Today, my mom asked me when I'm going to propose to my girlfriend....

By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 15:11 - United States

Today, my mom asked me when I'm going to propose to my girlfriend. Not only was she in the room at the time, I've spent the whole week thinking of ways to break up with her without ending up in the hospital. 5ML

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Love

Assumptions

Weird kid

Get me away from here, I'm dying

By whoops - 29/6/2014 20:37 - United States - Hicksville

Today, my mom told me to take out the trash. I thought it would be a good idea to Hulk-smash it into the can. I missed. The bag ripped and garbage flew everywhere. FML

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By loserman67 - 18/7/2016 12:04

Today, I was told that the $8,500 bill for my new water well grew to $11,000 because of a fair amount of overtime. I learned that the men I hired to drill the new well at our home were spending the overtime drilling my daughter as well. FML

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By nolife - 30/8/2012 01:33 - United States - Richmond

Today, I purposely misspelled words while texting my boyfriend so he would think I was out partying and having a life. FML

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By Rachel - 2/2/2009 22:00 - United States

Today, I bit into a cereal bar and thought the inside was oddly damp. I took a look at it and saw a maggot worm wriggling around. Its friend was in my mouth. FML

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By littlemiss - 10/2/2013 16:17 - Canada - Whitby

Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML

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By Emily - 21/8/2011 04:54 - United States

Today, I finally lost my virginity. In my boyfriend's racecar bed. FML

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By Dannylover - 17/2/2009 20:53 - Netherlands

Today, I finally hooked up with a boy I really liked. We were lying in bed and my panties were already off when he asked me : "Would you also have sex with me if you weren't drunk?". I responded "Yes!" and asked him the same question, at which he responded : "No, probably not." FML

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By Schaf_12 - 16/6/2012 18:10 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I trimmed my beard. When I showed my wife, she said, "Yeah, but you still look like a serial killer." FML

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By Hungry - 14/1/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, a drunk girl asked me for directions to her hotel. I had just bought an empanada and was feeling good, so I agree to look up the address on my phone. Two minutes and a text charge later, I got the address. Out of inebriated glee, she hugged me and knocked the tasty empanada out of my hand. FML

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By chels - 10/12/2012 07:47 - United States - Youngstown

Today, my boyfriend got done with Marine combat training. The first thing he asked for weren't pictures of me but pictures of his car. Missed you too babe. FML

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By whywouldudothat - 19/4/2020 02:00

Vinted-ed

Today, my mom sold my watch collection on Vinted. I've spent over 15 years on the collection and I don't even live with my mom. I'm still wondering how she got in. FML

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By Poopy - 12/1/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2014 15:47 - United States - Arlington

Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words "Lisa, will you..." then abruptly shat my pants. FML

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By Uriah - 3/7/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I was chatting with an amazing guy online. He was perfect for me. After five hours he told me he loved me and I said it back. So than we decided to trade nudes. I sent mine. Within two seconds my niece calls, laughing her ass off, telling me how weird my birthmark is. FML

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By ouch - 28/4/2012 06:54 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I was with a friend at the mall and I made eye contact and smiled at the worker at a smoothie stand that I went on a date with last year. He saw me, and then ducked down behind the register, where he remained while his coworker awkwardly leaned over him to take my order and money. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2020 17:01

Workaholic

Today, after finally finding the one after so many heartbreaks, he’s leaving me because things are actually too good. He says having me around distracts him too much from work, and spends too much time with me instead of working weekends on top of working all week. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2013 08:17 - United States

Today, I was grocery shopping. When I got to the frozen foods, I saw some lean pockets, which I haven't had in forever, so I bought a couple of boxes. Around lunch time, I was hungry and thought I could have some, until I realized why I stopped buying them: I don't have a microwave. FML

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By misopower - 25/7/2009 18:50 - China

Today, after 9 months in our relationship, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. We had incredible, mind-blowing sex. An hour later, he broke up with me because apparently "my orgasm face is ugly." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2015 16:18 - United States

Today, I spent my last $50 to get a ticket to take my daughter out for a nice birthday dinner tonight. It wasn't until after I purchased it that I realized the restaurant isn't even open on Mondays. FML

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By Anon - 26/6/2014 04:03 - United States - Middletown

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to marry me and be the father of my children. Five minutes later, he told me he wants to experience death. FML

