, I had my friends help me put on a suit of full plate armor for a medieval re-enactment. After the battle, my friends left. I can't get the armor off by myself and will probably have to sleep in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 986

You deserved it 9 910

By OUCH - 19/05/2009 05:17 - Canada

Today, while going for a run in my neighbourhood I was hit by a car not once, but twice. The second car, closely following the first, stopped and then drove forward to see if I was all right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 376

You deserved it 3 222

Heart = Broken

By Anonymous - 27/01/2018 19:00

Today, I got my lady bits waxed for my man with a little heart-shaped landing strip. Later, as he removed my panties, he crinkled his nose and stated, "It looks like Donald Trump." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 273

You deserved it 1 056

By Redhottt6 - 05/08/2016 01:24

Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 833

You deserved it 1 608

By Anonymous - 15/06/2011 13:37 - Denmark

Today, I was in my family's hotel room taking a dump. The lock to the bathroom was broken so we had made a deal: when the door is closed, someone is using the toilet. The maid didn't know that. She punched me in the face because she claimed I scared her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 087

You deserved it 3 288

By Anonymous - 01/05/2019 04:00

Today, I noticed that my 80-year-old mother has gone through 50+ bottles of my home-made wine. She only moved in with me a month ago. And now I have no wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 133

You deserved it 213

By zombieguyswife - 28/06/2012 23:44 - United States - Branson

Today, I found out that the only way I can convince my husband to start working out is by convincing him that we are training for when the "zombie outbreak" happens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 026

You deserved it 3 967

By jsw029 - 26/02/2009 04:51 - United States

Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 831

You deserved it 20 826

By RhuLynette - 31/08/2011 06:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to get locked inside a caravan toilet. My relatives heard me having a panic attack and instead of unlocking the door, they called the neighbours over to enjoy my anguish and embarrassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 606

You deserved it 2 976

By ihateumicheal - 02/08/2010 15:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to visit me at work. With another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 414

You deserved it 4 231

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Top comments

pjsr 32

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Thursday 10 April 2014 22:42

A restraining order would make a great birthday present!

iBanana 17

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Thursday 10 April 2014 22:50

WE WERE TOGETHER FOR 8 WEEKS. I BOUGHT HER A STUFFED HIPPO FOR BIRTHDAY. WHAT DID SHE GET FOR MY BIRTHDAY? NOTHING!!!!!!!

Owlnight321 16

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Thursday 10 April 2014 22:41

How long were you together?

iBanana 17

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Thursday 10 April 2014 22:50

WE WERE TOGETHER FOR 8 WEEKS. I BOUGHT HER A STUFFED HIPPO FOR BIRTHDAY. WHAT DID SHE GET FOR MY BIRTHDAY? NOTHING!!!!!!!

sempisaviour 17

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Thursday 10 April 2014 23:10

#20 ... ... Wow.

holliepong 8

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Friday 11 April 2014 1:18

does that matter?

FunnnyGirrl 19

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Friday 11 April 2014 2:51

Does your comment really matter?

TheAbstract 15

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Friday 11 April 2014 6:16

Do any of us really matter?

jkmartinjk 16

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Friday 11 April 2014 7:22

Sometimes I just wonder why we're really here...

kangx1 28

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Friday 11 April 2014 13:12

That escalated quickly.

BrickTamlandLamp 13

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Friday 11 April 2014 16:10

#84 - not really

thrAsHeRr9081 16

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Friday 11 April 2014 17:03

#79... Well, technically speaking, we ARE matter...

Konain 12

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Thursday 10 April 2014 22:42

Well, good riddance then. Although this sucks, maybe you could explain the situation to your boss.

pjsr 32

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Thursday 10 April 2014 22:42

A restraining order would make a great birthday present!

Nymeria_fml 25

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Friday 11 April 2014 0:20

Half the people on FML seem to need restraining orders.

LatvianPride 16

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Friday 11 April 2014 3:40

You can only get retraining order if they are abusive or threatening.. Op should just tell him to fuck off..

jerryj 27

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Friday 11 April 2014 6:15

Then it would be OP getting the restraining order, which would...also work out just fine!

azyjazy713 11

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Thursday 10 April 2014 22:42

Let your boss know that your ex stealing your underwear was the last birthday present you gave him, after the restraining order.

hzxrd 7

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Thursday 10 April 2014 23:58

Wut

SgtAssCheeks 21

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Friday 11 April 2014 1:25

She didn't really gave him the underwear if he stole them... derp.

TvSmith 8

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Friday 11 April 2014 3:05

*give

Trin_Tran 26

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Thursday 10 April 2014 22:42

He either needs to grow up or grow a pair .

HeyTherexxx 21

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Friday 11 April 2014 3:17

He needs to get the hell away from OP and take the obvious hint.

GEBEH 14

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Friday 11 April 2014 5:32

Grow a pair for what? Finally fulfilling his dreams of murder, suicide?

mariab2898 13

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Thursday 10 April 2014 22:42

I'm sure if you explain to your boss what happened he'll understand:)

askullnamedbilly 33

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Thursday 10 April 2014 22:53

She doesn't need to though. Her personal life is none of her boss' business, and they are in no position to make judgements about her.

extrasnipes 22

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Friday 11 April 2014 1:46

Well, for almost everyone i'm pretty sure you automatically judge when you hear something. Like if you hear that someone you know got punched by her old friend, you're going to think her old friend is rude even if you don't know them.

TrinityNevada 11

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Friday 11 April 2014 2:24

It has nothing to do with "none of their business" if Dude is showing up acting like that, the boss needs to know that Dude has no reason to come in AT ALL. It's their responsibility to keep their customers and employees safe. And with police reports like that, OP is more likely to get a TPO

Goblin182 26

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Friday 11 April 2014 17:54

Her personal life is not her boss's business, until it shows up at her boss's front door. Yeah, then its his business because it could affect his business.