Work: Today, the job search agency that I use asked me to stop sending...

By crushed - 29/09/2011 14:32 - Australia

Today, the job search agency that I use asked me to stop sending in my resume, as no one had hired me in three years, and that the situation was unlikely to change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 368

You deserved it 3 789

Work

Another great day to be alive

Taking stock

Carless whisper

By jokada - 10/05/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, while powerwashing my deck, a bee flew and landed on my leg. Thinking I'd just wash it away before it stings me, I aimed the powerwasher nozzle at the bee. A bee sting isn't nearly as painful as powerwashing your leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 384

You deserved it 84 102

By soldierboy - 30/08/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, after nearly 2 years of continuous fighting in Afghanistan, my unit came home. We were booed at the airport. FML

I agree, your life sucks 141 521

You deserved it 13 682

Never go public

By Anonymous - 07/04/2021 20:00

Today, I learned to keep your posts private on social media. Your boss might find your Facebook status updates saying, “I hate this shitty 9-5, I want to be on a beach with a margarita.” I got a call from him saying, “You’re terminated from the shitty 9-5, so you don’t have to anymore. Enjoy the beach!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 333

You deserved it 2 159

By jdsksoapy - 30/03/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML

I agree, your life sucks 210 747

You deserved it 34 931

By Anonymous - 24/08/2015 21:28 - Italy - Genova

Today, I got stuck in the elevator at work. When I was finally let out, my boss decided I shouldn't get a lunch break, because I'd already had over an hour off work while in the elevator. I had to starve through 5 more hours of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 702

You deserved it 1 769

By Anonymous - 04/06/2016 14:52 - United States - Bethlehem

Today, I tried having some girl time with my mom so I could sneakily figure out what to get her for her birthday. All I could think of in the end was a time machine, after her rant about wishing she'd gotten her tubes tied rather than going through the stress of raising me and my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 945

You deserved it 932

By NoMoreHeadphones - 08/09/2009 19:32 - United States

Today, I was listening to my iPod while changing the diaper on my baby. One earbud fell out of my ear and onto the changing table so I quickly picked it up without looking and put it back in my ear, only to realize the headphone had fallen onto more than a table. I now have brown earphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 807

You deserved it 47 198

By concom - 27/05/2015 19:40 - Cyprus

Today, I finally found my watch after weeks searching for it. It was on my teacher's wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 608

You deserved it 2 084

By Anonymous - 20/09/2015 15:23

Today, I accidentally farted at a board meeting. My boss thought it came from the guy sitting next to me and gave him hell for being a pig. I was too mortified to say anything, even when the guy blamed it on me, which caused my boss to rage at him for lying and then to kick him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 757

You deserved it 12 035

By Anonymous - 04/10/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I went to my Homecoming dance. I had a great time until some fat girl kept trying to dance with my date, even though he politely asked her to stop. I decided to intervene. I found myself pinned to the floor by a fat girl crushing on my date, who was cheering her on as she tackled me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 656

You deserved it 8 751

By JustLeaveThem - 25/01/2017 18:00

Today, I was reaching into the floor vent in my toddler's room to retrieve some toys she'd dropped. What I found instead was a clump of large dead spiders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 657

You deserved it 268

By aishyaslife89 - 06/10/2015 22:03 - United States - Dayton

Today, I found out that when I was 4 I killed my bunny by drowning it. Apparently, my aunt bribed me to do it because it pooped in her shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 859

You deserved it 2 496

By Anonymous - 02/08/2009 01:29 - United States

Today, I planned a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend. I invited all his friend and made all his favorite food. He was running very late, so I called to ask what was taking so long. His response? He said he was at his house, with the very friends I was standing next to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 664

You deserved it 4 066

By apparentnerd - 31/10/2009 17:32 - United States

Today, my sister is dressing up as a nerd for Halloween. She's using my clothes for the costume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 627

You deserved it 7 857

By thatsasquee - 21/05/2011 06:42 - Canada

Today, I called my mom and I got voicemail: "Hello, this is Joyce. I'm not here at the moment, so leave a message and I will call back as soon as possible. Except if it's Sophie. If it is, get the hell out of my life, biiitch." I'm Sophie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 266

You deserved it 5 759

By Anonymous - 28/08/2015 05:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I washed all the dishes and cups from the family dinner last night and put them away. When my wife saw, she had a mini OCD breakdown and yelled at me because the cups weren't lined up with each other with the handles aligned and the flower pictures facing out left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 134

You deserved it 3 254

By Anonymous - 09/08/2012 14:26 - United States

Today, my dog farted so loud in his sleep that he scared himself and woke up barking. This afternoon I achieved the same feat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 530