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By Bride to be - 19/5/2017 10:00 - United States - Dayton

Today, after religiously eating healthy, getting good sleep, and trying to keep my stress level low, I'm stuck in bed with aches, fever, sore throat, the shits and throwing up. My wedding is in 2 days. FML

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By DabTheFuckOut - 16/9/2016 19:35 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I finally said yes to a date with a guy. I was hesistant due to him being quite a bit younger than me. On our date, he dabbed 27 times. Yes, I actually kept count. FML

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By RandomMe - 26/2/2016 08:00 - Cambodia - Sihanouk

Today, I was craving some popcorn, so I went to the supermarket and bought the microwaveable type. When I got home, I remembered I didn't have a microwave. FML

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By Face - 9/1/2010 10:12 - Australia

Today, I got hit in the face with a piece of bacon. FML

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By picaru - 21/6/2009 18:00 - United States

Today, is the first day of my honeymoon. It has been 6 years since I took a "real" vacation. We have 3 kids and a small house, and now we have 9 days alone in random hotels to do what couples do on their honeymoon without kids... Day one, I got my period 7 days early. FML

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By WhitneyHouston - 6/7/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, my neighbor knocked on my door and left a note that said "Please stop singing in the shower. You're terrible, and everyone in the building can hear you." FML

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By yuck - 17/7/2019 14:15

Today, my father informed me that he is going to divorce his bitch of a wife, but told me not to say anything to mess things up, in case he wants to "hit that one more time." FML

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By Dan1021 - 4/2/2012 19:31 - France

Today, after telling my girlfriend that I loved her, she dumped me claiming I was getting "too attached". I've already spent almost $400 on her Valentine's Day present. FML

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By Redsnation - 8/8/2017 05:02

Rage Quit

Today, my older brother said that if he beat me in a game of NBA 2k17, he would get to keep my PS4. I beat him so badly that he got angry and destroyed my PlayStation. FML

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By Soontobeex - 15/9/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I decided to go through my husband's phone to make sure I invited everyone to the surprise party I was planning for him. There were a few I had missed so I called to let them know about it. The last number I called was his girlfriend. FML

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By anonymous198913 - 4/2/2017 12:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned how to play "Happy Birthday" on the guitar, just to have my friend tell me that my voice sucks, and that I needed to stop immediately. FML

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By MexicanMe - 14/9/2012 14:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had breakfast with his grandmother. She told him how I'm prettier than "that Mexican" he'd brought home for dinner last week. We had dinner with her last week, and I'm that same Mexican. She then went on to how Mexicans are what's wrong with the economy. FML

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By brittbrat4 - 5/7/2011 00:25 - United States

Today, I was jamming out in my car, tapping my fingers on the wheel and bobbing my head. At the next stoplight, I happened to look over and the passenger of the car next to me was holding a sign in the window saying, "I bet you don't have a boyfriend, do you?" FML

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By NotThatKind - 24/8/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, I posted a status update on Facebook about how much I liked the Season Finale of NBC's "Heroes". My hand slipped to the right and it came out as "I really love Herpes. It's much better than everyone says it is". I didn't notice for few hours. FML

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By Genius - 25/6/2019 14:00

Today, I went to my fifth job interview in a month. While going over my CV, I found a watermark on the bottom of my cover letter that said it was generated by a template website. Yep, I gave all previous interviewers the same cover letter, with the same watermark. Can't wait to hear back! FML

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698

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By ari - 17/6/2011 11:06 - United States

Today, I woke up to NYPD detectives banging on my door with flashlights, looking for some criminal who used to live in my house. Apparently, when they showed the man's mugshot to my neighbors upstairs, for some reason they identified the man as my husband. FML

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36537

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By mikuxxhatsune - 5/6/2017 02:00 - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was the organist for a wedding. I had practiced for weeks, rehearsed with the choir many times and spent hours stressing. During the wedding march, the electric organ malfunctioned, adding on layers of random notes I didn't play. Guess who got yelled at afterwards. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2011 00:14 - United States

Today, I was swimming at the water park, when out of nowhere a lifeguard bombed into the pool, grabbed me, and hauled me to the surface, running his hands over my chest in the process. Apparently, the way I swim makes it look like I'm in my drowning death throes. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2013 20:37 - United States - Mountain Home

Today, I read a seemingly serious article online about giving your smartphone some extra charge by putting it in the microwave for one minute. My phone is now fried. FML

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Top comments

By Dthsapprntc | 23

#5838146 - Saturday 25 January 2014 0:38

Make sure you have a good head start, then yell at the top of your lungs that you are breaking up with her and start running. Run fast, run far, and never ever ever look back.

