Miscellaneous: Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML

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Miscellaneous

There's no helping some people

Commando

Out of it

By Scarred for life - 13/3/2020 08:00

Frozen

Today, while volunteering at a senior care center, I witnessed a woman begin to remove her trousers. Then she began tearing apart her diaper. She then began to explore her body. I was unable to stop her. FML

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1513

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By laptitesouris - France - Pertuis

Today, one of my 5-year-old son's teeth fell out, but he's quite scatterbrained and he lost it. He did however find my vibrating duck under my pillow, and is now crying because he thinks that I stole his tooth so that the tooth fairy would bring me a toy. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Saint Austell

Today, I found out that my daughter not only has a boyfriend, but that they're trying for a baby. She's barely 15. FML

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20632

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By footbloodfountain - Canada

Today, I realized why buying clear pins for the wall is a bad idea. If one falls out, you won't be able to see it with your eyes, but your foot will find it just fine. I also learnt foot wounds can produce a pretty significant geyser of blood. FML

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25124

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By Anonymous

Today, my daughter asked me to join the Army so that she wouldn't have to see me anymore. She's four. FML

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1686

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203

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By nikkei

Bullet = Dodged

Today, while paying for dinner, my card declined and my date immediately left. The waitress then ran my card again successfully. FML

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3128

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198

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By opinaise - France - Toulouse

Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her standard moan: "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at that egg, it makes me want to throw up, it's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML

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By James - United States

Today, my roommate and I got into an argument. He told me he understood if I didn't forgive him "for a couple of days." He'd confessed to undressing my girlfriend in her sleep. FML

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By SweptWolf - 6/6/2020 23:02

Doomed

Today, my fiancée handed me her engagement ring back and told me she felt like she's pressuring me into marriage, so to make me feel better about it we’re no longer engaged. On top of this, I found out she’s started talking to her ex again. FML

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1888

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By IJustWantedCheez - United States - San Antonio

Today, while on break from work, I went to the cafeteria and bought cheese cubes. One of my coworkers, who is usually very pleasant, asked to try some and I said yes. She ate all the cheddar cubes in the bowl, which are the only ones I like. I wasted $3 for someone else to eat my food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I woke up from surgery to find that the chronic warts on my right hand hadn't been removed. The doctor informed me that they'd grown into my radial nerve, so impossible to remove without permanent paralysis. My immune system sucks, so this is just in my hand forever. FML

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3796

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By Anonymous - United States - Barrington

Today, I decided to try wearing eyeshadow, even though I'm not that girly. When I asked for help after several failed attempts, my sister walked in and said, "It's easy, just do what I do." She put the makeup on herself and looked amazing. She's eight. FML

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52905

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By LC - United States

Today, I volunteered to be Auctioned off for Charity. I went for $3. FML

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By B.B - United States - New York

Today, my husband brought me breakfast in bed. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful and love him even more for the thought. But the only problem with breakfast in bed is that you have to eat what they bring you, even if it's bad. FML

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10835

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By anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I asked a short girl to prom by making a "You must be this tall to say no" sign. She grabbed a chair, stood on it, and then said no. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 21:02

Fashion Week, Bitch

Today, I found out that my blazer was not in fact lost. How did I find this out? The girl who'd "lost it" was wearing it. She now denies it was ever mine. FML

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1570

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By itchybollos - Australia

Today, while grocery shopping, my Dad asked me what I wanted for 'Din-Dins' while scratching his nuts. In a crowded aisle. Wearing short shorts. FML

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By dating a big bag of dicks - United States

Today, while driving out to the countryside with my new boyfriend, we came across a deer lying in the road. It seemed badly hurt, but instead of letting me get out and make sure, my boyfriend decided to just run over its head to finish it off, then continued driving with a smirk on his face. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realized how bad my depression has gotten when I caught myself fantasizing about suicide while having sex with my husband. FML

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By pumpkinbutt - France

Today, I hurried into the bank to cash in the $5,000 check my grandparents had given me for college money. I found out that instead of my name, they wrote 'our sweet iddle pumpkinbutt'. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone after. FML

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By spiderchick23 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with an elderly customer at work. I had to spend 10 minutes listening to him describe how the underwear he bought was too tight and caused his bladder to leak. FML

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28424

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By mickstinator - United States

Today, I was parking my car outside of my apartment, but the big truck next to the spot went over the line. I squeezed in anyway. Later, I discovered the truck had left and someone keyed my car. They left a note saying, "Good parking job, asshole." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 17:00 - United States

Benny Goodman classic

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, my husband was not in the mood for sex. He told me this while masturbating. FML

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By cockblockedbyFB - United States - San Antonio

Today, like every other day, my wife doesn't have time for sex because she's too busy on Facebook. Then she bitched me out because "we never have sex anymore." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class during a boring economics lecture. I heard a whisper say "Rise and shine sleeping beauty." I thought it was my boyfriend, so i responded "Baby, what time is it? When is this F*ing class going to be over!?" it wasnt my boyfriend talking, it was my teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 20:01

It's good to learn!