You deserved it 3 990

What a catch

By Anonymous - 15/06/2021 08:00

Today, my boyfriend is so scared of COVID that he takes precautions beyond what health professionals recommend to satisfy his OCD. He told me he wouldn't be getting the vaccine because he "won't be controlled by the government." Not to worry, he will just continue to be the unbearable control freak he transformed into since this all began. FML

I agree, your life sucks 906

You deserved it 163

By JC - 26/03/2012 20:56 - United States - Villa Ridge

Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 425

You deserved it 6 017

By Anonymous - 03/07/2019 06:00

Today, my cat still loves my boyfriend more than me. I spent around 6 months convincing my boyfriend to get a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 306

You deserved it 405

Work is work

By mylifeisfed - 04/11/2009 12:56 - United States

Today, I encountered one of my professors from college. Back when I was in his game theory class, he publicly criticized me for falling asleep and not paying attention, to which I retaliated by acing all of his exams. Four years and a degree later, I met him again... while working at Pizza Hut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 724

You deserved it 12 789

Trust

By oww - 14/05/2020 08:02

Today, I told my boyfriend we should avoid the local walking trail after I got followed by a homeless man. He assured me we’d be fine and the guy wouldn’t approach me as long as I had a man with me. Wrong. We both got beat up and robbed by said homeless man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 076

You deserved it 322

By Non-active - 25/09/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, we got our progress reports. My physics teacher wrote that I don't participate in class. My mom got mad and grounded me before I could tell her that I raise my hand in class all the time but my teacher won't call on me cause he can't pronounce my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 206

You deserved it 3 246

Which toppings?

By neverhealthy - 01/10/2019 02:01

Today, I read that food cravings are only supposed to last a couple of minutes. I have been craving and dreaming about pizza for a month straight, and the urge is only getting stronger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 211

You deserved it 223

By Sunshine56 - 10/11/2016 03:11 - United States - Greenbrier

Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 444

You deserved it 764

By tinaburrito - 26/01/2010 21:33 - France

Today, I found out my bank account was in the negative because my work gave me a check that didn't clear. I went to my bank to get a statement of charges so my job could reimburse me. They told me requesting a statement costs 8 dollars, which I don't have because my account is in the negative. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 153

You deserved it 2 632

By Glutton - 28/01/2010 01:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I started our diet. After a long day of being held accountable for every calorie I ate, I went home to sneak a snack. My boyfriend came over to surprise me, and found me on the couch shoveling left-over Indian food into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 234

You deserved it 49 466

By Kara - 15/12/2011 21:43 - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor had a home birth. Not only did I hear eighteen hours of uninterrupted screaming, they called me afterwards, asking if I could come over to help them clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 199

You deserved it 2 772

By Anonymous - 01/12/2012 05:59 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating, because I tipped our waitress at dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 595

You deserved it 2 709

By Ldp56 - 25/02/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school. Apparently, she was learning about the food pyramid and when she was asked to identify what she had eaten the day before, she said "dog food". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 962

You deserved it 4 575

By Anonymous - 28/05/2016 13:00 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I was so tired, I passed out at work in the middle of a call. All because my neighbor's car alarm kept going off every 3 minutes all through the morning. It was still going when I left for work. If you see a news story in a few days about a whole neighborhood beating a guy to death, that's probably us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 353

You deserved it 1 307

By Mia - 12/12/2018 17:00 - India - Mumbai

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get it on. That's when the bell rang. He said, 'I'll just be back'. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him. I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the hall. Turns out his new PS4 had arrived. He said, 'I forgot you were here, sorry' and continued to play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 747

You deserved it 423

By Noname - 10/03/2009 09:56 - United States

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to breathe heavily. So I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck, she then turns around and says "Tell my room mate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 972

You deserved it 61 150

By Disgusted - 05/07/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. I also found out from her husband that she has her nipples and nether regions pierced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 941

You deserved it 3 776

Don't dead open inside

By that’s not how this works! - 09/08/2021 23:01 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my mom went on a rant about how insulin and other diabetic medications are evil western poisons, and that she can control her condition naturally on her own. That would be great, if she actually ate right and exercised instead of just using meditation to “think” herself healthy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 929

You deserved it 65

By Anonymous - 06/11/2009 14:31 - Denmark

Today, at a party a fly flew into my mouth. I spit it out, and in an effort to wash out my mouth I grabbed the can of coke that was on the table next to me. Apparently people had been spitting in there and using it as an ashtray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 641

You deserved it 9 773

By MirandaJones - 20/03/2015 14:41 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was helping out during the school play's interval. My head of year jokingly asked me to follow him around with these mini cocktail sausages for the rest of the school year. I thought it would be witty to reply, "Does that make me your official sausage holder?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 452

You deserved it 8 849

By mjperfetti84 - 22/11/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, I helped an old man with his groceries, because he was struggling and he had a cane. After, I was nice enough to drive him home. He went to thank me by giving me a kiss on the cheek. Then he stuck his tongue out, and tried to French kiss me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 399

