Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing...

By Anonymous - 5/8/2011 04:18 - United States

Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31161

You deserved it

13209

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Deep-seated resentment

The end of the road

Buzzing the tower

By shaunaaa - 17/2/2011 10:39 - Australia

Today, I was in science class studying dead insects for biology. After packing away the jars, I noticed a red-back spider on the bench. Thinking it was missing from a jar, I picked it up. It wasn't missing. It was alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34229

You deserved it

5311

Favorite

By kerensa - 15/7/2012 05:51 - Australia - Mornington

Today, a lady threw a coke bottle at my head because she had a non-winning lottery ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29544

You deserved it

2227

Favorite

By hoovered - 4/3/2009 16:24 - United States

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to give me a "hickey" with a vacuum cleaner while I was passed out drunk. Not only do I have to try and explain this to my girlfriend, but we're meeting her parents for lunch this afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58850

You deserved it

22379

Favorite

By ladeda - 7/3/2009 07:01 - United States

Today, my name was called during an assembly because I won some sort of prize. Everyone booed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74332

You deserved it

6724

Favorite

By ihateyouatt - 18/3/2010 13:30 - United States

Today, I was trying to change my PIN code in order to make my phone more secure and prevent people from getting information from it. Instead, I somehow ended up locking my phone permanently. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13055

You deserved it

31035

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/5/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, I confided to my dad that since the recent breakup with my boyfriend of 3 months, I feel down all the time and life doesn't feel worth living anymore. His loving advice was for me to "grow the fuck up and get your sentimental head out of la-la land." FML

I agree, your life sucks

22967

You deserved it

71907

Favorite

By CrappyValentine - 14/2/2012 18:56 - Netherlands

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11323

You deserved it

37765

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 00:29 - Canada

Today, I entered my bedroom, ready to play some COD on my xbox 360. Instead, I find a note where my xbox used to be. It read "You think you can cheat on me and get away with it? Fuck you. I smashed the hell out of your stupid xbox." It was signed by my girlfriend. I never cheated on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41759

You deserved it

3441

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/6/2015 05:35 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I was studying for a big test I have next Tuesday in my room. I heard a creak in my ceiling but assumed it was nothing as my house is old. Thirty seconds later something fell from my air vent directly onto my head. It was a giant cockroach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28464

You deserved it

2123

Favorite

By anonymous - 17/7/2020 08:00

The apple of my eye

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by bringing him some dinner. He made the same noise unwrapping the burger that he does when he sees me naked. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1200

You deserved it

276

Favorite

By no paedo - 11/3/2016 20:35 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be funny to change my ringtone to some guy crooning "Thank heaven for little girls" and then call me during today's teacher-parent conference. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19839

You deserved it

1954

Favorite

By NoSleep - 26/9/2009 14:30 - United States

Today, I had my first day off in weeks. I was excited about getting to sleep in, until my boss called me at 6:30 in the morning to remind me I didn't have to come into work. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40709

You deserved it

3245

Favorite

By alaskan1989 - 22/1/2011 01:27 - United States

Today, I found out I have a huge infected boil on my vagina. The worst part was that I wasn't the one to discover this. My boyfriend was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39261

You deserved it

9891

Favorite

By Yazzy - 13/2/2009 09:57 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen of everything I say and do on my computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55682

You deserved it

7904

Favorite

By none - 17/1/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, was just like almost every for the past few months; I slept till 1pm, smoked cigarettes, jerked off, went to the store to get coffee, smoked more cigarettes, and sat in my room alone until 4am, jerking off and smoking cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13089

You deserved it

46031

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 04:20 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because he doesn't need a job. It turns out he plans to get a life sentence in prison and live the rest of his life at the taxpayers' expense. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30143

You deserved it

3744

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/7/2015 16:32 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I waited 45 minutes at the Apple Store for my grandpa to very loudly ask why PornHub wasn't loading on his computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28928