Or just suck it up and deal with being hospitalized for a while.

By Km1490 | 20

#5838157 - Saturday 25 January 2014 0:41

Just tell her.. the longer the wait the harder she will punch you..

COMMENTS

By Dthsapprntc | 23

#5838146 - Saturday 25 January 2014 0:38

GreatGeak | 8

#5838176 - Saturday 25 January 2014 0:45

or grow a pair.
but i think that goes well with #1's second part. ^_^

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5838226 - Saturday 25 January 2014 1:16

Everytime time i see the phrase"grow a pair" i think of Betty white. Why a pair, why not a vagina, that takes a beating

arturo_s | 10

#5838265 - Saturday 25 January 2014 1:57

Invest in elbow-pads, shin-pads, knee pads, and a helmet along with going with #1s idea and you should be fine

AnOriginalName | 19

#5838311 - Saturday 25 January 2014 3:08

#29, dicks tend to take beatings fairly often too.

soccerstar1996 | 18

#5838351 - Saturday 25 January 2014 4:04

Lol it says 5ML instead of FML

ninthfirewings | 11

#5838758 - Saturday 25 January 2014 12:13

She probably will just meet him back at his place

aahitserin | 5

#5840126 - Sunday 26 January 2014 16:25

Don't forget the cup #36!

krad204 | 21

#5841010 - Monday 27 January 2014 18:23

Or just get something to protect your junk, meet her somewhere and tell her it's over, then just leave. If she tries to beat you up, stop her from doing so, I don't know what the big deal is...

BananaN0se | 13

#6054909 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 20:04

You could always be on a drive then drive past her house drop her off
Say "look at my ex girlfriend's house" then drive away

By Dalleee | 29

#5838147 - Saturday 25 January 2014 0:38

talk about bad luck :/

Exhaling | 12

#5838175 - Saturday 25 January 2014 0:45

More like a troll mother or just a clueless mother. Either one fits.

By Rizzen | 27

#5838154 - Saturday 25 January 2014 0:39

OP, you need to man the fuck up and do it

isuckwithnames | 22

#5838487 - Saturday 25 January 2014 5:44

Pain is the body saying, that is bad and damages me avoid that., which cause the instinctual reaction to avoid it. Which stems from thousands of years of avoiding things that hurt like a wolf bite.

Morqan_Freeman | 14

#5838581 - Saturday 25 January 2014 6:39

OP needs to first master the power of the 4 elements. Air, water, earth and fire. Only then could OP become the Avatar and stand a chance in a fight against the enemy.

By fluffywaspluka | 7

#5838156 - Saturday 25 January 2014 0:41

Put her in a FedEx box and send it to Mexico.

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5838252 - Saturday 25 January 2014 1:43

His mom or his girlfriend?

Nordrag | 26

#5838286 - Saturday 25 January 2014 2:21

why not both?

deviking | 10

#5838307 - Saturday 25 January 2014 3:06

*mexican music plays*

MRVOlivia | 22

#5838358 - Saturday 25 January 2014 4:16

Olé!

dachayke | 16

#5838382 - Saturday 25 January 2014 4:41

TheTacoMan is going to get quite a surprise, isn't he?

mrfancyman | 7

#5838384 - Saturday 25 January 2014 4:41

I'm so done right now

By Km1490 | 20

#5838157 - Saturday 25 January 2014 0:41

Just tell her.. the longer the wait the harder she will punch you..

thatnucca | 36

#5838259 - Saturday 25 January 2014 1:48

Yep, sometimes you just have to take the L for the team... Yourself, your ego and...... Such is life

By That_Ginger | 18

#5838162 - Saturday 25 January 2014 0:41

The sooner you man up and tell her, the sooner all the drama that you're predicting, will be over.

It's tough but you just have to do it and be honest.

isuckwithnames | 22

#5838495 - Saturday 25 January 2014 5:47

I hate the phrase, 'Man up'. The OP is a man and cannot be anymore a man. If he wants to avoid pain so be it. It's like ripping of a adhesive bandage, it will hurt notated what, so it doesn't matter how you do it.