You deserved it 6 151

By exasperated - 17/04/2014 03:14 - United States - Houston

Today, I got a call from the police that my house had been burglarized, but an off-duty cop caught the criminal. I pull up to see my detained, psycho ex-boyfriend sheepishly grinning at me. He had three of my lace panties and two of my bras, claiming it was "all for memories sake". FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 074

You deserved it 4 603

By just die already - 24/04/2016 09:55 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out my psycho ex also reads FML. She called me at work, pissed that I'd "publicly humiliated" her on here. I haven't posted about her at all. I'm sure the brick I found thrown through my window a few hours later has nothing to do with her, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 610

You deserved it 1 410

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Top comments

davymac718 4

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Thursday 29 September 2011 19:15

Time to find a new agency

foxman47 3

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Thursday 29 September 2011 19:16

How bad does your resume have to suck for this to happen?

sannamm 5

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Thursday 29 September 2011 19:14

first!

iknowimawesome 13

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Thursday 29 September 2011 19:18

Are you serious? How many thumbs down does one have to get to realize what NOT to say?

davymac718 4

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Thursday 29 September 2011 19:15

Time to find a new agency

SCREAM4meeee 0

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Thursday 29 September 2011 19:17

or fix the resume...

Keyman1212 14

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Thursday 29 September 2011 19:24

Or look for jobs on your own... Because it shows a real lack of dedication to get someone else to find a job for you. Just my opinion.

jefffluffingham 5

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Thursday 29 September 2011 19:25

so you would only spend 1 month looking for a job? benefit cheats are a big problem, and this is why. OT: try somewhere else. or become a hooker.

ThreeSheetsGone 12

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Thursday 29 September 2011 19:43

Try a temp agency OP. It's a good way to get your foot in the door somewhere, will give you lots of exposure, and will hopefully help you meet the right people who can land you a permanent job.

Kyzahhh 7

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Thursday 29 September 2011 21:00

Putting sex god on your resume isn't actually that good of an idea, some people are insecure that their partner might find out

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Thursday 29 September 2011 22:05

I think it's a bad idea to resume using that agency.

mgsoloist 14

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Friday 30 September 2011 0:22

Agreed. Like honestly if the stoners have jobs, it can't be that hard to get one. Start low on the job list. Like taco bell lol.

KennKenn 0

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Friday 30 September 2011 0:23

47- With that mustache, You could have been a star in Bollywood movies in the 60's

DKjazz 20

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Friday 30 September 2011 4:34

16- OT? Original Toaster? :)

higgy6969 7

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Friday 30 September 2011 6:51

It's different when you apply at places like Walmart. They are always hiring.

sublimaze 6

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Friday 30 September 2011 22:24

Since the traditional career path isn't working out for you, maybe you should consider a porn role

foxman47 3

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Thursday 29 September 2011 19:16

How bad does your resume have to suck for this to happen?

tylersign 11

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Thursday 29 September 2011 19:59

Maybe it was written with crayon.

iam_yummylicious 12

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Thursday 29 September 2011 21:42

So I can't write my college application essays in crayon? :(?!

stacianichole 2

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Thursday 29 September 2011 21:51

Your application to Clown College, yes...

docscientist 9

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Thursday 29 September 2011 22:02

Even clown college expects your crayons used for applications to be pretentious and overpriced.

viciouspanda 0

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Monday 3 October 2011 5:48

Well, In this economy? I bet his resume didn't suck at all.

jerico616 14

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Thursday 29 September 2011 19:17

I'd start sending my resume to them everyday now! After all, someone there has to process it, so you are keeping someone employed!

FreakingFYou 13

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Friday 30 September 2011 5:48

And annoyed out of their fucking mind. I would probably just memorize op's name and just trash the resume every day.

sillyciara 6

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Thursday 29 September 2011 19:18

I'm sorry OP! maybe you're just too good for them :)

GTRspecV 0

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Thursday 29 September 2011 22:46

Lol

mandel2000 0

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Thursday 29 September 2011 23:04

Obviously not

zuzupetalsYO 11

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Friday 30 September 2011 5:38

How do you not work for three years? Do you live with your parents?

FreakingFYou 13

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Friday 30 September 2011 5:50

Loving parents there, I would be forced to work as my mom's receptionist.

Glitterhinoceros 14

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Thursday 29 September 2011 19:20

Find another agency and repeatedly send it to them instead.

iknowimawesome 13

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Thursday 29 September 2011 19:21

Why don't you fix your resume instead of complaining on FML? I'd think that'd be a good place to start.

False_Stupidity 41

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Friday 30 September 2011 7:24

OP is from Aus and any of the job agencies here who are doing their job right would have made sure the OP's resume was professional looking and relevant to the jobs.. Maybe OP is totally unskilled, in which case they should be looking to study at a TAFE college or something, all at the governments expense :)