You deserved it

2164

Favorite

By Pee.H.D - 2/5/2016 17:24 - United States - Fontana

Today, since I always fall asleep in class, I decided not to go to the bathroom beforehand, hoping the sensation to pee would keep me awake. I ended up falling asleep and wetting myself in the middle of the lecture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14733

You deserved it

7166

Favorite

By none - 22/8/2013 04:27 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had sex. The guy texted me an hour later, saying, "That was awkward. Let's not do that again." FML

I agree, your life sucks

59144

You deserved it

8767

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/11/2018 03:00

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk from town, busted the toilet door open crying, and proposed to me with a ring and all. I was literally mid-shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3141

You deserved it

275

Favorite

By Jen__ - 22/3/2014 07:18 - Canada - Kitimat

Today, once again I was told I looked a bit like Lindsay Lohan. I can't figure out if they mean the young, good looking one, or the current cracked out rehab version. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41124

You deserved it

4454

Favorite

By Tootsy_Roll_Pop - 23/5/2009 16:15 - United States

Today, I spent the whole day seeing how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: 763. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54173

You deserved it

23205

Favorite

By Ilovelife07 - 14/1/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, I snuck out of work 2 hours early. As I was speeding away so I wouldn't be seen, I rear-ended my boss as he was leaving the lower parking lot for a late lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6712

You deserved it

46330

Favorite

By cook for yourself dammit! - 12/7/2020 14:01

Kitchen Nightmares

Today, tired of my husband complaining that my food was basic and bland, I went out of my way to learn to cook using new recipes and fresh ingredients. He complained that I took too long to make dinner, and that the food is "fancied up shit." He can cook his own meals now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2482

You deserved it

178

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/9/2019 20:00 - United States

Bounced

Today, I was at a metal concert and I met a really cute girl. We got talking, and started getting close. We were about to kiss during the transitional period between 2 bands, but I was then pulled away by her father, who owned the venue. I was thrown out. Before the main act. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1902

You deserved it

211

Favorite

By anonymous - 19/7/2012 22:31 - United States

Today, I was at work when a cute guy came up to me and said he liked my shirt. In a desperate attempt to say something back, I said, "Thanks, I like your shoelaces." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26838

You deserved it

6737

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/12/2013 20:13 - United States - Rochester

Today, I finally told my father that I was picked on at college all this year over my hearing disability. When I told him one of the jokes they made about me, he burst out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44732

You deserved it

3468

Favorite

By itchy itches - 23/8/2020 05:05 - United States

Box of magic

Today, my neighbor brought home a box of kittens he found in the park. Instead of calling animal control, he decided to keep them. Besides the incessant meowing throughout the day and night, a massive horde of fleas decided to migrate through his light sockets and into my nice clean apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1347

You deserved it

172

Favorite

By ScaredDude - 19/5/2019 04:07

Today, I was home alone in the dark and I heard the doorbell ring. I didn't know who it was so I didn't answer. They kept ringing, so I got a bit scared and called the police. When the police showed up, they told me it was a Chinese delivery guy with the wrong address. FML

I agree, your life sucks

991

You deserved it

1829

Favorite

By TheLastSerenade - 23/1/2013 08:33 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a woman breast feeding her child at the local park. That would have been just fine if the child wasn't at least 8 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39652

You deserved it

3961

Favorite

By stupidapperently - 1/2/2013 04:06 - United States

Today, while checking out a couple at work, I handed them their receipt and wished them a good day. The woman promptly pulled her husband to the side, and whispered to him about how much of a "fucking idiot" I was for making the prices so high. I work at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31586

You deserved it

2392

Favorite

By LennyLemon - 25/8/2016 13:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was taking a shower in a hostel when the girl in the cubicle next to mine decided to blow her nose onto the shower floor. The water from her cubicle was flowing into mine and I ended up standing in a puddle of fresh watery snot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13901