Today, I’m living in China and I asked my native boyfriend to read me the names of all the different goods at the bakery, so I can do more than just point next time. I realized why he doesn’t see the point, when he translated : "Bread, bread, bread, bread and… bread." FML

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By digressions - Canada

Today, I tore a muscle in my back. At the hospital, I was prescribed some pain medication. My husband got me settled at home, with everything I needed within reach, and left for work. As I picked up the bottle to take the first pill, I knocked it on the floor. It rolled under the couch. FML

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By jaskyriddims - Dominica

Today, my family gathered to pray. It was my brother's turn to pray and he ended with this, "...and help Chev that he does not become the disappointment everyone expects him to be. Amen." I looked on in shock as my entire family nodded and said "Amen" in agreement. Hi, I'm Chev. FML

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By AnnoyedByFriends

Today, my friends thought it would be fun to change my dad's name on my phone to my girlfriend's name. Guess who got an erotic text message when standing next to me while in the line to buy groceries. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to go meet up with a guy that I met online for the first time. All he could talk about was how he expects me to "clean, cook, and submit" my body for sex at least twice a day when we get married. FML

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By fmlsomuch - Japan

Today, I told my mom about an article I'd seen that said people tend to make the most mistakes at 2 to 3 in the morning. Without a trace of humor in her voice, she said, "Tell me about it. You were conceived round about then." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Livingston

Today, due to my allergies I can't stop sneezing. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for my hemorrhoids making each sneeze feel like I'm getting a cactus shoved up my ass. FML

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By allidoiswrkwrkwrknomttrwht - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Stay at home

Today, I found out my request to have off on Thanksgiving for the first time in 6 years was denied, because I work the evening shift every year on Thanksgiving and that's convenient for everyone else. FML

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By LonelyLoner - United States

Today, I went out to lunch with a girl I like and her best friend. We had a good time, even talked for a few hours at the restaurant, but after we left, she stopped talking to me. Her friend told her that I kept staring at her chest; I was trying to see what her pendant was. FML

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By uh huh sure - 9/7/2020 05:01

Subtle

Today, my mother-in-law, who isn't southern, who’s family isn’t southern, and has never even mentioned any interest in anything even remotely southern, decided to give us a baby gift: a hand-crocheted confederate flag blanket. We’re an interracial couple. I think she’s trying to tell me something. FML

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By OutOfWork.OutOfTime - United States - Cookeville

Today, I had my first job interview since graduating from university. The person who interviewed me informed me that not using my degree after two years practically makes it null and void. I guess instead of being a financial advisor at the company, I could always be a janitor there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting my boss' kids. I brought chocolate for them and the youngest said he had never had chocolate and didn't want any. I told him he should always try new things and should eat it. He did. He's allergic. FML

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By go snope yourself - United Kingdom

Today, I was debating which hurts more: child-birth or a kick to the testicles. Some guy spouted the old urban legend that a nut-kick is 9000 "dels", and giving birth is 57, so I proved that no such measurement of pain exists. His comeback was to sucker-punch me to the floor. FML

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By MrsCasillas - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my financial issues hit a new low when I had to borrow back some of the money I gave the guy who did my hair. FML

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By Savingforplasticsurgery

Today, at work, I heard a child whisper, "Mom, why do that woman's ears look like that?" The mom replied, "Because she's not smart enough for a good job." I have large plug ears and a degree in mechanical engineering. I waitress because no engineering firm will hire me. FML

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Top comments

By gusgus36 | 5

#3043932 - Friday 5 August 2011 11:57

they know you mean well.. they might not have even noticed that you said heartbeat. don't beat yourself up over it

By perdix | 29

#3044096 - Friday 5 August 2011 12:39

Well, if her dad is the official timekeeper, you might never show up.

COMMENTS

By nicole_1_2_3 | 0

#3043916 - Friday 5 August 2011 11:55

first one!!! and wow that's heartless!;)

By gusgus36 | 5

#3043932 - Friday 5 August 2011 11:57

they know you mean well.. they might not have even noticed that you said heartbeat. don't beat yourself up over it

xlord | 27

#3043995 - Friday 5 August 2011 12:07

I hope you poured your heart out OP.

xlord | 27

#3044019 - Friday 5 August 2011 12:12

Or......as long as your heart was in the right place :D

AaronTkr | 0

#3044170 - Friday 5 August 2011 13:16

lol heart puns.

ShyAnn29 | 14

#3044886 - Friday 5 August 2011 13:35

My heart goes out to you

jren207 | 24

#3045028 - Friday 5 August 2011 14:34

I can wholeheartedly understand how this might happen.

missy_lynn012 | 0

#3045576 - Friday 5 August 2011 16:38

you guys need to take this stuff grimly...it's as serious as a...

**puts glasses on.

heart attack.

laxgirl17 | 5

#3046116 - Friday 5 August 2011 18:51

aw fuck it 36. there goes my witty comment.

SirObvious | 1

#3046350 - Friday 5 August 2011 19:16

Yea jeez don't have a heart attack over it.

rallets | 22

#3048547 - Saturday 6 August 2011 3:22

just follow your heart

AaronTkr | 0

#3048721 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:06

lol 73 worst heart pun yet.

rallets | 22

#3049253 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:19

lolnah

Aim4thebullseye | 4

#3049918 - Saturday 6 August 2011 7:05

Dont get so pumped up it's you said it from your heart

sandungyyy | 4

#3050436 - Saturday 6 August 2011 8:59

This has nothing to do with OP but Gusgus I seriously thought your dog had his/her tongue out and had a piercing! Felt totally stupid to see your ring -_-