You deserved it

1059

Favorite

By TuteSweet - 12/8/2011 06:17 - United States

Today, I walked outside my house to find my father in nothing but his underwear, spraying ants with ant-killer, laughing like a maniac and screaming, "Die bitches! Die!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

37435

You deserved it

4771

Favorite

By idontevencareanymore - 23/5/2014 21:25 - United States - Jarrell

Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46041

You deserved it

4591

Favorite

By Scumbagmemory - 22/1/2012 04:17 - United States

Today, I was texting a guy that one of my friends told me about. She gave me his number and told me about how he was deaf. Three hours into great conversation I forgot and asked him what his favorite music was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29287

You deserved it

11631

Favorite

By trash80 - 21/2/2018 19:00

This is why we shop online!

Today, while checking out at Target, I had the choice of standing behind one lady or a long line. Naturally, I chose the former. Half an hour later, the long line had completely passed, and I was still standing behind the lady, who was now arguing with the cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4563

You deserved it

738

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/9/2020 19:07 - Ireland - Dublin

Freak out

Today, some jackass spider decided to lay eggs behind my wall. No matter how many I kill, I always wake up to multiple baby spiders on my ceiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1278

You deserved it

102

Favorite

By best friend! - 10/3/2012 05:12 - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that she has been sleeping with my boyfriend. She tried to justify it by saying, "He's just going to break up with you anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36417

You deserved it

2392

Favorite

By eakthegeek - 10/1/2012 09:36 - United States

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31263

You deserved it

6862

Favorite

By Son of a Bitch - 1/8/2015 17:17 - United States

Today, an hour into a family road trip, my mother informed me that she didn't put my suitcase in the car because it "didn't fit". FML

I agree, your life sucks

30715

You deserved it

2058

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By gusgus36 | 5

#3043932 - Friday 5 August 2011 11:57

they know you mean well.. they might not have even noticed that you said heartbeat. don't beat yourself up over it

By perdix | 29

#3044096 - Friday 5 August 2011 12:39

Well, if her dad is the official timekeeper, you might never show up.

COMMENTS

By nicole_1_2_3 | 0

#3043916 - Friday 5 August 2011 11:55

first one!!! and wow that's heartless!;)

By gusgus36 | 5

#3043932 - Friday 5 August 2011 11:57

they know you mean well.. they might not have even noticed that you said heartbeat. don't beat yourself up over it

xlord | 27

#3043995 - Friday 5 August 2011 12:07

I hope you poured your heart out OP.

xlord | 27

#3044019 - Friday 5 August 2011 12:12

Or......as long as your heart was in the right place :D

AaronTkr | 0

#3044170 - Friday 5 August 2011 13:16

lol heart puns.

ShyAnn29 | 14

#3044886 - Friday 5 August 2011 13:35

My heart goes out to you

jren207 | 24

#3045028 - Friday 5 August 2011 14:34

I can wholeheartedly understand how this might happen.

missy_lynn012 | 0

#3045576 - Friday 5 August 2011 16:38

you guys need to take this stuff grimly...it's as serious as a...

**puts glasses on.

heart attack.

laxgirl17 | 5

#3046116 - Friday 5 August 2011 18:51

aw fuck it 36. there goes my witty comment.

SirObvious | 1

#3046350 - Friday 5 August 2011 19:16

Yea jeez don't have a heart attack over it.

rallets | 22

#3048547 - Saturday 6 August 2011 3:22

just follow your heart

AaronTkr | 0

#3048721 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:06

lol 73 worst heart pun yet.

rallets | 22

#3049253 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:19

lolnah

Aim4thebullseye | 4

#3049918 - Saturday 6 August 2011 7:05

Dont get so pumped up it's you said it from your heart

sandungyyy | 4

#3050436 - Saturday 6 August 2011 8:59

This has nothing to do with OP but Gusgus I seriously thought your dog had his/her tongue out and had a piercing! Felt totally stupid to see your ring -_-